What Kind of Family do You Have?

One of the greatest parts of Families Where Grace is in Place is a section containing two contrasting lists: Ten characteristics of "curse-full" (controlling) families and ten characteristics of Grace-full families. These lists provided excellent dinnertime conversation for Jeff and I as we talked about our families of origin and our new family. We even decided to put the "grace-full" list up on our wall. (We now post things pretty frequently, due to the excellent example of our friends the Esparzas.)

I decided a paraphrase of the lists would be a good idea to blog, but I'm going to contrast them on each point rather than making two separate lists. If you haven't picked up the book yet, I will tell you again that I can't recommend it enough!

So, how is your family doing?

1. Grace-full families affirm out loud. Curse-full families shame out loud. In a curse-full family, shaming is used as a means of control. In those families, the message sent to each other is that they don't measure up or that they should be different. In grace-full families, you may hear messages like, "I love you." "You are so capable." "I'm here for you if you need me." "I'm glad you're a boy/girl."

2. Grace-full families are people-oriented. Curse-full families are performance-oriented. That means in a grace-full family, love is not earned by doing anything. Again, in curse-full families, love is withheld as a means of controlling behavior.

3. Grace-full families have out-loud rules and expectations. Curse-full families have unspoken rules. So in a grace-full family, everyone knows the rules and expectations and it's okay to talk about them. In a curse-full family, you learn the unspoken rules when you break them, and if you talk about a problem you must have caused it.

4. In grace-full families, communication is clear and straight. In curse-full families messages are either "coded" or given through other people. His example is great here: "If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say, 'Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage' and then complain when people ignore and/or miss your coded message.

5. In grace-full families, God is the source. In curse-full families, idolatry is prevalent. In grace-full families everyone looks to God for their value, rather than looking to outward appearance, the approval of others, or the performance of other family members for validation in a curse-full family.

6. In grace-full families children are enjoyed where they are. In curse-full families children are given a hard time for age-appropriate behavior. "In shame-based families children musta ct like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-full families it's okay for them to act like kids."

7. In grace-full families everyone is responsible and accountable. Curse-full families are preoccupied with fault and blame. This is another case of control -- curse-full families use fault and blame as another means of exerting control, rather than viewing mistakes as valuable learning experiences for the kids and adults.

8. In grace-full families, "head skills" are used for learning. In curse-full families, "head skills" are used for defending. Rather than using "head skills" to keep from being shamed, grace-full families use them for learning.

9. In grace-full families, feelings are valid and useful. Curse-full families are weak on "heart skills." Grace-full families recognize that feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist. Curse-full families view them as wrong or irrelevant.

10. In grace-full families it's okay for the outside to match the inside. Curse-full families are filled with people who are empty on the inside but learn to act full on the outside. So in grace-full families it matters how things really are, but in curse-full families it only matters how things look.

So, does this give you enough to chew on?