Rhythms

I have come to be a big believer in having some regular rhythms in our family's life. I remember a pastor named Ray Johnston saying "The key to your future is hidden in your daily habits." It has proven completely true in my life for sure. It's not what we say we value or even what we think we value that seems to change us in the end, but what we do regularly, almost unconsciously.

I'm keenly aware that I'm shaped by all of these little things. It matters whether I eat breakfast, take a walk, pray, read to my baby, sing. So Jeff and I have decided to take stock again of our daily habits and routines to see whether they line up with what we want for our family.

I'm a big fan of not making sweeping changes to my life very often because they nearly never stick, so in these cases I tend to come away with one thing that I want to change permanently. I'm excited to see what that will be!

Exhaustion, Rest and Strategizing

First -- Who needs a thesaurus? I do! I do! Count how many times I used the word "crazy" in my last post for bonus points....

Second -- The reason I used "crazy" so many times is that life with an infant is just that. Insane, out-of-hand, daft, delirious, ape, nutty, unbalanced and all the other synonyms I can find via Google. It's also extremely gratifying (delightful, enjoyable, pleasant, pleasing.... oh wait, I've gone too far.). It's so strange to imagine that this person did not exist in the world before and that I am influencing her every day. That she loves me even though she can't tell me yet and that I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone are concepts I haven't begun to grasp. Profound doesn't begin to cover the reality of building a family with someone.

But back to crazy. It is so very easy to lose oneself and one's marriage in the fray when there's a baby involved. You're living from feeding to feeding, diaper to diaper and not sleeping enough. Add to that we've been painting and unpacking and you have a life on the edge of sanity. So you can imagine our glee when my parents offered to take the baby overnight so that we could have a little getaway. It was incredible! First we saw the movie "Julie and Julia" (very good, very us), and then we stayed at the glorious Intercontinental Montelucia Resort for a song off of Hotwire. It was the most romantic, totally luxurious hotel I've ever been to and that 24 hours was like water for our souls. We totally unwound.

We also realized that we need to do a better job of taking care of ourselves on a regular basis. First order of business? Food. No more eating haphazardly. We decided to trade off nights and actually make ourselves a good dinner. That has been lovely. We also decided to have people over every other Sunday for dinner and have a date night on the opposite Sunday. Here's hoping that we can not just survive this period but really drink in every moment of it!

A Study in Contrasts

So tonight my brain is in three places.

1. I'm currently watching a FABULOUS episode of the Colbert Report. He's in Iraq. It's freaking hilarious. I particularly like his logo, which includes the word "veritasiness."

2. I'm rereading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, which is as wonderful as the first time I read it. If you haven't had the pleasure of reading this engaging series, allow me to be the 457th person to recommend it to you....

3. I'm getting extremely excited about Monvee. Most of you who know is know that Jeff and I LOVE John Ortberg. We often joke about calling him on the phone and asking him to mentor us. If you haven't read any of his books, we highly recommend them. Particularly The Life You've Always Wanted. Anyway, I think Monvee is turning out to be the closest one can get to being personally mentored by Ortberg. I'm working with the leadership team at our church on spiritual formation and I'm recommending this program! I would love to know what you all think.

Finding a Tribe

When Jeff and I were first married our friends were pretty much the same friends we'd always had. Jeff met most of them before high school (one in third grade!) and I was graciously grafted as though I were native to the tree. We are still friends and they are accepting, loving people. It's wonderful to go through life stages together and see each other on vacations.

When we moved to Arizona, we were blessed with a fabulous church and an INCREDIBLE life group. They are honest and deep and caring. We often wonder what we would do without them.

Now that I'm living on baby time and we are living in a different part of town, I'm learning that every momma needs a tribe! And that tribe really needs to be down the street, not a ways up the freeway.

Old friends feel great. And it's especially great to see that we really don't lose friends, we just get new ones! But making new friends makes me a little nervous....

It's scary to have a need. Ever noticed that? It breaks the "I'm fine" rule, which is a very important rule in a lot of circles. Especially in our country. Everyone is an island, or wants to be. But islands are lonely people. And to say, "I'm lonely" is very scary for a lot of people. It brings up memories of junior high lunchrooms, doesn't it? But closeness is created when we share our needs and allow others to meet them. And God gave us loneliness so we would make friends and families! It's a good, normal thing. So today I looked up playgroups, stroller strides groups and MOPS groups. And I felt so encouraged. Here's to finding a tribe!

New Haircut

So I got very tired of wiping spit-up out of my hair and getting it pulled when it was used as leverage for standing. So I went to our girl at the Toni and Guy Academy and had it chopped!

I love it. The only thing is that now I have to get my ears pierced to go with it, because that will be perfect. It's fun, it's light, it's easy and it's a LOT cooler than the other way. You still can't see it super well in these pictures, but I was on my own and it's night time.

