What Kind of Family do You Have?

One of the greatest parts of Families Where Grace is in Place is a section containing two contrasting lists: Ten characteristics of "curse-full" (controlling) families and ten characteristics of Grace-full families. These lists provided excellent dinnertime conversation for Jeff and I as we talked about our families of origin and our new family. We even decided to put the "grace-full" list up on our wall. (We now post things pretty frequently, due to the excellent example of our friends the Esparzas.)

I decided a paraphrase of the lists would be a good idea to blog, but I'm going to contrast them on each point rather than making two separate lists. If you haven't picked up the book yet, I will tell you again that I can't recommend it enough!

So, how is your family doing?

1. Grace-full families affirm out loud. Curse-full families shame out loud. In a curse-full family, shaming is used as a means of control. In those families, the message sent to each other is that they don't measure up or that they should be different. In grace-full families, you may hear messages like, "I love you." "You are so capable." "I'm here for you if you need me." "I'm glad you're a boy/girl."

2. Grace-full families are people-oriented. Curse-full families are performance-oriented. That means in a grace-full family, love is not earned by doing anything. Again, in curse-full families, love is withheld as a means of controlling behavior.

3. Grace-full families have out-loud rules and expectations. Curse-full families have unspoken rules. So in a grace-full family, everyone knows the rules and expectations and it's okay to talk about them. In a curse-full family, you learn the unspoken rules when you break them, and if you talk about a problem you must have caused it.

4. In grace-full families, communication is clear and straight. In curse-full families messages are either "coded" or given through other people. His example is great here: "If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say, 'Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage' and then complain when people ignore and/or miss your coded message.

5. In grace-full families, God is the source. In curse-full families, idolatry is prevalent. In grace-full families everyone looks to God for their value, rather than looking to outward appearance, the approval of others, or the performance of other family members for validation in a curse-full family.

6. In grace-full families children are enjoyed where they are. In curse-full families children are given a hard time for age-appropriate behavior. "In shame-based families children musta ct like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-full families it's okay for them to act like kids."

7. In grace-full families everyone is responsible and accountable. Curse-full families are preoccupied with fault and blame. This is another case of control -- curse-full families use fault and blame as another means of exerting control, rather than viewing mistakes as valuable learning experiences for the kids and adults.

8. In grace-full families, "head skills" are used for learning. In curse-full families, "head skills" are used for defending. Rather than using "head skills" to keep from being shamed, grace-full families use them for learning.

9. In grace-full families, feelings are valid and useful. Curse-full families are weak on "heart skills." Grace-full families recognize that feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist. Curse-full families view them as wrong or irrelevant.

10. In grace-full families it's okay for the outside to match the inside. Curse-full families are filled with people who are empty on the inside but learn to act full on the outside. So in grace-full families it matters how things really are, but in curse-full families it only matters how things look.

So, does this give you enough to chew on?

Selling Jesus

It always feels like Christmas when we get our new issue of Christianity Today magazine, but yesterday's was especially good.

The cover image is pretty clear and struck a chord with me, so I opened to this article, by the pastor who wrote the book Brand Jesus: Christianity in a Consumerist Age. In my opinion, this guy is right on the money (pardon the pun). A couple of quotes I found particularly, disturbingly, true:

"When it's just you and Jesus, you (the consumer) 'invite him' (the product) 'into your heart' (brand adoption) and 'get saved' (consumer gratification)."

"So, given this cultural setting, any salvation that needs a sophisticated sales pitch is a salvation that won't really do anything. It will make you holy the same way a new pair of Nikes makes you athletic—which is to say, not at all. It only changes your religious brand."

He goes on to list specific problems with a marketed Christianity. The crux of it is that, in a consumerist society, we do something for a brand by buying their product based on what the product can do for us. But it never does what it says it will do, and our entire society is based on becoming discontented enough to buy again. See where this is going to be a problem when we apply it to our faith? First, we do nothing for Jesus by following him, second He isn't there to try to get us to buy His product by offering to meet our every demand, and finally the fulfillment of following the Lord is eternal, not made to wear out so we buy it again.

