Musings of a First-Time Mom

I spoke to someone who asked a lot of questions tonight about becoming a parent. I find that when I'm honest about it, it sounds kind of scary. Which is sad and halfway inaccurate, but it's so hard to describe parenting accurately!

This person, who is planning to become a parent at some point if I don't inadvertently talk her out of it, asked hard questions and got honest answers. It's scary to speak truth about parenting because it's like walking onto a mine field: you're allowed to say it's hard but you're not really allowed to give specifics without inviting judgment from all sides. And you have to immediately get misty-eyed and say how it's all worth it.

I thought of posting my honest answers here, for instance, but I've already been burned in the past by people reading my blog entries and imagining that they know me or my life better than they do. So I'm just going to tell you what I want to say to new moms in general. What advice would I give? Well, it's not logistical. I won't say breastfeeding or babywearing or getting them on a schedule or teaching them sign language.

Here's what I will say:

• Do whatever it takes to avoid judging yourself or being around others who judge you. There is nothing more difficult than dealing with judgment in addition to lack of sleep and everything else, so if you catch a look of contempt or superiority from a mommy friend every time you give your baby formula (or nurse in public, or talk "baby talk" to your baby, or whatever you're doing!), lose the friend and find some people who can let stuff go. Everybody does things differently and most of our babies do just fine. If you love your baby and are doing your very best, that's all you can ask for!
• Take care of your body and your marriage. You need sleep and good food, and you need to continue to nurture your marriage. No matter what. Prioritize these things. BTW, sometimes taking care of your marriage means making waves, telling your spouse that something isn't working for you, etc. Resentment is a cancer that will take your marriage. Better to rock the boat with a little honesty than sink it with years of built up resentment!
• Don't miss it! Every phase with an infant goes so fast. Be present and healthy enough to experience it with your baby.

Hope these things help some new mom out there somewhere! I wish I had known them a little better when I started this journey, but I'm getting my "sea legs" now and loving it!

Balance

Balance is a big thing for a lot of people. For parents of small children, I think it's one of the most important things in the world. And one of the hardest.

We're constantly balancing: nutrition, budget, personal care, fun, sleep, routines, the list goes on and on. Mostly I think what we're doing is trying to be sure that every member of our family is healthy and cared for -- spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. Before you have children, a lot of building your family consists of learning to recognize and care for your own needs and your spouse's needs. But when children come, the balancing act begins! Everyone needs sleep, everyone needs fun, everyone needs independent time and interaction and good food and a prayer life and exercise. Everyone needs to feel loved and cared for. The kids are important, the parents are important, the marriage is important.

We've found that the vast majority of parenting advice/literature falls into two categories: ignoring the children's needs in favor of the parents or ignoring the parents' needs in favor of the children! It's hard out there for a family that wants to walk a middle ground and recognize that everyone is important.

This last month has been difficult in terms of balance, and we kind of hit bottom before we started to change our ways. We've been struggling to get ready for baby #2 while balancing the needs of baby #1, a pregnant mommy, and a daddy who is having to take up a lot of slack at home while holding down a job with 10-hour shifts. Here are a few things that are working for us right now:

• Putting first things (literally) first. I've been doing whatever it takes to start my day by eating a good breakfast, reading my Bible and putting Pandora worship on first thing in the morning. Changing my life.
• Talking. Jeff and I frequently ask each other, "How are you doing? What do you need right now?" and even, "What can I do that will make you feel loved?" It helps so much to stay on the same page and feel like real partners.
• Setting aside time to do nothing. Doing nothing was really missing in our lives. We were constantly going. It almost killed us. Now rather than waiting until everything is finished in order to relax, we're just setting aside time without everything being done. Because it will never all be done!
• Changing scenery. We've found a little money here and there to go grab dinner as a family at Costco, or just time to leave the house for a while. It's really nice.
• Investing in long-term time savings. This is a hard thing to fit in and I'm not sure we've got it right, but we've been thinking of ways to simplify things longer term. Getting an in-house water filtration system so we don't have to keep going to buy water at the store, cooking for the freezer in large quantities so we don't have to make dinner every night, organizing things so they're easier to get to, use, put away properly.
  

