Minus One

I miscarried yesterday. It was really, really sad. I had no idea how sad I would be when it was so early. My wonderful cousin said, "When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she starts to bond with that little baby. It doesn't matter how early." So true.

There's such a depth to the emotion going on inside of me that it seems strange to be able to summarize it by saying that I'm really sad, but that's what it is. Not really all too complicated, just big. And heavy. I don't feel good (it seems so wrong that it should make your body exhausted and achy to lose a baby! It feels like salt in the wound.), I'm tired, and I have waves of this big sadness at random times. Other times I feel completely fine.

Yesterday was a really, really bad day all around. Everyone I know seemed to be grieving some terrible news at the same time! But I was able to go to a friend's house who had lost her job about an hour before my miscarriage (I brought chocolate!), and we just cried together and felt better that we weren't alone.

So, as always, there's a blessing in the storm. I won't say there's a silver lining because nothing can make it okay to lose a baby, but God's whispered love seems to follow me into the valleys, no matter how dark they are. We will leave our life and our family in His hands today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Two Under Two

So.... There's going to be another baby in our family! Can you believe it? We're very excited! From what I can figure right now I think the due date should be May 31, 2010.

Yes, it was planned, but yes we're also nervous about having two babies at once. We're excited at the thought of them growing up to be best friends, but all that is after diapers and sleepless nights. Anyway, if anybody has two under two and would like to give us advice on getting through the first two years please feel free.

In Case I Forget -- Lilia

• She's alternating "tuh, "thuh" and "duh" sounds (very short -- not like they look in print!) now that she has top teeth. She thinks it's great fun to alternate doing them with Mommy or Daddy
• We swear she said "Mama" on purpose this week. Not possible, though, right? Too young? She was very fussy, Jeff was holding her and she looked directly at me with this adorable, pleading look and said, "Mmmmmammmmma!" Jeff and I looked at each other, shocked, and then dismissed it as an accident. Well, fifteen minutes later it happened again, just about exactly the same way. Now I don't know. Shall I choose to believe? ;)
• She's trying so very hard to crawl, but as she tries to focus hard on her destination she actually creeps slowly backward so that the harder she tries the farther away she gets from her goal. Does that sensation sound familiar to anyone else?
• She now basically stops fussing, no matter the problem, as soon as she sees one of us strapping on the Ergo. I love that thing, Daddy loves it, Lilia loves it. Definitely a winner.
• She likes rhyming books a lot. We're big fans of Dr. Seuss. Also Madeline.
• She would watch TV like crazy if we let her. I don't know how long her attention span would be because we've never come to the end of it, but it is eerily long.
• She studies everything, all the time. Her brain is working hard constantly.
• When you first put food in her mouth, she always gets a look of disgust on her face, regardless of the food, even if she likes it. We think it's what she looks like when she's working on chewing.
• She's getting way into squeaking now. Especially when nobody's paying attention to her. She's extremely social.
  

Blessings

Thursday morning I decided to start our day by thanking God for all the many blessings in our life -- our wonderful little family, our house we never thought we'd be able to buy, our family and friends outside of our walls, etc. I thanked God for something I've been grateful for for a long time -- that my sister, Erica, has found a place that she finally feels really comfortable and at home. (It's unfortunate that that place is so far away -- Edinburgh! -- but I'm so glad that she's finally happy that I don't care.) I also thanked God that she had found someone wonderful to share that place with. It was so fun to have them to visit and to see how happy they are together.

Well, later that morning I called my parents to check in with all of them (they were all in Yosemite together) and got the news that the happy couple is engaged! So "Uncle Badger" is really going to be Uncle Badger!

We're elated. Congratulations Erica and Adrian!

Up and Down in a Half-Changed World

Motherhood never ceases to amaze me in how different it is than I thought it would be. From the outside it can seem idyllic, quiet, simple. You see moms out and about looking mostly very happy, you get cute Christmas cards with smiling families on them. And people refer to having a family as "settling down," like a racehorse who goes out to stud -- just chilling out and reproducing from now on. Almost like some version of retirement. Things humming along with children laughing in the background.

Although opportunities of all kinds are open to women now, the view we pass on of parenting is still right out of a black-and-white television sitcom.

My sister told me about this article, which summarizes a study on stress and occupation. Apparently, at-home parents have higher levels of stress than any other profession they studied (including nursing, driving a cab, and trading on the stock market). Well, that's more like it. And I would imagine that parents who are working and parenting at the same time would experience similar levels of stress.

This is a cover-up that doesn't need to be. We need to accept, as a greater society, that parenting is very, very difficult. It is truly more difficult than any job I've ever had. Pretending that it's easy -- almost a leisure pursuit, really -- and part of a "quiet life" does a disservice both to those who are currently parenting and to those who are considering it. Parenting is a big deal. The stakes are high, the days are long, the decisions are critical, the pressure is sometimes overwhelming and the consequences are eternal. It is truly a life's work.

But the other side of this equation is that it has changed me so much more than I expected. It is my Everest. A daily marathon that shows me who I really am and brings me daily to my knees in a very good way. Would I want it to be easy, raising my daughter? While a selfish side of me whines about the difficulty, a very small and much wiser voice deep inside knows that this process is so much better, deeper, fuller than just a leisure pursuit or a shiny ad in a magazine.

I asked the Lord to change me and He sent me a child. I will never be the same.