So, what do you think? Is this a "when in Rome" situation, or do we need to set ourselves apart from our consumerist society?

BONUS POST! Book list.

Check the side of my blog. Your wish is my command -- I've added a list of my favorite non-fiction books as a start. These were just the ones off the top of my head, but I'll edit as I think of more. I love recommending books!!! Please feel free to request recommendations any time. :)

Zephaniah 3:17

Since reading The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg, I've seen Bible memorization in a completely new way. I used to see it as putting some Great Verse in my back pocket in order to pull it out someday, when applicable. Sort of a Sunday School pin mentality.

Now I am memorizing more slowly and meditating on each line of the verse, and choosing a verse that speaks to me right now. It's been an incredible spiritual experience.

I've been working on Zephaniah 3:17 for about a week, but yesterday it "blew up" for me in a completely new way. Until yesterday, I'd been really focusing on accepting God's love in this verse for myself as I go bravely into the unknown. That's still true, but after reading Families Where Grace is in Place and learning a lot about infant attachment, I'm seeing this verse a little differently.

The greatest job of a parent, I think I'm beginning to understand, is to be a model of God's love. We learn to love when God loves us, we learn to forgive when God forgives us, we learn about grace and parenting and guidance all because of Him, parenting us. Well, I think this verse may become my "life parenting verse." It's not just about how God is parenting me -- being with me, being capable of meeting my needs, taking delight in me, rejoicing over me. I'm wondering if it's about my job, too, as a parent. No, I can't be my kids' god, but I can be a picture of the God who's already given Himself for me. I can be the one who is with them, on their side, delighting in them, rejoicing over them and showing them that God does the same.

What a job.

"I'd rather be miserable with you."

Ordinarily, Jeff is a rock. He doesn't get sick, ever. He has the immune system of steel, of which I'm very jealous.

But I think all the stress of the transition has weakened his immune system a little and yesterday he got a dreaded cold. Poor thing! He's so miserable! Congestion, fatique, sore throat, achiness, the whole nine yards.

The only thing I like about Jeff getting sick is that I have the opportunity to "baby him" in ways he otherwise may not exactly tolerate. ;) So this morning I made him Throat Coat tea, french toast, orange juice, muffins, and cut up an apple. And I heated him up a corn bag and got him all settled in for breakfast.

Over the table he looked at me with his bleary eyes and said, "I'd rather be miserable with you than healthy with anyone else!"

Made my day.

Book Review: Families Where Grace is in Place

I have a nasty habit of reviewing books while I'm in the middle of them because I get so excited. I'll probably post an updated review when I'm done.

I bought this book used on Amazon at the recommendation of Christians for Biblical Equality, which is an egalitarian organization that Jeff and I are a part of. It is a truly phenomenal book. It came in the mail yesterday and I'm already halfway through it!

The key to this little gem is that it gets at the root of the problem, rather than offering another "six-step plan to transform your family" or the like. And, most importantly, it recognizes that the root is a spiritual one. Trying harder to fix your family isn't helping because it's part of the wrong system.

The basic thesis is this: In the garden of Eden, before sin entered the world, all was right with our relationships because we depended on God as the source of our wholeness and each other as resources. When sin entered the world, so did "The Curse," which has created a system of idolatry where everyone tries to control everyone else's behavior in order to meet their own needs. So instead of looking to God to meet our needs, we try to fashion the people around us into little gods that will do that. Following so far?

Here's the worst part: Christians are often no different. But instead of trying to get people to just do what we want blatantly, we tend to spiritualize it. Like a wife trying to get her husband to lead family devotions or a husband telling his wife to submit to his selfishness, or parents trying to get their children to do impressive things or behave in a certain way. Christian books on marriage and family are often filled with ways to try to control behavior without changing the heart.