What's working for you? Let's share ideas! Here's to balancing and nurturing everyone in our families!

Mom Encouragement

Some things about being a mom I knew about before. Some I sort of guessed. And some I did not see coming.

One thing that falls into that last category is the lack of respect from the culture as a whole for parents, and especially mothers, and the work they do. It comes out in lots of ways but the big two that I see are minimizing the work of stay-at-home parents (are you just a stay-at-home parent? Don't you have a degree or a profession? Don't you want to get out of the house? etc.) and criticizing other people's parenting choices or styles (What are you feeding him???? Don't you have her on a schedule yet? You are a slave to that schedule, lighten up! You stopped nursing? You don't hold him enough! You hold him too much, he'll be spoiled....).

So in the end it's very easy for a new mom to get a one-two punch of a message that can take the wind out of her sails in two seconds flat: What you do is totally unimportant, and you're doing it wrong. How's that for validation and encouragement in the most difficult and important job you'll ever do in your life?

So many moms just need someone to say Wow, you're doing a great job and changing your child's life forever. Thank you! So here I go.

• I know of few professions that require so many separate skills and tasks from one person as being a stay-at-home parent. You need to become an expert in nutrition, psychology, education and time-management, to name a few. It's not a no-brainer!
  
• Being a parent is more physically taxing than any job I've ever had. There are no sick days or vacation time, and you can't go into a room by yourself or slow down when you're having a bad day. You have to do this important work at your best and your worst.
• The greatest necessity in most careers is skill. You learn how to drill or make certain decisions or whatever you do. But to be a parent the greatest necessity is character. You must show your child an example every day, again no matter how you feel on that given day, and you must love them with your actions all the time. Character is much, much harder to develop than skill.
  
• Most jobs have at least a few "quick wins." You get a review or a raise, complete a project, etc., and you feel great. Parenting has nearly none. You invest, and invest, and invest. And then later on you see how you did. It's like a 20-year project!
• Study after study shows that no matter how we complain about the influence of poor schools, peer pressure and television there is no one in the world who impacts a child more than his/her parents. Children who age out of foster care (who have no parents or whose parents are too dysfunctional to raise them) are significantly less likely to graduate from high school and college and significantly more likely to need public assistance, have children outside of marriage, have marital problems, commit crimes, be victims of crimes, live in poverty and have mental health problems. That is the difference a parent makes.
  

I'll have more to say on this in another post, I'm sure. But for now let me say to all the parents out there that what you do is exceedingly important. You may not know how important for years, but you are building something to really last. Thank you.

Two Under Two

So.... There's going to be another baby in our family! Can you believe it? We're very excited! From what I can figure right now I think the due date should be May 31, 2010.

Yes, it was planned, but yes we're also nervous about having two babies at once. We're excited at the thought of them growing up to be best friends, but all that is after diapers and sleepless nights. Anyway, if anybody has two under two and would like to give us advice on getting through the first two years please feel free.

Up and Down in a Half-Changed World

Motherhood never ceases to amaze me in how different it is than I thought it would be. From the outside it can seem idyllic, quiet, simple. You see moms out and about looking mostly very happy, you get cute Christmas cards with smiling families on them. And people refer to having a family as "settling down," like a racehorse who goes out to stud -- just chilling out and reproducing from now on. Almost like some version of retirement. Things humming along with children laughing in the background.

Although opportunities of all kinds are open to women now, the view we pass on of parenting is still right out of a black-and-white television sitcom.

My sister told me about this article, which summarizes a study on stress and occupation. Apparently, at-home parents have higher levels of stress than any other profession they studied (including nursing, driving a cab, and trading on the stock market). Well, that's more like it. And I would imagine that parents who are working and parenting at the same time would experience similar levels of stress.

