Kozy Carrier, I love you too!

I am seriously loving my new Kozy Mei Tai carrier. It's easy to use, it has a great pattern, it's lightweight and Lilia digs it. Good deal! It's also reversible and the other side is just plain tan, no pattern, so Jeff wears it as well.

People are always asking for comparisons and recommendations on the baby carriers that I have, so here's the deal:

Padded Sling:
--Basically I hate it. But it's the only thing I can consistently breastfeed in easily at the moment so I still have it.

Moby Wrap:
--Love it, love it!
--Very comfortable for newborns!
--Easy to get baby in and out of.
--Encourages her to sleep, so it's great if she's overtired.
--Hard to learn, takes a while to get it right.
--Good weight distribution.
--Warm.
--Really could use a pocket!

Ergo:
--Expensive and needs a $25 insert for babies under 3-4 months.
--GREAT weight distribution
--Easiest of all to put on (besides the sling that I hate)
--Dad-friendly appearance.
--Cool for summer
--Medium-sized front zipper pocket for keys, etc.

Mei Tai (I have a Kozy Carrier brand):
--Good weight distribution (although not AS good as the Ergo)
--Beautiful fabrics!
--Reversible, so it has a dad-friendly side
--Relatively easy to put on and get baby in.
--Little pocket is great for keys, etc.
--Very versatile -- front, back, side, small babies, big babies, etc.

So that's my experience with each carrier! Happy babywearing. :)

What Works

A million tidbits rattling around in my head.... Must pick one....

By way of follow-up to my last post, I've decided to declare my guiding values as a parent. (I know you're all just waiting with baited breath for this.) This is what I will try to come back to when I have important decisions to make or feel terrible about a decision I've already made or a day we've had.

1. I will remember that I am an unfit mother. Shocking, I know. But one of the most basic aspects of my faith is the recognition that I can't "do my life." I am not self-sufficient, despite my desire to be so. I am entirely dependent on God to run my life. When I start to pretend I can do it myself, bad things happen. So I need to start there when mothering: I need to start with my need for help from God and others.

2. I will do what works for us. Our family is unique. And, as our amazing midwife Sue told me at our last appointment, we are the parents that God chose for Lilia. We know who we are and how we work together as a family better than anyone else. So we will take some, leave some, try some and re-evaluate regularly.

2. I will try not to judge myself. A parent (especially a mother -- have you ever heard one dad judge another for his parenting style or choices?) could spend her life feeling guilty or worried about her choices. OR she could spend it enjoying her life and her family. I will make every effort to choose the latter and to avoid listening to voices that encourage the former.

On that note, in case anyone loves sharing ideas as much as I do, here is what's working for us:

--The Moby Wrap. I wear this thing nearly every day, often for hours, and I love it.
--The swing. We have a very "up" kid. She likes to be held nearly all the time. But I do occasionally need to get things done that I can't do with the Moby Wrap on. The only place we can really get her to take a good nap is the swing. We are very grateful.
--The "EASY" method. I got this from a friend who got it from a book. It basically recognizes a pattern wherein babies tend to eat, have a period of activity and then sleep (the Y is for "you time" which is cheesy, but EAS isn't a word.). It's not something we push her into -- it's a natural pattern that works great for us.
--Lists. Every Monday Jeff and I sit down and make goals for the week in list form on a white board on our fridge. For me, it helps me prioritize things for myself and narrow down what I can and can't do, plus it gives me a sense of accomplishment about the things I can get done in a week.
--Cloth diapering. I far, far prefer the grossness of washing diapers to the grossness of blowouts. We had regular blowouts when we tried out disposables, and basically none in the cloth. I really, really love the cloth diapers. They also make the best burp cloths for us. And we have a very... spit-uppy baby.
--Making time for ourselves. We tag-team a lot. Not just so we can both get showers, but also so we can clean the house, work out and have time to ourselves. Means the world to us.

Those are a few things that work for us. What works for you?

Not This and Not That

I have a secret: I felt completely unprepared to be a parent up to and including the day Lilia was born. A lot of the time I still feel like I have no skills related to parenting. This is funny because more than one person told me in previous years that they could picture me with kids and that I would be a "natural."

Which brings me to another secret: I'm not really a "natural" at anything. I cheat. I read every book in the world, or in the case of music I practiced my behind off to make up for my lack of natural talent.

So, when the prospect of parenting came along, I did what I do best: I cheated. I read all kinds of books, googled stuff, asked a lot of questions. And I found out that parenting is much more art than science, and that you can lose your mind among all the options.

I remember learning that reality when I first got pregnant. Jeff and I were trying to just rough out a budget so we could make a plan for buying baby stuff. Simple, right? I looked up "what you need for a newborn" thinking there would be a consensus (Yeah, right!). I found a wide world of decisions that required me to define my parenting style months before my child was born: cloth diapers or disposables, breast or bottle, wraps and slings or baby carriers and strollers, crib or cosleeper or (yikes!) in the parents' bed, Ezzo or Dr. Sears, etc. etc. etc. I remember feeling the tears creep in right in the middle of Babies R Us, as I felt more and more overwhelmed by the choices.

The onslaught hasn't really stopped. I meet more people every day who have one method or another and many who think I should adopt their method.