But the "Grace-filled" family is different. The grace-filled family is based on a few root principles: First, that each person is responsible for him/herself, second that each person finds fullness and value in Jesus, and finally that love is given and not earned by behavior. So substance (how things really are) matters more than appearance (how things look).

When you think of it, it's a revolutionary concept for Christians to stop trying and start relying on God to be our source. But, theologically and psychologically, it totally makes sense. I've got highlighting on nearly every page already and this book has a permanent home on my bookshelf!

I'll update in the next review, but at this point this book gets 5 stars from me!

Who are you and what do you do?

Jeff and I at my school's Winter Concert -- my last hurrah as a music teacher, for now.

Ordinarily at this point I would be grieving my break and gearing up for school to start back up on Monday. It's weird that I'm not and it's giving me a strange identity crisis. I didn't expect to feel this way, since I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. But here I am, wondering who I am and what I do now that I'm not a teacher.

I spent a long time yesterday thinking about this, first realizing that I feel an internal need to defend my choice. Then I realized that the fear behind it is that I'm resigning from the world -- no longer contributing at all.

But (and earlier than usual, I might add!) I prayed and read my Bible and listened to God. I realized something important: What I will do now is the same thing I did last month, and last year and the same thing I will do next year. I will follow God's calling on my life and serve Him in whatever way He asks. I have no idea what that means as the road turns and changes, but I do know that I am called to raise this baby as my next step. So I will do the next right thing.

Bonus Post! One more thing....

Jeff called while I was in the middle of my last blog. I just have to memorialize the fact that that is the best moment of my day -- talking to the greatest husband in the world for 5 minutes on his break. Talk about gratitude....

New Year, New Stuff

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I haven't for years because I try to evaluate my life and change it far more often than every year. So this isn't that post. :)

I generally hate New Year's as a holiday. (For background, see previous post re: transitions....) Anyway, today is so different.

I woke up so grateful, so hopeful and optimistic. I could already feel the baby moving and I just stayed there and felt it, absorbed it, tried to appreciate it and wrap my mind around it. To feel this connected to a person that I don't really know yet is a strange gift and a truly unique experience.

Didn't think I would feel that way because an old fear has resurfaced for me in recent days. I've been worried that parenting will overwhelm us, bury our relationship and our spirits forever. I've worried that we're not up to the task, that we've been too naive about the whole thing by looking forward to it. The snickers from other parents, the "Silly new parents. They haven't got a clue what they're getting into" mentality.

But yesterday I was inspired by reading a very old friend's website about his little baby boy. He and his wife just seem to be beaming through the whole experience. Not "making it through," but loving every minute of it. In a flash I remembered why we chose to have a baby in the first place, how excited I am to fulfill a lifelong calling to help lead a family with my husband, and most importantly I remembered to have a little faith. A little faith in the God that called us to this, a little faith in the best husband in the entire world, and a little faith in our ability to lead a family.

So I'm going bravely, naively even, into the great unknown.

**Blowing noisemaker with a ridiculous smile on her face**

HAPPPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Baby Blessings

Sunday our friends and my mom threw us a beautiful "Baby Blessing." It was meaningful and beautiful in so many ways, and it reminded me of how we have just felt like we are riding a wave of blessings for this baby. I can't believe how blessed we've been with help and good wishes and hand-me-downs, and now this.

It was really special that Jeff and the guys were included. As it turns out, all the guys there were parents and it felt good to acknowledge the importance of that. We don't believe that Mom is "parent plus" and Dad is "parent minus." God made families unique -- everyone is important. It was so wonderful of our friends to support that. And it was the first time I've heard the words "catalytic converter" at a baby shower! It really added something.... ;)

The next wonderful surprise was all of the gifts. We did not register and, in the interest of voluntary simplicity, we asked that people please give second-hand gifts, homemade items and/or big bargains. Well our wonderful friends and family did an incredible job! We got so many beautiful, useful things. And there was a lot of thoughtfulness in terms of getting things that were environmentally conscious and/or natural. I could cry just thinking of how much thought people put in to getting things that we could really use. We truly, truly loved everything.