This is a cover-up that doesn't need to be. We need to accept, as a greater society, that parenting is very, very difficult. It is truly more difficult than any job I've ever had. Pretending that it's easy -- almost a leisure pursuit, really -- and part of a "quiet life" does a disservice both to those who are currently parenting and to those who are considering it. Parenting is a big deal. The stakes are high, the days are long, the decisions are critical, the pressure is sometimes overwhelming and the consequences are eternal. It is truly a life's work.

But the other side of this equation is that it has changed me so much more than I expected. It is my Everest. A daily marathon that shows me who I really am and brings me daily to my knees in a very good way. Would I want it to be easy, raising my daughter? While a selfish side of me whines about the difficulty, a very small and much wiser voice deep inside knows that this process is so much better, deeper, fuller than just a leisure pursuit or a shiny ad in a magazine.

I asked the Lord to change me and He sent me a child. I will never be the same.

All the Advice I've Ever Wanted to Give

I'm in a conundrum because as a new parent I know that one receives wayyyyy too much unrequested advice, but I also do love to share what's worked for me. So instead of giving advice to everyone I know with a baby coming I'm going to attempt to take it all out on my blog. If you don't want advice, please stop reading here.

• Develop a very thick skin. Someone told me "There's no way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a good one." That is true, but most people act like there's only one way: their way. If you can't let it go it will make you miserable.
  
• Do what it takes so that you are emotionally available during your child's infancy. Don't try to do so much that you miss this precious stage!
  
• Get a wrap or carrier that works for you and remember to use it. More than once I've had a rough morning with a fussy baby before remembering to wear her. It changes the whole tone of the day! Good for baby, good for parents.
• Prioritize your marriage. Do whatever it takes to continue to connect with your spouse. Make time for dates and fun, share dreams, and most importantly be completely honest with each other. Getting through a bit of tension is much better than building resentment long-term, so if you're frustrated say something.
• Connect with God. I don't believe that anyone can parent without God's help. And experiencing His grace on a daily basis is the only way I know to live at peace.
• Give yourself grace and space. You need sleep. You need a little bit of time to yourself. You need to take a shower. You need the room to screw up every now and again. Leave yourself off the list and you will lose yourself.
  

Okay, so that's it for now. I'm sure I will give more because I can't keep my mouth shut, but I'll think of it later. :)

Time Flies

I can't believe my little baby is over 7 months old and weighs over 18 pounds! Sometimes something happens, some little thing, and I think I hope I remember that forever. I can't believe that this whole complicated little person is in my life. I used to be amazed by thinking about all her little parts, like the size of her smallest bone or everything it took to make her little fingers move. That still blows me away but I think a lot now about her personality -- all the little things that make Lilia who she is.

It's incredible to me that God lets us do this. We, who to put it politely have a long history of mostly screwing things up, get to make and grow and teach whole new little people. Can you believe that? When I think about the weight of it I'm totally awed. She is a person with preferences and ideas and character. She is a soul. I wish I had more words, different words, better words to express my thinking here. Today, at this hour, I understand why people get addicted to having kids. It's like making a comet or a star or a planet or an ocean, only more important. I will not feel this way in the moment that she's waking tonight and needing food and I remember the incredible personal cost involved in this process. But in this moment I feel like I could really get addicted to making people.

She still blows raspberries to communicate. It's one of the few things she can do on purpose "with" us. She does it in turns with us. She's totally delighted by it.

She lights up almost every time we look at her. Just because she loves us. Because we're that important. She really knows that life is about relationships.

She kicks her left foot when she tries to do nearly anything, but particularly when she's eating. It's for emphasis, I think. I really have no idea, but I love it.

She thinks hard about new people. No smiles, usually, for at least 15 minutes. She just stares like she's sizing them up. I would pay big money to know what she's thinking in those moments.

She needs shamelessly. In many ways, I find this to be her most endearing and inspiring trait. She doesn't strive for independence, but rests contentedly in her dependence on us for everything. And she assumes that if we don't give her something she needs we've misunderstood her. Her faith is that pure. Nothing could make me want to move mountains more.

