Ragamuffin Loose

Moving and Grooving!

2011-05-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

Evan started belly crawling successfully around Monday and it's SO fun to watch him! He promptly found himself in the mirrored closet at our pastor's house on Monday (we were there installing Skype for them) and began giving himself kisses. Video, you ask? Why, yes!

I had another meltdown last week and realized that my biggest stress is feeling that I should literally be doing multiple (incompatible) things at one time. This was a revelation to me. I feel, for instance, that I should be doing the dishes and nursing at the same time. Or doing dishes, nursing and playing with Lilia. Second motherhood question -- Do you ever feel like that? Is that the cause of a lot of stress? How do you handle it? Jeff and I worked out a system of eating breakfast together and making a small to-do list, then tackling it together. So far it's been totally transformational for me NOT to feel like the whole world of our house is on my shoulders.
I can't explain it in terms of milestones, but Lilia talks almost like a "big kid" now! It's so crazy! I really enjoy hearing more of what goes on in her head. I am actually loving the negotiations and being-her-own-person stuff. It's not as easy as when she just did everything I said, but it's a lot more interesting and it's making me look at my motives. These kids teach me so much.
Dear, dear friends hired a housecleaner to scour our house on Monday. I had no idea how utterly life-changing it would be. Wow! Thank you, Mike and Liz!!! I should say, "my meltdown-free week was sponsored by..."

A Scary Post About Motherhood

2011-05-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

(I'm telling myself that I will just click "save" rather than "publish" in order to make myself write this post at all.)

Rachel Held Evans has got me thinking again, this time with a post about her fears of motherhood.

The thing that scares me most is that, in a way, they're all true.

Nothing has ever threatened my marriage like having children. Nothing has made me forget who I am like having children. Nothing has scared me more, pushed me more, hurt me more, or changed me more than motherhood.
Of course the flip-side that everyone talks about is also true. Most critically, I don't think I knew the depths love could reach until I had children. I have come to a better understanding of grace and communication and priorities and values and pretty much everything else.

How can motherhood unravel me and refine me at the same time? I feel both of those things so keenly and I'm struggling with how to reconcile them.

I was talking about someone at our church nursery changing a poo diaper for me a few months ago and I started to tear up. Why, you ask, would someone cry about a diaper?

Because I am the Poo Person. I am embarrassed to tell you how much of my life revolves around poo, but it's a lot. So when someone else changed a poo diaper it moved me.

Things like this cause me to wonder, Is this what I've come to? I'm a Poo Specialist? What in the hell happened to my life?

Among many other things, I think motherhood can be profoundly disorienting. It's like the love you have for this new little person (or in my case, people) shifts the whole axis of the universe and you don't understand the orbits anymore.

I posted vaguely about some questions I have about motherhood. This first one is not even clear enough to be a question, but it has to do with wondering how being a Christian, an egalitarian and a mother work together in the same space.

Happy Mother's Day!

2011-05-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

I just had to share. Happy Mother's Day for me:

The church nursery gave me a lovely plate with Lilia's handprint and "Happy Mother's Day, 2011" on it.
Jeff made me a gorgeous home made brunch again:
And my dear Evan turned around in the middle of church, looked at me and said, "Mmmmmammmmma." Big smile.

Perfect day. :)

Questions About Motherhood

2011-05-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

I have some questions in my head about motherhood. I'm going to start asking them here. :)

bin Laden, War and Hell

2011-05-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Last night Jeff looked at me and said, "I think I just saw something on MSN that said Osama bin Laden is dead." We were both shocked and waited up for the announcement, and watched in rapt attention as the President explained the events of the day.

It's times like these that I like not having a television, because I knew that TV's everywhere would be showing, "the reaction," and I knew I wanted time for my own reaction to develop without anyone showing me the right way to feel.

My reaction has been surprisingly slow to develop, and to be honest I'm still not sure how I feel.

I was struck by reading Rachel Held Evans' blog on the subject, wherein she made the statement, "Trying to keep in mind that how I respond to the death of my enemies says as much about me as it does about my enemies."

Here are some of my current thoughts:

Relief is natural and acceptable. I liken this to women who are abused by a partner. They may leave, but there is always a nagging fear that he will find them or get to them somehow. They often feel guilty for the feeling of relief they have if he dies. I think it's perfectly fine, and different than rejoicing in someone's death.
Our President and military have an extremely difficult job, making decisions about the use of force to protect our country and putting themselves in harms way to carry out those decisions. They have worked so hard at this for so long and I think it's right for them (and previous presidents who worked toward this goal) to feel proud that they have succeeded in their goal after a whole lot of sacrifice on their part.
My questions about God and Hell have come into greater focus. It's one thing to ask, "Would God send this nice unbelieving person to Hell just for being wrong about Jesus?" and another thing entirely to ask the same question about bin Laden. I still don't know what I believe about Hell.
I still have a very uneasy relationship with violence. It appears that this was a near-perfect operation with very little "collateral damage," (although I'm still haunted by the statement I read in one article that one woman was killed when she was used as a human shield.) but I still don't know my personal conviction about doing violence to another person. It's a very difficult question.
I'm uncomfortable with the idea of celebrating someone's death.

Milestones and Cuteness

2011-04-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Evan clapped for the first time. He's trying to do Patty Cake by himself now.
Today, Evan signed "milk" for the first time -- his first sign!
Today Jeff made us another raised bed. We're extremely excited about this. We bought two big heirloom tomato plants because we really missed the window for planting seeds or transplants. Here's hoping they stay happy!
I went out to a coffee shop for a bit to work on something and while I was gone Lilia was "helping" Jeff fill in the bed. He was using a shovel, she was using a trowel. When I got there she gave me the trowel and said, "Mama help!" like it was a huge treat. I started to shovel with the trowel and she said, "Good job! Good job! Thank you helping me!" Precious. :)

Today

2011-04-06T19:25:00.000-07:00

Evan ate (and loved!) a whole jar of carrots! He hasn't been that into "big boy food" until last week. I was excited. So was he.
We played outside for hours. It was wonderful. Lilia loves our new water table and Evan just likes being out there and watching everything. I also gave Lilia her own "garden" (a big pot full of dirt) and a spoon. She was a happy camper.
This is yesterday but I must commemorate: During a bath, Lilia spontaneously stood up, turned around, pointed and said, "Look at my tukis!" She will kill me for posting this in about 11 years.
Lilia was extremely excited to see that Evan was still awake when we went in their bedroom to put her to bed. She went right up to his crib and hugged and kissed him through the rails. "Mama look! Evan's awake!" He smiled at her adoringly and she said, "I love you too."

Life Moves Pretty Fast.

2011-04-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

So many things are rattling. I hate it when I get behind on my blog!

Motherhood is pushing me to the end of myself again. Some days I feel so overwhelmed. Jeff and I are trying hard to work out a way for me not to feel so exhausted so often. It always comes at the end of our week of 4 10-hour days, so the schedule is probably part of it. Sometimes it gets exhausting to keep looking for solutions.
We are starting to really put effort into our backyard. Largely because I will soon share my days with two toddlers. Our first raised bed has 23 little sprouts in it (beans, squash, sunflowers, spinach, radishes, nasturtium) and we're planting our second bed tomorrow.
Evan has two teeth! Poor guy got them right in the middle of RSV on March 25! Bottom middle two.
Lilia grew up overnight again. She is so much older. Tonight she requested "All Creatures of Our God and King" as our hymn before bed. She put her little heart and soul into the "Alleluia" parts. I cried.
Jeff has been selected for a wonderful internship-sort-of-position at his work and we are both really excited. It's his chance to move into the networking department (where he wants to be) and also he will have weekends off and get a paid lunch so that he can come home an hour earlier. I am so proud of him!

Updating

2011-03-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

So the kids have been really, really sick.

After two trips to the awesome Cornerstone Pediatric Urgent Care and coming home with a nebulizer for Lilia, we went to our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Jafri, to discover simultaneously that the virus was RSV and Evan had it too. RSV is extremely disconcerting and can turn serious fast so I was a bit overwhelmed with both the treatment and the worry.

Fortunately my parents were able to move their Spring trip and (God bless them!) they jumped right into their truck with the 5th wheel in the back and were all set up in our back yard in less than 48 hours!

Of course they had the house cleaned up and the whole thing going like clockwork in no time flat and now the kids are better and we're having a bit of fun before they leave. Thank God.

Just wanted you, my one reader, to know I haven't forgotten you and will have lots of fun blogs very soon. :)

A Few of My Favorite Things

2011-03-09T18:38:00.000-08:00

If I were Oprah, I would make The Perfect Baby Shower Gift and give it away to hundreds of deserving new moms.

Here's what it would have in it:

A Baby Pak Diaper Bag. It's a backpack and it's so small but it holds everything! I can do a whole day outing with both babies in this little wonder! And my hands are always free, which is rule with me.
A Pikkolo baby carrier from Catbird Baby. This carrier is so versatile it can go from newborn to toddler, no problem. AND you keep your hands free. AND you don't kill your back with one of those stupid baby bucket things. AND babies almost always love it because they're being snuggled all the time!
All 4 Baby Signing Time DVD's. These things are amazing. Lilia still signs so much that we're gonna roll it into a second language for homeschooling. They're so well done, the music is not annoying, and your child learns a second language.
Of all the books I've read and love, only two would make The Gift: Sleeping Through the Night by Jodi Mindell and Families Where Grace is in Place by Jeff Van Vonderen. Because these two books saved my life.
A book of phone numbers for my chiropractor, my lactation consultant, and about 10 grace-filled mommies. :)

There's my list! What's on yours?

Two Under Two

2011-03-07T18:28:00.000-08:00

I no longer have two children under two! I just realized this like two days ago.

Lots of folks have asked me about how it was to have them so close together and I thought I should reflect while it's fresh.

So, here are all my reflections and all my unsolicited advice about having two children 18 months apart:

I am SO glad we did it. I could not imagine it any other way. I thought it would take me several years to love it, but I actually enjoy it already.
Some days are super hard. Early on we had a lot of those days. For us, having lots of help from family and friends early on was critical. For others, it works to do preschool or daycare once or twice a week for "Big Baby." If you're gonna do this, I recommend having an outstanding support system. We are blessed with incredible friends and family.
We have been totally saved by babywearing. I find it much easier to get out of the house because I just strap Evan on and then Lilia can either walk or go in the stroller. He rarely fusses because he's where he wants to be, I don't need to worry and my attention can be focused on whatever Lilia's getting into at the moment. ;)
Make a "no stress" zone in your house -- completely toddlerproofed so that you can nurse Little while Big plays without ever having to worry about Big getting into something frustrating. We gated off our front room so I could always have an eye on Lilia, even when Evan is nursing or whatever.
We have found in talking to others with similar age gaps that jealousy is rarely a serious problem when they're this close together.
Get Big into a predictable sleeping routine before Little comes! There are a million ways to do this and I'm not saying have a rigid schedule, but it's really nice to have ONE predictable baby. It is extraordinarily hard when both babies are having trouble sleeping through the night.
Get used to having hard conversations with your spouse. Particularly conversations about strategies to meet everyone's basic needs for sleep and food and to keep your marriage alive and well through this phase. Excellent cooperation is essential.
Learn how to get out of the house. This felt completely overwhelming to me for a while, but having a backpack diaper bag and a few other essentials was incredibly helpful and sometimes just going to the park is a total Godsend.

I Can't Believe I Forgot!

2011-03-05T19:42:00.001-08:00

I forgot one more big change -- I'm taking the GRE and getting ready to go to grad school!

Please recall, not long ago, that I found out Fuller Southwest is trying to add the MFT program. I got very excited but had no idea what to do about it.

Then recently Jeff worked days instead of evenings for a training, and that week happened to be the week of a Fuller preview night. I felt compelled to go.

That's been the thing I keep saying, "I felt compelled." I can't think of any other way to say it. I know I have a choice, but the Next Right Thing just keeps jumping out at me in a way that I can't justify any other option.

This is not common for me but here I am and I have to do it. I have to do it the same way I had to tell Jeff that I'd fallen in love with him in Spring of 2005. I am compelled.

So I went to this preview night and learned a few things:
1. They are trying to get this program out here but it sounds like maybe a 50/50 shot that it will happen.
2. If it does happen the program will be extremely competitive to get into because they really want the first class through it to be successful -- small class sizes, etc.
3. Fuller is incredibly expensive (I later found out that the other option is equally expensive)

Wouldn't you think I would go home discouraged and giving up on this idea? Me too. But I didn't. I went home astonished, but certain -- certain -- that I now need to take the GRE (will be a requirement) and start working on prerequisite classes. So I'm doing that now.

I have no idea where it will lead but I can't live with myself if I don't do what I feel called to do today. So I'm going to hit the practice math questions and the vocab flash cards on my way to bed tonight. This is so weird.

Turning Pages

2011-03-02T18:37:00.000-08:00

Funny Story:

Jeff and I got married after a very long love story and a very short engagement. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

Except the moment that I walked down the aisle. Then I totally freaked out. All I could think was: FOREVER! What was I thinking??? I am not old enough to make this decision!

Of course I was terrified to tell Jeff how I felt because I was certain it would devastate him. But I was serious about being honest with my husband-of-about-three-hours, so I told him in the car on the way to the hotel.

"Babe, I'm totally freaking out right now. Is that okay? I'm just totally freaking out!"

His response was a harbinger of his beautiful, calming influence on my life ever since:

"Babe, you don't do well with change." Wry grin.

Well, there are a lot of changes going on around here! Since many of my previous posts have been sort of cerebral I thought it was about time I update those who want to know about what's going on "on the ground." Here goes:

Lilia's first day in "big gull panties" was Monday! She still wears diapers at sleep times, but this is a big deal for us!
Evan is in the "only crawling backward" stage and it's sort of painful to watch. Poor guy! The more he wants something the faster he backs away from it. But it reminds me that we're entering the "moving baby" phase. Crazy. I can't imagine our family without Evan in it, but it seems like he was born yesterday.
Jeff had an interview yesterday with the network operations department at his company. It has been his dream to go into networking for some time and he's been going to school for it for a while now, so he is super excited about the potential for this opportunity. The interview went well. Prayers are still appreciated.

As usual when big changes come, I am just sort of holding on for the ride. It's weird that I don't even enjoy good changes. I like them once the thing has had a chance to settle, mind you, but I just don't feel that great until the changing part is over.

Praying my way through and loving my family. I am so proud of their achievements, big and small. :)

This is a Blessing

2011-02-26T18:32:00.001-08:00

Sometimes my days are so hard. I don't mean hard in that I don't want to do them, or tragic in any way. Just hard to finish. Like a long hike. Sometimes, if it's been a very long night, they're hard to start. Sometimes it's just hard to imagine getting up and doing everything that needs to be done -- all the diapers, the meals, the potty trips, the nursing, the dressing, the decision-making. Sometimes I'm on my knees before my day starts, begging God to let me be some kind of light to my children when I feel like I'm just... spent.

But then a light shines in and I can see things clearly.

Strange reference, but it reminds me of the movie "Knocked Up." The father involved is telling the soon-to-be grandfather about the unexpected child he's now expecting. He's devastated as he tells his father that this is a disaster. The grandfather responds by saying that an earthquake is a disaster, his mother having Alzheimer's to the extent she doesn't remember him is a disaster. This is a blessing.

