Grace for Mama

"Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things"

--U2

Yesterday I started to realize I've already got "Mommy guilt" creeping in. It was a little unsettling to notice it for the first time, as I've worked hard to steel myself against all the unsolicited advice and internal nagging. But there they were, little bitty voices whispering Why couldn't you tell what she needed then? You're letting Jeff do too much when he's still working! Are you sure it's okay to put her down now? What would _____ say about this? You have no idea what you're doing! Are you ever going to get back in shape? Is that car still too warm? How can you feel overwhelmed or frustrated when you should be appreciating every minute of this? You forgot _____. And more, and more, and more.

The sermon at our church was on emotional baggage yesterday and there I was, making my own! But I was really struck by the last song we sang together, the chorus of which says, "Your grace is enough."

I have spent the majority of my adult life learning that God has enough grace for me as a person. Enough grace for my inadequacy, enough grace for my bad choices, enough grace for my exhaustion, etc. And also that I am incapable of managing my own life. I need Him to run my life because when I run it myself, I run it right into the ground. (See this post for more on what happens when I try to run my own life.) But His grace has made my life so beautiful.

So now I have to ask myself this question: Do I really believe that God has enough grace for me as a mother? Have I really learned that I can't do it on my own?

Yesterday I kept repeating to myself, "Alyssa, there's enough grace for you." I think I'm going to need to stew on that for a while.