Oh Blog, Where Art Thou?

In the words of Ferris Beuller, "Life moves pretty fast." (And so does this blog post because I have like 5 minutes. No editing, no overthinking!)

My life has, in fact, moved so fast that it's been very difficult to keep up with. Much less keep up with and reflect on.

First, big news. We decided to buy a house. I know my Dave Ramsey friends might hate me for moving our student loans into Baby Step 6, but at least listen to how it happened first, okay? Okay. ;)

For nearly three years we've been telling ourselves no, no no on buying a house. No matter what the market, we have debt and we've been following the Dave Ramsey baby steps which say no house until you're debt free with an emergency fund. Throughout those 3 years we've made great progress on our debt, paying off all of our credit cards, loans from family members and our car. We've also made the transition from two incomes to one pretty easily. But our student loans are huge and will take us several years to pay off.

Three things happened at once to finally change our minds about buying a house: First, our apartment complex raised our rent again. Second, we discovered that a mortgage on a house in the area we want to live, with a yard and three bedrooms, would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $150-200 cheaper per month than our new rent (which is very competitive for the area), including tax, title and insurance. Finally, we learned of an $8,000 tax credit for first-time homeowners (hello emergency fund!) and a generous family member offered to pay most of our down payment. With all of these in mind I called two wonderful wise friends who are on Dave's plan and told them two things: We don't want to do something stupid and we also don't want to follow the plan like it's a religion. Talking to them confirmed our decision for us and we went looking for houses. We have an offer in on one and are waiting impatiently to hear whether it will be accepted. So bring on the wet noodles, but we really feel we've made the right decision for us.

So, that was craziness #1. Craziness #2 is that we took little Miss Lilia Joy on her first road trip. We went to California to Jeff's parents' house to see them and Jeff's brother and his family, and also saw about a million friends and family members while we were there. It was fantastic to see everyone, but very difficult to travel for poor Lilia. She was so out-of-sorts the whole time! Poor Papa and Meme seemed to get the brunt of it, but they were absolutely sweet about the whole thing. They didn't give a word of advice, but sympathized and reassured us that babies cry and it doesn't mean a thing about us as parents. We were reminded how much we want to be like them when we grow up....

Lilia's cousins were so much fun, and loved her so much. It was wonderful to watch! And of course there were the doting grandparents and aunt and uncle, and great-aunt and great-uncle, and Meme and Papa, and our old Gang from the 'ville, and a million others. I'll post pictures as soon as I get a minute!

My head is in so many places that my blog needs to catch up. So hopefully another post tomorrow.

In the meantime, head over to my husband's new blog!

Fabulous!

Jeff and I went to the library on Monday to get a movie (or 5) to watch together on our day off. On the way out, I noticed signs for a "Culture Pass," which is pretty much the best program I've ever seen.

Here's the deal:

• Each branch of the library gets a certain number of culture passes to each museum or site (Phoenix Zoo, Phoenix Art Museum, Arizona Science Center, Phoenix Children's Museum, many others).
• Each pass gives 4 free entries to the site.
• Each pass can be checked out for 7 days, nonrenewable.
• Each patron can only check out one pass every 7 days.

So we got the one to the Heard Museum West in Surprise so I can go there with my mom this week. FUN!

More big brownie points for the city of Phoenix!

The Sexiest Man Alive

Need I say more?

MOVIE review: "Amazing Grace"

I rarely review movies, but this one warranted it (by the way, if you're wondering why I like everything, it's because I prefer not to review books that I didn't like!).

The basic story of this movie is one of those truth-is-better-than-fiction stories. As I understand it, John Newton, the man who wrote the hymn "Amazing Grace," was a former captain of a ship that transported slaves from Africa. After his conversion to Christianity he eventually renounced the slave trade. When William Wilberforce came to him for advice as to whether he should continue a career in politics or enter full-time ministry, Newton advised him to do the work of God where he was, in politics, and he also helped Wilberforce in his successful 20-year campaign to end the slave trade.

This story is so beautiful and the movie does a fantastic job of telling it. The script and acting are outstanding -- not overly sentimental, but not too "documentary-like."

This is a must-see movie!

Did you call yet?