So, even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I've decided to wing it. That's right, I'm a "Wing It Parenting" person. I don't know where she will sleep when she's 9 months old, I don't know how long I will breastfeed, I don't know whether I'll use the stroller or the Moby Wrap when I go to the zoo next week. I don't know if I'll "put her on a schedule" in the future or when I'll start solids. I don't know if I'll get so annoyed with cloth diapers that I'll go to disposables.

This is my official declaration of independence from all the sources I usually trust: books, the internet, all of it. I will take their opinions into account when I make my own decision. I know I have very few skills related to parenting. I know I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm starting to suspect that "They" don't either.

So I'm going to love my daughter, get as much sleep as I can, have a good time, take a bunch of pictures and throw caution to the wind.

I just needed to put that in writing. Thanks for "listening."

"When I See Her Smile...."

There it is, kids! We finally got that smile in a picture, thanks to Lilia loving Miss Morgan so much that she stayed smiling for a long time.

Isn't it funny how, once your baby is smiling, any occupation besides trying to make them smile seems like a waste of time?

Priceless

It was so wonderful to have Meme and Papa come to visit this last week!

We have been looking forward to this since they told us they were planning a trip to see Lilia. I will treasure this photo of the three of them forever. Wonderful!

Is She Really Blogging About Them???

Most people who read this know me. And most people who know me know a few basic facts about me, including the fact that I was engaged to an abuser before I married Jeff and that I am a staunch egalitarian, as is Jeff. Thus the funny name and the equality in the household.

Anyway, I'm reading The Macho Paradox (by Jackson Katz) right now and it's making my head spin in a good way. I'll review it when I'm done, but in the meantime read a better review at the website for Christians for Biblical Equality.

In the book, Katz talks a lot about how the language we use frames the way we think, and that the language the media uses when discussing men's violence against women hides the truth about the subject. First, it frames each instance as an isolated event perpetrated by some uniquely deranged individual rather than as part of a pattern of men's violence against women. He uses O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson and Kobe Bryant as examples here. Second, it treats men's violence against women as a women's issue, rather than as a men's and women's issue. The focus in coverage of men's violence against women is often on the woman's experience of the violence, rather than on the man's responsibility for it. In extreme cases it even seems to transform the victim into the perpetrator and the perpetrator into the victim (such as calling Kobe Bryant's alleged victim his "accuser.").

All of this has made me interested in the coverage of Chris Brown's recent assault on Rihanna. For those of you who aren't obsessed with People.com, Chris Brown and Rihanna are two very popular singers. aged 19 and 21. He was recently arrested and is charged with assaulting her and threatening to kill her. Basically, from what I can gather from the statements, he beat the tar out of her (and an unscrupulous law enforcement official released the photo of her injuries!) and when she called for help he told her he was going to kill her. He released a statement expressing "sorrow and sadness" about what "transpired." Last week it was reported that they are reconciling.

So, what's the headline? Does it ask why he did it, or if he'll ever work again?

No, the coverage focuses nearly completely on her. I even read today that "she might be able to get him off the hook" if she refuses to testify against him, now that their "volatile relationship" is intact again!

Really?

We have a long way to go.

"Everything is amazing and nobody's happy"

I love this video.

Book Review -- The Lord of the Rings

I spoke with someone I dearly love on Sunday and discovered that she's never read The Lord of the Rings.

Now Heaven knows that J. R. R. Tolkien does not need any nod from me, and this book has been reviewed and referenced a thousand times by people who are far more articulate and knowledgeable than me (most notably my hero, C.S. Lewis). But friends do not let friends go through life without reading The Lord of the Rings, so here we are.

The Lord of the Rings is fiction that tells the truth. Tolkien is well known for creating the world of Middle Earth -- filled with beautiful languages and cultures and careful histories seemingly passed down through songs and folklore. But in my opinion the brilliant beauty of this book is not in the world Tolkien masterfully constructs, but in the piercing truths he illuminates about our own world.

As she experiences the valor and cowardice of the characters in the book, the reader may find herself assessing her own life through the lens of that world. When the circumstances are stripped away the realities are the same.

If you have not read The Lord of the Rings, 2009 is your year. I learned more about the world and myself through this work of fiction than through any non-fiction book I've ever read besides the Bible. Go read it!

Grace for Mama

"Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things"

--U2

Yesterday I started to realize I've already got "Mommy guilt" creeping in. It was a little unsettling to notice it for the first time, as I've worked hard to steel myself against all the unsolicited advice and internal nagging. But there they were, little bitty voices whispering Why couldn't you tell what she needed then? You're letting Jeff do too much when he's still working! Are you sure it's okay to put her down now? What would _____ say about this? You have no idea what you're doing! Are you ever going to get back in shape? Is that car still too warm? How can you feel overwhelmed or frustrated when you should be appreciating every minute of this? You forgot _____. And more, and more, and more.

The sermon at our church was on emotional baggage yesterday and there I was, making my own! But I was really struck by the last song we sang together, the chorus of which says, "Your grace is enough."

I have spent the majority of my adult life learning that God has enough grace for me as a person. Enough grace for my inadequacy, enough grace for my bad choices, enough grace for my exhaustion, etc. And also that I am incapable of managing my own life. I need Him to run my life because when I run it myself, I run it right into the ground. (See this post for more on what happens when I try to run my own life.) But His grace has made my life so beautiful.

So now I have to ask myself this question: Do I really believe that God has enough grace for me as a mother? Have I really learned that I can't do it on my own?

Yesterday I kept repeating to myself, "Alyssa, there's enough grace for you." I think I'm going to need to stew on that for a while.