ONE

I can't believe that you're a whole year old. I regularly ask you who told you you could grow up this fast, but you just giggle at me.

There are so many, many things I love about you. I love your chubby baby legs and your perfect feet and toes, I love your now-curly strawberry blonde hair, I love the excited way you say, "Daddy!" when you first see him in the morning, I love your little baby kisses and how you play peek-a-boo with anything we give you that's like a blanket.

I hope that I can always remember your smiles and giggles from this year. You are the most open-hearted person I know. You are happy to be fast friends with anyone, playing and smiling and giggling. (Unless you're in the church nursery.)

You play slowly and carefully with your toys. It's like you're examining fine art. You turn them around, you put them in your mouth, you shake them and bang them together to make music. You LOVE music. You will make anything a musical instrument! This afternoon I listened to you singing in your crib when you woke up from your nap. I was just listening in the monitor and enjoying every minute of your little song.

You walk really well, but you're very cautious and won't let go of at least one finger when you're doing it. But practicing walking is probably your favorite thing to do right now. You got a Radio Flyer push toy for Christmas and you've spent many evenings just pushing it back and forth across the living room over and over again.

You also love animals. Your first word was "dog" and you signed it at the same time! It was right when we were getting up in the morning and you were really excited to see our dog Rosco first thing. You signed it and said it over and over again with a great big smile on your face.

I think my favorite thing to watch this year has been your relationship with your dad. You are so crazy about each other! It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever been privileged to witness. I know some daddies don't like to put little girl outfits together or do day-to-day life with their babies, but not your daddy! He knows all of your routines and when you need milk and when you need dinner and when you need a nap, he changes your diaper (and washes them sometimes!) and gives you baths and reads you stories and sits on the floor to play with you. He even lets you ride on his back in the Ergo when he's cooking sometimes, which you love. Do you know why he does all of those things? Because he's crazy about you! And you're crazy about him too. Most babies go through a long time where they only want their mamas, but I think you only did that for one week of this whole year. You love being with either of us, and your favorite thing is when all three of us are together playing.

I don't know if you'll ever know what a blessing you've been to Daddy and me, or how much we love you, even though we tell you every single day. I just can't imagine our family without you in it.

If they lined up all the one-year-olds in all the world, I would choose you every time. Because you are my favorite one-year-old. I love you because you're mine.

Marriage Mysteries

A friend of mine recently sent me a very interesting review from the New Yorker about Elizabeth Gilbert's (Eat, Pray Love) new memoir, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage. It was a lot to chew on and this blog has been rolling around in my head since I read it.

Marriage is a tough issue for someone like me, who often walks a narrow way between various party lines. I'm an egalitarian, a Christian, a thinker, a hopeless romantic, an independent woman, a stay-at-home mom. Things like marriage can be difficult to reconcile because, although I want desperately to believe in it, marriage has a lot of strikes against it. The article I referenced does a great job of outlining them: First there's its less-than-romantic history as a business deal along the lines of the slave trade. Then there's the "Marriage Benefit Imbalance." That's the worst part for me. Here's a quote from Gilbert's book included in the article:

Married men live longer than single men; . . . married men accumulate more wealth than single men; married men are far less likely to die a violent death than single men; married men report themselves to be much happier than single men; and married men suffer less from alcoholism, drug addiction, and depression than do single men.

And a summary of the female side of the equation:

Yet married women are more likely to suffer from depression than single women are. According to Gilbert, married women are not as successful in their careers as single women. Married women are arguably less healthy than single women. Married women, until recently, were more likely to die a violent death than single women—usually, at the hands of their own husbands.

Well, that's cheery for us married girls. Less happy, less successful, more likely to be depressed, less healthy, more likely to be murdered....

Is there any hope for the institution of marriage? I believe there is. I think the crux of the issue is when and how you think marriage began. Is it, in fact "a relic from a time when we needed an arrangement to manage property and reproduction and, crucially, to establish kinships for purposes of defense: safety in numbers."? I believe the history of marriage is older and richer than that. And I believe that it predates sexism. I believe marriage is as old as humanity, was intended to reflect God Himself, and has become as corrupt as all of humankind.

It is error both on the side of feminists and traditionalists to believe that marriage is intended to make women less and men more. I feel strongly that God intended marriage to be freeing, mysterious and even humbling to both parties involved. In my study of the subject I have come to discover that God meant marriage to overcome our desire to control one another, and instead to learn to inspire one another, support one another, lift each other up and even serve one another. I've often heard the argument that "every ship has to have a captain," but I believe marriage was intended to prove that idea wrong in itself -- to help us understand that we don't have to be the captain of the ship! That every game need not have a winner and a loser, but that we can raise each other up to great heights when we let go of our need to be in charge of each other, or to know who has the final say.