So here I am tonight, exhausted and yet having a moment of clarity about what a blessing my life is. So many things are right with it. I am so loved and unconditionally accepted by my husband and kids. I'm so free to be exactly who I am. I get to raise my two favorite children in the world. I don't miss a thing.

This is a blessing. I'm so grateful to have it.

It Matters

2011-02-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

This post on a blog about Egypt really made me think.

In our country it is impolite to discuss politics most of the time. Being politically involved is considered naive at best and a serious character flaw at worst. People who do it are often angry and ill-informed.

The problem is that the more politics becomes a "dirty" subject, the fewer people are running the country. Especially informed and reasonable people. What made our country so different and great at its inception was that we were all supposed to run it.

It never occurred to our founding fathers that we wouldn't want to. That it would be too much work for us all, some day, to keep track of the laws that were being changed and to voice our opinions to our representatives. To vote, even.

I work really hard to be a good citizen. I read a lot of news from good sources (harder and harder to find), I fax and e-mail and call representatives a lot. I post updates on my Facebook that are political in nature even though I know it ruffles feathers.

Why do these things? Why soil my reputation with the dirt of politics? Why upset people who can't tell the difference between disagreement and hatred? Why risk being wrong?

Because all of this matters. It is our job to watch because it is all of us that bear the consequences of these decisions in years to come. Laws on immigration, national debt, taxes, budgets, public education, wars -- these things affect real people every day.

So, how's your citizenship? Do you believe in being politically active? Why or why not?

Reflections on Life Without TV

2011-02-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

I realized the other day that we haven't had TV in our house for nearly 5 years and it caused me to pause and contemplate that.

About 4 1/2 years ago we decided to make the leap to a TV free life. We still watch movies sometimes, but overall we're pretty much off the box these days.

So, after almost 5 years with no TV, here are my reflections:

Indeed, we have way more time. We're also more purposeful with that time.
We get our news from less sensational, print-based sources rather than the TV news and I think we are correspondingly less terrified.
We don't want anywhere near as many things as we used to.
We have no idea what movies are playing.
When we see sitcoms now they all seem really overacted.
Our house is really quiet and peaceful to me now, whereas that quiet would've been uncomfortable to me before.
I MISS FOOTBALL.
We both miss Food Network and HGTV.
We still have to be really wary of the computer for the "time sink" factor.

Overall we're both really glad we got rid of it. It pushes us to spend more time together as a family, to talk and build our relationships when we're together, and to pursue other activities. It's also nice, when you're broke, not to know about all the latest and greatest gadgets you can't afford.

Is anybody else out there TV free? What are your thoughts?

And thirty-two

2011-02-02T19:13:00.000-08:00

Today is my 32nd birthday and I can hardly believe it. I remember my mom telling me once that she's always felt 21 ("When I was 15 I felt 21. Now I'm 50 and I feel 21.") and I totally relate. It's weird to age.

I woke up at 4 this morning to feed Evan and I was too hungry to go back to sleep. So I got up and ate and found a very sweet card and some chocolate from Jeff. My parents were visiting and took us all out for breakfast this morning and gave me a bunch of my favorite movies on DVD plus a book I've wanted for a while. My Meme and Papa called and sang "Happy Birthday" in two parts. Jeff's mom sent cupcakes. My friends called and texted and wrote on my wall in Facebook. What a beautiful flood of love!

I've been so struck lately by how rich the relationships in my life are and how blessed I am to have them.

I have this theory that we are born with only two real desires: to be known and to be loved. My children pretty much came into the world saying, "Know me and love me!" Now I see that in everyone around me as well.

Of course, as a Christian I believe that everyone is already known and loved by the God who made them. But most of us are almost afraid to believe that about ourselves. We get the message that it's ridiculous to think of ourselves as special or important and that we must do something great (or at least well-known) to deserve to be known and loved.

The truth is the opposite of what we hear. We are already known and loved. All of us. We are unique and important.

I pray that I can help others feel that way as well.

TWO!

2011-01-28T19:03:00.001-08:00

(Photo by Jessica Shannon -- www.jessicashannon.net)

Baby Girl, you're a little less "baby" today. Two years ago right now I was still just mostly staring at you, not really knowing what to do. You were so beautiful and seemed so delicate. Sometimes it took me forever to figure out why you were crying and I worried you might hate me forever!

But you don't. You love me almost as much as I love you. :)

You continue to have the most open and loving heart of anyone I know. You will make friends with anyone, you have an unbelievable memory for names and you really do care so much about how others are feeling. You seem genuinely worried when other babies cry and you tell me that they're sad. You always want to make sure that Evan gets kisses and hugs too.

You are also so smart it just amazes me. You pick up on things so fast and you just can't live with yourself if you don't have it all figured out.

You want to do everything yourself. Everything. You will try something at least 3 times before you ask for help, but you do ask for help when you realize you can't do it yourself.

I tell you all the time that there's nobody I'd rather spend my days with than you and Evan and it's really, really true. I am so glad I get to be here to see you discover new things, to hear your language develop (by the way, we lost "daippity" this week. It appears that a diaper is now just a diaper.) and to catch your snuggles and games (Peekaboo is always, always, ALWAYS your favorite and you could play it 24/7). Today we went on a walk in the park in your stroller and you just looked up at me periodically and said, "Mama!" like you'd never seen me before, with a great big smile. I feel the same way so often. Like I've never seen you before and I'm totally amazed.

Your relationship with your dad continues to be genuinely special. You two really can't get enough of each other. Most of the time he misses you so much when you sleep that it's hard for him not to wake you up! A few weeks ago you told me you were going to "work" because you wanted to see Daddy. Watching you together is one of the many great joys of my life.

I pray for you every night, that you will really know how much God loves you. I pray that I can show you a little bit of that. I tell it to you about 500 times a day, but I'll say it again.

I love you so much, Lilia Joy. I am so proud of you. I am so glad I had you.

Exalted

2011-01-22T19:47:00.000-08:00

Evan catching my eye. This is his expression when he first sees me every single time, except when he was born. That day he was a little upset....

My husband plays this little video game with his friends called World of Warcraft. (Apparently it's some kind of big deal.) It cracks me up because it puts exact, numerical values on things like "experience" and "reputation." The other day he came to me with great delight and informed me that he had such a great reputation with a certain tribe in the game that he had become "Exalted."

Apparently Jeff has arrived.

The next morning we woke up and Evan gave me the look in the above picture, following me with his eyes wherever I went regardless of other goings on in the room. I looked at Jeff and said, "There's 'Exalted' for ya!"

I now refer to Evan as my own personal cult following. It's really far less uncomfortable than I thought, being constantly showered with unbridled adoration. It takes almost no getting used to.

Before Evan was born I was a little worried about how I would love another child as much as I love Lilia. But now I see that, as my mom would say, each of them is my favorite child. Whichever one I'm looking at!

I am so blessed by this son I never thought I would have. I'm sure you're starting to see a theme in my blog. I certainly am. So blessed, so blessed, so blessed.

Redemption

2011-01-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

Good heavens, I'm too tired to write tonight.

But here I am and it's been too long and I need to write this post.

Since I posted the infamous Mark Driscoll quote a month ago, I've contemplated what it is about that statement that I find so appalling. Of course, there are multiple aspects of it that are offensive (and probably meant to be offensive) but ordinarily I would just let something like that go. But something about that quote stuck and I couldn't figure it out.

I realized that it was redemption.

Redemption is my religion, my hope for the world and for myself, the hill I will die on, sin qua non of Christianity. It's naive, unlikely and absolutely essential.

You must understand that if people can't be changed my life is meaningless.

In my opinion, pure Christianity is the opposite of cynicism because it's based on the notion that the most broken among us can be healed. Not cleaned up a bit or taught to follow a new set of rules, but permanently internally transformed.

Bearing all of this in mind, the idea that all women have a character flaw so deep that even Christ can only redeem them enough to sit in the back (because they're too gullible to be trusted with leadership) is disgusting to me.

That women can't be transformed completely is a lie of the vilest kind because it threatens to extinguish the hope of complete redemption through Christ for women.

People change. Men, women and children change at a deep level when they choose to allow Christ to transform their lives. I've seen in happen. It happened to me.

A Learning Home

2011-01-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

Ask my mom why she home schooled us and she will reply, "I wanted you to be peer independent and I wanted you to be life-long learners." Then she'll give a wry smile and say something like, "I think it worked out pretty well, don't you?"

Truly, my sister and I have reaped huge benefits from her work. We read like crazy, live for discussions of great ideas and generally love to learn about nearly anything.

My mom and I had a discussion recently about what we should call what we did. The term "homeschooling" brings to mind desks and assignments and grades -- school at home -- which couldn't be less like what we did. After extended discussion we decided to call it "a learning home."

We were absolutely learning all the time.

We read books together (a lot of them out-loud), went to museums and parks and monuments and science centers, we did road trips and learned everything we could get our hands on. I have more fond memories of my childhood than I could ever describe.

I think my whole adult life I've been excited about providing that for my kids -- a space that's enriched and exciting, where the world is opened for them to explore. It's absolutely wonderful that Lilia's getting to an age where she can enjoy these things with us and we're having a great time teaching her!

And I'm so blessed to have so many rich memories of my own "Learning Home" to call upon.

Thanks, Mom.

And More Liliaisms

2011-01-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

Maze Gwace, Swee sound, Save wetch ike eeeee. = Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
Ineee, wowowowow = I need Thee every hour....
Hode it! (hands pinching like a crab in Evan's direction) = May I hold Evan please?
I wovuuwuuwuu = I love you
Kisses!
Snuggooo!
Yaya do it.
Thomas Train! (That would be *any train* in the known universe)
Big giwl o's (Cheerios with milk and a spoon!)
Skype Gwamma!
Mommy's phome (Mommy's phone)
Ephantine = Elephant
Sontines, emma dodd = Sometimes, by Emma Dodd (beloved book from Auntie Aca)
Dr. Seuss, Sandra Boynton (she loves them and requests them often)
Tuck in!

One more thing I want to remember -- she puts Daddy to bed. It's the cutest thing. She "tucks him in" with his jacket by pulling it up to his neck and shoulders, rubs his head and sings "Maze Gwace." So precious.

Surely Goodness and Mercy Will Follow Me

2011-01-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

^{Psalm 23: 1} The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
² He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
³ He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
⁴ Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,^]">[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

This Psalm was our meditation when I was in labor with Lilia.

There's no method of study that compares with labor. Really. There I was, in pain that exponentially exceeded anything I'd experienced to that point (or since -- my second labor was cake), feeling like the world was caving in on me every 2 minutes, desperate for some kind of rescue, saying over and over again, "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

Someone posted a discussion of this Psalm on Facebook and it brought me back to something like a loving relationship that I have with it. I love it like an old friend.

When I look at it now I can see that these words that roll off so easily are completely the opposite of so much of the world around us, just like they were for me in labor. The pain, the devastation, the grief that surrounds us is almost unbearable and yet we say that we lack nothing, that goodness and mercy follow us, that we will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The contrast, I think, is exactly why this Psalm has become so dear to me. It's what it means to be (as my family called it when I was young) a Believer. One who believes. It's the root of my faith: a God who follows me with a love that knows no bounds, a mercy that is new every morning, a goodness that isn't tainted by my error, a power that goes deeper than the deepest hurt the world has ever known.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Baby Carrier Reviews

2011-01-02T06:31:00.000-08:00

I've owed everyone this post for a while! People often ask me, "what is the best baby carrier?" This is my answer:

The best baby carrier varies. It depends on how much you want to adjust/wrap/tie, your frame and the personality and age/size of your baby. I use only 2-shouldered carriers (people LOVE slings and they will not cause back problems but can exacerbate problems like mine). I also have very chill babies who love to be worn, but I don't know whether that's because I've always worn them, or the carriers are comfortable, or it's just their personalities. Two is a very small control group!

In terms of comfort for baby, you should look for something that supports the baby's legs in a "seated" position all the way to his/her knees. rather than dangling their legs from the hips.

So that's where I'm coming from and here's my experience:

Moby Wrap:

Least expensive and possibly most comfortable carrier I've used
Lots of wrapping and tying! If that intimidates you, try something else
Use You Tube as your instruction manual
Too hot for me in Phoenix summers
The only carrier I've owned that the babies don't seem to mind me sitting down in.
Easy to buy and sell on Craigslist, easy to make if you're crafty (I'm NOT!)
GREAT for inconspicuous breastfeeding if you want to learn how
Folds up tiny for travel
IMO uncomfortable with babies over about 20 lbs
Extremely versatile, but I found front facing in was by far easiest.

Kozy Karrier brand mei tai:

Easier to wrap and tie than Moby, not as easy as Ergo or Pikkolo
Folds up tiny for travel
Comfortable to maybe 25 lbs or so
Neat patterns if you like that, usually has a plain side as well which is nice if Daddy doesn't like patterns
Cooler for summer wear
Extremely versatile: front, back, side facing in. Pretty sure it does front facing out, but my kids don't like that so far.

Ergo Baby Carrier:

Extremely easy to wear, but take the time to make sure you've got it on correctly. Have somebody check it if it doesn't feel great!
Pretty sure I could wear a 5-year-old in this carrier. Ridiculously comfortable up to about 40 lbs, I think.
Has a pocket for binky, cell phone, burp cloth, whatever
Bulky on someone with a small frame
Mostly pretty plain, dad-friendly patterns
Best padding on the shoulder pads as well as the waist band.
Sleeping/breastfeeding/sun hood is attached and easy to use, but I find this one hard to nurse in.
Front, back and side carry are all pretty easy to use, side takes a little education

Pikkolo from Catbird Baby:

Most versatile carrier, IMO. Great for newborn (with no insert) all the way to big babies (with support belt), facing in or out, front, back or side
Less bulky than Ergo, but less padded too
Straps cross in the back which is more comfortable for me with narrow shoulders
No pocket -- bugs me!
Easy to use -- nearly as easy as the Ergo
Pretty cool with air flow for summer
Hood is not attached, easy to lose. So is the strap for wearing it on your back and the support belt, if you buy that

(FYI, the names are links to where to purchase. No, nobody sent me samples or gives me money for recommending!)

How to Use Your Voice

2011-01-01T17:59:00.000-08:00

"Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee."

A voice is a huge responsibility. An intelligent voice, especially an American one, can have a huge impact. I've thought a lot lately about how I want my children to use theirs.

Mom's guide to using your voice:

People are afraid of technology, but I think what you say and how you say it matters a lot more than where you say it.
Be the same person face-to-face, when people know you and hold you accountable, as you are online.
Never, ever forget that every person you talk to or about was carefully made by God and when He finished, He was proud of His work. If you treat them like they are worthless, you are disagreeing with God. That's a dangerous place to be.
Telephones, letters and the internet are powerful things that can make your voice available to more people. Try to think of someone who doesn't have a voice and needs help and use those things to speak for them.
Jesus was near to the brokenhearted but didn't give them much advice.
One of the most powerful things you can say is "I'm sorry." As soon as you know you've said or done something wrong don't rest until you can say it to the person you hurt.
Always try to learn before speaking.

