And a Happy New Year

I have so many posts to write, rattling around in my head.

But today I have to write this one, because it's the last day of such a year. Such a year.

My mom told me a few years ago that our life then was about sowing faithfully. We were so careful with our budget, our time, our plans, but we hadn't seen a ton of fruit yet.

This year was about reaping. We're still trying to sow faithfully but so much has come to fruition in our lives this year. I don't think I've ever felt as grateful on a day-by-day basis as I do right now.

A husband I adore, who adores me back and shows it by partnering in the daily nitty gritty of life with me. A toddler whose heart is so big and beautiful and generous and open that it inspires me every day. A baby boy whose cuddles and smiles give me joy and strength on a daily basis.

If I die tomorrow, let it be known that God was more generous with me than I ever deserved or imagined and that I walked in wide-eyed wonder of His boundless grace in my life.

Merry Christmas!

I've been up since 4 this morning, thinking of what today will mean in terms of joy for my family.

(The family that I still can't believe I have.)

I'm smelling spiced cider and imagining Lilia with her new race cars and train set and feeding Evan in the light of the Christmas tree and thanking God, again, for the birth of hope. In the world and in me.

Good News of Great Joy

It's Christmas and I love it. I love all of it. I love the music, the lights, the movies, the food, the general warmth. I don't sweat the commercialism and we do a very simple Christmas so I'm not too stressed out about it.

But there is a Christmas inside that is so difficult to explain.

Two thousand years ago the world was bent by the enormous load of grief that comes with knowing it's not supposed to be like this. Everyone tried harder to do things right, to think of another sacrifice that would make them okay, give them a clean slate, un-tarnish them. They made more rules and tried every way they knew how to make life, to make themselves into what they knew they should be. More loving, kinder, more generous and compassionate.

But what they really needed was a word from the God who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. How could they ever climb to where He was? Surely He could make everything right, but how would they ever get to Him?

Only a few years ago I was bent by that same load of grief. I knew the world was not as it should be. I knew I was not as I should be. I felt broken and tarnished and ruined in a thousand ways.

What I really needed was a word from God, who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. I knew He could make it right, but how could I ever climb to where he was? Every time I tried to clean myself up I made the mess worse.

So, to a world that was broken beyond repair, to me, damaged beyond recognition, He came.

Emmanuel, the final Word on where God stands in relation to those suffering from our own badness or the badness of others or a little of both: God is with us. The God who seemed so distant came. He didn't send a word or a message or a prophet. He came. He couldn't imagine leaving us to suffer alone, so He came and suffered with us. And offered us a whole new heart.

My friends are all really good at thinking of ways to teach their kids about the real meaning of Christmas, but I find that I am not. I can show my toddler a baby in a manger and tell her about Jesus' birthday, but how can she understand what it means to be the weary world, rejoicing with a thrill of hope. Real hope.

Not the hope of a new diet or a new time management plan or a new resolution, the hope of a new heart when you think all hope is gone.

My wonderful pastor, Duane, explained the difference between "good news" and "great joy" this way: Good news is hearing that someone sent out a check for $100,000 to change someone's life. Great joy is when it's you that's receiving the check.

So I will add a new prayer for my children. I pray that they know the good news of Christmas, but also that it becomes their own Great Joy. I pray that Emmanuel will be with them, too, and will write their stories someday as He has rewritten mine.

My Favorite Mommy Jobs

(Disclaimer:I don't mean "Mommy jobs" to the exclusion of Daddy. Indeed, Jeff does many of these jobs quite frequently, as well as or better than me!)

1. Kissing minor owies. Or pretend owies, or the doll's owies.
2. Singing.
3. Introducing them to new things or places.
4. Snuggling when clingy or afraid.
5. Making Christmas happen.
6. Reading stories.
7. Bedtime routines.
8. Nursing/snuggling while napping.
9. Comforting after nightmares.
10. Teaching counting, ABC's, days of the week, etc.