I was speaking with my sister, who is getting married this year, about losing your trump card. You give a person a lot of power in your life when you relinquish the power to leave them and choose another. And I agree wholeheartedly that that power is often abused to the detriment of women. But it can also be the beginning of something beautiful: of loving someone because you want to, and not out of fear that they will leave or choose someone else.

My own marriage has been one of the most profound learning experiences of my life. As Jeff and I have come to enter each other's private worlds as no one has before, we have discovered a depth of trust that we've never achieved with anyone else. No one has ever been on my side the way Jeff is. He loves me and challenges me and inspires me and serves me even when he has nothing to gain at all, not even under the threat of losing me. It's a profound love that walks through the mundane with a person day after day. And if we never learn to walk beside each other without "taking charge," we miss the entire point.

What Are You Doing?

I've recently been reminded of an interview I saw years ago. It was before I had Lilia, but it has a major impact on me as a mother. The interview was with Maria Shriver and she was talking about her parents. She talked about how her father, Sargent Shriver, had asked all his children frequently, "What are you doing?" By that he meant, "What are you doing for the world? How are you improving it?" And he took that quite seriously, making great strides in all kinds of charities. His wife, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, had a deep and lasting impact in the world on behalf of disabled people and others. Maria recalled that Eunice would put pictures on the wall of children who were disabled so that her own children would think about them often and think of ways to help them. She also served cereal for dinner each Thursday night and explained to her children that she was sending the money they saved to those less fortunate than themselves.

Now that is doing something! Changing the world as a person and inspiring your children as a parent at the same time. What a wonderful example.

Lately I've been seeing nothing but pictures of Haiti on news websites and reading stories of those who have been impacted by their earthquake. I can't get the voice out of my head that says, "What are you doing?"

A Successful Trip!

We just got back from a road trip to California that was far more successful than it had any right to be. I was a little worried, to be honest, because the last time we went was pretty rough. Lilia was just NOT up for it and basically clung to me the entire time. But this time she was great! She spent her time entertaining everyone and just generally enjoying all the attention. We stayed with Jeff's folks and also got to see about a million friends and family members.

Kudos to my mom for being the first to actually upload her photos so I'll start with those! Hopefully I'll get mine done soon and also get the ones from other family members. A good time was had by all.



Love this one of Meme and Lilia!!!!



Lilia had an early first birthday party with my side, shared with Grandpa Brooks. Not his first birthday.... :)
Loving cake.


Daddy cleaning her up after cake. I love this one! As usual, she got it in her hair.

I can't believe she's almost a year old. We are so blessed by her every single day. I just pray, "Lord let me be an arrow that points my kids right to Your grace and love."

Chores and Other Challenges

Today was a really hard day for me. First, I wanted to get things done which, to be honest, is never a good way for me to start my day. If I get things done then great, but on Jeff's work days it's better for me to just focus on being a parent and taking care of myself and Lilia. Making a to-do list is setting myself up for failure!

Anyway, I had one of those days where everything is difficult and nothing goes as planned and I'm tired and frustrated. But the great news is that I called a friend and was able to talk it all out and felt much better about all of it.

Now I have to pack for our big road trip on Wednesday! Thank God Jeff's home tomorrow.

Mom Encouragement

Some things about being a mom I knew about before. Some I sort of guessed. And some I did not see coming.

One thing that falls into that last category is the lack of respect from the culture as a whole for parents, and especially mothers, and the work they do. It comes out in lots of ways but the big two that I see are minimizing the work of stay-at-home parents (are you just a stay-at-home parent? Don't you have a degree or a profession? Don't you want to get out of the house? etc.) and criticizing other people's parenting choices or styles (What are you feeding him???? Don't you have her on a schedule yet? You are a slave to that schedule, lighten up! You stopped nursing? You don't hold him enough! You hold him too much, he'll be spoiled....).

So in the end it's very easy for a new mom to get a one-two punch of a message that can take the wind out of her sails in two seconds flat: What you do is totally unimportant, and you're doing it wrong. How's that for validation and encouragement in the most difficult and important job you'll ever do in your life?

So many moms just need someone to say Wow, you're doing a great job and changing your child's life forever. Thank you! So here I go.

• I know of few professions that require so many separate skills and tasks from one person as being a stay-at-home parent. You need to become an expert in nutrition, psychology, education and time-management, to name a few. It's not a no-brainer!
  