And a Happy New Year

2010-12-31T18:14:00.000-08:00

I have so many posts to write, rattling around in my head.

But today I have to write this one, because it's the last day of such a year. Such a year.

My mom told me a few years ago that our life then was about sowing faithfully. We were so careful with our budget, our time, our plans, but we hadn't seen a ton of fruit yet.

This year was about reaping. We're still trying to sow faithfully but so much has come to fruition in our lives this year. I don't think I've ever felt as grateful on a day-by-day basis as I do right now.

A husband I adore, who adores me back and shows it by partnering in the daily nitty gritty of life with me. A toddler whose heart is so big and beautiful and generous and open that it inspires me every day. A baby boy whose cuddles and smiles give me joy and strength on a daily basis.

If I die tomorrow, let it be known that God was more generous with me than I ever deserved or imagined and that I walked in wide-eyed wonder of His boundless grace in my life.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T05:27:00.001-08:00

I've been up since 4 this morning, thinking of what today will mean in terms of joy for my family.

(The family that I still can't believe I have.)

I'm smelling spiced cider and imagining Lilia with her new race cars and train set and feeding Evan in the light of the Christmas tree and thanking God, again, for the birth of hope. In the world and in me.

Good News of Great Joy

2010-12-23T07:04:00.001-08:00

It's Christmas and I love it. I love all of it. I love the music, the lights, the movies, the food, the general warmth. I don't sweat the commercialism and we do a very simple Christmas so I'm not too stressed out about it.

But there is a Christmas inside that is so difficult to explain.

Two thousand years ago the world was bent by the enormous load of grief that comes with knowing it's not supposed to be like this. Everyone tried harder to do things right, to think of another sacrifice that would make them okay, give them a clean slate, un-tarnish them. They made more rules and tried every way they knew how to make life, to make themselves into what they knew they should be. More loving, kinder, more generous and compassionate.

But what they really needed was a word from the God who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. How could they ever climb to where He was? Surely He could make everything right, but how would they ever get to Him?

Only a few years ago I was bent by that same load of grief. I knew the world was not as it should be. I knew I was not as I should be. I felt broken and tarnished and ruined in a thousand ways.

What I really needed was a word from God, who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. I knew He could make it right, but how could I ever climb to where he was? Every time I tried to clean myself up I made the mess worse.

So, to a world that was broken beyond repair, to me, damaged beyond recognition, He came.

Emmanuel, the final Word on where God stands in relation to those suffering from our own badness or the badness of others or a little of both: God is with us. The God who seemed so distant came. He didn't send a word or a message or a prophet. He came. He couldn't imagine leaving us to suffer alone, so He came and suffered with us. And offered us a whole new heart.

My friends are all really good at thinking of ways to teach their kids about the real meaning of Christmas, but I find that I am not. I can show my toddler a baby in a manger and tell her about Jesus' birthday, but how can she understand what it means to be the weary world, rejoicing with a thrill of hope. Real hope.

Not the hope of a new diet or a new time management plan or a new resolution, the hope of a new heart when you think all hope is gone.

My wonderful pastor, Duane, explained the difference between "good news" and "great joy" this way: Good news is hearing that someone sent out a check for $100,000 to change someone's life. Great joy is when it's you that's receiving the check.

So I will add a new prayer for my children. I pray that they know the good news of Christmas, but also that it becomes their own Great Joy. I pray that Emmanuel will be with them, too, and will write their stories someday as He has rewritten mine.

My Favorite Mommy Jobs

2010-12-17T05:17:00.000-08:00

(Disclaimer:I don't mean "Mommy jobs" to the exclusion of Daddy. Indeed, Jeff does many of these jobs quite frequently, as well as or better than me!)

1. Kissing minor owies. Or pretend owies, or the doll's owies.
2. Singing.
3. Introducing them to new things or places.
4. Snuggling when clingy or afraid.
5. Making Christmas happen.
6. Reading stories.
7. Bedtime routines.
8. Nursing/snuggling while napping.
9. Comforting after nightmares.
10. Teaching counting, ABC's, days of the week, etc.

In Contrast

2010-12-15T19:22:00.000-08:00

Dorothy Sayers, Are Women Human?:

"Perhaps it is no wonder that women were the first at the Cradle and the last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man – there never has been another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as “The women, God help us?” or “The ladies, God bless them!”; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words or deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” about woman’s nature."

Some women have wondered why/how I stay Christian among so much sexism. This is why: I run past it all, straight into the arms of Jesus.

Again, I would love your comments!

Fit to be Tied

2010-12-15T09:03:00.000-08:00

Mark Driscoll is a popular Christian leader, pastor of Mars Hill megachurch in Seattle, and other of over a dozen books including The Relevant Church.

Here's his analysis of Paul's view of women leading the church:

"Without blushing, Paul is simply stating that when it comes to leading in the church, women are unfit because they are more gullible and easier to deceive than men. While many irate women have disagreed with his assessment through the years, it does appear from this that such women who fail to trust his instruction and follow his teaching are much like their mother Eve and are well-intended but ill-informed. . . Before you get all emotional like a woman in hearing this, please consider the content of the women’s magazines at your local grocery store that encourages liberated women in our day to watch porno with their boyfriends, master oral sex for men who have no intention of marrying them, pay for their own dates in the name of equality, spend an average of three-fourths of their childbearing years having sex but trying not to get pregnant, and abort 1/3 of all babies – and ask yourself if it doesn’t look like the Serpent is still trolling the garden and that the daughters of Eve aren’t gullible in pronouncing progress, liberation, and equality."

I would like to hear your comments.

Why I Love Babywearing

2010-12-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

When I first became a parent I was, shall we say, a blank slate. A terrified blank slate. I was nothing short of desperate for somebody to tell me how to do this. And, as any parent knows, the world was happy to oblige.

I was ready to follow every rule, every "best practice" that studies might show. So, among other things, I decided I was going to wear my baby on my person as much as possible.

To be honest, now I could not care less about everybody else's rules for parenting, but I still *love* babywearing for completely selfish reasons. I've become a "babywearing evangelist" so let me sing the praises on my blog. :)

No better way to cover the post-pregnancy pounds. Why does nobody talk about this??? It's fabulous.
No lugging a car seat. We hated the "baby bucket" car seat so much with Lilia we didn't even get one with Evan. That thing is ridiculous. It's not even meant to be carried. There is no graceful way to do it.
No lugging a stroller. I think Lilia was 6 months old the first time she went in a stroller. Evan hasn't been in one yet. Do you know why? Because they're a pain. Opening and closing and loading in and out of your car and trying to navigate everything differently is no fun. With a baby carrier, just strap your baby on and you're done. No need to remember which stores offer a "handicapped button" to open the door.
Way less worrying. When I was a new parent and checking if Lilia was breathing every 10 minutes it saved a lot of energy and concern. I still feel that way, especially if Evan is sick.
Easier to go more places. Like "off-roading" or places it would be hard to get a stroller.
Quieter life. I don't have a super high tolerance for crying and you usually don't get much of it if you wear your baby. That goes for public places, too. We get comments all the time about how content our babies are, because basically we just strap 'em on.
People stay out of your space. Especially when you have a newborn, people don't keep trying to touch and hold them if they're on your person.
More snuggle time with your baby. It's just a great feeling to hold a happy baby. Or a sleeping baby.
More shared perspective with your baby. I know what they're looking at or "talking" about. Also, they see the world from the same perspective as an adult so it's easier to point out things I see.
Nobody notices whether you remembered to wear makeup.

So, these are my own personal reasons for babywearing. If you haven't tried it, give it a shot, but if you don't like it you'll find no judgment here.

**Special note: If you're gonna wear your baby, grab a backpack diaper bag so you can be truly hands free! Much easier. My favorite is the Baby Pak. Got mine on Ebay for like $13.**

Awoohoo!

2010-12-06T13:49:00.001-08:00

He giggles. I fall a little more in love every day.

How I've Changed

2010-12-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows that becoming a parent has the power to profoundly change you, but it's amazing to look back and see it. As with any other life experience, the opportunity to change is granted to everyone but not everyone takes it. I try to force myself to not just survive, but really experience it all the way and be changed by it.

Looking back, I'm excited to see that I've actually changed in a few ways! Big girl! :)

I have better perspective most of the time. I naturally prioritize things in my head a lot faster and more accurately the first time.
I multitask about a million times better.
I have a lot more grace for other parents. I know how hard it is, I know that there's more than one way to do it and I know nobody does it perfectly.
I am significantly less apologetic about my life. I have an inner strength that (I will swear until the day I die) came to me with my first pregnancy. I treasure it.
I have a greater sense of purpose. I am literally on a mission from God to raise these children up into all God has for them. I will do it or die trying.
I accept help more readily.

How has parenting changed you?

Things Lilia Says Every Day

2010-12-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

Yaya do it!
Ummmm.... appo joos pees. (Ummm, apple juice please.)
Mama go? Dada go? (Where did Mama go? Where did Dada go?)
Pahyay! Pahyay! (Potty! Potty!)
Owie. Kisses!
Nigh nigh, Woskie (Night night, Rosco)
Semi teet! (Sesame Street!)
Shhhh. Evan nigh nigh. (Shhh. Evan is sleeping.)
Skype! Baba! Grandma! Aca! Babu! MeMe! Papa! (Skype Grandma, Grandpa, Erica, Badger, Meme and Papa)
Bigull! (Big girl!)
Mama pigtails. (Mama, may I put your hair in pigtails?)
Fishie Crackers!
Baby Moshesh. (Meaning she wants to find Baby Moses in her little Bible and give him a kiss goodnight. She cannot go to sleep until she's done this.)
Dansink. (I'm dancing.)
Stairs! Cook! Eggs! (I want to stand on the step stool and help Dada cook eggs.)
Uh one shoe. (Other shoe, please.)
Kissie! Gaewee! (I have a kiss for the picture of Gary on the card.)

Crazy

2010-11-24T18:48:00.000-08:00

The last few days have been a roller coaster. To be honest, I guess the last few years have been a roller coaster.

One of the critical reasons it's so hard to understand motherhood from the outside is that so much of motherhood happens on the inside.

Two pink lines on a piece of plastic and you are suddenly a different person. Chemistry changes, biology changes, hormones change, instincts change. Your perspective changes and all you want to do is mother -- raise this baby the best way that you know how, giving them every opportunity you can.

You have mood swings, morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, fatigue, cravings and aversions, and overwhelming motivation to protect the life inside of you and to create a safe place for that little baby once he or she is born.

Then you have labor, which I have learned from my two children can range from totally doable to comparable only to the cruciatus curse from the Harry Potter series.

After that you're monitoring baby's weight gain, accepting that you can never have exactly the body you had before pregnancy, learning how to breastfeed, coping with sleep deprivation, writing down feeds and poops and pees and trying to get your baby to sleep while often dealing with continued mood swings as your body adapts to not being pregnant anymore.

One of the most difficult things about all of this for me has been the fact that, after 3 years of total partnership, Jeff cannot completely go with me on this journey. Sometimes I've felt alone in my pain or stress or exhaustion or moodiness and this weekend was one of those times.

Women are thrust head-on into the experience of parenting, but men have a choice as to how involved to be from the moment they get the news of the pregnancy. And some choose to take no role at all or only a very small one.

But Jeff has proven time and time again that, free to choose, he will walk this road beside me no matter how hard it gets or how crazy I get. He proved that again this weekend by showing me that I am important to him, that I am a priority, and that I'm not alone, no matter what. He is my hero!

I say it all the time, but I am so blessed to have this family. If I could pick any 3 people to spend my days with it would be them.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Prescott and Parade

2010-11-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted pics in a little while so here are some fun ones.

When Jeff's folks were here we had the opportunity to go up to Prescott with them and see Jeff's Aunt and Uncle. Well, Aunt Lynn has a *way* with babies and Evan just conked right out on her. It was so cute!

However, in his waking time he's making quite a show of the whole holding-up-his-head thing.

One of my favorite aspects of this time of year is our town's big parade. It's such a fun family treat! This was our second year, but Lilia was so much more engaged with it this time around. It was very cool.
Jeff wore Evan in the carrier part o the time and I can never resist taking pictures of the hot babywearing Daddy!

Sometimes I still can't believe how blessed we are. So fun to hang out with our little family!

Things I Say Every Day

2010-11-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

I thought this would be an interesting window into my life to look back on down the road. As anyone who has ever spoken with me on the phone can attest, I am certain that I say each of the following at least once a day:

I love you. (I think I say this 400 times a day. It overflows.)
Big girl!
Hi, Son! Are you a happy boy?
Can I keep you forever?
Okay, but Evan has to finish eating first. Can you wait?
Oh no! Wherrrrrre's Lilia? Oh! There she is!
Mama needs to cook. Do you want to help me or go play in the front room?
Are you pooping?
Where do big girls go poopie?
Can you please put your pants back on?
Baby, Auntie Aca is nigh nigh. We can't Skype with her right now.
No Nemo today, Baby. Why don't we play with your toys?
Who's Mama's favorite son/daughter?
No, that's Mommy's phone/water bottle/computer/food/juice.
Can you use your words please?
Can you think of a nicer way to say that please?
Do you want to sing your ABC's?
Gentle!
Aaaah booo booo booo booo! (Getting progressively closer to Evan's face)
Do you have a kissy for Evan?
Lilia, if you do _____, Mama will take that away.
It's nigh nigh time in ___ minutes.
We don't throw our food on the floor.
Mama needs to go pump. I'll be right back.
Oh thank you for the snuggles! Mama loves snuggles!
Which book do you want to read?

Bonus post! Before I forget....

2010-11-17T19:42:00.001-08:00

She stopped leaving out numbers, so now she officially counts to ten. Growing up way too fast!

Points of Light

2010-11-17T19:24:00.001-08:00

We've had a difficult few weeks in that Evan has not been sleeping well. As all of my real life and blogging friends know, I am not good with sleep deprivation. But we march on.

A few things have really gotten me through all of it. I thought I would memorialize those.

Jeff's encouragement. We watched a movie together on Sunday night ("Date Night." We loved it.) and had a chance to just chat. It was amazing. I told Jeff I was feeling discouraged because I've never had to work so hard just to "make par" at anything in my life as I have with parenting. He told me he doesn't think I am just making par. He told me he thinks I'm the best mom he knows. He said how much he appreciates that I always seem to know what the babies need, and how compassionate I am with them, and how seriously I take teaching them things. I could go on that for a year! Wow.
Lilia's compassion. Lilia continues to have such an inherently kind heart. I love it so much! If I bonk or say "ow," she says, "Mama! Owie! Kisses!" until I let her kiss my owie. She worries about Evan if he cries. She misses us when we're gone. She snuggles the animals and pets them gently. She shares. It really keeps me going to see her be so loving.
Evan's smiles and snuggles. His face just completely lights up with joy when he sees me and I can't help but smile back. He's trying so hard to talk now, gurgling and cooing and smiling and thinking hard. And he just snuggles into me with his whole body. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
Great friends. Today I was going on about 4 hours sleep, plus the chronic sleep deprivation of the last two weeks, but I went to a play date with some friends from church and felt so much better. It's lovely to be in the same boat and share joys and frustrations with other moms. I also still greatly, greatly appreciate the incredible friends we made in our small group. It feels weird to call them friends because at this point they are family members. Thank God for cell phones and texting because sometimes they are a lifeline.

