(T-shirt available at www.honestbaby.com)
Okay faithful readers, I have a task for you.
I'll start with background: My beloved Lilia had me up pretty much all night again last night. I stopped counting because there was more "up" than "down." Somewhere around 3-4am I completely lost all sense of perspective on my life and decided that I was a horribly depressed person and an unfit mother who hated parenting and my daughter was somehow defective, unlike other wonderful babies who allow their parents to sleep. Oh, and she hated me. And she was doing it on purpose. And I was going to die because it was all more than I could handle. And my husband didn't care, sleeping away like it was nothing for like 4 straight hours (he did that on purpose too, you see.). The only good news is that I gave up early and started praying like crazy for sanity and strength.
Jeff and I crawled to church this morning and managed to stay standing or sitting the whole time, which I am pretty proud of. But I still felt like a shriveled, resentful shadow of my former self. A poor, unsuspecting mother said to me, "Isn't it just the best job in the world, being a mom?" I wanted to shout,"NO! I hate it! You have me confused with a more together mom, a good mom. I'm a total failure. Will you please take my baby until, say, next Sunday so I can get some sleep???" But I think I just faintly grinned.
I basically demanded red meat on the way home so we drove through In-N-Out and then when we got home I fed Lilia, Jeff changed her and we went to sleep. She woke up hungry an hour later and I was filled with resentment again, but then she slept for 2 1/2 hours on that feeding! And so did I, snuggled up there in bed with our whole family. And I woke up a different person. It was so beautiful to wake up between the loves of my life, feeling loving again.
So, dear readers, the next time you find me a shadow of my former self, sleep-deprived to the point of falling down, will you please remind me that I don't hate parenting, Lilia doesn't hate me, and two hours of straight sleep will change my life? Thank you so much.
3 comments:
Mmmmmm. I remember those days. There is a light at the end of the tunnel - these days do not last forever. I promise. And when you think you just cannot go one more second - call me - I'll be around the corner and I'll come give you a break :)
Hey - I'll be joining you in the not to distant future in the same ritual - tho my kid will be on Korean time rather than US time, but who knows - he'll have trouble sleeping too! We can all rally together and know that no one is the perfect parent except our Father above!
So seriously. You're going to be a zombie the first year (seriously!). The fact that you and Jeff sustained verticality at church qualifies you for parent of the year.
Sleep when you can. Communicate with your spouse (so you can trade off). Use this as an opportunity to grow your relationship in areas like 'trust' and 'honesty'... because hey -- if your spouse still loves you after the first year of a child (hint: he'll still love you), then you guys will have learned to live through one of the toughest times of child rearing.
Oh, and that's why they call it child rearing by the way -- it really kicks you in the rear.
;-)
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