• Being a parent is more physically taxing than any job I've ever had. There are no sick days or vacation time, and you can't go into a room by yourself or slow down when you're having a bad day. You have to do this important work at your best and your worst.
• The greatest necessity in most careers is skill. You learn how to drill or make certain decisions or whatever you do. But to be a parent the greatest necessity is character. You must show your child an example every day, again no matter how you feel on that given day, and you must love them with your actions all the time. Character is much, much harder to develop than skill.
  
• Most jobs have at least a few "quick wins." You get a review or a raise, complete a project, etc., and you feel great. Parenting has nearly none. You invest, and invest, and invest. And then later on you see how you did. It's like a 20-year project!
• Study after study shows that no matter how we complain about the influence of poor schools, peer pressure and television there is no one in the world who impacts a child more than his/her parents. Children who age out of foster care (who have no parents or whose parents are too dysfunctional to raise them) are significantly less likely to graduate from high school and college and significantly more likely to need public assistance, have children outside of marriage, have marital problems, commit crimes, be victims of crimes, live in poverty and have mental health problems. That is the difference a parent makes.
  

I'll have more to say on this in another post, I'm sure. But for now let me say to all the parents out there that what you do is exceedingly important. You may not know how important for years, but you are building something to really last. Thank you.

What I Don't Want to Forget

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The other night I was sitting with Lilia on the little love seat in her room, snuggled up and reading her a story. As I read it I was running my fingers through her hair. I felt a sudden rush that was equal parts gratitude and grief as it suddenly occurred to me that this was one of those moments in life that sneaks up on you and changes your soul a little. An everyday moment that is suddenly life changing. Soon she will have big-girl hair rather than the silky, spun gold that she has now and I think I might grieve her baby hair for the rest of my life.

Her hair is perfect. I mean, really perfect. It's flawlessly soft and smooth and there are at least three colors in it, which change in sunlight. Last week our pastor was admiring her and said, "Oh look, her hair has some strawberry blonde in it! Does she get that from you?" Well I died. I think it was the first time anyone has ever asked if she gets anything from me (The majority of her perfection comes from her amazing father), and it was her hair! Her beautiful hair that I am tempted to worship almost as much as I am her toes.

Tonight it occurs to me that there are pictures I can't take because they aren't sights, they're feelings. And I'm driven to write them down.

• Each day and night we start her bedtime and naptime routines by literally saying goodnight to every living thing in our house. That means Mommy, Daddy, fishies, doggie, kitty, and occasionally calling Grandma. Lilia sits contentedly on my (or Daddy's) hip and carefully opens and closes her hand to waive goodnight. And she says "nigh nigh" in a sweet soft voice over and over again.
  
• The worst thing you can do to Lilia is somehow give her the impression you're going to pick her up and then walk away from her instead. Of course we never do this on purpose, but if you forget the bottle or the doorbell rings or you were actually walking to the thing next to her, prepare to feel major pangs of regret. Her little broken heart spreads to her face in the form of the most tragic and beautiful expression you can imagine. Et tu, brute? It melts us every time.
• When she wants to communicate but can't tell you, she purses her little lips, opens her eyes as widely as she can and makes a very insistent, drawn out cross between a grunt and a hum. Sort of the way an adult would purposefully clear her throat to imply something that wasn't said.
• She is becoming far too busy and important to be held in our laps on the couch for any period of time now. When we try to snuggle her she very discreetly finds one of our fingers with each hand and then arches her back and squirms until she's standing on the floor with our help. This leaves her in the perfect position for her favorite activity: walking with Mommy or Daddy! She beams with pride as she tromps all over the house.

There are so many more that I will have to do these posts regularly. Again I'm reminded that we are so, so, so blessed.

Pearls

Our Christmas was simple and beautiful, just the three of us at home. We've hosted people for several years, so we missed that but it was also nice to just have it quiet with no real plan.

It was wonderful to have Lilia's first Christmas and I think I'll write another post about that, but the thing that floored me this Christmas was that Jeff, on our very modest budget, was able to procure my dream gift -- a string of real pearls!

A nice way to say it would be that I like classic things. Maybe less flattering would be what my friends say -- that I just want to be an old lady inside. Could be true.... But I love pearls. And more than that, I love these pearls. I don't like the kind of pearls that are the same size the whole way around the necklace (maybe I'm too short or pudgy for those?), I don't like perfectly white pearls, I could go on and on about the ways I'm picky about pearls. But I love these pearls. My pearls. He had some help from some very good elves, but the fact that my loving husband got pearls for me for Christmas is something I shall treasure forever. So far I've worn them every day (returning them carefully to their little box at night) and as of right now I intend to continue doing so for the rest of my life.

