Book Review: The Macho Paradox

After reading this review in the journal of Christians for Biblical Equality, I had to go straight to the library and get this book. In the end, I was not disappointed. I've tried to write this review several times and failed because it's difficult to narrow down what I would like to say about this book. The whole of this book blew my mind. The pieces it connected were so familiar to me that I couldn't believe I'd missed the whole picture. And now the pieces are many and the whole picture is... difficult to describe.

One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Anna and the King." Jodi Foster's character is teaching school and she says, "Most people don't see the world as it is. They see it as they are." Unfortunately I don't think I can describe this book as it is, so I will have to describe it as I am.

Most people know that I was in a verbally/emotionally/sexually abusive relationship before I married Jeff. Because of my past, women regularly share their stories of abuse with me. And because of their sharing I have begun to realize the scope of the effects of men's violence against women. When I was younger I thought that physical violence against partners, molestation, incest and rape were rare. Now I know better. (To give you an idea of the scope, you probably know more victims and perpetrators of men's violence than you do left-handed people.)

I've also long known about the vast pornography industry, which is often referenced as "bigger than Hollywood." I had no idea, however, that pornography is mostly violent and getting more so all the time. Apparently what sells in porn is not simply sex, but men's sexual violence against women.

Finally, I've had years of experience with subtle sexism -- objectifying women, ignoring women, and "keeping women in their place" in and out of the church. I've been told my many a well-meaning Christian about how women are equal-but-not-equal, and as such are intended to have less decision-making power than men in church and at home. And media portrayals of women don't help the situation at all.

I had never put these three things -- men's violence against women, pornography, and subtle discrimination against women-- together. It makes sense, doesn't it? What do they all have in common? A low view of women. A view that women are essentially different than men in that they don't want or deserve respect and will willingly give it up to gain approval. A view that women exist for the benefit of men. In fact, statistically, men who believe in "traditional gender roles" are far more likely to view pornography on a regular basis, to believe rape myths such as "Every woman secretly wants to be raped" and "When a woman says no she really means yes," and to physically abuse their wives.

In The Macho Paradox, Jackson Katz puts together a clear and convincing picture of a society that subtly and not-so-subtly promotes men's violence against women. He demonstrates how our culture defines masculinity as inherrently violent and femininity as "less than" and weak. Is it any wonder that the United States is more dangerous for women than any other industrialized nation in the world?

The Alyssa Review gives The Macho Paradox five stars for opening my world to a reality I'd never recognized, and I give Jackson Katz all the kudos in the world for being a man brave enough to stand up for equality for women.

Definitely a must-read.

Book Review -- The Lord of the Rings

I spoke with someone I dearly love on Sunday and discovered that she's never read The Lord of the Rings.

Now Heaven knows that J. R. R. Tolkien does not need any nod from me, and this book has been reviewed and referenced a thousand times by people who are far more articulate and knowledgeable than me (most notably my hero, C.S. Lewis). But friends do not let friends go through life without reading The Lord of the Rings, so here we are.

The Lord of the Rings is fiction that tells the truth. Tolkien is well known for creating the world of Middle Earth -- filled with beautiful languages and cultures and careful histories seemingly passed down through songs and folklore. But in my opinion the brilliant beauty of this book is not in the world Tolkien masterfully constructs, but in the piercing truths he illuminates about our own world.

As she experiences the valor and cowardice of the characters in the book, the reader may find herself assessing her own life through the lens of that world. When the circumstances are stripped away the realities are the same.

If you have not read The Lord of the Rings, 2009 is your year. I learned more about the world and myself through this work of fiction than through any non-fiction book I've ever read besides the Bible. Go read it!

Book Review -- Honey for a Child's Heart

Honey for a Child's Heart

First, I must tell you the story of how I thought I discovered this book, and how I found that I'd really discovered it long ago.

I was discussing home schooling with our amazing midwife, Sue. The topic of great books came up. It turns out that one of our shared philosophies is that a key to a great education is a steady diet of great fiction from a very young age. A love for books is worth all the memorization of facts in the world. Sue recommended this book, which contains an annotated list of great books for ages 0-14 and a whole discussion of how to encourage your children to be avid readers of great literature. So I ordered it from Amazon.

