Beautiful and Crazy

I have so much to say.

Let me start by saying that avoiding a subject I'm excited about is nearly impossible for me, which is why it's been very difficult to blog recently. People who know me know that I'm the worst avoider in the world. If there's something that's hard to talk about or important or whatever, that's the first thing I bring up. What was the topic I was avoiding in my blog? We're having another baby! Baby #2 will join us next summer.

Why avoid that topic? Because last time it was very difficult to go back and tell everyone that I had miscarried. Probably 85% of people were awesome about it, but that 15% who just couldn't understand or offer real sympathy were agonizing for me. It's a very vulnerable place to be, to have someone not understand, or worse or try to minimize (BTW, have a friend who lost a baby and wondering what to say? Look here!) . Of course the silver lining was realizing that the vast majority of our friends and family are totally "safe" to be real with, even when things are not fine. What a gift! But this time we decided to wait a little while and save ourselves the agony of telling the world too early and possibly having to share our grief with big numbers of people.

So we're telling everyone now for two reasons. First, someone we love inadvertently outed us in a Christmas card, not realizing we were waiting to tell. And second, we saw the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound on Tuesday! That means that we are out of the very high risk zone for miscarriage. It was the best Christmas present we could've received!!!

I have so much more to share on this beautiful Christmas day, but I will let this news sink in first.

God is so good to us.

Minus One

I miscarried yesterday. It was really, really sad. I had no idea how sad I would be when it was so early. My wonderful cousin said, "When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she starts to bond with that little baby. It doesn't matter how early." So true.

There's such a depth to the emotion going on inside of me that it seems strange to be able to summarize it by saying that I'm really sad, but that's what it is. Not really all too complicated, just big. And heavy. I don't feel good (it seems so wrong that it should make your body exhausted and achy to lose a baby! It feels like salt in the wound.), I'm tired, and I have waves of this big sadness at random times. Other times I feel completely fine.

Yesterday was a really, really bad day all around. Everyone I know seemed to be grieving some terrible news at the same time! But I was able to go to a friend's house who had lost her job about an hour before my miscarriage (I brought chocolate!), and we just cried together and felt better that we weren't alone.

So, as always, there's a blessing in the storm. I won't say there's a silver lining because nothing can make it okay to lose a baby, but God's whispered love seems to follow me into the valleys, no matter how dark they are. We will leave our life and our family in His hands today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Two Under Two

So.... There's going to be another baby in our family! Can you believe it? We're very excited! From what I can figure right now I think the due date should be May 31, 2010.

Yes, it was planned, but yes we're also nervous about having two babies at once. We're excited at the thought of them growing up to be best friends, but all that is after diapers and sleepless nights. Anyway, if anybody has two under two and would like to give us advice on getting through the first two years please feel free.

Scars, Stretch Marks, Body Image and Gender

I'm doing silly things like weighing myself and looking in the mirror. Foolish, I know, only 3 weeks after labor. But there it is. This morning I tried on my favorite black jacket. It didn't fit.

I started to develop some very negative feelings about my body and, thus, myself.

Then I thought again.

If we're honest, we admit that men are mostly valued for what they do and women for how they look. I think that's why a man with scars and a weathered face looks ruggedly handsome -- because it says he faced something difficult and came out of it on top. His body is tough! A woman with similar features would not be received the same way. In fact, women's bodies and faces are more highly valued if they look like they've been through nothing at all -- just look at the obsession with anti-aging products!

But today, as I reconsidered my negative impression of my post-baby body, I was struck by what it has done. This body nurtured a whole separate person for the better part of a year. In order to do that, it had to make some changes that seem, in retrospect, nothing short of heroic. Its abdominal muscles separated, without tearing, to make room for its uterus to grow to something like 15 times its original size. Its blood volume doubled. Its ligaments loosened. It even created an organ to feed the baby that only exists during pregnancy! It sustained itself and the baby through a very long labor and then went through more amazing changes to give birth. In fact, there's still a lot of mystery surrounding what triggers labor but my body just did it, without being told.