In Contrast

Dorothy Sayers, Are Women Human?:

"Perhaps it is no wonder that women were the first at the Cradle and the last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man – there never has been another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as “The women, God help us?” or “The ladies, God bless them!”; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words or deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” about woman’s nature."

Some women have wondered why/how I stay Christian among so much sexism. This is why: I run past it all, straight into the arms of Jesus.

Again, I would love your comments!

Fit to be Tied

Mark Driscoll is a popular Christian leader, pastor of Mars Hill megachurch in Seattle, and other of over a dozen books including The Relevant Church.

Here's his analysis of Paul's view of women leading the church:

"Without blushing, Paul is simply stating that when it comes to leading in the church, women are unfit because they are more gullible and easier to deceive than men. While many irate women have disagreed with his assessment through the years, it does appear from this that such women who fail to trust his instruction and follow his teaching are much like their mother Eve and are well-intended but ill-informed. . . Before you get all emotional like a woman in hearing this, please consider the content of the women’s magazines at your local grocery store that encourages liberated women in our day to watch porno with their boyfriends, master oral sex for men who have no intention of marrying them, pay for their own dates in the name of equality, spend an average of three-fourths of their childbearing years having sex but trying not to get pregnant, and abort 1/3 of all babies – and ask yourself if it doesn’t look like the Serpent is still trolling the garden and that the daughters of Eve aren’t gullible in pronouncing progress, liberation, and equality."

I would like to hear your comments.

Why I Love Babywearing

When I first became a parent I was, shall we say, a blank slate. A terrified blank slate. I was nothing short of desperate for somebody to tell me how to do this. And, as any parent knows, the world was happy to oblige.

I was ready to follow every rule, every "best practice" that studies might show. So, among other things, I decided I was going to wear my baby on my person as much as possible.

To be honest, now I could not care less about everybody else's rules for parenting, but I still *love* babywearing for completely selfish reasons. I've become a "babywearing evangelist" so let me sing the praises on my blog. :)

1. No better way to cover the post-pregnancy pounds. Why does nobody talk about this??? It's fabulous.
   
2. No lugging a car seat. We hated the "baby bucket" car seat so much with Lilia we didn't even get one with Evan. That thing is ridiculous. It's not even meant to be carried. There is no graceful way to do it.
3. No lugging a stroller. I think Lilia was 6 months old the first time she went in a stroller. Evan hasn't been in one yet. Do you know why? Because they're a pain. Opening and closing and loading in and out of your car and trying to navigate everything differently is no fun. With a baby carrier, just strap your baby on and you're done. No need to remember which stores offer a "handicapped button" to open the door.
   
4. Way less worrying. When I was a new parent and checking if Lilia was breathing every 10 minutes it saved a lot of energy and concern. I still feel that way, especially if Evan is sick.
5. Easier to go more places. Like "off-roading" or places it would be hard to get a stroller.
6. Quieter life. I don't have a super high tolerance for crying and you usually don't get much of it if you wear your baby. That goes for public places, too. We get comments all the time about how content our babies are, because basically we just strap 'em on.
7. People stay out of your space. Especially when you have a newborn, people don't keep trying to touch and hold them if they're on your person.
8. More snuggle time with your baby. It's just a great feeling to hold a happy baby. Or a sleeping baby.
9. More shared perspective with your baby. I know what they're looking at or "talking" about. Also, they see the world from the same perspective as an adult so it's easier to point out things I see.
10. Nobody notices whether you remembered to wear makeup.
    

So, these are my own personal reasons for babywearing. If you haven't tried it, give it a shot, but if you don't like it you'll find no judgment here.

**Special note: If you're gonna wear your baby, grab a backpack diaper bag so you can be truly hands free! Much easier. My favorite is the Baby Pak. Got mine on Ebay for like $13.**

Awoohoo!

He giggles. I fall a little more in love every day.