I urge anybody who reads this blog to educate themselves on the genocide that is currently happening in Darfur and to call their representatives by calling (800)GENOCIDE today.

Lilia

If they lined up all the babies, in all the world, I would choose you every time. You are my favorite baby. I love you because you're mine.

Book Review: The Macho Paradox

After reading this review in the journal of Christians for Biblical Equality, I had to go straight to the library and get this book. In the end, I was not disappointed. I've tried to write this review several times and failed because it's difficult to narrow down what I would like to say about this book. The whole of this book blew my mind. The pieces it connected were so familiar to me that I couldn't believe I'd missed the whole picture. And now the pieces are many and the whole picture is... difficult to describe.

One of my favorite quotes is from the movie "Anna and the King." Jodi Foster's character is teaching school and she says, "Most people don't see the world as it is. They see it as they are." Unfortunately I don't think I can describe this book as it is, so I will have to describe it as I am.

Most people know that I was in a verbally/emotionally/sexually abusive relationship before I married Jeff. Because of my past, women regularly share their stories of abuse with me. And because of their sharing I have begun to realize the scope of the effects of men's violence against women. When I was younger I thought that physical violence against partners, molestation, incest and rape were rare. Now I know better. (To give you an idea of the scope, you probably know more victims and perpetrators of men's violence than you do left-handed people.)

I've also long known about the vast pornography industry, which is often referenced as "bigger than Hollywood." I had no idea, however, that pornography is mostly violent and getting more so all the time. Apparently what sells in porn is not simply sex, but men's sexual violence against women.

Finally, I've had years of experience with subtle sexism -- objectifying women, ignoring women, and "keeping women in their place" in and out of the church. I've been told my many a well-meaning Christian about how women are equal-but-not-equal, and as such are intended to have less decision-making power than men in church and at home. And media portrayals of women don't help the situation at all.

I had never put these three things -- men's violence against women, pornography, and subtle discrimination against women-- together. It makes sense, doesn't it? What do they all have in common? A low view of women. A view that women are essentially different than men in that they don't want or deserve respect and will willingly give it up to gain approval. A view that women exist for the benefit of men. In fact, statistically, men who believe in "traditional gender roles" are far more likely to view pornography on a regular basis, to believe rape myths such as "Every woman secretly wants to be raped" and "When a woman says no she really means yes," and to physically abuse their wives.

In The Macho Paradox, Jackson Katz puts together a clear and convincing picture of a society that subtly and not-so-subtly promotes men's violence against women. He demonstrates how our culture defines masculinity as inherrently violent and femininity as "less than" and weak. Is it any wonder that the United States is more dangerous for women than any other industrialized nation in the world?

The Alyssa Review gives The Macho Paradox five stars for opening my world to a reality I'd never recognized, and I give Jackson Katz all the kudos in the world for being a man brave enough to stand up for equality for women.

Definitely a must-read.

Kozy Carrier, I love you too!

I am seriously loving my new Kozy Mei Tai carrier. It's easy to use, it has a great pattern, it's lightweight and Lilia digs it. Good deal! It's also reversible and the other side is just plain tan, no pattern, so Jeff wears it as well.

People are always asking for comparisons and recommendations on the baby carriers that I have, so here's the deal:

Padded Sling:
--Basically I hate it. But it's the only thing I can consistently breastfeed in easily at the moment so I still have it.

Moby Wrap:
--Love it, love it!
--Very comfortable for newborns!
--Easy to get baby in and out of.
--Encourages her to sleep, so it's great if she's overtired.
--Hard to learn, takes a while to get it right.
--Good weight distribution.
--Warm.
--Really could use a pocket!

Ergo:
--Expensive and needs a $25 insert for babies under 3-4 months.
--GREAT weight distribution
--Easiest of all to put on (besides the sling that I hate)
--Dad-friendly appearance.
--Cool for summer
--Medium-sized front zipper pocket for keys, etc.

Mei Tai (I have a Kozy Carrier brand):
--Good weight distribution (although not AS good as the Ergo)
--Beautiful fabrics!
--Reversible, so it has a dad-friendly side
--Relatively easy to put on and get baby in.
--Little pocket is great for keys, etc.
--Very versatile -- front, back, side, small babies, big babies, etc.