Now it passes on every antibody it develops to the baby through breast milk within 6 hours. It creates an appropriate amount of milk, balanced in calories, fat, and nutrients for my own baby. It releases hormones when I feed that tell the uterus to shrink back, and tell me to hold and love the baby. All of this and it can still walk and run and stretch and cook!

My body has done all of this and it has the stretch marks and scars to prove it. So, I'm going to make a commitment to have some respect for my "ruggedly beautiful" body. I will not disrespect it by insulting the size or shape of my belly, hips or thighs. I will exercise it and put lotion on it and feed it well because it faced something difficult and came out on top.

I will even put something in print that I've never said before:

I have a great body.

Anyone want to say it with me?

I Surrender... All?

This last Sunday at church was pretty intense. The message series is all about giving up the idolatry of consumerism in favor of a simpler, more peaceful financial life. I would say it's obviously a well-timed message, although in the B-D household we've really worked hard at that for several years already. It was incredible to see how it hit people.

Jesus said, "You can't serve God and money" but I think most of us who have spent time "serving money" didn't know it at the time. You go out to dinner and a movie because you deserve it or it's someone's birthday and you feel bad, you put it on a credit card. Your car breaks down and you suddenly realize you should've had an emergency fund, but you didn't so you either put it on a credit card or, far worse, get all emotional and go finance another car because you "need something reliable." Suddenly you get this sick feeling when you open your credit card bill and you have no idea how you'll get out of it. You're worrying about money 24/7, calling your bank to see how close to zero your account is hovering, working just to pay for yesterday's purchases. You are truly serving money. And you don't even know how you got there.

In the category of "bottom line," one of my favorite truths is that Christianity is not about trying, it's about giving up. But (especially in our society) it's sometimes hard to see what you're holding on to! We we sang a song about surrender after the message, I realized that I have some surrendering to do that is not financial.

I've been really having a rough time with the situation of losing Jeff's family leave time as we go farther and farther past the due date with Lilia. We've tried every natural way to induce labor that we've heard of, prayed like crazy, and worried a lot. Well, especially me. I feel like a really good wife would move Heaven and Earth to find a way to get this baby out so she can spend important bonding time with her daddy.

But this isn't about trying harder, it's about giving up. God knows everything about Jeff's leave and his new position, our timing, my body and Lilia's. And in His infinite wisdom he has chosen a time for her debut that is not now. So I continue to work on surrendering all....

You know the thing about me and change?

This is a general update that I sent out to our small group today. So much to process for my little pregnant brain!!!

Hey guys,

Just a few updates from the ever-more-lively life of the Brooks-Dowtys:

--Having more and more pre-labor contractions, including two periods of time where they got regular and then stopped. But they're getting more intense with every "false start" so we're thinking things are getting close on the baby front. YAY!

--PRAISE #1: I sat down with my contract and my paystubs earlier and figured out that my school still owed me like $2500 or so because they paid me based on 12 months, but I worked half the contact in 5 months. That may not make sense, but anyway I got a paycheck today from my school that I didn't expect, and they still owe me like $500 so I'm really excited about that!

--PRAISE #2: Y'know the job that Jeff applied for "just to get his name out there"? They offered it to him today. They needed to know right away so we discussed and calculated fast and he took it.

--PRAISE #3: The increase in base salary for the new position makes up for the lack of commission, which is what we were praying for, so it looks as though Jeff has been able to move out of sales for good and just be in tech support, and we have a workable one-income budget.

--PRAYER #1: The new position is a graveyard shift, from 10pm-7am. It makes us a little nervous to make that leap, but it's very likely that it's only for 6 months or so. It's just kind of a big 6 months while we have a brand new baby. Please pray that we can handle it and make reasonable choices about our life. The great news is he'll continue to be able to do church and small group.