How I've Changed

Everyone knows that becoming a parent has the power to profoundly change you, but it's amazing to look back and see it. As with any other life experience, the opportunity to change is granted to everyone but not everyone takes it. I try to force myself to not just survive, but really experience it all the way and be changed by it.

Looking back, I'm excited to see that I've actually changed in a few ways! Big girl! :)

• I have better perspective most of the time. I naturally prioritize things in my head a lot faster and more accurately the first time.
• I multitask about a million times better.
  
• I have a lot more grace for other parents. I know how hard it is, I know that there's more than one way to do it and I know nobody does it perfectly.
• I am significantly less apologetic about my life. I have an inner strength that (I will swear until the day I die) came to me with my first pregnancy. I treasure it.
• I have a greater sense of purpose. I am literally on a mission from God to raise these children up into all God has for them. I will do it or die trying.
• I accept help more readily.
  

How has parenting changed you?

Things Lilia Says Every Day

• Yaya do it!
• Ummmm.... appo joos pees. (Ummm, apple juice please.)
• Mama go? Dada go? (Where did Mama go? Where did Dada go?)
• Pahyay! Pahyay! (Potty! Potty!)
• Owie. Kisses!
• Nigh nigh, Woskie (Night night, Rosco)
• Semi teet! (Sesame Street!)
• Shhhh. Evan nigh nigh. (Shhh. Evan is sleeping.)
• Skype! Baba! Grandma! Aca! Babu! MeMe! Papa! (Skype Grandma, Grandpa, Erica, Badger, Meme and Papa)
• Bigull! (Big girl!)
• Mama pigtails. (Mama, may I put your hair in pigtails?)
• Fishie Crackers!
• Baby Moshesh. (Meaning she wants to find Baby Moses in her little Bible and give him a kiss goodnight. She cannot go to sleep until she's done this.)
• Dansink. (I'm dancing.)
• Stairs! Cook! Eggs! (I want to stand on the step stool and help Dada cook eggs.)
• Uh one shoe. (Other shoe, please.)
• Kissie! Gaewee! (I have a kiss for the picture of Gary on the card.)
  

Crazy

The last few days have been a roller coaster. To be honest, I guess the last few years have been a roller coaster.

One of the critical reasons it's so hard to understand motherhood from the outside is that so much of motherhood happens on the inside.



Two pink lines on a piece of plastic and you are suddenly a different person. Chemistry changes, biology changes, hormones change, instincts change. Your perspective changes and all you want to do is mother -- raise this baby the best way that you know how, giving them every opportunity you can.

You have mood swings, morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, fatigue, cravings and aversions, and overwhelming motivation to protect the life inside of you and to create a safe place for that little baby once he or she is born.

Then you have labor, which I have learned from my two children can range from totally doable to comparable only to the cruciatus curse from the Harry Potter series.

After that you're monitoring baby's weight gain, accepting that you can never have exactly the body you had before pregnancy, learning how to breastfeed, coping with sleep deprivation, writing down feeds and poops and pees and trying to get your baby to sleep while often dealing with continued mood swings as your body adapts to not being pregnant anymore.

One of the most difficult things about all of this for me has been the fact that, after 3 years of total partnership, Jeff cannot completely go with me on this journey. Sometimes I've felt alone in my pain or stress or exhaustion or moodiness and this weekend was one of those times.

Women are thrust head-on into the experience of parenting, but men have a choice as to how involved to be from the moment they get the news of the pregnancy. And some choose to take no role at all or only a very small one.

But Jeff has proven time and time again that, free to choose, he will walk this road beside me no matter how hard it gets or how crazy I get. He proved that again this weekend by showing me that I am important to him, that I am a priority, and that I'm not alone, no matter what. He is my hero!

I say it all the time, but I am so blessed to have this family. If I could pick any 3 people to spend my days with it would be them.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Prescott and Parade

I haven't posted pics in a little while so here are some fun ones.

When Jeff's folks were here we had the opportunity to go up to Prescott with them and see Jeff's Aunt and Uncle. Well, Aunt Lynn has a *way* with babies and Evan just conked right out on her. It was so cute!