So that's my experience with each carrier! Happy babywearing. :)

What Works

A million tidbits rattling around in my head.... Must pick one....

By way of follow-up to my last post, I've decided to declare my guiding values as a parent. (I know you're all just waiting with baited breath for this.) This is what I will try to come back to when I have important decisions to make or feel terrible about a decision I've already made or a day we've had.

1. I will remember that I am an unfit mother. Shocking, I know. But one of the most basic aspects of my faith is the recognition that I can't "do my life." I am not self-sufficient, despite my desire to be so. I am entirely dependent on God to run my life. When I start to pretend I can do it myself, bad things happen. So I need to start there when mothering: I need to start with my need for help from God and others.

2. I will do what works for us. Our family is unique. And, as our amazing midwife Sue told me at our last appointment, we are the parents that God chose for Lilia. We know who we are and how we work together as a family better than anyone else. So we will take some, leave some, try some and re-evaluate regularly.

2. I will try not to judge myself. A parent (especially a mother -- have you ever heard one dad judge another for his parenting style or choices?) could spend her life feeling guilty or worried about her choices. OR she could spend it enjoying her life and her family. I will make every effort to choose the latter and to avoid listening to voices that encourage the former.

On that note, in case anyone loves sharing ideas as much as I do, here is what's working for us:

--The Moby Wrap. I wear this thing nearly every day, often for hours, and I love it.
--The swing. We have a very "up" kid. She likes to be held nearly all the time. But I do occasionally need to get things done that I can't do with the Moby Wrap on. The only place we can really get her to take a good nap is the swing. We are very grateful.
--The "EASY" method. I got this from a friend who got it from a book. It basically recognizes a pattern wherein babies tend to eat, have a period of activity and then sleep (the Y is for "you time" which is cheesy, but EAS isn't a word.). It's not something we push her into -- it's a natural pattern that works great for us.
--Lists. Every Monday Jeff and I sit down and make goals for the week in list form on a white board on our fridge. For me, it helps me prioritize things for myself and narrow down what I can and can't do, plus it gives me a sense of accomplishment about the things I can get done in a week.
--Cloth diapering. I far, far prefer the grossness of washing diapers to the grossness of blowouts. We had regular blowouts when we tried out disposables, and basically none in the cloth. I really, really love the cloth diapers. They also make the best burp cloths for us. And we have a very... spit-uppy baby.
--Making time for ourselves. We tag-team a lot. Not just so we can both get showers, but also so we can clean the house, work out and have time to ourselves. Means the world to us.

Those are a few things that work for us. What works for you?

Not This and Not That

I have a secret: I felt completely unprepared to be a parent up to and including the day Lilia was born. A lot of the time I still feel like I have no skills related to parenting. This is funny because more than one person told me in previous years that they could picture me with kids and that I would be a "natural."

Which brings me to another secret: I'm not really a "natural" at anything. I cheat. I read every book in the world, or in the case of music I practiced my behind off to make up for my lack of natural talent.

So, when the prospect of parenting came along, I did what I do best: I cheated. I read all kinds of books, googled stuff, asked a lot of questions. And I found out that parenting is much more art than science, and that you can lose your mind among all the options.

I remember learning that reality when I first got pregnant. Jeff and I were trying to just rough out a budget so we could make a plan for buying baby stuff. Simple, right? I looked up "what you need for a newborn" thinking there would be a consensus (Yeah, right!). I found a wide world of decisions that required me to define my parenting style months before my child was born: cloth diapers or disposables, breast or bottle, wraps and slings or baby carriers and strollers, crib or cosleeper or (yikes!) in the parents' bed, Ezzo or Dr. Sears, etc. etc. etc. I remember feeling the tears creep in right in the middle of Babies R Us, as I felt more and more overwhelmed by the choices.

The onslaught hasn't really stopped. I meet more people every day who have one method or another and many who think I should adopt their method.

