Marriage Mysteries

A friend of mine recently sent me a very interesting review from the New Yorker about Elizabeth Gilbert's (Eat, Pray Love) new memoir, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. It was a lot to chew on and this blog has been rolling around in my head since I read it.

Marriage is a tough issue for someone like me, who often walks a narrow way between various party lines. I'm an egalitarian, a Christian, a thinker, a hopeless romantic, an independent woman, a stay-at-home mom. Things like marriage can be difficult to reconcile because, although I want desperately to believe in it, marriage has a lot of strikes against it. The article I referenced does a great job of outlining them: First there's its less-than-romantic history as a business deal along the lines of the slave trade. Then there's the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance." That's the worst part for me. Here's a quote from Gilbert's book included in the article:

Married men live longer than single men; . . . married men accumulate more wealth than single men; married men are far less likely to die a violent death than single men; married men report themselves to be much happier than single men; and married men suffer less from alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression than do single men.

And a summary of the female side of the equation:

Yet married women are more likely to suffer from depression than single women are. According to Gilbert, married women are not as successful in their careers as single women. Married women are arguably less healthy than single women. Married women, until recently, were more likely to die a violent death than single women—usually, at the hands of their own husbands.

Well, that's cheery for us married girls. Less happy, less successful, more likely to be depressed, less healthy, more likely to be murdered....

Is there any hope for the institution of marriage? I believe there is. I think the crux of the issue is when and how you think marriage began. Is it, in fact "a relic from a time when we needed an arrangement to manage property and reproduction and, crucially, to establish kinships for purposes of defense: safety in numbers."? I believe the history of marriage is older and richer than that. And I believe that it predates sexism. I believe marriage is as old as humanity, was intended to reflect God Himself, and has become as corrupt as all of humankind.

It is error both on the side of feminists and traditionalists to believe that marriage is intended to make women less and men more. I feel strongly that God intended marriage to be freeing, mysterious and even humbling to both parties involved. In my study of the subject I have come to discover that God meant marriage to overcome our desire to control one another, and instead to learn to inspire one another, support one another, lift each other up and even serve one another. I've often heard the argument that "every ship has to have a captain," but I believe marriage was intended to prove that idea wrong in itself -- to help us understand that we don't have to be the captain of the ship! That every game need not have a winner and a loser, but that we can raise each other up to great heights when we let go of our need to be in charge of each other, or to know who has the final say.

I was speaking with my sister, who is getting married this year, about losing your trump card. You give a person a lot of power in your life when you relinquish the power to leave them and choose another. And I agree wholeheartedly that that power is often abused to the detriment of women. But it can also be the beginning of something beautiful: of loving someone because you want to, and not out of fear that they will leave or choose someone else.

My own marriage has been one of the most profound learning experiences of my life. As Jeff and I have come to enter each other's private worlds as no one has before, we have discovered a depth of trust that we've never achieved with anyone else. No one has ever been on my side the way Jeff is. He loves me and challenges me and inspires me and serves me even when he has nothing to gain at all, not even under the threat of losing me. It's a profound love that walks through the mundane with a person day after day. And if we never learn to walk beside each other without "taking charge," we miss the entire point.

What Are You Doing?

I've recently been reminded of an interview I saw years ago. It was before I had Lilia, but it has a major impact on me as a mother. The interview was with Maria Shriver and she was talking about her parents. She talked about how her father, Sargent Shriver, had asked all his children frequently, "What are you doing?" By that he meant, "What are you doing for the world? How are you improving it?" And he took that quite seriously, making great strides in all kinds of charities. His wife, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, had a deep and lasting impact in the world on behalf of disabled people and others. Maria recalled that Eunice would put pictures on the wall of children who were disabled so that her own children would think about them often and think of ways to help them. She also served cereal for dinner each Thursday night and explained to her children that she was sending the money they saved to those less fortunate than themselves.

Now that is doing something! Changing the world as a person and inspiring your children as a parent at the same time. What a wonderful example.

Lately I've been seeing nothing but pictures of Haiti on news websites and reading stories of those who have been impacted by their earthquake. I can't get the voice out of my head that says, "What are you doing?"

A Successful Trip!

We just got back from a road trip to California that was far more successful than it had any right to be. I was a little worried, to be honest, because the last time we went was pretty rough. Lilia was just NOT up for it and basically clung to me the entire time. But this time she was great! She spent her time entertaining everyone and just generally enjoying all the attention. We stayed with Jeff's folks and also got to see about a million friends and family members.

Kudos to my mom for being the first to actually upload her photos so I'll start with those! Hopefully I'll get mine done soon and also get the ones from other family members. A good time was had by all.



Love this one of Meme and Lilia!!!!



Lilia had an early first birthday party with my side, shared with Grandpa Brooks. Not his first birthday.... :)
Loving cake.


Daddy cleaning her up after cake. I love this one! As usual, she got it in her hair.

I can't believe she's almost a year old. We are so blessed by her every single day. I just pray, "Lord let me be an arrow that points my kids right to Your grace and love."

Chores and Other Challenges

Today was a really hard day for me. First, I wanted to get things done which, to be honest, is never a good way for me to start my day. If I get things done then great, but on Jeff's work days it's better for me to just focus on being a parent and taking care of myself and Lilia. Making a to-do list is setting myself up for failure!