All the Advice I've Ever Wanted to Give

I'm in a conundrum because as a new parent I know that one receives wayyyyy too much unrequested advice, but I also do love to share what's worked for me. So instead of giving advice to everyone I know with a baby coming I'm going to attempt to take it all out on my blog. If you don't want advice, please stop reading here.

• Develop a very thick skin. Someone told me "There's no way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a good one." That is true, but most people act like there's only one way: their way. If you can't let it go it will make you miserable.
  
• Do what it takes so that you are emotionally available during your child's infancy. Don't try to do so much that you miss this precious stage!
  
• Get a wrap or carrier that works for you and remember to use it. More than once I've had a rough morning with a fussy baby before remembering to wear her. It changes the whole tone of the day! Good for baby, good for parents.
• Prioritize your marriage. Do whatever it takes to continue to connect with your spouse. Make time for dates and fun, share dreams, and most importantly be completely honest with each other. Getting through a bit of tension is much better than building resentment long-term, so if you're frustrated say something.
• Connect with God. I don't believe that anyone can parent without God's help. And experiencing His grace on a daily basis is the only way I know to live at peace.
• Give yourself grace and space. You need sleep. You need a little bit of time to yourself. You need to take a shower. You need the room to screw up every now and again. Leave yourself off the list and you will lose yourself.
  

Okay, so that's it for now. I'm sure I will give more because I can't keep my mouth shut, but I'll think of it later. :)

An Evangelical Christian Response to Harry Potter

(If a handful of televised preachers can say that they speak for all of us, why can't I?)

I'm reading the Harry Potter series, again, for the I-don't-know-how-manyeth time. I'm nearing the end of book 5, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As it continues to challenge my faith and light up my imagination in new ways, I'm reminded of the controversy that once unnecessarily surrounded this series and my blood boils once again.

This delightful series was accused of influencing children toward evil, encouraging them to make poor choices and dragging them away from faith in God in favor of faith in magic. It could not have been more misunderstood. The magic is engaging and clever, but that's not what has kept me reading (and re-reading) the series. The characters, who feel like old friends, guide me through scenarios that force me to imagine what I would do if I had to choose, as each one of them eventually must, between what is right and what is easy. I must imagine whether I would choose faith in Dumbledore, who offers reckless second chances to dangerous people, or try to make my own way. Would I use fire to fight fire? Would the end justify the means? Would I save my own skin? Would I follow the authorities into unethical action? You must see that these themes cause people to grow, not shrink, their faith.

As events unfold, characters take every path. Some choose evil, some choose good, some choose denial, some choose power, some choose fear. It's the complexities that make this fictional story so very true.

So I am here to say, as a card-carrying Evangelical Christian, thank you J.K. Rowling. Thank you for Harry and Ron and Hermione and Hagrid and Dumbledore and the Weasleys and Dobby and all of the complicated choices that you've laid bare in such a beautiful way for me and everyone else who reads these books. Each time I read them I leave, not just entertained, but different. And even a little better, I think.

Perfect

It's a monsoon. Pouring rain, loud thunder, brilliant lightning. And me and my baby all cuddled up under a blanket, with her asleep on my chest.

Dear God, please make it last forever.

Time Flies

I can't believe my little baby is over 7 months old and weighs over 18 pounds! Sometimes something happens, some little thing, and I think I hope I remember that forever. I can't believe that this whole complicated little person is in my life. I used to be amazed by thinking about all her little parts, like the size of her smallest bone or everything it took to make her little fingers move. That still blows me away but I think a lot now about her personality -- all the little things that make Lilia who she is.

It's incredible to me that God lets us do this. We, who to put it politely have a long history of mostly screwing things up, get to make and grow and teach whole new little people. Can you believe that? When I think about the weight of it I'm totally awed. She is a person with preferences and ideas and character. She is a soul. I wish I had more words, different words, better words to express my thinking here. Today, at this hour, I understand why people get addicted to having kids. It's like making a comet or a star or a planet or an ocean, only more important. I will not feel this way in the moment that she's waking tonight and needing food and I remember the incredible personal cost involved in this process. But in this moment I feel like I could really get addicted to making people.

She still blows raspberries to communicate. It's one of the few things she can do on purpose "with" us. She does it in turns with us. She's totally delighted by it.

She lights up almost every time we look at her. Just because she loves us. Because we're that important. She really knows that life is about relationships.

She kicks her left foot when she tries to do nearly anything, but particularly when she's eating. It's for emphasis, I think. I really have no idea, but I love it.

She thinks hard about new people. No smiles, usually, for at least 15 minutes. She just stares like she's sizing them up. I would pay big money to know what she's thinking in those moments.

She needs shamelessly. In many ways, I find this to be her most endearing and inspiring trait. She doesn't strive for independence, but rests contentedly in her dependence on us for everything. And she assumes that if we don't give her something she needs we've misunderstood her. Her faith is that pure. Nothing could make me want to move mountains more.

She is such a talker. (I think she gets it from Jeff.) She's loud and expressive and careful in what she says, only nobody can understand yet. She squeaks and squeals too, which is my favorite.

She's starting to think really hard about crawling. She saw one of her friends doing it last week and it definitely sealed the deal in her head -- she wants it bad! But I think there's a bit of a perfectionist in her (also from Jeff, I'm certain....) and she only tries for a little bit before getting so frustrated with herself that she stops altogether. Gonna be a long road, little girl, if you don't have patience for yourself!

All of these things amaze me and I thank God for this job.