So, even though I have no idea what I'm doing, I've decided to wing it. That's right, I'm a "Wing It Parenting" person. I don't know where she will sleep when she's 9 months old, I don't know how long I will breastfeed, I don't know whether I'll use the stroller or the Moby Wrap when I go to the zoo next week. I don't know if I'll "put her on a schedule" in the future or when I'll start solids. I don't know if I'll get so annoyed with cloth diapers that I'll go to disposables.

This is my official declaration of independence from all the sources I usually trust: books, the internet, all of it. I will take their opinions into account when I make my own decision. I know I have very few skills related to parenting. I know I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm starting to suspect that "They" don't either.

So I'm going to love my daughter, get as much sleep as I can, have a good time, take a bunch of pictures and throw caution to the wind.

I just needed to put that in writing. Thanks for "listening."

"When I See Her Smile...."

There it is, kids! We finally got that smile in a picture, thanks to Lilia loving Miss Morgan so much that she stayed smiling for a long time.

Isn't it funny how, once your baby is smiling, any occupation besides trying to make them smile seems like a waste of time?

Priceless

It was so wonderful to have Meme and Papa come to visit this last week!

We have been looking forward to this since they told us they were planning a trip to see Lilia. I will treasure this photo of the three of them forever. Wonderful!

Is She Really Blogging About Them???

Most people who read this know me. And most people who know me know a few basic facts about me, including the fact that I was engaged to an abuser before I married Jeff and that I am a staunch egalitarian, as is Jeff. Thus the funny name and the equality in the household.

Anyway, I'm reading The Macho Paradox (by Jackson Katz) right now and it's making my head spin in a good way. I'll review it when I'm done, but in the meantime read a better review at the website for Christians for Biblical Equality.

In the book, Katz talks a lot about how the language we use frames the way we think, and that the language the media uses when discussing men's violence against women hides the truth about the subject. First, it frames each instance as an isolated event perpetrated by some uniquely deranged individual rather than as part of a pattern of men's violence against women. He uses O.J. Simpson, Scott Peterson and Kobe Bryant as examples here. Second, it treats men's violence against women as a women's issue, rather than as a men's and women's issue. The focus in coverage of men's violence against women is often on the woman's experience of the violence, rather than on the man's responsibility for it. In extreme cases it even seems to transform the victim into the perpetrator and the perpetrator into the victim (such as calling Kobe Bryant's alleged victim his "accuser.").

All of this has made me interested in the coverage of Chris Brown's recent assault on Rihanna. For those of you who aren't obsessed with People.com, Chris Brown and Rihanna are two very popular singers. aged 19 and 21. He was recently arrested and is charged with assaulting her and threatening to kill her. Basically, from what I can gather from the statements, he beat the tar out of her (and an unscrupulous law enforcement official released the photo of her injuries!) and when she called for help he told her he was going to kill her. He released a statement expressing "sorrow and sadness" about what "transpired." Last week it was reported that they are reconciling.

So, what's the headline? Does it ask why he did it, or if he'll ever work again?

No, the coverage focuses nearly completely on her. I even read today that "she might be able to get him off the hook" if she refuses to testify against him, now that their "volatile relationship" is intact again!

Really?

We have a long way to go.

"Everything is amazing and nobody's happy"

I love this video.

Book Review -- The Lord of the Rings

I spoke with someone I dearly love on Sunday and discovered that she's never read The Lord of the Rings.

Now Heaven knows that J. R. R. Tolkien does not need any nod from me, and this book has been reviewed and referenced a thousand times by people who are far more articulate and knowledgeable than me (most notably my hero, C.S. Lewis). But friends do not let friends go through life without reading The Lord of the Rings, so here we are.

The Lord of the Rings is fiction that tells the truth. Tolkien is well known for creating the world of Middle Earth -- filled with beautiful languages and cultures and careful histories seemingly passed down through songs and folklore. But in my opinion the brilliant beauty of this book is not in the world Tolkien masterfully constructs, but in the piercing truths he illuminates about our own world.

As she experiences the valor and cowardice of the characters in the book, the reader may find herself assessing her own life through the lens of that world. When the circumstances are stripped away the realities are the same.

If you have not read The Lord of the Rings, 2009 is your year. I learned more about the world and myself through this work of fiction than through any non-fiction book I've ever read besides the Bible. Go read it!