I feel like a new woman. Isn't it amazing what a great haircut can do for you?

A Pretty Good Week

I'm always a little proud of myself for making it to Saturday, which is Jeff's last day of work for the week and therefore mine. Most weeks I limp to the finish line and feel a little disappointed. Sometimes I wish I were one of those moms. Do you know what I mean? The moms who have it all together with dinner on the table and the house clean and the kids happy? And they never wear their sweats, unless they're going to the gym, which they do like 5 days a week.

But enough about those moms, because this is not one of those weeks for me. This week has been so much better because it hasn't been about trying to have it all together. This week has been about learning to give up, and it has been glorious. I've tried many plans to pull myself together, but failing and giving up is an idea I can really get behind. I'm starting to feel like the french frogs in the movie "Ratatouille." They're supposed to be sophisticated troops, but they surrender at the drop of a hat. Someone give me a white flag because I am on board with that!

Quick Bonus Tidbit -- one more thing to be thankful for

I just read this article on MSN and it made me smile a little. The title is "Sexy Rich People: You Should Feel Bad For Them." It summarizes a study of recent college graduates (psychologically surveyed at one and two years after graduation) with some surprising findings. A few highlights:

• The people who were making the most money and were happiest with how they look showed the most signs of depression and anxiety
• The people who had the highest quality relationships and volunteered in their community were the happiest

Every once in a while I imagine myself in the shoes of, say, Reese Witherspoon (who I adore, by the way). First I think it's nice to have a lot of money and people looking up to me, but then I think how much I miss just going to the grocery store in sweats with no make-up, or walking in the park with my dog, or knowing who my real friends are with certainty. Than I thank God that nobody knows my name unless they know me, and that I don't have paparazzi following me and that people don't have expectations about how I should look or act. And I think that there are so many wealthy and famous people who spend their whole lives going after what I have and never finding it: a deep sense of purpose in my life, peace with who I am and with God's love for me, a husband whose love is true and real and daily, a healthy happy baby, and family and friends who know me inside and out and love me deeply.

I am so rich and famous! Yes, I struggle, but I'm even blessed that I can do that so openly and have faith that my friends won't try to judge me or fix me. Thank you Lord for my life!

Progress!

One of the things that has always amazed me about human beings is our lack of perspective. We think things will always be exactly as they are now, whether that is good or bad. We also think we are all average -- that most people are a lot like us. We have this interesting way of looking at things that is limited by our location.

But today God graced me with something I desperately needed but didn't ask for: a slightly broader perspective. I was thinking back about the whole struggle to take care of myself and to get sleep. There was a moment there when I truly thought that motherhood was simply too much for me (looking back, I think that moment was the turning point -- giving up was, as it always is, the beginning) and I didn't know what to do. Today is a much better day. We've gotten to where Miss Lilia will take naps in her co-sleeper (used to only take them on my person in some babywearing device), I am in my own routine that helps me sleep better and also feel better on a daily basis, Jeff and I are in a much better groove of communication. We don't have hours-long crying spells anymore, we haven't had thrush in a month, life is much better than it was.

And we are so very blessed and so, very, happy.

Here is my favorite memory from today:

Surfing

I Corinthians 5:16-17
¹⁶ So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! ¹⁷ This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

Last night was another one of those nights where Lilia ate about every one to two hours. It was crazy, but interestingly I was not. I think, I'm not sure but I really think, that I have grown a little bit.

I've always said that that hardest thing I've ever learned is that life is just a little harder than I thought it was going to be -- I learned that when I was about 19. But the BEST thing that I've ever learned is that I can be changed and grow and be better tomorrow than I am today. I'm starting to learn that I can't change myself, but that God can change me as I turn more and more things over to Him.

Well, this morning in my deep exhaustion, I prayed! Not just felt sorry for myself, not just hated getting no sleep, but also prayed! Me! And I feel a lot of things, but overwhelmed is not one of them.

Ah, a little growth. Praise God.

Grace for Mama

"Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear her strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things"

--U2

Yesterday I started to realize I've already got "Mommy guilt" creeping in. It was a little unsettling to notice it for the first time, as I've worked hard to steel myself against all the unsolicited advice and internal nagging. But there they were, little bitty voices whispering Why couldn't you tell what she needed then? You're letting Jeff do too much when he's still working! Are you sure it's okay to put her down now? What would _____ say about this? You have no idea what you're doing! Are you ever going to get back in shape? Is that car still too warm? How can you feel overwhelmed or frustrated when you should be appreciating every minute of this? You forgot _____. And more, and more, and more.

The sermon at our church was on emotional baggage yesterday and there I was, making my own! But I was really struck by the last song we sang together, the chorus of which says, "Your grace is enough."