The things we will both remember forever, though, were the last two things that happened. First, they went around the circle and each gave a reason that they thought Jeff and I will be great parents. Lots of eyes got misty! It was so encouraging to hear all of that as we brave the adventure and transition to parenthood. Then they prayed for the baby, which was so meaningful and important to us.

So, to our amazing friends and family: THANK YOU!!!

Belated Christmas

This post has been rattling around in my head since well before Christmas, but I'm still afraid I won't be able to type what I want to say clearly. Here goes nothing....

Psalm 40:1-3
"1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD. "

Zephaniah 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Singing, I have learned, is a whole body experience. When I sing, I sing from head to toe, everything working together to produce one melody, one lyric. There's a purity to it that I think is unique. One can "fake soul" much easier when playing an instrument, but for a singer your soul is your instrument. So the idea that God would lift me out of the mire and give me a song to sing has always meant to me a whole new path, a new soul, a new meaning, a new everything in my life.

Few people have the opportunity to glimpse the lives they missed, but I had a very clear picture of where I was going when I was in the mire. I thought of this over and over this Christmas: What if Jesus had never come? What if there were no advent of a savior, not just in the world, but in my own pitiful life? It could have been so different.

I would be trapped by my own idolatry, in a marriage to an abuser that I worshipped dutifully, displacing God's love and calling at the center of my life. I would be alienated from my friends, I would continue to stomp on the loving support of my family without regard for everything they've given me. And I would have had a very different feeling, deep down inside, when I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test.

But God turned to me and heard my cry, and he brought me up out of the slimy pit and made my footsteps sure and now I sing a whole new song, mostly of gratitude. He came. He came. He really came to the nasty barns and the low class people like me who had sold themselves out for scraps of a life they wanted but couldn't see how to get.

He came and gave me a new song, a new path, a new soul, a whole new life. So my song has these lyrics: Nobody is ever too far gone. Our God is mighty to save.

Plans, Routines and Flexibility

Jeff and I had a wonderful little date last night. We drove like an hour away to go to IHOP and eat. It was really fun! It was also very sweet of him, because I love driving to nowhere in particular and he doesn't share that eccentricity. But we both had a great time!

We spent some time talking about what our priorities should be during this strange little limbo time. The baby could come at any minute, but we could also have 5-6 more weeks of pregnancy without me working. So it's a strange time.

If you know me, you know that transitions are not my strong suit. I grew up believing that drastic, painful changes were waiting around every corner, ready to pounce as soon as I became happy in my life. As an adult, it's still pretty difficult for me to deal with changes even if they're very good. But I think I'm improving and this is a good example!

I decided to make a little "workday" routine for myself that integrates my priorities for this time: Taking care of myself and the baby, taking care of the house, and trying to earn a little extra money (in that order!). Jeff helped with it and I feel much more calm about this particular transition now.

So today is my first day working it out and I think it's a good plan! It's not intended to be rigid, just a little routine to provide some security. It could only be for a few days, or it could be for weeks. But I'm excited about learning and growing and making a new strategy to compensate for an old pattern.

Transitions, and all that that entails

My mind has been so full that I need to put it "out there." What better place to put it than my secret blog? :)

Pregnancy is incredible. The process of becoming a mother is indescribable. In some ways my experience of pregnancy has been what I've been told about for years -- a million physical changes, some insensitive comments from people, lots of books and classes and decisions, losing sleep, etc. But the internal journey I've been on has been, for the most part, completely unexpected. Here are some of those pleasant surprises:

I have felt a deep and impenetrable peace. Many of my insecurities and fears have simply melted into the background, if they still exist at all. I don't worry much at all about what people think of me, I don't fear failure in small things like I used to, I just feel an overwhelming calm underlying my life. It's the most freeing feeling I've ever had.