So all in all it really hasn't been too bad, going through this bout of sleep deprivation. It really doesn't take long for me to remember how very blessed I am. Hopefully sleep will come soon but I'm so glad I'm not missing out on these precious relationships in the meantime.

They did it again.

2010-11-16T20:23:00.000-08:00

Grew, I mean. Overnight.

I did not tell them they could do this, yet they persist.

Evan is now holding his head up all over the place like it's no thing, continuing to have complete conversations with anything with a face, and now trying to crawl.

Lilia has learned to say the whole word for Skype, and she's just.... well, big. She's big. We kept telling her she was a big girl and now she is one and I sort of wish I could take it back.

There are no words to describe how I just want to drink it. Parenting at this stage is so hard, so exhausting, that it sometimes makes me forget who I am. It's disorienting. I'm sleep deprived and broke and often worried I'm just doing the whole thing wrong.

And yet when I imagine these years slipping steadily away I just want to cry at the thought. I really don't take a minute of these babies for granted.

It's Not Supposed to Be Like This

2010-11-13T19:41:00.001-08:00

(Be forewarned that this post is pretty raw.)

I went to a funeral yesterday. Pretty sure it was a 24 inch casket, all decked out in pink flowers. My neighbors' precious, innocent, beautiful, 2 1/2-month-old baby girl died in their arms Monday.

It's not supposed to be like this.

Oh, but it is like this. It's excruciating. I've recently prayed for another beautiful family who lost another beautiful baby and a friend who suddenly lost a long-time friend who had only just become his girlfriend.

As this amazing mother who had only 16 days with her son wrote, "When I consider the collective weight of grief people are bearing, I am amazed that the world does not sink under it."

I've heard that "everything happens for a reason," that somehow we should be okay with this. People are uncomfortable, I suppose, with the wrongness of all of it. They want to make it cleaner, make it somehow okay.

My feelings are too much to articulate. So I will only say this:

This is not the way it's supposed to be. Say what you want about death or grief, but don't try to make it okay. People are walking around with these gaping wounds left on their souls when loved ones have gone. It is not okay.

Parents should be able to raise their children. Lovers should have a chance to build their lives together. It's just not supposed to be like this.

Gratitude

2010-11-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

Every night when I close my eyes to pray, the first words out of my mouth are "Thank you, Lord." We are so blessed. We have been so blessed.

Jeff and I married 5 years ago today. Lest you (my one reader) forget, I came thisclose to a disastrous, abusive marriage and was saved by the grace of God. Then I went to counseling, learned a ton about myself and found that the love that I'd always wanted was not "out there," but up. God had loved me madly the whole time.

And the partner He had for me had been under my nose for almost a decade.

It took so much for me to see what I already had, but now I "get it" every day. Jeff is a rock. He is a better partner than anyone I could've imagined for myself. He is compassionate, hilarious, responsible, genuine, and of course... hot. :)

Side by side we've grown so much in the past 5 years, planted so many seeds and seen so much fruit.

We have a marriage that is deeper and more solid than either of us ever imagined. We have many close friends who know us well and share our lives and allow us to share in theirs. We have families that love us. We own our first home. We have enough money to squeeze by on one income so we can invest the maximum time into our kids. We have two running cars!

Most of all, we have two happy and healthy babies that have taught us so much and given us so much love.

Thank you, Lord.

The Farm!

2010-11-10T19:32:00.000-08:00

This last weekend Jeff's parents were in town and we got a chance to go to Vertuccio Farms, which is always fun. They have these awesome little pedal cars that you can drive around, plus a corn maze (I think there was something wrong with it this year! Seemed really sparse.) a barrel train and a bunch of farm animals. A good time was had by all. Even Evan, who pretty much chilled out in the Pikkolo the whole time. :)

The Fair!

2010-11-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe a month ago Jeff and I took the kids on a walk and discussed the next few months -- what we wanted to budget for in terms of Christmas gifts and fun things to do. I was all about farms and corn mazes, Jeff really wanted to go to the fair.

We went on a day that offered free admission for a donation for a local shelter (this days' donation was deodorant) and we had a wonderful time. We didn't ride anything, but we looked at all the animals and went in the petting zoo and ate fried food.

We were really excited to discover that the act that was playing the fair that night (free!) was Montgomery Gentry. Since moving to Phoenix we've really started to like country music and it was great to be able to see them for free.

We feel so blessed to enjoy hanging out as a family so much. The best part was just to be together for the whole thing and see the kids having a good time. Even Evan was just staring at all the lights for a lot of the time. It was great!

Fall, and all that that entails.

2010-11-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

It's Fall. Honest-to-God Fall. Those of you in other, less scalding parts of the country may not understand the depth of this reality.

How could you, really, when you've been casually wandering the great outdoors in your double-digit temperatures all summer?

It's like the recess bell. Or, better yet, the last bell of the school day on the last day of school. Everyone outside! Now! For months!

And it's so much more fun with two little people to share it with. October brought a wonderful outside party at a local farm with Lilia's beloved "Joshie." No, we didn't put them up to this picture.

Then, the next day we picked out a pumpkin

and then went to our church's Harvest Festival, where they had a bounce house without a bunch of big kids in it. So Lilia was able to go in a bounce house for the first time! It was so cool to see her warm up to the idea. She also played a ton of games and pretty much picked necklaces for every prize. She was very serious about the whole thing. :)

Where was Evan in all of this? Asleep in our wonderful Pikkolo carrier, of course. :) Or nursing or just looking around and taking it all in. Generally on the person taking the pictures. :(

Next post will be about the fair and we got several cute ones of him there. His personality is coming out so much and we all fall more in love with him every day. Especially these days.

Happy Fall. :)

THIS JUST IN

2010-11-03T08:43:00.001-07:00

He rolls. :)

Mental Picture

2010-10-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

I have been so tired this week. I took a job subbing at the school I used to work at, just for half days for 7 days (last Thursday through this Friday). We knew it would be a hard week and it has been! The main thing is that I work through naptime so I miss my chance to catch up on the sleep I'm losing at night. Jeff has to get up earlier in the morning so he's also missing out on sleep.

But tonight I packed up the kids when they woke up from their nap and went to the library. It was such a wonderful evening.

I excused myself from worrying about not having made dinner. I excused myself from worrying about the messy house and company coming next week. I excused myself from pretty much everything except enjoying my 2 beautiful kids. After the library we went next door to watch the sun set over the lake at the Riparian preserve.

Lilia loved reading at the library, especially sitting in the perfectly sized chairs. She LOVED the lake (Wa! Wa!!! Fishies!), she sang along with the radio in the car.

I think I will excuse myself more often. :)

Testing

2010-10-23T20:19:00.000-07:00

There are certain people who do things just to say they did them. Or to test themselves. Or whatever it is that causes people to climb this or hike that or fly to the moon.

I am not one of those people.

I like my comfort. I like hotels and nice cars and manicured lawns and that kind of thing.

But it turns out that parenting is one of those things that shows you what you're made of, that becomes an Everest or a marathon or an English Channel. It's a mission, a calling, a challenge, a test, whatever.

And, weirdly, it turns out that I'm grateful for that.

Evan and His Dude, Lilia and Her Songs

2010-10-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

Evan has made a friend. We call him "Evan's Dude." He's basically a smiley face with a bunch of funny arms. Evan is captivated. I'm starting to suspect that Evan is the Brooks-Dowty family's third extravert. Poor Jeff will never get a word in edgewise or a moment to himself with all these social butterflies flitting around! Evan loves people so much already. It's really fun to see. Sometimes he literally cries just because he wants to socialize. Not eat or sleep or even be held, but socialize. He has things to say.

Anyway, Evan has whole conversations with his dude. They laugh, they cry. We think that if he could talk he would say, "I love you, man!" Because he does.

Lilia, on the other hand, has finally moved past talking and into singing. She will even sing on cue on some occasions. It's no surprise that her favorite song is "I Need Thee Every Hour." (At what age is it appropriate to tell her the reason I sang that to her so much is because I desperately needed God's help when she was a newborn?) She also attempts the ABC's (DEDDD LMNO Daipitty, YZ, All done!) and counting, which is generally one, two five.

We went on a walk to the park this evening and it was so awesome to wear Evan and hear Lilia's perspective on everything from airplanes to rocks and leaves. She wanted to knock on all the rock walls. I would love to have an explanation of everything that goes on in her head!

Ferris Beuller wasn't kidding. Life moves pretty fast.

It's simpler this way.

2010-10-19T19:19:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I've been reflecting a lot on politics lately. It's not a bright spot for me in Arizona right now, but I feel obliged to think about it to be a good citizen.

I am really starting to get depressed about the whole thing.

In the ideal world in my head, every citizen would do three things:
1. Care
2. Think
3. Be kind

This world is so far from ideal.

The problem, as I see it, is that people start by caring very little. They care enough to listen to a "public figure" (usually famous for being hateful and rude) give his or her opinion but not enough to dig into the complex underlying factors in nearly every issue. Especially if those complex underlying factors challenge their ideas or those of their chosen hateful commentator.

This brings us to the lack of thinking. Most people don't look deep enough to be challenged on an issue, so they don't give the issues much thought.

Then, since they've chosen their side (red or blue) and they see the issues in simple black and white it's easy for them to decide that the people on the other side are stupid or evil and treat them accordingly, leading to a lack of kindness.

I don't have television so I haven't seen any campaign ads this cycle, but the signs are enough to drive me to drink. I saw one today that simply suggested we vote against someone because he's an incumbent. Really? Yes. Because it's a lot easier to say "screw them all. I'm going to vote 'em all out!" than it is to investigate the issues that are important to you and choose a candidate who agrees with you on those issues.

I guess it's simpler this way.

Infant Sleep Books: a Review of My Experience

2010-10-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid to write this. Seriously.

If you're a parent you know that you never bring up where or how you get your child to sleep with anyone but your nearest and dearest. Because the amount of judgment on this subject in the world at large is overwhelming.

I'm writing this post, though, because I have been the mom who is so desperate for sleep that she reads everything she can find on the subject like it's a part-time job. Wanting ideas, not unrequested advice. I know there are more of those moms out there now and they are worth risking judgment from those who seem to know it all.

For you, Desperate Moms, I will write my experience and what worked for me. In case you've never tried it and you might want to and it might work for you. That's all I mean by it. I promise. It's a long post. Read at your own risk.

So, 20 months ago I became a basket case. I mean that in the nicest, warm and fuzziest way possible. I need sleep and when I didn't get it I became desperate. And furthermore, Lilia was getting desperate for sleep herself. She was crying every night in our arms and pretty much needed to be on my person or Jeff's to sleep at all.

I was all about kind and gentle methods. Lilia slept in our bed and we really enjoyed the bonding time with her, so we wanted to keep going with that if we could. So we started with The No Cry Sleep Solution. We tried to gradually stop her from nursing to sleep, we tried nearly every method listed in the book. She got worse. In fact, she cried more than she ever had, despite all our efforts to the contrary.

Next, we tried The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. The basic methods in that book are the EASY (this is one of the many places you'll find the "eat, wake, sleep" pattern recommended), and the "pick up put down." This is basically a method where you pick the baby up whenever she fusses and then put her back down when she's calm. We had some success with this one and I think it might have worked really well if we'd started it from the get-go. Eat, wake, sleep was a great thing for Lilia, but "pick up put down" really, really upset her. She hated it every time we did it and it made her cry harder because it was frustrating to her.

At some point around 7 months we had to switch to formula and she slept through the night on her own, but still had a *terrible* time going to sleep. It was so sad! She would cry and cry. One night at 11pm when we were driving her to get her to go to sleep I realized we needed to do something different. I googled something like "infant sleep expert" to try to find someone with more qualifications than just personal experience as a nurse or mom and was pleased to find Dr. Jodi Mindell, a psychologist with over 30 years' experience in the field of pediatric sleep disorders. Bingo!

We ordered her book, Sleeping Through the Night and I read it immediately. Now, her book is a little different in that there's more theory involved. There is an "official method" in there, but it's really only about 4 pages of the book. I felt that, in reading this book, I learned a whole lot about sleep in general and how it works. In fact, Jeff and I now sometimes use these methods to help ourselves get more sleep!

Her basic ideas are creating a routine that is reliable every single sleep time (she actually makes a great case for routines in the rest of your child's day as well!), and making sure that your child's environment the moment he falls asleep is identical to the environment he will experience at 2am. So basically if you don't want to have to be in the room at 2am getting him to sleep, dont be in the room when he first falls asleep in the evening either.

It's not really a "cry-it-out" method because you can go in the room and comfort them as frequently as you want (we did every 5 minutes with Lilia, every 3 with Evan because we started him younger). You just can't help them go to sleep. You also don't worry at all about night wakings -- you can nurse them down, pat them, sing to them, whatever it takes to get them back to sleep. We found that a lot less stressful than the idea of letting them cry in the middle of the night!

This method worked like magic for us. Lilia cried less than she had in months starting the very first night (I think she only cried 20 minutes) and completely stopped crying at sleep times after about 3 days. In the weeks that followed she started asking to go to bed when she was tired. We felt it was a miracle.

We've used the same method with Evan (she recommends starting between 6 weeks and 3 months) and it has worked well with him also.

That's an experiment of 2, which is not a very large control group. But there, our experience is out there in case anyone else can use it. Hope it helps someone.

Snapshot of Today

2010-10-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

Some days we wake up and Lilia is older. Folks with no kids may argue that they get a tiny bit older every night, but as near as I can tell that's a lie.

Because this morning Lilia was much older. Jeff and I both noticed it. She looks bigger and she just seems older today. Examples:

Her words for "Grandma" and "Mama" both sounded exactly the same until today. Today she looked at my phone and said, "Gramma."
She put on her own shoes today!
I said, "Shall we give Evan some tummy time now?" and she said, "Yup." She proceeded to go get his little play mat and set it up on the floor.
I asked if she wanted to give her dolly some tummy time and she said yes. I put her dolly on the mat and she said, "nigh nigh." I asked if she wanted to sing to her dolly and she did! "I Nee" ("I Need Thee Every Hour"). That was the first time!
She built a tower with her duplo blocks. Usually she just takes them out and/or dumps them on the floor.

It's shocking how fast all of this is going.

Evan's doing it too. I was convinced this was way too early for his personality to come out, that this was tons earlier than Lilia. He's doing so much smiling and cooing and all of that, I was sure it was too early. But I looked back at Lilia's pics and she was about the same. The truth is that the time has just gone by tons faster.

I still love watching them together, though. She leans down and kisses him probably 15 times a day. She'll say, "Evan! Kisses!" That means, "I have kisses for Evan." She also reaches out her arms to him and says, "Hode!" which means "May I hold him please?" He just stares at her and tries to talk when she holds him, and he smiles like crazy, and he tries to kiss her back.

I Could Be a Motivational Speaker

2010-10-11T11:09:00.001-07:00

I've always hoped for my life to be shaped into 3 callings: first being a music teacher, then being a stay-at-home-mom and finally being a marriage and family therapist.

The first one happened already, the second one is happening now. Great, right? The problem has been that I haven't been able to see how to get to the third one from here.