She is such a talker. (I think she gets it from Jeff.) She's loud and expressive and careful in what she says, only nobody can understand yet. She squeaks and squeals too, which is my favorite.

She's starting to think really hard about crawling. She saw one of her friends doing it last week and it definitely sealed the deal in her head -- she wants it bad! But I think there's a bit of a perfectionist in her (also from Jeff, I'm certain....) and she only tries for a little bit before getting so frustrated with herself that she stops altogether. Gonna be a long road, little girl, if you don't have patience for yourself!

All of these things amaze me and I thank God for this job.

Help and Appreciation

Being a full-time parent is exhausting and amazing at the same time. Anybody who's done it knows that, but I'm not sure it's possible to understand it if you haven't been there. (The questions I get hover between insulting and hilarious....) I certainly didn't "get it" before I made the big leap!

Last weekend I started to feel really overwhelmed, thinking of the task of packing our life up in a week. But I was stopped in my tracks when I read Judson's story online. It's the story of a little boy who died of a rare illness just shy of 3 years old. It was a five-tissue read for sure, but it will stick out in my mind for more reasons than the emotions involved. The faith of both Judson and his family left a permanent impression on my mind of what a difference perspective makes. Those of us who believe that this world around us is not the only thing there is have a different perspective on everything -- including suffering and death and... parenting.

When I read it I was totally overwhelmed by Lilia's needs for that day. She was teething and it was exhausting to me. But reading about Judson made me realize two things: First, that there are no guarantees, so every day with a person I love is precious. Second, that everyone needs a break. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm present, so it suddenly became clear to me that I really need to do whatever it takes to be present with my daughter every day. And for me, this week, that has meant asking for help.

And my friends are amazing. Just amazing! Jaime was here Monday, Andrea and her kids were here Tuesday and Tracy AND Eliecia and the girls came on Wednesday! The loved on Lilia, helped pack, made food, whatever. It was wonderful. I wish I'd thought of taking pictures of it all on Monday, but alas I figured it out towards the end of Wednesday. But I got a cute one so here it is:

One True Thing

I thought today was going to be a rough day. It didn't start well. Miss Lilia woke up like 5 times last night and I was so tired! Jeff took her first nap with her, but I went to the library to snag a Culture Pass. So when I got home I fed her and then he went grocery shopping and took her so I could sleep. But of course I can't sleep on cue like that, so I laid in bed for 40 minutes thinking, "Go to sleep! Go to sleep!" and finally got up and cleaned the kitchen a bit and made some muffins. Then when Jeff came home, I fed Lilia and he and I did a quick version of our devotions and he left for work.

Then things turned around, though, which was wonderful. I was able to sleep with Lilia for like 2 1/2 hours, and then we ate and played and took a bath and ate again and went to bed. We had a wonderful time and I was struck again by how many really amazing moments there are in my average day.

I was thinking about this job vs. other jobs I've had and one great thing struck me about it: There are no widgets. Do you know what I mean? Those silly hoops you have to jump through. With teaching it was grades (which I think are a ridiculous system) and silly down-to-the-minute schedules and lines and purchase orders. When I was in claims I couldn't even count the widgets, much less name them.

But now everything I do carries such weight. It's an opportunity to serve my daughter at the most vulnerable point in her life. Right now we get to teach her about family and God and love and grace, in little baby ways. She already knows, to borrow a phrase from Maya Angelou, whether our eyes light up when we look at her. She is learning to need, which is such an important human condition that leads to so many beautiful interactions with other people and with God.

She's also learning the world around her and I get to watch. She pet the cat today, all on her own for the first time, and I thought, "Wow. She's never pet a cat before. I'm witnessing a person's first pet!" It was incredible to think about that and nearly everything she does or sees is a first. And we, Jeff and me, the little team that we have become, get to be her first loves.