Our life just feels like a string of pearls right now and I am loving every minute of it. Almost.

I Blame Talk Radio

This is a post that's been rattling around in my head for some time. If you just read my blog for the baby/family stuff stop here. :)

I, and most people I know, noticed something ugly happening in the most recent election. Not just among the candidates but among average people. The problem was twofold -- First a closed-mindedness that was like an impenetrable wall, and second a new low of rudeness and vitriol. It didn't just flip on like a light switch (It's been coming for a while) but I have really noticed it recently.

In my own short memory I'm certain that I can recall times that it was easier to have a sensible discussion about politics. When a point was proven, the incorrect party conceded the point. When it was debated it was just that -- debated. There was a certain level of respect for truth and for people who felt differently than you. Now it seems nearly impossible to find that kind of respectful discussion between parties who disagree.

I blame talk radio.

Talk radio has become a world unto itself, passing on incorrect information with such dogma it becomes almost sacrilegious to question it, supporting opinions by the strength of conviction rather than the certainty of evidence. Worst of all, it is a world in which rudeness and disrespect are highly valued and gentle, respectful dialogue is seen as weak or even inherently dishonest.

I remember when Rush Limbaugh was as edgy as it got, coining the degrading term "feminazi" (did he start the trend of calling anyone with whom we disagree a Nazi, or did he just continue it?) and oversimplifying complicated topics to make himself sound like the only reasonable person in America. Then someone wrote a book about him being a "big, fat idiot." Not the best way to raise the level of respect in the dialogue. Now it's gone way past that. People love to watch people who have no tolerance for anyone who sees things differently than they do. Someone in the industry has learned that the more sarcastic and outlandish the character, the more listeners or viewers he/she gains, so it's getting worse all the time. And it's infecting the general public faster than the swine flu. You can almost hear the revered talk show host in a person's mannerisms and dialogue.

I'm one who believes in the power of genuine debate to educate those involved as well as those watching or listening. I thought that was a very American value to hold. We used to pride ourselves on giving everyone a chance to be heard, didn't we?

We have already suffered because of losing sight of this value, and we will suffer more. A person looking for evidence for her own existing opinion rather than real information will always be ignorant, and an ignorant public is a dangerous thing.

So my vote is for everyone to do three things:
1. Seek out genuine information about important issues(I use www.voanews.com, www.factcheck.org and www.politifact.com frequently)
2. Stop listening to talk radio! and
3. Engage in kind and respectful political discussions that use evidence rather than attack as the primary means of communication.

That's where I stand. I feel better now. :)

For Unto Us a Child is Born

Psalm 81:10

"I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

I'm starting to learn that there are two categories of people at Christmastime: Those who love it and those who hate it. I am so solidly in the former category that it's difficult for me to believe the latter even exists. I have always loved Christmas, but this year was the best Christmas I've ever had.

When we went to our church's Christmas Eve service I was overcome with emotion. Figuratively, I am the one God delivered from Egypt. I had made a real mess of things at one point in my life and was pretty sure it would stay that way. And it could have. He didn't have to ride in and save me from myself, but He did.

That would have been enough.

But as we stood there with our baby and sang Silent Night I was astounded that God didn't stop there. He has given us so very much. We don't take it for granted. We know that what we have is rare and beautiful and I go to sleep every night just counting our many blessings. True love, a stable home, great friends and family, a beautiful baby girl and one on the way, our first house, a wonderful church home, I could go on and on.

2,000 years ago everything changed. A world that had believed God to be silent for too long, unaware or unconcerned with its hardships and tragedies, found Him to be more real and more present than it had ever imagined. What kind of God would walk into that impoverished infancy, persecuted life and tortured death on purpose? The same kind of God who walked into the mire of my life and changed it forever, and then poured blessings on me ever since.

Luke 2:10-14
¹⁰But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ^a]">[a] the Lord. ¹²This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

¹³Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Beautiful and Crazy

I have so much to say.

Let me start by saying that avoiding a subject I'm excited about is nearly impossible for me, which is why it's been very difficult to blog recently. People who know me know that I'm the worst avoider in the world. If there's something that's hard to talk about or important or whatever, that's the first thing I bring up. What was the topic I was avoiding in my blog? We're having another baby! Baby #2 will join us next summer.

