Transitions, and all that that entails

My mind has been so full that I need to put it "out there." What better place to put it than my secret blog? :)

Pregnancy is incredible. The process of becoming a mother is indescribable. In some ways my experience of pregnancy has been what I've been told about for years -- a million physical changes, some insensitive comments from people, lots of books and classes and decisions, losing sleep, etc. But the internal journey I've been on has been, for the most part, completely unexpected. Here are some of those pleasant surprises:

I have felt a deep and impenetrable peace. Many of my insecurities and fears have simply melted into the background, if they still exist at all. I don't worry much at all about what people think of me, I don't fear failure in small things like I used to, I just feel an overwhelming calm underlying my life. It's the most freeing feeling I've ever had.

I have had to delve into more internal struggles than I've ever had before. I've had to examine fears about motherhood, about my relationship with Jeff, about dreams and plans, everything. One of our values has been to do this "all the way," meaning that we dive in, rather than just sidestepping things that come up. It's wonderful. I've faced things I never thought I would face.

I've developed a solid trust of Jeff at a level we never had before. Pregnancy creates a dependency that I would not ordinarily be remotely comfortable with. I needed Jeff to make this baby, I need him to raise this baby, I need him to help me up and out of bed, I need him to appreciate the changes my body is going through, I need him to reassure me that we will be a team for the rest of our lives, no matter what. Sometimes I need him to be more patient than I deserve, sometimes I need him to help me get my shoes on or give a back rub. Pregnancy has been a trust fall of sorts, and the rewards have been great.

I've had to examine my values and beliefs from a different angle. I think all the time, as most expectant moms probably do, about what I want for my baby. It starts with the testing and worries and hoping for a "healthy baby," but for me it's progressed to asking myself a lot of questions about health and wholeness and what those are. I started out hoping we raise a child who can cook and change a tire, who is good with money and makes a good income, etc. Now I hope we have a child who can readily give and receive forgiveness, who can love deeply, who can identify dangerous relationships, who can accept and give grace, who can experience joy, and especially a child who pursues God with everything.

This is the job. This is the design. I knew I was called to motherhood, but I had no idea that there was a divine plan to make a mother out of me. I'm filled up by this pregnancy, nearly overflowing with gratitude and wonder and a clarity I've never had before.