Because my philosophy of how marriages and families work is basically 100% shaped by my faith, I have always really wanted to go to a Christian university or seminary to earn my degree. That's the part that presents a problem because the best schools for that (including my dream school, Fuller) are located in Southern California and we don't want to disrupt our family by moving there. So this dream of mine has been on hold and I've wondered whether I'll ever achieve it.

A few weeks ago Jeff and I went to a (wonderful!) meeting for Christians for Biblical Equality that was held at Fuller Seminary's Southwest campus. We had a great time listening to a fabulous speaker, but for me the most life-changing moment of the evening happened after she was done.

Fuller Southwest's admissions counselor overheard me and told me that they are hoping to have their MFT program at this campus in 2 years! Can you believe it? Please jump up and down with me!

The weird thing is that now that several logistical obstacles look like they will be cleared out of the way, I've discovered an internal obstacle that I didn't expect. It's like this invisible line in my head that delineates my capacity for success.

Apparently becoming a marriage and family therapist is above that line.

It's a strange obstacle to overcome but I've been working on visualization. I'm not a big believer in supernatural powers associated with visualization so I've never given it much thought. Now, however, I can see that I have to know where I'm going. God is calling me to this and I've known it for years, so I need to "own" that calling.

So I picture myself in classes, soaking up lectures. I picture a degree on my wall. I picture myself walking with a couple through a crisis in their marriage. I pray through all of it and hear God reassuring me that I am the Beloved and this is my calling.

And the picture is getting clearer. Again, jump up and down with me!

Prayers for My Children

2010-10-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

Borrowing children from God is a huge responsibility. Little immortal seedlings entrusted to your care really make you think about what's important. I wrote about what I wanted for Lilia before she was born but now I think about it, in some form, every day. What do I want for my kids?

When I pray for them at night, I pray that God will pursue them relentlessly for the rest of their lives so that His grace will be behind every door and around every corner no matter where they go or what they do. I pray that we can create a home that is founded in His grace. I pray that they put their whole lives in His hands, that they marry the right person or stay single according to His calling, and that they live a life that is truly their calling, the purpose that they are created for.

I've been reminded a lot lately that there are no guarantees about how long we will have them or what we can do for them. But there are two guarantees that give me a lot of peace: First, there us a God who loves my kids more than I do, and second He listens to our prayers.

I am filled with gratitude.

Shoosh!

2010-10-04T21:23:00.000-07:00

First, I thought I should memorialize the fact that I put Lilia's hair in pigtails today. I don't believe I've ever successfully done that before. How did the pigtail pictures come about, then? Daddy. His patience appears to be endless.

In fairness, I have been pregnant since Lilia has been in the pigtail stage, and I have even less patience pregnant than I have normally. So maybe I'll keep doing them, now that I'm not pregnant anymore.

But the main thing I want to memorialize is that Lilia "lost" her hair today. I put it in pigtails and was quite proud of myself, and she ran her hand up to where her hair usually is.

She started tearing up immediately, with this shocked and sad look on her little face, and said, "SHOOSH!" which is her word for hair. (No, we have NO idea where that came from!) I reassured her that she still had hair but she remained pretty nervous about the whole thing until we Skyped Grandma and she saw it in the picture.

Then she felt pretty cute in her pigtails.

Last thing: She now has a word for, and regularly requests, "Skype."

I love our kids so much!

Before I Forget!

2010-10-03T08:58:00.000-07:00

As I write this, my babies are 20 months and 2 months. I can hardly believe it.

When I imagine their future as 5-year-olds, 15-year-olds, 30-year-olds, the picture is misty and vague. But I know that when those days are real it will be this one that seems misty and vague.

So here are a few more things I *love* about today.

Evan's pout is the CUTEST pouty face I've ever seen. You can see the worry start to creep over his tiny little face. His brow starts to furrow, and he looks at you pleadingly, and the corners of his mouth turn down perfectly. Perfectly.
Lilia adores computers and has made up her own word and sign for them. We can't figure out where it came from, but computer is "Boku" and for the sign she puts both hands under her chin and wiggles her fingers.
Every time Lilia says Evan's name she says it with complete delight. "Evan!" Literally every time.
Until this morning when she said eggs it sounded like "ice." Today, though, it was correct. I grieved a little bit.
More of my favorite Lilia words: "holp" = help, "efont" = elephant, "Baba" = Grandpa, "Aca" = Erica (auntie), "Baboo" = Badger (uncle)
Evan looks dead serious when you burp him. Like, "I have a job to do here, and I'm going to do it." But in between he tries to cuddle us.

There's so much more, but this is enough for today. Thanks for indulging me!

Beloved, Part 2

2010-10-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight I took a walk. I love walking. I think when I walk, I connect with people when I walk (either in person or on the phone), I pray when I walk. Early in our marriage we used to joke that one of Jeff's chores was to "walk the wife." Seriously. I go nuts if I don't walk on a regular basis.

So tonight, after a very long afternoon, Jeff graciously took both babies and I got to go on a walk and clear my head.

I heard that Voice so clearly tonight that I wished I could just curl up inside it. You are The Beloved. You are The Beloved. I thought of ways to improve myself: losing weight, buying nicer clothes, getting a haircut, planning my days better, etc., etc. I prayed about it. You are The Beloved. I made goals in my head and thought about writing them on posters on my wall. Prayed again. You are the Beloved.

Finally I had a moment of clarity and I heard a challenge in my head: Can you entertain the possibility, for a minute, that God adores you? That He wants good things for you, loves you just the way you are, is proud of you?

I thought of the way I feel when I look at my kids. I just want to infuse love into them. My greatest fear would be that they grow up unaware of how loved they are! I tell them at least a hundred times a day that I love them. I hold them, kiss them, play with them, sing with them, stare into their eyes, anything to convey to them how loved they are.

What if God is the same way with us? Whispered I love yous around every corner, hugs and kisses every day, a deep desire to convey how loved we are.

I am The Beloved! You are The Beloved! Did you hear the Voice today?

A Few of My Favorite Things

2010-09-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

--Lilia's words: Moomie = smoothie or movie, Nugoo = snuggle, Yup/Nope = Yes/No, Yupoo/Nopoo = YES/NO!, Inee = "I Need Thee Every Hour", Daippity = Diaper

--Evan gets these HUGE flash smiles after he eats, like "Ah, that was good."

--Lilia gets up on the couch and looks out the window to find Dada when she knows he's coming home from work.

--Everyone under 10 is "baby," everyone with salt-and-pepper hair and/or glasses is "Baba!" or "Mama" (Grandma) and everyone with white hair is "PapapapapaMeme!"

Beloved

2010-09-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

"Let me start by telling you that many of the people that I live with hear voices that tell them that they are no good, that they are a problem, that they are a burden, that they are a failure. They hear a voice that keeps saying, 'If you want to be loved, you had better prove that you are worth loving. You must show it.'
But what I would like to say is that the spiritual life is a life in which you gradually learn to listen to a voice that says something else, that says, 'You are the beloved and on you my favor rests.'"
--Henri Nouwen

Jeff and I read an article by Henri Nouwen as a part of a class at our church a few months ago and I have never forgotten it. In the article he said that spiritual disciplines just boil down to making space to hear God's voice telling you that you are the beloved. Sounds so wonderful to bask in the glow of God's love like that, doesn't it?

You would think that would be easier than it is.

This week, I'm sorry to report, hasn't been all about basking. In addition to the glorious moments spent hearing God's voice calling me "Beloved," I've spent a lot of moments hearing voices that call me, "Exhausted," "Utilitarian," and (at my worst), "Worthless." Those voices can become such a spiral because when I feel worthless and that my only value is in what I do (as in, "Just shut up and make dinner."), I don't make room for the most important voice.

It's a loving whisper amid the demanding shouts of, "Prove that you are worth it."

But this morning, I heard it.

Evan Isaiah

2010-09-19T15:39:00.001-07:00

I look at this picture, and I still just can't believe you're mine. And I think I should've written this post earlier because you've already taught me so much that I don't even know where to begin.

You were a blessing from the very first moment. We had just lost a baby and we were so sad, but we prayed and our friends and family prayed and God gave us you!

When we were looking for names for you, I remember telling Daddy that what I really wanted was a name that would reflect the great flood of blessings we have had in our life together. Somehow I wanted to show that you were the fulfillment of a beautiful movement of God in our lives. First he brought us to Himself, then to each other. Then He gave us a life and a marriage better than either of us had imagined or ever thought we deserved. Then He gave us Lilia, and we knew in our hearts that there was another blessing He had for us. That blessing was you, Evan Isaiah. And our hearts have overflowed!

Evan means, "God's grace" and Isaiah means, "the Lord helps me."

You have taught me so much about grace and about God's help. I remember being so scared of labor and delivery, scared that I wouldn't be up for the challenge of two babies, scared that I would be too tired, scared that you would have trouble nursing, scared of what the future might hold in every new way.

But you brought with you a whole new movement of God's grace, like a breeze from Heaven, for me. (That part reminded me so much of what your father has brought to my life!) My pregnancy with you was much easier than I thought, the birth was much easier than I thought, you were a great eater from the beginning and you were a great sleeper from the beginning! Silly Mommy for worrying so much, right?

I learned to breathe, pray, take one day at a time. I learned to have faith in God, faith in Daddy, and faith in our family. I learned that almost nothing is as bad as I thought.

And I learned to take time to revel in the glow of all the relationships in our little family. I relish my snuggles with you, and Daddy's too. But I adore the relationship you are building with Lilia. You already love each other so much.

Whenever you cry, Lilia says, "Uh oh! Crying! Baby! Sad! Binky!" If you're crying in your swing she will go to the swing, carefully put your binky back in your mouth, and then give you a little push to get the swing started. When you're happy, she stretches her arms out to you and says, "Hold! Evan!" She loves you so much, and you have big smiles reserved just for her.

We thank God every day for our family, and we can't imagine it without you in it. I love you so much, Son, and every time I look at you I know I have more than I ever thought possible.

Pearls and Swine and Who I Really Am

2010-09-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. Or a long while. What gives?

I've taken a bit of time off to think about what I put "out there." In general I'm a completely open book. (I would be terrible in politics!) But I never really thought about the negative side of my openness until it was brought to my attention via my least favorite way to learn: pain. I put some things out there, someone judged me, my feelings were hurt.

But I love blogging. It keeps me writing. It keeps me thinking. It provides a fabulous record of my kids' babyhood at a time when writing in a baby book can seem overwhelming.

So, as my dear friend Charity reminds me on a regular basis, "What other people think of you is none of your business."

I shall blog on. I have many beautiful blessings to share!

Musings of a First-Time Mom

2010-04-07T19:20:00.000-07:00

I spoke to someone who asked a lot of questions tonight about becoming a parent. I find that when I'm honest about it, it sounds kind of scary. Which is sad and halfway inaccurate, but it's so hard to describe parenting accurately!

This person, who is planning to become a parent at some point if I don't inadvertently talk her out of it, asked hard questions and got honest answers. It's scary to speak truth about parenting because it's like walking onto a mine field: you're allowed to say it's hard but you're not really allowed to give specifics without inviting judgment from all sides. And you have to immediately get misty-eyed and say how it's all worth it.

I thought of posting my honest answers here, for instance, but I've already been burned in the past by people reading my blog entries and imagining that they know me or my life better than they do. So I'm just going to tell you what I want to say to new moms in general. What advice would I give? Well, it's not logistical. I won't say breastfeeding or babywearing or getting them on a schedule or teaching them sign language.

Here's what I will say:

Do whatever it takes to avoid judging yourself or being around others who judge you. There is nothing more difficult than dealing with judgment in addition to lack of sleep and everything else, so if you catch a look of contempt or superiority from a mommy friend every time you give your baby formula (or nurse in public, or talk "baby talk" to your baby, or whatever you're doing!), lose the friend and find some people who can let stuff go. Everybody does things differently and most of our babies do just fine. If you love your baby and are doing your very best, that's all you can ask for!
Take care of your body and your marriage. You need sleep and good food, and you need to continue to nurture your marriage. No matter what. Prioritize these things. BTW, sometimes taking care of your marriage means making waves, telling your spouse that something isn't working for you, etc. Resentment is a cancer that will take your marriage. Better to rock the boat with a little honesty than sink it with years of built up resentment!
Don't miss it! Every phase with an infant goes so fast. Be present and healthy enough to experience it with your baby.

Hope these things help some new mom out there somewhere! I wish I had known them a little better when I started this journey, but I'm getting my "sea legs" now and loving it!

Easter

2010-04-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

Haven't had much time to blog lately with tons of wonderful company, but I thought I should at least post a few pics of Easter! It was such a blessing to have my parents here for Easter. So fun to see their relationship with Lilia build. They have all kinds of fun together! And this year we started what is certain to become a family tradition -- the egg hunt at Schnepf Farms. Such a great experience!

Other fun stuff: Lilia is having a "communication explosion." She is saying and signing things we've never seen her do before! It's so wonderful to see her delight when she asks for something and gets it -- the joy of communication! She's saying and signing up, down, grandpa, tree, leaf, "Baby Signing Time," banana, eat, milk, water, thank you, and many more things. It's really a blast.

Bibliophily and Illness

2010-03-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

I come from a family of book lovers. We read often, quickly, out loud, everything. We recommend books to each other (although we each have distinct taste, it overlaps) and passionately discuss them. If you get either one of my parents to talk for any length of time about education you will discover that they are big believers in self-educating and I'll bet a lot of money that the words, "Just read books!" will escape their lips at least once.

My family of origin has also always been really... dorky and embarrassing in a lot of ways (please, nobody find any pictures from the 80's or 90's!) but I was never, ever ashamed of our book habit. Nothing in me has ever thought, "I just wish my family didn't read so much!" I love it. And, especially in the years since Jeff and I killed our TV, I carry on the family tradition with gusto. And my influence is spreading. Jeff is reading Harry Potter and many, many days Lilia wakes up signing "book" and saying, "BUH! BUH!!!" over and over until we give her one or read her one or both. Mwahahahaha.

Poor little Miss Lilia has been a little under the weather for most of the week, and I have hated to watch her not feel good. But imagine my joy when her relaxation of choice was to sit with Mommy and read a book! She got her own little spot and her own little book and seriously and very quietly turned the pages, just like me. Oh Lord, please let me bottle just a little bit of this and keep it forever!

For books I love and can't get enough of myself, please see the list to the right of the blog.

Balance

2010-03-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

Balance is a big thing for a lot of people. For parents of small children, I think it's one of the most important things in the world. And one of the hardest.

We're constantly balancing: nutrition, budget, personal care, fun, sleep, routines, the list goes on and on. Mostly I think what we're doing is trying to be sure that every member of our family is healthy and cared for -- spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. Before you have children, a lot of building your family consists of learning to recognize and care for your own needs and your spouse's needs. But when children come, the balancing act begins! Everyone needs sleep, everyone needs fun, everyone needs independent time and interaction and good food and a prayer life and exercise. Everyone needs to feel loved and cared for. The kids are important, the parents are important, the marriage is important.

We've found that the vast majority of parenting advice/literature falls into two categories: ignoring the children's needs in favor of the parents or ignoring the parents' needs in favor of the children! It's hard out there for a family that wants to walk a middle ground and recognize that everyone is important.

