Motherhood, the Impossible Task

Motherhood is a calling that cannot be achieved for His glory without first acknowledging that it cannot be done without HIM!

I read this in a new blog that Andrea recommended in a comment on my last post, and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Where to begin?

Let's begin with labor. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was excited but also filled with fear. I had basically two major fears: the fear that I would lose my identity and my incredible relationship with my husband, and the fear that I could not handle labor.

Well, I could not handle labor. Like, really. Three days of natural labor, back labor, throwing up constantly, the whole nine yards. I admit freely that I spent several hours of my exceedingly long labor trying to figure out if there was any way out of it without actually giving birth. No luck. So I struggled and just tried to keep existing through all of it. And wondered where I could go to resign. The one thing I knew for sure was that I could not handle it at all. I wondered over and over again how women do this every day, this thing that felt like torture to me, relentlessly assaulting me every 3 minutes for 60 hours. I wondered how other women do it, but I knew for sure that I could not.

As it turns out, that realization was a major turning point for me. Many times in my walk with the Lord I have realized at various levels that it's not about trying, it's about giving up. But never has it hit so close to home. To try was to fail, to give up was to conquer. No wonder they say that giving birth isn't just about making babies, it's about making mothers. I had to learn right from the get-go that I was in way over my head.

The lesson is simple and incredibly difficult: The reason mothering feels impossible is that it is, in fact, impossible. The reason I feel in the middle of the 6th sleepless night (during the 4th straight hourly feeding) like I cannot do this for one more minute is that, well, I cannot do this for one more minute. Hold on while I read that italicized part over a few times....

I sometimes wonder how other moms seem to have it so together when I often feel like I'm falling apart. Now I know that it doesn't matter how they do it, it only matters that I know I cannot. The sooner I wave the white flag of surrender, the sooner the Boss can conquer. Apparently when He said that His strength is made perfect in our weakness, He meant my weakness. And He was not kidding about the weakness part.

So, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do according to the Plan, which is of course to fail. What a relief! My friend Charity told me today, "It's a much freer way to live" and it's so true.

Okay, Boss. It's all You.