However, in his waking time he's making quite a show of the whole holding-up-his-head thing.

One of my favorite aspects of this time of year is our town's big parade. It's such a fun family treat! This was our second year, but Lilia was so much more engaged with it this time around. It was very cool.
Jeff wore Evan in the carrier part o the time and I can never resist taking pictures of the hot babywearing Daddy!

Sometimes I still can't believe how blessed we are. So fun to hang out with our little family!

Things I Say Every Day

I thought this would be an interesting window into my life to look back on down the road. As anyone who has ever spoken with me on the phone can attest, I am certain that I say each of the following at least once a day:

• I love you. (I think I say this 400 times a day. It overflows.)
• Big girl!
• Hi, Son! Are you a happy boy?
  
• Can I keep you forever?
• Okay, but Evan has to finish eating first. Can you wait?
• Oh no! Wherrrrrre's Lilia? Oh! There she is!
• Mama needs to cook. Do you want to help me or go play in the front room?
• Are you pooping?
• Where do big girls go poopie?
• Can you please put your pants back on?
• Baby, Auntie Aca is nigh nigh. We can't Skype with her right now.
• No Nemo today, Baby. Why don't we play with your toys?
• Who's Mama's favorite son/daughter?
• No, that's Mommy's phone/water bottle/computer/food/juice.
• Can you use your words please?
• Can you think of a nicer way to say that please?
• Do you want to sing your ABC's?
• Gentle!
• Aaaah booo booo booo booo! (Getting progressively closer to Evan's face)
• Do you have a kissy for Evan?
• Lilia, if you do _____, Mama will take that away.
• It's nigh nigh time in ___ minutes.
• We don't throw our food on the floor.
• Mama needs to go pump. I'll be right back.
• Oh thank you for the snuggles! Mama loves snuggles!
• Which book do you want to read?
  

Bonus post! Before I forget....

She stopped leaving out numbers, so now she officially counts to ten. Growing up way too fast!

Points of Light

We've had a difficult few weeks in that Evan has not been sleeping well. As all of my real life and blogging friends know, I am not good with sleep deprivation. But we march on.

A few things have really gotten me through all of it. I thought I would memorialize those.

• Jeff's encouragement. We watched a movie together on Sunday night ("Date Night." We loved it.) and had a chance to just chat. It was amazing. I told Jeff I was feeling discouraged because I've never had to work so hard just to "make par" at anything in my life as I have with parenting. He told me he doesn't think I am just making par. He told me he thinks I'm the best mom he knows. He said how much he appreciates that I always seem to know what the babies need, and how compassionate I am with them, and how seriously I take teaching them things. I could go on that for a year! Wow.
• Lilia's compassion. Lilia continues to have such an inherently kind heart. I love it so much! If I bonk or say "ow," she says, "Mama! Owie! Kisses!" until I let her kiss my owie. She worries about Evan if he cries. She misses us when we're gone. She snuggles the animals and pets them gently. She shares. It really keeps me going to see her be so loving.
• Evan's smiles and snuggles. His face just completely lights up with joy when he sees me and I can't help but smile back. He's trying so hard to talk now, gurgling and cooing and smiling and thinking hard. And he just snuggles into me with his whole body. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
• Great friends. Today I was going on about 4 hours sleep, plus the chronic sleep deprivation of the last two weeks, but I went to a play date with some friends from church and felt so much better. It's lovely to be in the same boat and share joys and frustrations with other moms. I also still greatly, greatly appreciate the incredible friends we made in our small group. It feels weird to call them friends because at this point they are family members. Thank God for cell phones and texting because sometimes they are a lifeline.

So all in all it really hasn't been too bad, going through this bout of sleep deprivation. It really doesn't take long for me to remember how very blessed I am. Hopefully sleep will come soon but I'm so glad I'm not missing out on these precious relationships in the meantime.