This last month has been difficult in terms of balance, and we kind of hit bottom before we started to change our ways. We've been struggling to get ready for baby #2 while balancing the needs of baby #1, a pregnant mommy, and a daddy who is having to take up a lot of slack at home while holding down a job with 10-hour shifts. Here are a few things that are working for us right now:

Putting first things (literally) first. I've been doing whatever it takes to start my day by eating a good breakfast, reading my Bible and putting Pandora worship on first thing in the morning. Changing my life.
Talking. Jeff and I frequently ask each other, "How are you doing? What do you need right now?" and even, "What can I do that will make you feel loved?" It helps so much to stay on the same page and feel like real partners.
Setting aside time to do nothing. Doing nothing was really missing in our lives. We were constantly going. It almost killed us. Now rather than waiting until everything is finished in order to relax, we're just setting aside time without everything being done. Because it will never all be done!
Changing scenery. We've found a little money here and there to go grab dinner as a family at Costco, or just time to leave the house for a while. It's really nice.
Investing in long-term time savings. This is a hard thing to fit in and I'm not sure we've got it right, but we've been thinking of ways to simplify things longer term. Getting an in-house water filtration system so we don't have to keep going to buy water at the store, cooking for the freezer in large quantities so we don't have to make dinner every night, organizing things so they're easier to get to, use, put away properly.

What's working for you? Let's share ideas! Here's to balancing and nurturing everyone in our families!

Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Valentine's Day. I wish I could say that I hate Valentine's Day so I don't care that we don't get to be together, but I love Valentine's Day! I'm really sad that I can't be with my beloved hubbie today, but I'm so proud of him that he's doing such a great job in his "new" career.

I hate it when people say that they don't like Valentine's Day because you should celebrate your love every day. Of course you should celebrate your love every day, but you should also give thanks every day, appreciate your family every day, etc. and that doesn't stop us from having holidays that celebrate these things! We work very hard to keep our holidays and family events "especially special" and to make traditions in our family that are significant. We believe that traditions are an important part of family life because they provide rhythm and richness to our lives.

Anyway, off my soapbox. Now I just want to say that I can't believe how blessed I am to spend every day with the most amazing person I know, and the only person I could ever imagine myself partnering with to build a life. Sometimes it feels like we're little working ants just slogging away, trying to be faithful and build the life God has for us, but when I step back I really appreciate our situation. Jeff came home recently and said, "What we have is so rare." I couldn't agree more and I appreciate every single day of it.

Thank you, Babe, for the best adventure I could have imagined. I would rather hang out with you than anyone else in the world and I couldn't be happier to build this family with you.

She Walks!

2010-02-08T18:30:00.000-08:00

Lilia has been walking really well holding onto fingers, furniture, etc. for some time now. But, having very unfortunately inherited her mother's overly cautious spirit, she would NOT let go of those fingers for all the tea in China. True to form, however, our friend Jaime was able to get her to let go of the training wheels on Sunday and take a few steps out there on her own! It was lovely to have so many of our adopted Phoenix family members there, but a bummer that Daddy had to work. We're working to get her to walk in front of him now. :)

I can't believe how fast this all goes. This is my little bitty bean, the little darling who used to just stare into my eyes or sleep on my chest and cuddle. And that was pretty much all she did! It's so wonderful to see her personality start to come out and to see her develop and grow. But it's so painful to let go of each one of these precious phases as they go by without me ever being quite ready to loosen my grip. I could bottle this and drink it in for the rest of my life.

One Two Three JUMP

2010-02-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

No, it's not a reference to Lilia. It's a reference to me, actually.

I have decided to start a small business website! I'm so scared to put that in writing, but I'm doing it and I really am excited about the whole thing. It's not going to happen overnight, but I'm working diligently and should be up and running with the basics within a few weeks or a month.

I have found a great company that not only helps you to make a website but also teaches you how to build a business out of it. It gives you great tracks to run on, as well as brainstorming software and TONS of research tools so you can learn how marketable your idea is, how profitable it might be with Google Adsense, how many other web pages compete with it, etc. I am a follow-the-instructions kind of person, so this company is right up my alley!

As I've been researching the options this week I came across something that really affected me and pushed me to "get out there." A woman who trains people to start web pages for profit said, "I understand the fear of losing money. But just the fear that no one will look at your website? You can't have that! You have to fail some if you want to succeed." And I realized that I was really held back by just a fear of failure. Not losing a financial investment or anything similar, but just the fear that I might fail. But somehow her description made me look at failure differently, as a step to success rather than an "alternative ending" to a successful story.

I could probably use that thinking in a lot of areas of my life.

ONE

2010-02-01T15:38:00.000-08:00

I can't believe that you're a whole year old. I regularly ask you who told you you could grow up this fast, but you just giggle at me.

There are so many, many things I love about you. I love your chubby baby legs and your perfect feet and toes, I love your now-curly strawberry blonde hair, I love the excited way you say, "Daddy!" when you first see him in the morning, I love your little baby kisses and how you play peek-a-boo with anything we give you that's like a blanket.

I hope that I can always remember your smiles and giggles from this year. You are the most open-hearted person I know. You are happy to be fast friends with anyone, playing and smiling and giggling. (Unless you're in the church nursery.)

You play slowly and carefully with your toys. It's like you're examining fine art. You turn them around, you put them in your mouth, you shake them and bang them together to make music. You LOVE music. You will make anything a musical instrument! This afternoon I listened to you singing in your crib when you woke up from your nap. I was just listening in the monitor and enjoying every minute of your little song.

You walk really well, but you're very cautious and won't let go of at least one finger when you're doing it. But practicing walking is probably your favorite thing to do right now. You got a Radio Flyer push toy for Christmas and you've spent many evenings just pushing it back and forth across the living room over and over again.

You also love animals. Your first word was "dog" and you signed it at the same time! It was right when we were getting up in the morning and you were really excited to see our dog Rosco first thing. You signed it and said it over and over again with a great big smile on your face.

I think my favorite thing to watch this year has been your relationship with your dad. You are so crazy about each other! It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever been privileged to witness. I know some daddies don't like to put little girl outfits together or do day-to-day life with their babies, but not your daddy! He knows all of your routines and when you need milk and when you need dinner and when you need a nap, he changes your diaper (and washes them sometimes!) and gives you baths and reads you stories and sits on the floor to play with you. He even lets you ride on his back in the Ergo when he's cooking sometimes, which you love. Do you know why he does all of those things? Because he's crazy about you! And you're crazy about him too. Most babies go through a long time where they only want their mamas, but I think you only did that for one week of this whole year. You love being with either of us, and your favorite thing is when all three of us are together playing.

I don't know if you'll ever know what a blessing you've been to Daddy and me, or how much we love you, even though we tell you every single day. I just can't imagine our family without you in it.

If they lined up all the one-year-olds in all the world, I would choose you every time. Because you are my favorite one-year-old. I love you because you're mine.

Marriage Mysteries

2010-01-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently sent me a very interesting review from the New Yorker about Elizabeth Gilbert's (Eat, Pray Love) new memoir, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. It was a lot to chew on and this blog has been rolling around in my head since I read it.

Marriage is a tough issue for someone like me, who often walks a narrow way between various party lines. I'm an egalitarian, a Christian, a thinker, a hopeless romantic, an independent woman, a stay-at-home mom. Things like marriage can be difficult to reconcile because, although I want desperately to believe in it, marriage has a lot of strikes against it. The article I referenced does a great job of outlining them: First there's its less-than-romantic history as a business deal along the lines of the slave trade. Then there's the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance." That's the worst part for me. Here's a quote from Gilbert's book included in the article:

Married men live longer than single men; . . . married men accumulate more wealth than single men; married men are far less likely to die a violent death than single men; married men report themselves to be much happier than single men; and married men suffer less from alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression than do single men.

And a summary of the female side of the equation:

Yet married women are more likely to suffer from depression than single women are. According to Gilbert, married women are not as successful in their careers as single women. Married women are arguably less healthy than single women. Married women, until recently, were more likely to die a violent death than single women—usually, at the hands of their own husbands.

Well, that's cheery for us married girls. Less happy, less successful, more likely to be depressed, less healthy, more likely to be murdered....

Is there any hope for the institution of marriage? I believe there is. I think the crux of the issue is when and how you think marriage began. Is it, in fact "a relic from a time when we needed an arrangement to manage property and reproduction and, crucially, to establish kinships for purposes of defense: safety in numbers."? I believe the history of marriage is older and richer than that. And I believe that it predates sexism. I believe marriage is as old as humanity, was intended to reflect God Himself, and has become as corrupt as all of humankind.

It is error both on the side of feminists and traditionalists to believe that marriage is intended to make women less and men more. I feel strongly that God intended marriage to be freeing, mysterious and even humbling to both parties involved. In my study of the subject I have come to discover that God meant marriage to overcome our desire to control one another, and instead to learn to inspire one another, support one another, lift each other up and even serve one another. I've often heard the argument that "every ship has to have a captain," but I believe marriage was intended to prove that idea wrong in itself -- to help us understand that we don't have to be the captain of the ship! That every game need not have a winner and a loser, but that we can raise each other up to great heights when we let go of our need to be in charge of each other, or to know who has the final say.

I was speaking with my sister, who is getting married this year, about losing your trump card. You give a person a lot of power in your life when you relinquish the power to leave them and choose another. And I agree wholeheartedly that that power is often abused to the detriment of women. But it can also be the beginning of something beautiful: of loving someone because you want to, and not out of fear that they will leave or choose someone else.

My own marriage has been one of the most profound learning experiences of my life. As Jeff and I have come to enter each other's private worlds as no one has before, we have discovered a depth of trust that we've never achieved with anyone else. No one has ever been on my side the way Jeff is. He loves me and challenges me and inspires me and serves me even when he has nothing to gain at all, not even under the threat of losing me. It's a profound love that walks through the mundane with a person day after day. And if we never learn to walk beside each other without "taking charge," we miss the entire point.

What Are You Doing?

2010-01-16T19:04:00.000-08:00

I've recently been reminded of an interview I saw years ago. It was before I had Lilia, but it has a major impact on me as a mother. The interview was with Maria Shriver and she was talking about her parents. She talked about how her father, Sargent Shriver, had asked all his children frequently, "What are you doing?" By that he meant, "What are you doing for the world? How are you improving it?" And he took that quite seriously, making great strides in all kinds of charities. His wife, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, had a deep and lasting impact in the world on behalf of disabled people and others. Maria recalled that Eunice would put pictures on the wall of children who were disabled so that her own children would think about them often and think of ways to help them. She also served cereal for dinner each Thursday night and explained to her children that she was sending the money they saved to those less fortunate than themselves.

Now that is doing something! Changing the world as a person and inspiring your children as a parent at the same time. What a wonderful example.

Lately I've been seeing nothing but pictures of Haiti on news websites and reading stories of those who have been impacted by their earthquake. I can't get the voice out of my head that says, "What are you doing?"

A Successful Trip!

2010-01-15T19:57:00.001-08:00

We just got back from a road trip to California that was far more successful than it had any right to be. I was a little worried, to be honest, because the last time we went was pretty rough. Lilia was just NOT up for it and basically clung to me the entire time. But this time she was great! She spent her time entertaining everyone and just generally enjoying all the attention. We stayed with Jeff's folks and also got to see about a million friends and family members.

Kudos to my mom for being the first to actually upload her photos so I'll start with those! Hopefully I'll get mine done soon and also get the ones from other family members. A good time was had by all.

Love this one of Meme and Lilia!!!!

Lilia had an early first birthday party with my side, shared with Grandpa Brooks. Not his first birthday.... :)
Loving cake.

Daddy cleaning her up after cake. I love this one! As usual, she got it in her hair.

I can't believe she's almost a year old. We are so blessed by her every single day. I just pray, "Lord let me be an arrow that points my kids right to Your grace and love."

Chores and Other Challenges

2010-01-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Today was a really hard day for me. First, I wanted to get things done which, to be honest, is never a good way for me to start my day. If I get things done then great, but on Jeff's work days it's better for me to just focus on being a parent and taking care of myself and Lilia. Making a to-do list is setting myself up for failure!

Anyway, I had one of those days where everything is difficult and nothing goes as planned and I'm tired and frustrated. But the great news is that I called a friend and was able to talk it all out and felt much better about all of it.

Now I have to pack for our big road trip on Wednesday! Thank God Jeff's home tomorrow.

Mom Encouragement

2010-01-03T19:41:00.000-08:00

Some things about being a mom I knew about before. Some I sort of guessed. And some I did not see coming.

One thing that falls into that last category is the lack of respect from the culture as a whole for parents, and especially mothers, and the work they do. It comes out in lots of ways but the big two that I see are minimizing the work of stay-at-home parents (are you just a stay-at-home parent? Don't you have a degree or a profession? Don't you want to get out of the house? etc.) and criticizing other people's parenting choices or styles (What are you feeding him???? Don't you have her on a schedule yet? You are a slave to that schedule, lighten up! You stopped nursing? You don't hold him enough! You hold him too much, he'll be spoiled....).

So in the end it's very easy for a new mom to get a one-two punch of a message that can take the wind out of her sails in two seconds flat: What you do is totally unimportant, and you're doing it wrong. How's that for validation and encouragement in the most difficult and important job you'll ever do in your life?

So many moms just need someone to say Wow, you're doing a great job and changing your child's life forever. Thank you! So here I go.

I know of few professions that require so many separate skills and tasks from one person as being a stay-at-home parent. You need to become an expert in nutrition, psychology, education and time-management, to name a few. It's not a no-brainer!
Being a parent is more physically taxing than any job I've ever had. There are no sick days or vacation time, and you can't go into a room by yourself or slow down when you're having a bad day. You have to do this important work at your best and your worst.
The greatest necessity in most careers is skill. You learn how to drill or make certain decisions or whatever you do. But to be a parent the greatest necessity is character. You must show your child an example every day, again no matter how you feel on that given day, and you must love them with your actions all the time. Character is much, much harder to develop than skill.
Most jobs have at least a few "quick wins." You get a review or a raise, complete a project, etc., and you feel great. Parenting has nearly none. You invest, and invest, and invest. And then later on you see how you did. It's like a 20-year project!
Study after study shows that no matter how we complain about the influence of poor schools, peer pressure and television there is no one in the world who impacts a child more than his/her parents. Children who age out of foster care (who have no parents or whose parents are too dysfunctional to raise them) are significantly less likely to graduate from high school and college and significantly more likely to need public assistance, have children outside of marriage, have marital problems, commit crimes, be victims of crimes, live in poverty and have mental health problems. That is the difference a parent makes.

I'll have more to say on this in another post, I'm sure. But for now let me say to all the parents out there that what you do is exceedingly important. You may not know how important for years, but you are building something to really last. Thank you.

What I Don't Want to Forget

2010-01-02T18:50:00.000-08:00

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The other night I was sitting with Lilia on the little love seat in her room, snuggled up and reading her a story. As I read it I was running my fingers through her hair. I felt a sudden rush that was equal parts gratitude and grief as it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of those moments in life that sneaks up on you and changes your soul a little. An everyday moment that is suddenly life changing. Soon she will have big-girl hair rather than the silky, spun gold that she has now and I think I might grieve her baby hair for the rest of my life.