--PRAYER #2: The training for this new position is Monday. So we're not sure how that works with Jeff's leave or whether he'll need to come in one extra day or what. Please pray that they have another training he can go to that's more like 2 weeks away.

This is all happening so fast and I just wanted to ask for everyone's prayer and support while we navigate it all. It's a lot of change in a small period of time!

***************************UPDATE*********************************

Jeff got into a February 2 training class!!! YAY! Now we need to have this baby....

Babywatch Update -- False alarm. :(

I woke up at 1am with a much more traditional-feeling contraction. The whole painful cramping, going in a wave thing. I tried not to get excited, but I had to get up and eat anyway so I grabbed the stopwatch and started timing. I had contractions five minutes apart for like 30-45 minutes. I started to get more excited and considered waking up Jeff, but then I decided to try to ignore them and go back to sleep. They stopped. :(

Jeff left this morning with the words, "Go into labor and call me so I can come home!" Here's hoping....

Babywatch Update with Ultrasound pics

Here are pictures that Mom took yesterday. Can you see the poor thing's little squished face? She's even frowning! But what's important is that she has enough fluid in there, she's moving enough, her heart rate is good, she's measuring well and she's practicing breathing. Whew! All systems are go. I have a home visit with our midwife, Sue today and I'm looking forward to it.

As babywatch continues, I'm walking a lot, sitting on the ball a lot, and resting a lot to be as over this cold as possible when Lilia Joy makes her debut. My brain and heart are full, but I'm going to have to blog more later because my eyes are still really tired.

Babywatch Excitement! It's (officially) a girl!!!

Mom came down today and went to the ultrasound with me, which was super fun. It was hilarious to see this ultrasound vs. the other ones. In the other ones the baby is all compact and sort of typical of what you would think an ultrasound looks like. In this one, you could only see one part at a time and it was all squished up! It was really comical, this poor little baby trying to make the best of her crammed circumstances.

Speaking of "her"....

The tech said it's actually harder to tell at this stage whether it's a boy or girl, but she told us she's nearly certain it's a girl. So we're taking that for gospel truth and going with "It's a girl!" We're excited! Of course, we'd be equally excited if it were a boy but we'd have to buy a few things....

Quick Babywatch Update, then bed!

I'm exhausted and going to bed shortly (just got back from life group), but I thought I'd update y'all about the baby stuff today:

• Had a Dr. appt -- cervix is soft (good sign), but everything else is pretty much the same.
• Baby does NOT want to turn from posterior position! This makes for a more painful labor and delivery so please join us in praying that he/she will turn into anterior position!
• Jeff and I were very seriously nesting today, so if that changes your bet please comment on previous thread!
• Weirdly, we're going to have an ultrasound tomorrow. It's called a BPP -- BioPhysical Profile -- and it will tell us that the baby is doing okay as we move past the due date. Theoretically I will do one of these and one non-stress test each week until we have the baby, but I have a sneaking suspicion the baby will be here in the next week. The bonus is that we get to verify whether we have a Lilia or an Evan! :)

That's all. Goodnight folks!

Marriage, Illness, Donuts and Dependency

Yesterday was definitely a sick day. Sore throat, achy body, fatigue, just a general feeling of YUCK. I slept and watched movies for nearly the entire day.

Jeff was very concerned and called on his break to say, "Don't do ANYTHING today, okay? That means no dishes, no cleaning, nothing." He also came home to a white board full of things I was requesting that he pick up (including a prescription, toilet paper and donuts!), and a wife who was having trouble reaching the remote on the coffee table from the couch. He was such a trooper. He just went right back out after work with his list. He was so tired last night that he fell asleep on the couch in his dress clothes!

In these kinds of situations, Jeff has taught me so much about healthy interdependence. It's been very hard for me to learn that it's okay to need and accept help. Now I'm learning the next piece of the puzzle -- it's not just okay, it's good. It's how we build relationships based on trust, both with people and with God.

So last night I sat with the husband God gave me on the couch, wrapped myself up, and ate my donut. It tasted so sweet.