I have spent the majority of my adult life learning that God has enough grace for me as a person. Enough grace for my inadequacy, enough grace for my bad choices, enough grace for my exhaustion, etc. And also that I am incapable of managing my own life. I need Him to run my life because when I run it myself, I run it right into the ground. (See this post for more on what happens when I try to run my own life.) But His grace has made my life so beautiful.

So now I have to ask myself this question: Do I really believe that God has enough grace for me as a mother? Have I really learned that I can't do it on my own?

Yesterday I kept repeating to myself, "Alyssa, there's enough grace for you." I think I'm going to need to stew on that for a while.

Scars, Stretch Marks, Body Image and Gender

I'm doing silly things like weighing myself and looking in the mirror. Foolish, I know, only 3 weeks after labor. But there it is. This morning I tried on my favorite black jacket. It didn't fit.

I started to develop some very negative feelings about my body and, thus, myself.

Then I thought again.

If we're honest, we admit that men are mostly valued for what they do and women for how they look. I think that's why a man with scars and a weathered face looks ruggedly handsome -- because it says he faced something difficult and came out of it on top. His body is tough! A woman with similar features would not be received the same way. In fact, women's bodies and faces are more highly valued if they look like they've been through nothing at all -- just look at the obsession with anti-aging products!

But today, as I reconsidered my negative impression of my post-baby body, I was struck by what it has done. This body nurtured a whole separate person for the better part of a year. In order to do that, it had to make some changes that seem, in retrospect, nothing short of heroic. Its abdominal muscles separated, without tearing, to make room for its uterus to grow to something like 15 times its original size. Its blood volume doubled. Its ligaments loosened. It even created an organ to feed the baby that only exists during pregnancy! It sustained itself and the baby through a very long labor and then went through more amazing changes to give birth. In fact, there's still a lot of mystery surrounding what triggers labor but my body just did it, without being told.

Now it passes on every antibody it develops to the baby through breast milk within 6 hours. It creates an appropriate amount of milk, balanced in calories, fat, and nutrients for my own baby. It releases hormones when I feed that tell the uterus to shrink back, and tell me to hold and love the baby. All of this and it can still walk and run and stretch and cook!

My body has done all of this and it has the stretch marks and scars to prove it. So, I'm going to make a commitment to have some respect for my "ruggedly beautiful" body. I will not disrespect it by insulting the size or shape of my belly, hips or thighs. I will exercise it and put lotion on it and feed it well because it faced something difficult and came out on top.

I will even put something in print that I've never said before:

I have a great body.

Anyone want to say it with me?

"Well, excited AND scared..."

(Title is a reference to "Into the Woods" if you're trying to place it!)

I feel that I've spent at least the last 2-4 months trying to create an accurate picture in my head of what it will be like to have a little baby in this apartment, and then a toddler (and probably another little baby... or 3!), and then kids, etc.... Anyone who knows me knows that one of my most defining character traits is the deep desire to know what will come next and to be well-prepared for it. It's like I was a boy scout on steroids in a former life. As you can imagine, this particular trait becomes a major source of frustration in my life, because the future is a tricky thing. Life doesn't always go as planned, does it?

Of course you can prepare for a baby, but you can't prepare. How will I feel? What will I think when I look at her? How will it change my relationship with Jeff? What will my days look like? What will the nights look like? Will she have my outgoing personality, or her father's gentle spirit? Will she share our love for stories and food and our dislike for television as she gets older? Will she hate me when she's a teenager?

I'm excited to meet and get to know our little Lilia, but I have no idea what to expect. I'm so jealous of Jeff, who absolutely loves not knowing what to expect. But alas, I hate blind corners.

Apparently, God does not.

Here's to embracing the unknown!

I Surrender... All?

This last Sunday at church was pretty intense. The message series is all about giving up the idolatry of consumerism in favor of a simpler, more peaceful financial life. I would say it's obviously a well-timed message, although in the B-D household we've really worked hard at that for several years already. It was incredible to see how it hit people.

Jesus said, "You can't serve God and money" but I think most of us who have spent time "serving money" didn't know it at the time. You go out to dinner and a movie because you deserve it or it's someone's birthday and you feel bad, you put it on a credit card. Your car breaks down and you suddenly realize you should've had an emergency fund, but you didn't so you either put it on a credit card or, far worse, get all emotional and go finance another car because you "need something reliable." Suddenly you get this sick feeling when you open your credit card bill and you have no idea how you'll get out of it. You're worrying about money 24/7, calling your bank to see how close to zero your account is hovering, working just to pay for yesterday's purchases. You are truly serving money. And you don't even know how you got there.

In the category of "bottom line," one of my favorite truths is that Christianity is not about trying, it's about giving up. But (especially in our society) it's sometimes hard to see what you're holding on to! We we sang a song about surrender after the message, I realized that I have some surrendering to do that is not financial.