This is a freaking hard job. People who have kids (and some who don't) know that. But it is one of the few true things in life -- the world is actually substantively different because of parents, and because of the way we choose to parent. No widgets. High stakes. Significance. Wow.

The good, the bad, and the very very cute....

(Warning: I am aware that there are aspects to this post related to what my baby eats, where she sleeps and the fact that she sometimes cries seemingly inconsolably. I am also aware that everyone, everywhere seems to have an opinion on all of these items. I ask for advice frequently, but this is not one of those posts. In these areas I've researched to a level that can drive a person crazy and have decided, as declared in a previous post, to wing it.)

So today I had two really fun outings. First I went to the zoo with my friend Charity and her charming girls. It has been unseasonably cool here and it was a wonderful day for the zoo! Next I had a lovely lunch with my Bradley class playgroup. It was really great to see everyone and their babies again! Even our teacher, Jenny, came with her daughter. It was so nice to hang out with everyone.

Things went a bit downhill after that, though. I figured I was on a roll so I was going to find this great book I had seen at Fry's and later decided I wanted. I had already called my favorite independent Christian bookstore and they didn't carry it so I went to Barnes and Noble. Well, they didn't have it either so I went back to Fry's and was excited that they still had it. Only then I looked in my wallet and discovered that I didn't have my bank card. I thought I would write a check and then discovered that I was also missing my ID. I gave up and went home. Miss Lilia decided to eat, and eat, and eat some more when we got home. She kept crying and in a moment of desperation I decided I would try rice cereal. Looking back I'm pretty sure it was teething, but anyway we got some fun pictures.



I think about one spoonful got ingested, in the end, and she quickly returned to crying. It seemed like nothing would comfort her! And in the insanity I managed to lose the Snappi from her diaper mid-change and also her binky. It was not my finest moment. But, just in the nick of time, Jeff came home on his dinner break with a chicken pot pie for me and some comforting arms for Lilia. He actually got her to sleep in her cosleeper without the aid of a binky! I was endlessly grateful. She woke up one more time but I had a little more in the emotional tank for that one. She screamed and I repeated the 23rd Psalm over and over again. Believe it or not, it calmed her down and I was able to nurse her to sleep. She's sleeping peacefully in her cosleeper as I write this. Thank you, Jesus!

I can't believe I'm in the folder, "Lilia Joy, Month 5" for these pictures, but here are a couple more good ones.

Finding a Tribe

When Jeff and I were first married our friends were pretty much the same friends we'd always had. Jeff met most of them before high school (one in third grade!) and I was graciously grafted as though I were native to the tree. We are still friends and they are accepting, loving people. It's wonderful to go through life stages together and see each other on vacations.

When we moved to Arizona, we were blessed with a fabulous church and an INCREDIBLE life group. They are honest and deep and caring. We often wonder what we would do without them.

Now that I'm living on baby time and we are living in a different part of town, I'm learning that every momma needs a tribe! And that tribe really needs to be down the street, not a ways up the freeway.

Old friends feel great. And it's especially great to see that we really don't lose friends, we just get new ones! But making new friends makes me a little nervous....

It's scary to have a need. Ever noticed that? It breaks the "I'm fine" rule, which is a very important rule in a lot of circles. Especially in our country. Everyone is an island, or wants to be. But islands are lonely people. And to say, "I'm lonely" is very scary for a lot of people. It brings up memories of junior high lunchrooms, doesn't it? But closeness is created when we share our needs and allow others to meet them. And God gave us loneliness so we would make friends and families! It's a good, normal thing. So today I looked up playgroups, stroller strides groups and MOPS groups. And I felt so encouraged. Here's to finding a tribe!

Progress!

One of the things that has always amazed me about human beings is our lack of perspective. We think things will always be exactly as they are now, whether that is good or bad. We also think we are all average -- that most people are a lot like us. We have this interesting way of looking at things that is limited by our location.