Anyway, I had one of those days where everything is difficult and nothing goes as planned and I'm tired and frustrated. But the great news is that I called a friend and was able to talk it all out and felt much better about all of it.

Now I have to pack for our big road trip on Wednesday! Thank God Jeff's home tomorrow.

Mom Encouragement

Some things about being a mom I knew about before. Some I sort of guessed. And some I did not see coming.

One thing that falls into that last category is the lack of respect from the culture as a whole for parents, and especially mothers, and the work they do. It comes out in lots of ways but the big two that I see are minimizing the work of stay-at-home parents (are you just a stay-at-home parent? Don't you have a degree or a profession? Don't you want to get out of the house? etc.) and criticizing other people's parenting choices or styles (What are you feeding him???? Don't you have her on a schedule yet? You are a slave to that schedule, lighten up! You stopped nursing? You don't hold him enough! You hold him too much, he'll be spoiled....).

So in the end it's very easy for a new mom to get a one-two punch of a message that can take the wind out of her sails in two seconds flat: What you do is totally unimportant, and you're doing it wrong. How's that for validation and encouragement in the most difficult and important job you'll ever do in your life?

So many moms just need someone to say Wow, you're doing a great job and changing your child's life forever. Thank you! So here I go.

• I know of few professions that require so many separate skills and tasks from one person as being a stay-at-home parent. You need to become an expert in nutrition, psychology, education and time-management, to name a few. It's not a no-brainer!
  
• Being a parent is more physically taxing than any job I've ever had. There are no sick days or vacation time, and you can't go into a room by yourself or slow down when you're having a bad day. You have to do this important work at your best and your worst.
• The greatest necessity in most careers is skill. You learn how to drill or make certain decisions or whatever you do. But to be a parent the greatest necessity is character. You must show your child an example every day, again no matter how you feel on that given day, and you must love them with your actions all the time. Character is much, much harder to develop than skill.
  
• Most jobs have at least a few "quick wins." You get a review or a raise, complete a project, etc., and you feel great. Parenting has nearly none. You invest, and invest, and invest. And then later on you see how you did. It's like a 20-year project!
• Study after study shows that no matter how we complain about the influence of poor schools, peer pressure and television there is no one in the world who impacts a child more than his/her parents. Children who age out of foster care (who have no parents or whose parents are too dysfunctional to raise them) are significantly less likely to graduate from high school and college and significantly more likely to need public assistance, have children outside of marriage, have marital problems, commit crimes, be victims of crimes, live in poverty and have mental health problems. That is the difference a parent makes.
  

I'll have more to say on this in another post, I'm sure. But for now let me say to all the parents out there that what you do is exceedingly important. You may not know how important for years, but you are building something to really last. Thank you.

What I Don't Want to Forget

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The other night I was sitting with Lilia on the little love seat in her room, snuggled up and reading her a story. As I read it I was running my fingers through her hair. I felt a sudden rush that was equal parts gratitude and grief as it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of those moments in life that sneaks up on you and changes your soul a little. An everyday moment that is suddenly life changing. Soon she will have big-girl hair rather than the silky, spun gold that she has now and I think I might grieve her baby hair for the rest of my life.

Her hair is perfect. I mean, really perfect. It's flawlessly soft and smooth and there are at least three colors in it, which change in sunlight. Last week our pastor was admiring her and said, "Oh look, her hair has some strawberry blonde in it! Does she get that from you?" Well I died. I think it was the first time anyone has ever asked if she gets anything from me (The majority of her perfection comes from her amazing father), and it was her hair! Her beautiful hair that I am tempted to worship almost as much as I am her toes.

Tonight it occurs to me that there are pictures I can't take because they aren't sights, they're feelings. And I'm driven to write them down.

• Each day and night we start her bedtime and naptime routines by literally saying goodnight to every living thing in our house. That means Mommy, Daddy, fishies, doggie, kitty, and occasionally calling Grandma. Lilia sits contentedly on my (or Daddy's) hip and carefully opens and closes her hand to waive goodnight. And she says "nigh nigh" in a sweet soft voice over and over again.
  
• The worst thing you can do to Lilia is somehow give her the impression you're going to pick her up and then walk away from her instead. Of course we never do this on purpose, but if you forget the bottle or the doorbell rings or you were actually walking to the thing next to her, prepare to feel major pangs of regret. Her little broken heart spreads to her face in the form of the most tragic and beautiful expression you can imagine. Et tu, brute? It melts us every time.
• When she wants to communicate but can't tell you, she purses her little lips, opens her eyes as widely as she can and makes a very insistent, drawn out cross between a grunt and a hum. Sort of the way an adult would purposefully clear her throat to imply something that wasn't said.
• She is becoming far too busy and important to be held in our laps on the couch for any period of time now. When we try to snuggle her she very discreetly finds one of our fingers with each hand and then arches her back and squirms until she's standing on the floor with our help. This leaves her in the perfect position for her favorite activity: walking with Mommy or Daddy! She beams with pride as she tromps all over the house.

There are so many more that I will have to do these posts regularly. Again I'm reminded that we are so, so, so blessed.