I've been really having a rough time with the situation of losing Jeff's family leave time as we go farther and farther past the due date with Lilia. We've tried every natural way to induce labor that we've heard of, prayed like crazy, and worried a lot. Well, especially me. I feel like a really good wife would move Heaven and Earth to find a way to get this baby out so she can spend important bonding time with her daddy.

But this isn't about trying harder, it's about giving up. God knows everything about Jeff's leave and his new position, our timing, my body and Lilia's. And in His infinite wisdom he has chosen a time for her debut that is not now. So I continue to work on surrendering all....

Marriage, Illness, Donuts and Dependency

Yesterday was definitely a sick day. Sore throat, achy body, fatigue, just a general feeling of YUCK. I slept and watched movies for nearly the entire day.

Jeff was very concerned and called on his break to say, "Don't do ANYTHING today, okay? That means no dishes, no cleaning, nothing." He also came home to a white board full of things I was requesting that he pick up (including a prescription, toilet paper and donuts!), and a wife who was having trouble reaching the remote on the coffee table from the couch. He was such a trooper. He just went right back out after work with his list. He was so tired last night that he fell asleep on the couch in his dress clothes!

In these kinds of situations, Jeff has taught me so much about healthy interdependence. It's been very hard for me to learn that it's okay to need and accept help. Now I'm learning the next piece of the puzzle -- it's not just okay, it's good. It's how we build relationships based on trust, both with people and with God.

So last night I sat with the husband God gave me on the couch, wrapped myself up, and ate my donut. It tasted so sweet.

Zephaniah 3:17

Since reading The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg, I've seen Bible memorization in a completely new way. I used to see it as putting some Great Verse in my back pocket in order to pull it out someday, when applicable. Sort of a Sunday School pin mentality.

Now I am memorizing more slowly and meditating on each line of the verse, and choosing a verse that speaks to me right now. It's been an incredible spiritual experience.

I've been working on Zephaniah 3:17 for about a week, but yesterday it "blew up" for me in a completely new way. Until yesterday, I'd been really focusing on accepting God's love in this verse for myself as I go bravely into the unknown. That's still true, but after reading Families Where Grace is in Place and learning a lot about infant attachment, I'm seeing this verse a little differently.

The greatest job of a parent, I think I'm beginning to understand, is to be a model of God's love. We learn to love when God loves us, we learn to forgive when God forgives us, we learn about grace and parenting and guidance all because of Him, parenting us. Well, I think this verse may become my "life parenting verse." It's not just about how God is parenting me -- being with me, being capable of meeting my needs, taking delight in me, rejoicing over me. I'm wondering if it's about my job, too, as a parent. No, I can't be my kids' god, but I can be a picture of the God who's already given Himself for me. I can be the one who is with them, on their side, delighting in them, rejoicing over them and showing them that God does the same.

What a job.

Who are you and what do you do?

Jeff and I at my school's Winter Concert -- my last hurrah as a music teacher, for now.

Ordinarily at this point I would be grieving my break and gearing up for school to start back up on Monday. It's weird that I'm not and it's giving me a strange identity crisis. I didn't expect to feel this way, since I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. But here I am, wondering who I am and what I do now that I'm not a teacher.

I spent a long time yesterday thinking about this, first realizing that I feel an internal need to defend my choice. Then I realized that the fear behind it is that I'm resigning from the world -- no longer contributing at all.

But (and earlier than usual, I might add!) I prayed and read my Bible and listened to God. I realized something important: What I will do now is the same thing I did last month, and last year and the same thing I will do next year. I will follow God's calling on my life and serve Him in whatever way He asks. I have no idea what that means as the road turns and changes, but I do know that I am called to raise this baby as my next step. So I will do the next right thing.

Plans, Routines and Flexibility

Jeff and I had a wonderful little date last night. We drove like an hour away to go to IHOP and eat. It was really fun! It was also very sweet of him, because I love driving to nowhere in particular and he doesn't share that eccentricity. But we both had a great time!

We spent some time talking about what our priorities should be during this strange little limbo time. The baby could come at any minute, but we could also have 5-6 more weeks of pregnancy without me working. So it's a strange time.

If you know me, you know that transitions are not my strong suit. I grew up believing that drastic, painful changes were waiting around every corner, ready to pounce as soon as I became happy in my life. As an adult, it's still pretty difficult for me to deal with changes even if they're very good. But I think I'm improving and this is a good example!

I decided to make a little "workday" routine for myself that integrates my priorities for this time: Taking care of myself and the baby, taking care of the house, and trying to earn a little extra money (in that order!). Jeff helped with it and I feel much more calm about this particular transition now.

So today is my first day working it out and I think it's a good plan! It's not intended to be rigid, just a little routine to provide some security. It could only be for a few days, or it could be for weeks. But I'm excited about learning and growing and making a new strategy to compensate for an old pattern.