But today God graced me with something I desperately needed but didn't ask for: a slightly broader perspective. I was thinking back about the whole struggle to take care of myself and to get sleep. There was a moment there when I truly thought that motherhood was simply too much for me (looking back, I think that moment was the turning point -- giving up was, as it always is, the beginning) and I didn't know what to do. Today is a much better day. We've gotten to where Miss Lilia will take naps in her co-sleeper (used to only take them on my person in some babywearing device), I am in my own routine that helps me sleep better and also feel better on a daily basis, Jeff and I are in a much better groove of communication. We don't have hours-long crying spells anymore, we haven't had thrush in a month, life is much better than it was.

And we are so very blessed and so, very, happy.

Here is my favorite memory from today:

Surfing

I Corinthians 5:16-17
¹⁶ So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! ¹⁷ This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

Last night was another one of those nights where Lilia ate about every one to two hours. It was crazy, but interestingly I was not. I think, I'm not sure but I really think, that I have grown a little bit.

I've always said that that hardest thing I've ever learned is that life is just a little harder than I thought it was going to be -- I learned that when I was about 19. But the BEST thing that I've ever learned is that I can be changed and grow and be better tomorrow than I am today. I'm starting to learn that I can't change myself, but that God can change me as I turn more and more things over to Him.

Well, this morning in my deep exhaustion, I prayed! Not just felt sorry for myself, not just hated getting no sleep, but also prayed! Me! And I feel a lot of things, but overwhelmed is not one of them.

Ah, a little growth. Praise God.

I love Bedtime.

Tonight I was putting Lilia to bed and I got to thinking about how far we've come in terms of bedtime. Our little baby used to scream, seemingly in pain, for minutes and even hours at bedtime. It broke our hearts into a thousand pieces and I was ready to tear my hair out trying to figure out why she cried like that! Also, even during the day she refused to be put down at all for any length of time-- probably for the first two months of her life she was actually in physical contact with me or Jeff every moment that she slept. Gradually we figured out that over tiredness was a major contributing factor, gradually we got into a naptime routine and a bedtime routine. All of this was out of necessity, because it was so sad to see her so thrown off by the whole thing!

So tonight as I read to her and sang to her and patted her and all the things I do every night, I started thinking about what a gift it is that she was so hard to put down. At various times I was ready to lose my mind about it, but in the end it has created so many special memories. Jeff and I have both learned to wear her around the house and out, we've learned to read her very well and know she's tired immediately, and I've prioritized taking an hour to go through our routine and put her to bed. And I will treasure those moments with her forever. We read Madeline, The Runaway Bunny, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Mother Goose, The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes. We pray for our night, for Daddy's ride home, for other friends and family members. We sing "All through the Night," "Amazing Grace," "Go to Sleepy Little Baby," and that creepy "Wolf 'a Growlin'" song that my mom sings and that works every time. We snuggle. And she doesn't scream anymore.

I wondered tonight what would've happened if I had had an "easy baby" that would just go to sleep or be fine with being put down. I think I would've missed all of this. It's funny how things go, isn't it? Looking back I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sleep

(T-shirt available at www.honestbaby.com)

Okay faithful readers, I have a task for you.

I'll start with background: My beloved Lilia had me up pretty much all night again last night. I stopped counting because there was more "up" than "down." Somewhere around 3-4am I completely lost all sense of perspective on my life and decided that I was a horribly depressed person and an unfit mother who hated parenting and my daughter was somehow defective, unlike other wonderful babies who allow their parents to sleep. Oh, and she hated me. And she was doing it on purpose. And I was going to die because it was all more than I could handle. And my husband didn't care, sleeping away like it was nothing for like 4 straight hours (he did that on purpose too, you see.). The only good news is that I gave up early and started praying like crazy for sanity and strength.

Jeff and I crawled to church this morning and managed to stay standing or sitting the whole time, which I am pretty proud of. But I still felt like a shriveled, resentful shadow of my former self. A poor, unsuspecting mother said to me, "Isn't it just the best job in the world, being a mom?" I wanted to shout,"NO! I hate it! You have me confused with a more together mom, a good mom. I'm a total failure. Will you please take my baby until, say, next Sunday so I can get some sleep???" But I think I just faintly grinned.