Her hair is perfect. I mean, really perfect. It's flawlessly soft and smooth and there are at least three colors in it, which change in sunlight. Last week our pastor was admiring her and said, "Oh look, her hair has some strawberry blonde in it! Does she get that from you?" Well I died. I think it was the first time anyone has ever asked if she gets anything from me (The majority of her perfection comes from her amazing father), and it was her hair! Her beautiful hair that I am tempted to worship almost as much as I am her toes.

Tonight it occurs to me that there are pictures I can't take because they aren't sights, they're feelings. And I'm driven to write them down.

Each day and night we start her bedtime and naptime routines by literally saying goodnight to every living thing in our house. That means Mommy, Daddy, fishies, doggie, kitty, and occasionally calling Grandma. Lilia sits contentedly on my (or Daddy's) hip and carefully opens and closes her hand to waive goodnight. And she says "nigh nigh" in a sweet soft voice over and over again.
The worst thing you can do to Lilia is somehow give her the impression you're going to pick her up and then walk away from her instead. Of course we never do this on purpose, but if you forget the bottle or the doorbell rings or you were actually walking to the thing next to her, prepare to feel major pangs of regret. Her little broken heart spreads to her face in the form of the most tragic and beautiful expression you can imagine. Et tu, brute? It melts us every time.
When she wants to communicate but can't tell you, she purses her little lips, opens her eyes as widely as she can and makes a very insistent, drawn out cross between a grunt and a hum. Sort of the way an adult would purposefully clear her throat to imply something that wasn't said.
She is becoming far too busy and important to be held in our laps on the couch for any period of time now. When we try to snuggle her she very discreetly finds one of our fingers with each hand and then arches her back and squirms until she's standing on the floor with our help. This leaves her in the perfect position for her favorite activity: walking with Mommy or Daddy! She beams with pride as she tromps all over the house.

There are so many more that I will have to do these posts regularly. Again I'm reminded that we are so, so, so blessed.

Pearls

2009-12-28T19:04:00.001-08:00

Our Christmas was simple and beautiful, just the three of us at home. We've hosted people for several years, so we missed that but it was also nice to just have it quiet with no real plan.

It was wonderful to have Lilia's first Christmas and I think I'll write another post about that, but the thing that floored me this Christmas was that Jeff, on our very modest budget, was able to procure my dream gift -- a string of real pearls!

A nice way to say it would be that I like classic things. Maybe less flattering would be what my friends say -- that I just want to be an old lady inside. Could be true.... But I love pearls. And more than that, I love these pearls. I don't like the kind of pearls that are the same size the whole way around the necklace (maybe I'm too short or pudgy for those?), I don't like perfectly white pearls, I could go on and on about the ways I'm picky about pearls. But I love these pearls. My pearls. He had some help from some very good elves, but the fact that my loving husband got pearls for me for Christmas is something I shall treasure forever. So far I've worn them every day (returning them carefully to their little box at night) and as of right now I intend to continue doing so for the rest of my life.

Our life just feels like a string of pearls right now and I am loving every minute of it. Almost.

I Blame Talk Radio

2009-12-27T18:52:00.000-08:00

This is a post that's been rattling around in my head for some time. If you just read my blog for the baby/family stuff stop here. :)

I, and most people I know, noticed something ugly happening in the most recent election. Not just among the candidates but among average people. The problem was twofold -- First a closed-mindedness that was like an impenetrable wall, and second a new low of rudeness and vitriol. It didn't just flip on like a light switch (It's been coming for a while) but I have really noticed it recently.

In my own short memory I'm certain that I can recall times that it was easier to have a sensible discussion about politics. When a point was proven, the incorrect party conceded the point. When it was debated it was just that -- debated. There was a certain level of respect for truth and for people who felt differently than you. Now it seems nearly impossible to find that kind of respectful discussion between parties who disagree.

I blame talk radio.

Talk radio has become a world unto itself, passing on incorrect information with such dogma it becomes almost sacrilegious to question it, supporting opinions by the strength of conviction rather than the certainty of evidence. Worst of all, it is a world in which rudeness and disrespect are highly valued and gentle, respectful dialogue is seen as weak or even inherently dishonest.

I remember when Rush Limbaugh was as edgy as it got, coining the degrading term "feminazi" (did he start the trend of calling anyone with whom we disagree a Nazi, or did he just continue it?) and oversimplifying complicated topics to make himself sound like the only reasonable person in America. Then someone wrote a book about him being a "big, fat idiot." Not the best way to raise the level of respect in the dialogue. Now it's gone way past that. People love to watch people who have no tolerance for anyone who sees things differently than they do. Someone in the industry has learned that the more sarcastic and outlandish the character, the more listeners or viewers he/she gains, so it's getting worse all the time. And it's infecting the general public faster than the swine flu. You can almost hear the revered talk show host in a person's mannerisms and dialogue.

I'm one who believes in the power of genuine debate to educate those involved as well as those watching or listening. I thought that was a very American value to hold. We used to pride ourselves on giving everyone a chance to be heard, didn't we?

We have already suffered because of losing sight of this value, and we will suffer more. A person looking for evidence for her own existing opinion rather than real information will always be ignorant, and an ignorant public is a dangerous thing.

So my vote is for everyone to do three things:
1. Seek out genuine information about important issues(I use www.voanews.com, www.factcheck.org and www.politifact.com frequently)
2. Stop listening to talk radio! and
3. Engage in kind and respectful political discussions that use evidence rather than attack as the primary means of communication.

That's where I stand. I feel better now. :)

For Unto Us a Child is Born

2009-12-26T18:53:00.000-08:00

Psalm 81:10
"I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

I'm starting to learn that there are two categories of people at Christmastime: Those who love it and those who hate it. I am so solidly in the former category that it's difficult for me to believe the latter even exists. I have always loved Christmas, but this year was the best Christmas I've ever had.

When we went to our church's Christmas Eve service I was overcome with emotion. Figuratively, I am the one God delivered from Egypt. I had made a real mess of things at one point in my life and was pretty sure it would stay that way. And it could have. He didn't have to ride in and save me from myself, but He did.

That would have been enough.

But as we stood there with our baby and sang Silent Night I was astounded that God didn't stop there. He has given us so very much. We don't take it for granted. We know that what we have is rare and beautiful and I go to sleep every night just counting our many blessings. True love, a stable home, great friends and family, a beautiful baby girl and one on the way, our first house, a wonderful church home, I could go on and on.

2,000 years ago everything changed. A world that had believed God to be silent for too long, unaware or unconcerned with its hardships and tragedies, found Him to be more real and more present than it had ever imagined. What kind of God would walk into that impoverished infancy, persecuted life and tortured death on purpose? The same kind of God who walked into the mire of my life and changed it forever, and then poured blessings on me ever since.

Luke 2:10-14
¹⁰But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ^a]">[a] the Lord. ¹²This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
¹³Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Beautiful and Crazy

2009-12-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

I have so much to say.

Let me start by saying that avoiding a subject I'm excited about is nearly impossible for me, which is why it's been very difficult to blog recently. People who know me know that I'm the worst avoider in the world. If there's something that's hard to talk about or important or whatever, that's the first thing I bring up. What was the topic I was avoiding in my blog? We're having another baby! Baby #2 will join us next summer.

Why avoid that topic? Because last time it was very difficult to go back and tell everyone that I had miscarried. Probably 85% of people were awesome about it, but that 15% who just couldn't understand or offer real sympathy were agonizing for me. It's a very vulnerable place to be, to have someone not understand, or worse or try to minimize (BTW, have a friend who lost a baby and wondering what to say? Look here!) . Of course the silver lining was realizing that the vast majority of our friends and family are totally "safe" to be real with, even when things are not fine. What a gift! But this time we decided to wait a little while and save ourselves the agony of telling the world too early and possibly having to share our grief with big numbers of people.

So we're telling everyone now for two reasons. First, someone we love inadvertently outed us in a Christmas card, not realizing we were waiting to tell. And second, we saw the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound on Tuesday! That means that we are out of the very high risk zone for miscarriage. It was the best Christmas present we could've received!!!

I have so much more to share on this beautiful Christmas day, but I will let this news sink in first.

God is so good to us.

Penance with Pictures

2009-12-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

I didn't blog for the whole month of November? How is that possible??? Well let me bring cute pictures as a peace offering to my faithful readers. :)

The first two are Jeff and Lilia at our fall farm trip to Vertuccio Farms. It was wonderful! She thought she was driving the barrel train, so that was a major highlight. The last two are from our friends who took cute pics of Lilia and her someday-BFF Abby at their house while Mommy and Daddy were on a date. Very cute!

More to share soon.

Domestic Violence

2009-10-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

I went to a great meeting today of the Phoenix chapter of Christians for Biblical Equality. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, they hosted a speaker form the Sojourners Center, which is apparently the biggest domestic violence shelter in the world. I was reminded again of some startling facts about domestic violence. A few things that were brought to mind:

Domestic violence will impact 1 in 4 women in her lifetime.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury for females aged 15-44.
There are nearly never any legal consequences for abusers, even when abuse is reported, because they are often gone by the time the police arrive and, if not, there is nearly never enough evidence to prosecute. If they are prosecuted, it's a misdemeanor. In AZ, three misdemeanors constitutes a felony but no one has been prosecuted under that rule.
When asked if they've experienced domestic violence, nearly all women say no in surveys. But then they say that they've been hit, kicked, demeaned, threatened, etc.
Abuse is never an anger issue. It is a pattern of coercion that uses violence to achieve desired results. Abusers don't "lose control."

All of this reminds me of the need to speak out yet again on this subject. Everyone has a right to feel safe in his/her home. If you're wondering whether you're being abused, this quiz is a great resource to confirm your feelings.

I know as I write this that more than one person reading it is being abused. Please, please talk with someone who can help you. I would be more than happy to talk with you and to help you get whatever resources you need to be in a safe place.

Overflowing

2009-10-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:7

We and our friends have come through several storms lately -- relational, economic, you name it. But through it all, and now mostly on the other side of it, I've just felt such a sense of peace. It does "transcend all understanding," doesn't it? It doesn't make sense. Albert Camus said “In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” I think I'm beginning to see the summer God has put in my soul.
I've thought so much in the last decade about the biblical admonition to build your house on the rock, where storms will not overcome it, and to store your treasure in Heaven, where moths can't destroy it. What rock? What treasure? I think I'm starting to understand. I heard a children's pastor named Jim Sumner preach to children one day about the "meaning of life." He told them that grown-ups are always searching for "the meaning of life" but he was going to save them years of wandering by telling them straight out: the meaning if life is found in relationships. My dad has been known to say that relationships are the only things we can take with us to Heaven.

For me building my treasure where moth and rust cannot destroy means building my life around relationships. And the Rock, on which the house is built, is my relationship with God.

In the last "Anne" book I finished, one of Anne's extremely frivolous friends gets seriously ill and finally dies. On the day she dies she has a conversation with Anne wherein she says that she's afraid to go to Heaven because it will be so different than her life on Earth, and nothing there will be the things that were important to her before death. Anne realizes that her friend is right that Heaven will be very different than her life because this friend has built her entire life around shallow relationships and pretty dresses. Anne vows to live her life so that Heaven will be filled with familiar things that she's already loved.

This is obviously one of those rambling posts that's more for my benefit than for the benefit of the reader, but I suppose what I'm working out while writing it is that nothing can shake Heaven. If I can build my life around what lasts forever, it won't collapse when shaken by things that don't.

Tea Party

2009-10-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

On Saturday I hosted a lovely tea party for myself, Lilia, and 4 of our dearest girlfriends. It was fabulous. The M's even got a special NEW tea set for the occasion from their mother! After we had sipped tea and eaten delicate sandwiches and baked goods we adjourned to the parlor to watch "The Princess Diaries." A fancy time was had by all.

True Love

2009-10-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

I'm reading L. M. Montgomery's "Anne of Green Gables" series and, of course, I'm caught up in the romance of it. I'm also fresh from a little bout of illness (which I think was the flu, but didn't get to develop due to rest and good eating and drinking water!), which served to remind me of the make of the man I married. He is made from the strongest character there is. And our love is made from the strongest bond of friendship there is, but shaped into a romance. I know just exactly how blessed I am every day to be with the person I want to be with most in the world. And to see him reflected in our daughter is beyond what I can describe in words. I am so grateful that I learned, after searching far and wide, that the truest love was to be had right at home. And that love has become my home, a shelter from the storm built on the Rock.

I read this passage today at the end of Anne of Avonlea and it described our love so perfectly that I had to share. Anne has taken her view of love out of classic romantic stories and can't imagine that it could be next to her all the time, but she's starting to see things differently.

It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities. Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a goldenhearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

Gratitude

2009-10-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I are being totally challenged and changed by our new church's "Life's Healing Choices" series. It's the basis for the Celebrate Recovery program and it's essentially a brief overview of recovery based on the Beattitudes, which are the "Blessed are's" in Jesus's Sermon on the Mount.

Todays' devotion was about meekness ("Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth"), and about choosing your reaction to injustice. It's very appropriate in our life right now because a friend is facing some injustice and it's becoming a real challenge to choose our reaction. We still choose to take action on behalf of the oppressed because that's who we want to be, but we can choose love and grace as well. And we can choose gratitude rather than resentment.

The amazing thing is that when I look around, we have so very much to be grateful for. God is taking incredible care of our friend and of us as well. Jeff's job is wonderful and looking like it might get even better, I have the blessing of spending every day impacting our daughter, we own our first home, I can leave the house on a daily basis now if I want, the weather is great right now, we have more friends than we can count, I could go on and on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord!!!

NEWSFLASH *****************

2009-10-12T08:15:00.001-07:00

Doot doot doot doot, doot doot doot doot....

This just in -- Lilia Joy has signed "Doggie" today! This morning, at approximately 7:30 am, in her mother's arms she looked at the dog and signed doggie with a smile on her face. She repeated it several times this morning.

woot.

Beautiful Bow!

2009-10-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life right now that I'm not at liberty to talk about, which always stinks.

So I'm going to talk about this ridiculous, gorgeous blue bow I made for my little pumpkin on Friday. Don't you love it??? It's so classic Hollywood, right? I am not a remotely craft-inclined person, so I was pretty proud. I made an equally ridiculous yellow one. I look forward to making more. I will of course post photos

Rhythms

2009-10-05T06:43:00.000-07:00

I have come to be a big believer in having some regular rhythms in our family's life. I remember a pastor named Ray Johnston saying "The key to your future is hidden in your daily habits." It has proven completely true in my life for sure. It's not what we say we value or even what we think we value that seems to change us in the end, but what we do regularly, almost unconsciously.

I'm keenly aware that I'm shaped by all of these little things. It matters whether I eat breakfast, take a walk, pray, read to my baby, sing. So Jeff and I have decided to take stock again of our daily habits and routines to see whether they line up with what we want for our family.

I'm a big fan of not making sweeping changes to my life very often because they nearly never stick, so in these cases I tend to come away with one thing that I want to change permanently. I'm excited to see what that will be!

Blessings, Part 2

2009-10-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to recognize that God is sovereign when things are going great, isn't it? But it's a little harder when you're dealing with something difficult or unexpected. "He gives and takes away" is a lot easier when He gives.