I have had to delve into more internal struggles than I've ever had before. I've had to examine fears about motherhood, about my relationship with Jeff, about dreams and plans, everything. One of our values has been to do this "all the way," meaning that we dive in, rather than just sidestepping things that come up. It's wonderful. I've faced things I never thought I would face.

I've developed a solid trust of Jeff at a level we never had before. Pregnancy creates a dependency that I would not ordinarily be remotely comfortable with. I needed Jeff to make this baby, I need him to raise this baby, I need him to help me up and out of bed, I need him to appreciate the changes my body is going through, I need him to reassure me that we will be a team for the rest of our lives, no matter what. Sometimes I need him to be more patient than I deserve, sometimes I need him to help me get my shoes on or give a back rub. Pregnancy has been a trust fall of sorts, and the rewards have been great.

I've had to examine my values and beliefs from a different angle. I think all the time, as most expectant moms probably do, about what I want for my baby. It starts with the testing and worries and hoping for a "healthy baby," but for me it's progressed to asking myself a lot of questions about health and wholeness and what those are. I started out hoping we raise a child who can cook and change a tire, who is good with money and makes a good income, etc. Now I hope we have a child who can readily give and receive forgiveness, who can love deeply, who can identify dangerous relationships, who can accept and give grace, who can experience joy, and especially a child who pursues God with everything.

This is the job. This is the design. I knew I was called to motherhood, but I had no idea that there was a divine plan to make a mother out of me. I'm filled up by this pregnancy, nearly overflowing with gratitude and wonder and a clarity I've never had before.

Inspirations

Jeff and I are reading Zig Ziglar's book Better than Good; Creating a Life You Can't Wait to Live. The last chapter we read was on passion and the process of maintaining it. He made two points that hit home for me. The first was that everyone needs a mentor. The second was that inspiration fuels passion, so you must continue to seek out inspiration in order to keep your passion alive. I had never thought of it that way!

I made a document tonight with pictures of many people who have influenced me in various ways: as a musician, as a Christian, as a person, as a teacher, etc. I feel inspired already!

Here's the list so far:
Lorna Perpall
Rod Cathey
Robert Sage
Xander Koops
Dennis Royse
Ruth Meints
Eric Whitacre
Patricia Edwards
Corrie ten Boom
Dmitri Shostakovich
C. S. Lewis
John Ortberg
Mike Yaconelli
Amy Grant
Mister Rogers
Moses Hogan

Who's on your list? Mine is growing fast! I am so thankful to all of these individuals for their contributions to the world, and to my own life. Most of them probably have no idea. Some of them are (obviously) no longer in this world. But all of them have impacted me and shaped who I am in some way.

On to new old things

I decided I wanted to be a teacher at about the age of 9, as nearly as I can tell. Odd for a home schooled kid, but it was a passion and I pursued it. I planned on teaching English until I met Ms. Perpall, my high school choir teacher. She was amazing and inspiring and valued the work that I put into choir enough to give me a lot of opportunities. In a way, she saved my life. I had been in such a spiral before.... Anyway, I decided to teach music and off I went to college.

I got my first teaching job at the age of 21 and, other than a brief and painful stint as a claims adjuster, it's the only professional job I've ever had. And I love it.

So it was odd to come to summer this year with no plans to teach in the future. I had told my school that they should probably get a music teacher who could teach all year, and that I was only willing to teach through January. They hired someone. It was finished. I got a temp job in a local insurance office.

My school, however, called me in a panic to say that the music teacher they hired had decided on a different school at the last minute and asked if I could come back until I have the baby. First I freaked out, then I agreed. Now I'm excited. Putting off a career change for an extra five months sounds fabulous.

Here's hoping this is my best (half) year ever!