I basically demanded red meat on the way home so we drove through In-N-Out and then when we got home I fed Lilia, Jeff changed her and we went to sleep. She woke up hungry an hour later and I was filled with resentment again, but then she slept for 2 1/2 hours on that feeding! And so did I, snuggled up there in bed with our whole family. And I woke up a different person. It was so beautiful to wake up between the loves of my life, feeling loving again.

So, dear readers, the next time you find me a shadow of my former self, sleep-deprived to the point of falling down, will you please remind me that I don't hate parenting, Lilia doesn't hate me, and two hours of straight sleep will change my life? Thank you so much.

Perspectives on Parenting

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. "

--C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

One of my favorite professors, Dr. Sarah Sumner, said it best, "We live in an anti-child society."

Because of that harsh reality it's easy for parents, teachers and others who serve children to lose perspective on the importance of what they do. Sometimes as a teacher I would think of all of my friends doing more important, more lucrative things and I would wonder if I had made some terrible error and missed the boat of significance altogether. As a stay-at-home parent I sometimes find myself worried that I will fall into invisibility with no contribution to society as a whole.

But yesterday I had a thought that really impacted me and gave me clarity:

We live in a society that values money and things above all else, but in 500 years every dollar I've earned will have disintegrated. Most of the schools and companies I've worked for will probably have disintegrated as well. Every expert I hear on the radio will have been rendered irrelevant. Nobody will remember what house I lived in or what kind of car I drove. But there will still be a Lilia Joy, praising God in Heaven with angels, and she will still be impacted by the things I do every day right now.

People often talk about the fact that teachers and parents are important, but they usually say it in sort of a patronizing way. Like the way Mrs. Armstrong says, "There are no small parts, only small actors" in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. They say it with a misty look and a reassuring tone before they get back to the serious business of earning and spending money.

But I'm here to say the job of parent is frighteningly, alarmingly, deadly serious. The consequences will literally outlast the companies we work for, the universities we've graduated from, the country we live in and the earth we inhabit. It is insane to me that God entrusted this job to human beings, but for whatever reason He did and I, for one, am going to go whole hog with it. No holding back, no regrets.

Motherhood, the Impossible Task

Motherhood is a calling that cannot be achieved for His glory without first acknowledging that it cannot be done without HIM!

I read this in a new blog that Andrea recommended in a comment on my last post, and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Where to begin?

Let's begin with labor. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was excited but also filled with fear. I had basically two major fears: the fear that I would lose my identity and my incredible relationship with my husband, and the fear that I could not handle labor.

Well, I could not handle labor. Like, really. Three days of natural labor, back labor, throwing up constantly, the whole nine yards. I admit freely that I spent several hours of my exceedingly long labor trying to figure out if there was any way out of it without actually giving birth. No luck. So I struggled and just tried to keep existing through all of it. And wondered where I could go to resign. The one thing I knew for sure was that I could not handle it at all. I wondered over and over again how women do this every day, this thing that felt like torture to me, relentlessly assaulting me every 3 minutes for 60 hours. I wondered how other women do it, but I knew for sure that I could not.

As it turns out, that realization was a major turning point for me. Many times in my walk with the Lord I have realized at various levels that it's not about trying, it's about giving up. But never has it hit so close to home. To try was to fail, to give up was to conquer. No wonder they say that giving birth isn't just about making babies, it's about making mothers. I had to learn right from the get-go that I was in way over my head.

The lesson is simple and incredibly difficult: The reason mothering feels impossible is that it is, in fact, impossible. The reason I feel in the middle of the 6th sleepless night (during the 4th straight hourly feeding) like I cannot do this for one more minute is that, well, I cannot do this for one more minute. Hold on while I read that italicized part over a few times....

I sometimes wonder how other moms seem to have it so together when I often feel like I'm falling apart. Now I know that it doesn't matter how they do it, it only matters that I know I cannot. The sooner I wave the white flag of surrender, the sooner the Boss can conquer. Apparently when He said that His strength is made perfect in our weakness, He meant my weakness. And He was not kidding about the weakness part.

So, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do according to the Plan, which is of course to fail. What a relief! My friend Charity told me today, "It's a much freer way to live" and it's so true.

Okay, Boss. It's all You.

Things from my childood I want for Lilia...

--A foundation of love for the Lord
--"The Baptism of Jesse Taylor"
--A sister :)
--Spontaneity
--A love of learning
--Books. Everywhere.
--Parents who care to hear about the friends, crushes, and general drama of Jr. High.
--Disneyland
--Deep discussions
--Shared adventures
--Camping
--Grandpa's Special
--"Front Seat, Back Seat"
--Reading aloud together
--Singing together (especially in the car)
--Cheesy Elvis movies
--Frito Pie
--Birthday breakfast
--The Best Christmas Pageant Ever
--Laughing loud
--Board games
--Deep community
--Love for a good story
--Inside jokes
--Church musicals
--Peanut butter pancakes
--The ability to figure it out for herself
--Old friends
--A treehouse
--Lots of animals
--Woods

Midwives and Houses and Teeth, Oh My!

Three basically unrelated updates today:

1. Went to the International Midwives' Day Celebration at Papago Park yesterday. It was lovely and sweet and hippie all over. The best part was seeing Sue, our amazing midwife, and finally getting a picture of her holding Lilia. She has the sweetest, most calming spirit. That's definitely a good thing in labor!

2. We saw and made an offer on a house this morning. We love the area, we love the floor plan, we love the front and back yards. We don't love the super 70's kitchen but these things can be updated in time. We're learning not to get our hopes up with each offer in this market. We could end up getting many offers rejected before someone accepts one. This house already has one other offer in, so they're looking for our "highest and best." We gave it to them according to our budget. So here's hoping!

3. A wonderful Bradley friend, Liz, e-mailed and suggested that Lilia's recent craziness could be due to teething/preteething. (Interestingly, our amazing midwife, Sue had suggested that she might be teething when we were going through something a little while ago, but it had gone away on its own so I didn't think much of it.) I looked in our fabulous Dr. Sears bible of babies and sure enough it seemed that Lilia is showing many signs of teething. So I called the pediatrician to ask what they recommend doing to help her with the pain and help her sleep. I left a message with the triage nurse. Well, I got a call back saying I needed to take her in today! The nurse even asked how far we live from the office and made an appointment in like 30 minutes. It scared the heck out of me and I actually cried on the way to the doctor. Of course it was in the afternoon so I was flying solo.

Well we got to the office and our pediatrician basically confirmed what I thought -- teething a little early. Nothing to be worried about at all. I posted on Facebook asking for advice and many folks recommended Hylands teething tablets, which are homeopathic and said to work wonders. I went right out to Target and got some, used them tonight and Lilia is sleeping peacefully as I write. Thank you Lord, and thank you to all those who suggested Hylands!

Now I'm going to go sleep peacefully. :)

Exhaustion

The good news: Miss Lilia has really settled in to a routine during the day and is napping well. This is good because we need to be house hunting pretty much every day and she can generally just sleep in the car.

The bad news: She's back to eating every two hours all night and I am losing it. Jeff has come home and rescued me a couple of times, but I'm worried about him losing sleep because he has to go to work. The problem, however, is that I just feel like a 24-hour Denny's. And then to make matters worse there's some issue that is causing her to cry when she eats or after (we're still doing detective work and trying to figure out what that is!). So last night Jeff came home at about 11:30, when he used to find us happily asleep in bed, to Lilia screaming in pain and me near tears after trying to get sleep and failing since 6pm. He graciously took her and walked her while I cried in bed. The first couple of nights of this were okay, but I'm not going to survive if it keeps going!

It is very hard to keep any kind of perspective at all when you don't get a certain minimal amount of sleep, but I'm trying to hang on to some. Lord, keep me sane!