Then I called my mom and raved about it, and she was almost in tears! She said, "You were raised on that book! I loved that book!" I instantly understood why the book lined up so well with my ideas about educating children -- it formed them!

Anyway, now that I've read the book I have to recommend it to all of you, my readers.

First, the qualifications of Gladys Hunt. As near as I can tell, she has no title or qualification other than the fact that she has done what very few parents can do -- developed her children into thoughtful, literate, creative adults who love great literature. Plus the love of literature has connected their family in a way that many parents wish for. This is a woman whose college-aged son came home one summer to tell his father, "I'm going to sell these books back, but before I do I thought you might want to read the passages I've marked." In another instance, her son copied the poem they were studying in his high school English class and brought it to her because he thought she would like it. Another one of her children told her that he was trying to remember where he got his deep value on living things and protecting the environment -- he decided it was from reading Lord of the Rings as a family. The bad guys destroyed things and the good guys grew things! Indeed, when they come to a part of nature that has been destroyed by human hands, someone in their family will often say, "The orcs have been here."

This book isn't just a list -- although the lists of reading material would be worth the price by themselves -- it's a guide to a way of nurturing children's souls through great books. Hunt includes chapters on fostering creativity, encouraging high values and connecting as a family. They are practical and inspirational. She even includes two lists -- ten ways to ensure your children will be non-readers and ten ways to encourage children to be readers! They are very clever.

So the Alyssa review gives this one five stars for sure! Happy reading!

You Are Special

From now on, if there's no post entitled "I'm in labor," just assume I'm not in labor yet. If I keep talking about it, I'll lose my mind. So I'm going to talk about something else! :)

I was extremely excited to find a board book version of You Are Special, by Max Lucado, for the baby. If you haven't been introduced to this book yet, you need to go find a copy! It's such a beautiful story about God's love for all of us, typical of the very gracious Mr. Lucado. And the illustrations are fabulous. The only thing I would wish for in this book would be a little more diverse set of Wemmicks. Next edition, maybe?

Rather than do a more traditional review on this one, I'll summarize the plot for you because the story itself is the beauty of the book for children and adults alike.

You see, a man named Eli has made little wooden people named the Wemmicks. The Wemmicks all have star stickers and dot stickers that they give each other based on how talented or interesting or beautiful they are -- stars are a sign of approval and dots are a sign of disapproval. And poor little Punchinello has a bunch of dots and no stars. But he runs into a Wemmick with no stars and no dots -- they just don't stick to her! When he asks her why, she says she it's because she goes to see Eli every day. So Punchinello gives it a shot. Eli tells him that he loves him, and that it doesn't matter what the other Wemmicks think. Punchinello is special because Eli made him. And when he understands that, his stickers won't stick either! He asks him to come to the shop to visit every day.

So this is a story that fits one of the most fundamental values of our family -- that we are special because Jesus loves us, not because of what people think of us or because of what we do. We've already read this story to Lilia several times and I hope that it becomes a favorite of hers as well!

What Kind of Family do You Have?

One of the greatest parts of Families Where Grace is in Place is a section containing two contrasting lists: Ten characteristics of "curse-full" (controlling) families and ten characteristics of Grace-full families. These lists provided excellent dinnertime conversation for Jeff and I as we talked about our families of origin and our new family. We even decided to put the "grace-full" list up on our wall. (We now post things pretty frequently, due to the excellent example of our friends the Esparzas.)

I decided a paraphrase of the lists would be a good idea to blog, but I'm going to contrast them on each point rather than making two separate lists. If you haven't picked up the book yet, I will tell you again that I can't recommend it enough!

So, how is your family doing?

1. Grace-full families affirm out loud. Curse-full families shame out loud. In a curse-full family, shaming is used as a means of control. In those families, the message sent to each other is that they don't measure up or that they should be different. In grace-full families, you may hear messages like, "I love you." "You are so capable." "I'm here for you if you need me." "I'm glad you're a boy/girl."