New Year, New Stuff

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I haven't for years because I try to evaluate my life and change it far more often than every year. So this isn't that post. :)

I generally hate New Year's as a holiday. (For background, see previous post re: transitions....) Anyway, today is so different.

I woke up so grateful, so hopeful and optimistic. I could already feel the baby moving and I just stayed there and felt it, absorbed it, tried to appreciate it and wrap my mind around it. To feel this connected to a person that I don't really know yet is a strange gift and a truly unique experience.

Didn't think I would feel that way because an old fear has resurfaced for me in recent days. I've been worried that parenting will overwhelm us, bury our relationship and our spirits forever. I've worried that we're not up to the task, that we've been too naive about the whole thing by looking forward to it. The snickers from other parents, the "Silly new parents. They haven't got a clue what they're getting into" mentality.

But yesterday I was inspired by reading a very old friend's website about his little baby boy. He and his wife just seem to be beaming through the whole experience. Not "making it through," but loving every minute of it. In a flash I remembered why we chose to have a baby in the first place, how excited I am to fulfill a lifelong calling to help lead a family with my husband, and most importantly I remembered to have a little faith. A little faith in the God that called us to this, a little faith in the best husband in the entire world, and a little faith in our ability to lead a family.

So I'm going bravely, naively even, into the great unknown.

**Blowing noisemaker with a ridiculous smile on her face**

HAPPPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Baby Blessings

Sunday our friends and my mom threw us a beautiful "Baby Blessing." It was meaningful and beautiful in so many ways, and it reminded me of how we have just felt like we are riding a wave of blessings for this baby. I can't believe how blessed we've been with help and good wishes and hand-me-downs, and now this.

It was really special that Jeff and the guys were included. As it turns out, all the guys there were parents and it felt good to acknowledge the importance of that. We don't believe that Mom is "parent plus" and Dad is "parent minus." God made families unique -- everyone is important. It was so wonderful of our friends to support that. And it was the first time I've heard the words "catalytic converter" at a baby shower! It really added something.... ;)

The next wonderful surprise was all of the gifts. We did not register and, in the interest of voluntary simplicity, we asked that people please give second-hand gifts, homemade items and/or big bargains. Well our wonderful friends and family did an incredible job! We got so many beautiful, useful things. And there was a lot of thoughtfulness in terms of getting things that were environmentally conscious and/or natural. I could cry just thinking of how much thought people put in to getting things that we could really use. We truly, truly loved everything.

The things we will both remember forever, though, were the last two things that happened. First, they went around the circle and each gave a reason that they thought Jeff and I will be great parents. Lots of eyes got misty! It was so encouraging to hear all of that as we brave the adventure and transition to parenthood. Then they prayed for the baby, which was so meaningful and important to us.

So, to our amazing friends and family: THANK YOU!!!

Plans, Routines and Flexibility

Jeff and I had a wonderful little date last night. We drove like an hour away to go to IHOP and eat. It was really fun! It was also very sweet of him, because I love driving to nowhere in particular and he doesn't share that eccentricity. But we both had a great time!

We spent some time talking about what our priorities should be during this strange little limbo time. The baby could come at any minute, but we could also have 5-6 more weeks of pregnancy without me working. So it's a strange time.

If you know me, you know that transitions are not my strong suit. I grew up believing that drastic, painful changes were waiting around every corner, ready to pounce as soon as I became happy in my life. As an adult, it's still pretty difficult for me to deal with changes even if they're very good. But I think I'm improving and this is a good example!

I decided to make a little "workday" routine for myself that integrates my priorities for this time: Taking care of myself and the baby, taking care of the house, and trying to earn a little extra money (in that order!). Jeff helped with it and I feel much more calm about this particular transition now.

So today is my first day working it out and I think it's a good plan! It's not intended to be rigid, just a little routine to provide some security. It could only be for a few days, or it could be for weeks. But I'm excited about learning and growing and making a new strategy to compensate for an old pattern.