But in this valley I can't help but remember that God has been so incredibly good to us. We have a lot of great stuff right now -- a house, a new van -- but really the heart of our family is what I'm so grateful for. God holds us so close to Him! We know how blessed we are to be partners in leading this family (we both came close to really messing that up!) and we know how blessed we are to have our incredibly beautiful baby girl. Our life is filled with, and centered around, love. That is rare and we know it. We have deep, real friendships, a beautiful baby and true love. He gives indeed.

Before the miscarriage there were some great pictures I wanted to share of Grandma's visit! It was great to have her and Lilia was over-the-moon excited every day. One of the most fun parts was when we went up to Prescott for a half-day trip. It was great! I had to take a picture of Jeff changing a diaper in the park in front of the court house, and I had to take one of the sewing machine Grandma bought while we were there! We also went to the zoo, so I'll include a few of those as well. :)

Minus One

2009-09-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

I miscarried yesterday. It was really, really sad. I had no idea how sad I would be when it was so early. My wonderful cousin said, "When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she starts to bond with that little baby. It doesn't matter how early." So true.

There's such a depth to the emotion going on inside of me that it seems strange to be able to summarize it by saying that I'm really sad, but that's what it is. Not really all too complicated, just big. And heavy. I don't feel good (it seems so wrong that it should make your body exhausted and achy to lose a baby! It feels like salt in the wound.), I'm tired, and I have waves of this big sadness at random times. Other times I feel completely fine.

Yesterday was a really, really bad day all around. Everyone I know seemed to be grieving some terrible news at the same time! But I was able to go to a friend's house who had lost her job about an hour before my miscarriage (I brought chocolate!), and we just cried together and felt better that we weren't alone.

So, as always, there's a blessing in the storm. I won't say there's a silver lining because nothing can make it okay to lose a baby, but God's whispered love seems to follow me into the valleys, no matter how dark they are. We will leave our life and our family in His hands today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Two Under Two

2009-09-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

So.... There's going to be another baby in our family! Can you believe it? We're very excited! From what I can figure right now I think the due date should be May 31, 2010.

Yes, it was planned, but yes we're also nervous about having two babies at once. We're excited at the thought of them growing up to be best friends, but all that is after diapers and sleepless nights. Anyway, if anybody has two under two and would like to give us advice on getting through the first two years please feel free.

In Case I Forget -- Lilia

2009-09-19T10:33:00.001-07:00

She's alternating "tuh, "thuh" and "duh" sounds (very short -- not like they look in print!) now that she has top teeth. She thinks it's great fun to alternate doing them with Mommy or Daddy
We swear she said "Mama" on purpose this week. Not possible, though, right? Too young? She was very fussy, Jeff was holding her and she looked directly at me with this adorable, pleading look and said, "Mmmmmammmmma!" Jeff and I looked at each other, shocked, and then dismissed it as an accident. Well, fifteen minutes later it happened again, just about exactly the same way. Now I don't know. Shall I choose to believe? ;)
She's trying so very hard to crawl, but as she tries to focus hard on her destination she actually creeps slowly backward so that the harder she tries the farther away she gets from her goal. Does that sensation sound familiar to anyone else?
She now basically stops fussing, no matter the problem, as soon as she sees one of us strapping on the Ergo. I love that thing, Daddy loves it, Lilia loves it. Definitely a winner.
She likes rhyming books a lot. We're big fans of Dr. Seuss. Also Madeline.
She would watch TV like crazy if we let her. I don't know how long her attention span would be because we've never come to the end of it, but it is eerily long.
She studies everything, all the time. Her brain is working hard constantly.
When you first put food in her mouth, she always gets a look of disgust on her face, regardless of the food, even if she likes it. We think it's what she looks like when she's working on chewing.
She's getting way into squeaking now. Especially when nobody's paying attention to her. She's extremely social.

Blessings

2009-09-19T07:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning I decided to start our day by thanking God for all the many blessings in our life -- our wonderful little family, our house we never thought we'd be able to buy, our family and friends outside of our walls, etc. I thanked God for something I've been grateful for for a long time -- that my sister, Erica, has found a place that she finally feels really comfortable and at home. (It's unfortunate that that place is so far away -- Edinburgh! -- but I'm so glad that she's finally happy that I don't care.) I also thanked God that she had found someone wonderful to share that place with. It was so fun to have them to visit and to see how happy they are together.

Well, later that morning I called my parents to check in with all of them (they were all in Yosemite together) and got the news that the happy couple is engaged! So "Uncle Badger" is really going to be Uncle Badger!

We're elated. Congratulations Erica and Adrian!

Up and Down in a Half-Changed World

2009-09-15T10:34:00.000-07:00

Motherhood never ceases to amaze me in how different it is than I thought it would be. From the outside it can seem idyllic, quiet, simple. You see moms out and about looking mostly very happy, you get cute Christmas cards with smiling families on them. And people refer to having a family as "settling down," like a racehorse who goes out to stud -- just chilling out and reproducing from now on. Almost like some version of retirement. Things humming along with children laughing in the background.

Although opportunities of all kinds are open to women now, the view we pass on of parenting is still right out of a black-and-white television sitcom.

My sister told me about this article, which summarizes a study on stress and occupation. Apparently, at-home parents have higher levels of stress than any other profession they studied (including nursing, driving a cab, and trading on the stock market). Well, that's more like it. And I would imagine that parents who are working and parenting at the same time would experience similar levels of stress.

This is a cover-up that doesn't need to be. We need to accept, as a greater society, that parenting is very, very difficult. It is truly more difficult than any job I've ever had. Pretending that it's easy -- almost a leisure pursuit, really -- and part of a "quiet life" does a disservice both to those who are currently parenting and to those who are considering it. Parenting is a big deal. The stakes are high, the days are long, the decisions are critical, the pressure is sometimes overwhelming and the consequences are eternal. It is truly a life's work.

But the other side of this equation is that it has changed me so much more than I expected. It is my Everest. A daily marathon that shows me who I really am and brings me daily to my knees in a very good way. Would I want it to be easy, raising my daughter? While a selfish side of me whines about the difficulty, a very small and much wiser voice deep inside knows that this process is so much better, deeper, fuller than just a leisure pursuit or a shiny ad in a magazine.

I asked the Lord to change me and He sent me a child. I will never be the same.

All the Advice I've Ever Wanted to Give

2009-09-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

I'm in a conundrum because as a new parent I know that one receives wayyyyy too much unrequested advice, but I also do love to share what's worked for me. So instead of giving advice to everyone I know with a baby coming I'm going to attempt to take it all out on my blog. If you don't want advice, please stop reading here.

Develop a very thick skin. Someone told me "There's no way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a good one." That is true, but most people act like there's only one way: their way. If you can't let it go it will make you miserable.
Do what it takes so that you are emotionally available during your child's infancy. Don't try to do so much that you miss this precious stage!
Get a wrap or carrier that works for you and remember to use it. More than once I've had a rough morning with a fussy baby before remembering to wear her. It changes the whole tone of the day! Good for baby, good for parents.
Prioritize your marriage. Do whatever it takes to continue to connect with your spouse. Make time for dates and fun, share dreams, and most importantly be completely honest with each other. Getting through a bit of tension is much better than building resentment long-term, so if you're frustrated say something.
Connect with God. I don't believe that anyone can parent without God's help. And experiencing His grace on a daily basis is the only way I know to live at peace.
Give yourself grace and space. You need sleep. You need a little bit of time to yourself. You need to take a shower. You need the room to screw up every now and again. Leave yourself off the list and you will lose yourself.

Okay, so that's it for now. I'm sure I will give more because I can't keep my mouth shut, but I'll think of it later. :)

An Evangelical Christian Response to Harry Potter

2009-09-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

(If a handful of televised preachers can say that they speak for all of us, why can't I?)

I'm reading the Harry Potter series, again, for the I-don't-know-how-manyeth time. I'm nearing the end of book 5, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As it continues to challenge my faith and light up my imagination in new ways, I'm reminded of the controversy that once unnecessarily surrounded this series and my blood boils once again.

This delightful series was accused of influencing children toward evil, encouraging them to make poor choices and dragging them away from faith in God in favor of faith in magic. It could not have been more misunderstood. The magic is engaging and clever, but that's not what has kept me reading (and re-reading) the series. The characters, who feel like old friends, guide me through scenarios that force me to imagine what I would do if I had to choose, as each one of them eventually must, between what is right and what is easy. I must imagine whether I would choose faith in Dumbledore, who offers reckless second chances to dangerous people, or try to make my own way. Would I use fire to fight fire? Would the end justify the means? Would I save my own skin? Would I follow the authorities into unethical action? You must see that these themes cause people to grow, not shrink, their faith.

As events unfold, characters take every path. Some choose evil, some choose good, some choose denial, some choose power, some choose fear. It's the complexities that make this fictional story so very true.

So I am here to say, as a card-carrying Evangelical Christian, thank you J.K. Rowling. Thank you for Harry and Ron and Hermione and Hagrid and Dumbledore and the Weasleys and Dobby and all of the complicated choices that you've laid bare in such a beautiful way for me and everyone else who reads these books. Each time I read them I leave, not just entertained, but different. And even a little better, I think.

Perfect

2009-09-05T09:25:00.001-07:00

It's a monsoon. Pouring rain, loud thunder, brilliant lightning. And me and my baby all cuddled up under a blanket, with her asleep on my chest.

Dear God, please make it last forever.

Time Flies

2009-09-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe my little baby is over 7 months old and weighs over 18 pounds! Sometimes something happens, some little thing, and I think I hope I remember that forever. I can't believe that this whole complicated little person is in my life. I used to be amazed by thinking about all her little parts, like the size of her smallest bone or everything it took to make her little fingers move. That still blows me away but I think a lot now about her personality -- all the little things that make Lilia who she is.

It's incredible to me that God lets us do this. We, who to put it politely have a long history of mostly screwing things up, get to make and grow and teach whole new little people. Can you believe that? When I think about the weight of it I'm totally awed. She is a person with preferences and ideas and character. She is a soul. I wish I had more words, different words, better words to express my thinking here. Today, at this hour, I understand why people get addicted to having kids. It's like making a comet or a star or a planet or an ocean, only more important. I will not feel this way in the moment that she's waking tonight and needing food and I remember the incredible personal cost involved in this process. But in this moment I feel like I could really get addicted to making people.

She still blows raspberries to communicate. It's one of the few things she can do on purpose "with" us. She does it in turns with us. She's totally delighted by it.

She lights up almost every time we look at her. Just because she loves us. Because we're that important. She really knows that life is about relationships.

She kicks her left foot when she tries to do nearly anything, but particularly when she's eating. It's for emphasis, I think. I really have no idea, but I love it.

She thinks hard about new people. No smiles, usually, for at least 15 minutes. She just stares like she's sizing them up. I would pay big money to know what she's thinking in those moments.

She needs shamelessly. In many ways, I find this to be her most endearing and inspiring trait. She doesn't strive for independence, but rests contentedly in her dependence on us for everything. And she assumes that if we don't give her something she needs we've misunderstood her. Her faith is that pure. Nothing could make me want to move mountains more.

She is such a talker. (I think she gets it from Jeff.) She's loud and expressive and careful in what she says, only nobody can understand yet. She squeaks and squeals too, which is my favorite.

She's starting to think really hard about crawling. She saw one of her friends doing it last week and it definitely sealed the deal in her head -- she wants it bad! But I think there's a bit of a perfectionist in her (also from Jeff, I'm certain....) and she only tries for a little bit before getting so frustrated with herself that she stops altogether. Gonna be a long road, little girl, if you don't have patience for yourself!

All of these things amaze me and I thank God for this job.

Exhaustion, Rest and Strategizing

2009-08-26T20:12:00.000-07:00

First -- Who needs a thesaurus? I do! I do! Count how many times I used the word "crazy" in my last post for bonus points....

Second -- The reason I used "crazy" so many times is that life with an infant is just that. Insane, out-of-hand, daft, delirious, ape, nutty, unbalanced and all the other synonyms I can find via Google. It's also extremely gratifying (delightful, enjoyable, pleasant, pleasing.... oh wait, I've gone too far.). It's so strange to imagine that this person did not exist in the world before and that I am influencing her every day. That she loves me even though she can't tell me yet and that I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone are concepts I haven't begun to grasp. Profound doesn't begin to cover the reality of building a family with someone.

But back to crazy. It is so very easy to lose oneself and one's marriage in the fray when there's a baby involved. You're living from feeding to feeding, diaper to diaper and not sleeping enough. Add to that we've been painting and unpacking and you have a life on the edge of sanity. So you can imagine our glee when my parents offered to take the baby overnight so that we could have a little getaway. It was incredible! First we saw the movie "Julie and Julia" (very good, very us), and then we stayed at the glorious Intercontinental Montelucia Resort for a song off of Hotwire. It was the most romantic, totally luxurious hotel I've ever been to and that 24 hours was like water for our souls. We totally unwound.

We also realized that we need to do a better job of taking care of ourselves on a regular basis. First order of business? Food. No more eating haphazardly. We decided to trade off nights and actually make ourselves a good dinner. That has been lovely. We also decided to have people over every other Sunday for dinner and have a date night on the opposite Sunday. Here's hoping that we can not just survive this period but really drink in every moment of it!

Ragamuffin Loose

Moving and Grooving!

A Scary Post About Motherhood

Happy Mother's Day!

Questions About Motherhood

bin Laden, War and Hell

Milestones and Cuteness

Today

Life Moves Pretty Fast.

Updating

A Few of My Favorite Things

Two Under Two

I Can't Believe I Forgot!

Turning Pages

This is a Blessing

It Matters

Reflections on Life Without TV

And thirty-two

TWO!

Exalted

Redemption

A Learning Home

And More Liliaisms

Surely Goodness and Mercy Will Follow Me

Baby Carrier Reviews

How to Use Your Voice

And a Happy New Year

Merry Christmas!

Good News of Great Joy

My Favorite Mommy Jobs

In Contrast

Fit to be Tied

Why I Love Babywearing

Awoohoo!

How I've Changed

Things Lilia Says Every Day

Crazy

Prescott and Parade

Things I Say Every Day

Bonus post! Before I forget....

Points of Light

They did it again.

It's Not Supposed to Be Like This

Gratitude

The Farm!

The Fair!

Fall, and all that that entails.

***THIS JUST IN***

Mental Picture

Testing

Evan and His Dude, Lilia and Her Songs

It's simpler this way.

Infant Sleep Books: a Review of My Experience

Snapshot of Today

I Could Be a Motivational Speaker

Prayers for My Children

Shoosh!

Before I Forget!

Beloved, Part 2

A Few of My Favorite Things

Beloved

Evan Isaiah

Pearls and Swine and Who I Really Am

Musings of a First-Time Mom

Easter

Bibliophily and Illness

Balance

Valentine's Day

She Walks!

One Two Three JUMP

ONE

Marriage Mysteries

What Are You Doing?

A Successful Trip!

Chores and Other Challenges

Mom Encouragement

What I Don't Want to Forget

Pearls

I Blame Talk Radio

For Unto Us a Child is Born

THIS JUST IN

NEWSFLASH *****************