Why avoid that topic? Because last time it was very difficult to go back and tell everyone that I had miscarried. Probably 85% of people were awesome about it, but that 15% who just couldn't understand or offer real sympathy were agonizing for me. It's a very vulnerable place to be, to have someone not understand, or worse or try to minimize (BTW, have a friend who lost a baby and wondering what to say? Look here!) . Of course the silver lining was realizing that the vast majority of our friends and family are totally "safe" to be real with, even when things are not fine. What a gift! But this time we decided to wait a little while and save ourselves the agony of telling the world too early and possibly having to share our grief with big numbers of people.

So we're telling everyone now for two reasons. First, someone we love inadvertently outed us in a Christmas card, not realizing we were waiting to tell. And second, we saw the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound on Tuesday! That means that we are out of the very high risk zone for miscarriage. It was the best Christmas present we could've received!!!

I have so much more to share on this beautiful Christmas day, but I will let this news sink in first.

God is so good to us.

Penance with Pictures

I didn't blog for the whole month of November? How is that possible??? Well let me bring cute pictures as a peace offering to my faithful readers. :)

The first two are Jeff and Lilia at our fall farm trip to Vertuccio Farms. It was wonderful! She thought she was driving the barrel train, so that was a major highlight. The last two are from our friends who took cute pics of Lilia and her someday-BFF Abby at their house while Mommy and Daddy were on a date. Very cute!

More to share soon.

Domestic Violence

I went to a great meeting today of the Phoenix chapter of Christians for Biblical Equality. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, they hosted a speaker form the Sojourners Center, which is apparently the biggest domestic violence shelter in the world. I was reminded again of some startling facts about domestic violence. A few things that were brought to mind:

• Domestic violence will impact 1 in 4 women in her lifetime.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury for females aged 15-44.
• There are nearly never any legal consequences for abusers, even when abuse is reported, because they are often gone by the time the police arrive and, if not, there is nearly never enough evidence to prosecute. If they are prosecuted, it's a misdemeanor. In AZ, three misdemeanors constitutes a felony but no one has been prosecuted under that rule.
• When asked if they've experienced domestic violence, nearly all women say no in surveys. But then they say that they've been hit, kicked, demeaned, threatened, etc.
• Abuse is never an anger issue. It is a pattern of coercion that uses violence to achieve desired results. Abusers don't "lose control."
  

All of this reminds me of the need to speak out yet again on this subject. Everyone has a right to feel safe in his/her home. If you're wondering whether you're being abused, this quiz is a great resource to confirm your feelings.

I know as I write this that more than one person reading it is being abused. Please, please talk with someone who can help you. I would be more than happy to talk with you and to help you get whatever resources you need to be in a safe place.

Overflowing

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:7

We and our friends have come through several storms lately -- relational, economic, you name it. But through it all, and now mostly on the other side of it, I've just felt such a sense of peace. It does "transcend all understanding," doesn't it? It doesn't make sense. Albert Camus said “In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” I think I'm beginning to see the summer God has put in my soul.
I've thought so much in the last decade about the biblical admonition to build your house on the rock, where storms will not overcome it, and to store your treasure in Heaven, where moths can't destroy it. What rock? What treasure? I think I'm starting to understand. I heard a children's pastor named Jim Sumner preach to children one day about the "meaning of life." He told them that grown-ups are always searching for "the meaning of life" but he was going to save them years of wandering by telling them straight out: the meaning if life is found in relationships. My dad has been known to say that relationships are the only things we can take with us to Heaven.

For me building my treasure where moth and rust cannot destroy means building my life around relationships. And the Rock, on which the house is built, is my relationship with God.

In the last "Anne" book I finished, one of Anne's extremely frivolous friends gets seriously ill and finally dies. On the day she dies she has a conversation with Anne wherein she says that she's afraid to go to Heaven because it will be so different than her life on Earth, and nothing there will be the things that were important to her before death. Anne realizes that her friend is right that Heaven will be very different than her life because this friend has built her entire life around shallow relationships and pretty dresses. Anne vows to live her life so that Heaven will be filled with familiar things that she's already loved.

This is obviously one of those rambling posts that's more for my benefit than for the benefit of the reader, but I suppose what I'm working out while writing it is that nothing can shake Heaven. If I can build my life around what lasts forever, it won't collapse when shaken by things that don't.

Tea Party

On Saturday I hosted a lovely tea party for myself, Lilia, and 4 of our dearest girlfriends. It was fabulous. The M's even got a special NEW tea set for the occasion from their mother! After we had sipped tea and eaten delicate sandwiches and baked goods we adjourned to the parlor to watch "The Princess Diaries." A fancy time was had by all.