2. Grace-full families are people-oriented. Curse-full families are performance-oriented. That means in a grace-full family, love is not earned by doing anything. Again, in curse-full families, love is withheld as a means of controlling behavior.

3. Grace-full families have out-loud rules and expectations. Curse-full families have unspoken rules. So in a grace-full family, everyone knows the rules and expectations and it's okay to talk about them. In a curse-full family, you learn the unspoken rules when you break them, and if you talk about a problem you must have caused it.

4. In grace-full families, communication is clear and straight. In curse-full families messages are either "coded" or given through other people. His example is great here: "If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say, 'Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage' and then complain when people ignore and/or miss your coded message.

5. In grace-full families, God is the source. In curse-full families, idolatry is prevalent. In grace-full families everyone looks to God for their value, rather than looking to outward appearance, the approval of others, or the performance of other family members for validation in a curse-full family.

6. In grace-full families children are enjoyed where they are. In curse-full families children are given a hard time for age-appropriate behavior. "In shame-based families children musta ct like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-full families it's okay for them to act like kids."

7. In grace-full families everyone is responsible and accountable. Curse-full families are preoccupied with fault and blame. This is another case of control -- curse-full families use fault and blame as another means of exerting control, rather than viewing mistakes as valuable learning experiences for the kids and adults.

8. In grace-full families, "head skills" are used for learning. In curse-full families, "head skills" are used for defending. Rather than using "head skills" to keep from being shamed, grace-full families use them for learning.

9. In grace-full families, feelings are valid and useful. Curse-full families are weak on "heart skills." Grace-full families recognize that feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist. Curse-full families view them as wrong or irrelevant.

10. In grace-full families it's okay for the outside to match the inside. Curse-full families are filled with people who are empty on the inside but learn to act full on the outside. So in grace-full families it matters how things really are, but in curse-full families it only matters how things look.

So, does this give you enough to chew on?

BONUS POST! Book list.

Check the side of my blog. Your wish is my command -- I've added a list of my favorite non-fiction books as a start. These were just the ones off the top of my head, but I'll edit as I think of more. I love recommending books!!! Please feel free to request recommendations any time. :)

Book Review: Families Where Grace is in Place

I have a nasty habit of reviewing books while I'm in the middle of them because I get so excited. I'll probably post an updated review when I'm done.

I bought this book used on Amazon at the recommendation of Christians for Biblical Equality, which is an egalitarian organization that Jeff and I are a part of. It is a truly phenomenal book. It came in the mail yesterday and I'm already halfway through it!

The key to this little gem is that it gets at the root of the problem, rather than offering another "six-step plan to transform your family" or the like. And, most importantly, it recognizes that the root is a spiritual one. Trying harder to fix your family isn't helping because it's part of the wrong system.

The basic thesis is this: In the garden of Eden, before sin entered the world, all was right with our relationships because we depended on God as the source of our wholeness and each other as resources. When sin entered the world, so did "The Curse," which has created a system of idolatry where everyone tries to control everyone else's behavior in order to meet their own needs. So instead of looking to God to meet our needs, we try to fashion the people around us into little gods that will do that. Following so far?

Here's the worst part: Christians are often no different. But instead of trying to get people to just do what we want blatantly, we tend to spiritualize it. Like a wife trying to get her husband to lead family devotions or a husband telling his wife to submit to his selfishness, or parents trying to get their children to do impressive things or behave in a certain way. Christian books on marriage and family are often filled with ways to try to control behavior without changing the heart.

But the "Grace-filled" family is different. The grace-filled family is based on a few root principles: First, that each person is responsible for him/herself, second that each person finds fullness and value in Jesus, and finally that love is given and not earned by behavior. So substance (how things really are) matters more than appearance (how things look).

When you think of it, it's a revolutionary concept for Christians to stop trying and start relying on God to be our source. But, theologically and psychologically, it totally makes sense. I've got highlighting on nearly every page already and this book has a permanent home on my bookshelf!

I'll update in the next review, but at this point this book gets 5 stars from me!