Baby Blessings

Sunday our friends and my mom threw us a beautiful "Baby Blessing." It was meaningful and beautiful in so many ways, and it reminded me of how we have just felt like we are riding a wave of blessings for this baby. I can't believe how blessed we've been with help and good wishes and hand-me-downs, and now this.

It was really special that Jeff and the guys were included. As it turns out, all the guys there were parents and it felt good to acknowledge the importance of that. We don't believe that Mom is "parent plus" and Dad is "parent minus." God made families unique -- everyone is important. It was so wonderful of our friends to support that. And it was the first time I've heard the words "catalytic converter" at a baby shower! It really added something.... ;)

The next wonderful surprise was all of the gifts. We did not register and, in the interest of voluntary simplicity, we asked that people please give second-hand gifts, homemade items and/or big bargains. Well our wonderful friends and family did an incredible job! We got so many beautiful, useful things. And there was a lot of thoughtfulness in terms of getting things that were environmentally conscious and/or natural. I could cry just thinking of how much thought people put in to getting things that we could really use. We truly, truly loved everything.

The things we will both remember forever, though, were the last two things that happened. First, they went around the circle and each gave a reason that they thought Jeff and I will be great parents. Lots of eyes got misty! It was so encouraging to hear all of that as we brave the adventure and transition to parenthood. Then they prayed for the baby, which was so meaningful and important to us.

So, to our amazing friends and family: THANK YOU!!!

Belated Christmas

This post has been rattling around in my head since well before Christmas, but I'm still afraid I won't be able to type what I want to say clearly. Here goes nothing....

Psalm 40:1-3
"1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD. "

Zephaniah 3:17
"The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."

Singing, I have learned, is a whole body experience. When I sing, I sing from head to toe, everything working together to produce one melody, one lyric. There's a purity to it that I think is unique. One can "fake soul" much easier when playing an instrument, but for a singer your soul is your instrument. So the idea that God would lift me out of the mire and give me a song to sing has always meant to me a whole new path, a new soul, a new meaning, a new everything in my life.

Few people have the opportunity to glimpse the lives they missed, but I had a very clear picture of where I was going when I was in the mire. I thought of this over and over this Christmas: What if Jesus had never come? What if there were no advent of a savior, not just in the world, but in my own pitiful life? It could have been so different.

I would be trapped by my own idolatry, in a marriage to an abuser that I worshipped dutifully, displacing God's love and calling at the center of my life. I would be alienated from my friends, I would continue to stomp on the loving support of my family without regard for everything they've given me. And I would have had a very different feeling, deep down inside, when I saw 2 lines on a pregnancy test.

But God turned to me and heard my cry, and he brought me up out of the slimy pit and made my footsteps sure and now I sing a whole new song, mostly of gratitude. He came. He came. He really came to the nasty barns and the low class people like me who had sold themselves out for scraps of a life they wanted but couldn't see how to get.

He came and gave me a new song, a new path, a new soul, a whole new life. So my song has these lyrics: Nobody is ever too far gone. Our God is mighty to save.

Plans, Routines and Flexibility

Jeff and I had a wonderful little date last night. We drove like an hour away to go to IHOP and eat. It was really fun! It was also very sweet of him, because I love driving to nowhere in particular and he doesn't share that eccentricity. But we both had a great time!

We spent some time talking about what our priorities should be during this strange little limbo time. The baby could come at any minute, but we could also have 5-6 more weeks of pregnancy without me working. So it's a strange time.

If you know me, you know that transitions are not my strong suit. I grew up believing that drastic, painful changes were waiting around every corner, ready to pounce as soon as I became happy in my life. As an adult, it's still pretty difficult for me to deal with changes even if they're very good. But I think I'm improving and this is a good example!

I decided to make a little "workday" routine for myself that integrates my priorities for this time: Taking care of myself and the baby, taking care of the house, and trying to earn a little extra money (in that order!). Jeff helped with it and I feel much more calm about this particular transition now.

So today is my first day working it out and I think it's a good plan! It's not intended to be rigid, just a little routine to provide some security. It could only be for a few days, or it could be for weeks. But I'm excited about learning and growing and making a new strategy to compensate for an old pattern.

Transitions, and all that that entails

My mind has been so full that I need to put it "out there." What better place to put it than my secret blog? :)

Pregnancy is incredible. The process of becoming a mother is indescribable. In some ways my experience of pregnancy has been what I've been told about for years -- a million physical changes, some insensitive comments from people, lots of books and classes and decisions, losing sleep, etc. But the internal journey I've been on has been, for the most part, completely unexpected. Here are some of those pleasant surprises:

I have felt a deep and impenetrable peace. Many of my insecurities and fears have simply melted into the background, if they still exist at all. I don't worry much at all about what people think of me, I don't fear failure in small things like I used to, I just feel an overwhelming calm underlying my life. It's the most freeing feeling I've ever had.

I have had to delve into more internal struggles than I've ever had before. I've had to examine fears about motherhood, about my relationship with Jeff, about dreams and plans, everything. One of our values has been to do this "all the way," meaning that we dive in, rather than just sidestepping things that come up. It's wonderful. I've faced things I never thought I would face.

I've developed a solid trust of Jeff at a level we never had before. Pregnancy creates a dependency that I would not ordinarily be remotely comfortable with. I needed Jeff to make this baby, I need him to raise this baby, I need him to help me up and out of bed, I need him to appreciate the changes my body is going through, I need him to reassure me that we will be a team for the rest of our lives, no matter what. Sometimes I need him to be more patient than I deserve, sometimes I need him to help me get my shoes on or give a back rub. Pregnancy has been a trust fall of sorts, and the rewards have been great.

I've had to examine my values and beliefs from a different angle. I think all the time, as most expectant moms probably do, about what I want for my baby. It starts with the testing and worries and hoping for a "healthy baby," but for me it's progressed to asking myself a lot of questions about health and wholeness and what those are. I started out hoping we raise a child who can cook and change a tire, who is good with money and makes a good income, etc. Now I hope we have a child who can readily give and receive forgiveness, who can love deeply, who can identify dangerous relationships, who can accept and give grace, who can experience joy, and especially a child who pursues God with everything.

This is the job. This is the design. I knew I was called to motherhood, but I had no idea that there was a divine plan to make a mother out of me. I'm filled up by this pregnancy, nearly overflowing with gratitude and wonder and a clarity I've never had before.

Inspirations

Jeff and I are reading Zig Ziglar's book Better than Good; Creating a Life You Can't Wait to Live. The last chapter we read was on passion and the process of maintaining it. He made two points that hit home for me. The first was that everyone needs a mentor. The second was that inspiration fuels passion, so you must continue to seek out inspiration in order to keep your passion alive. I had never thought of it that way!

I made a document tonight with pictures of many people who have influenced me in various ways: as a musician, as a Christian, as a person, as a teacher, etc. I feel inspired already!

Here's the list so far:
Lorna Perpall
Rod Cathey
Robert Sage
Xander Koops
Dennis Royse
Ruth Meints
Eric Whitacre
Patricia Edwards
Corrie ten Boom
Dmitri Shostakovich
C. S. Lewis
John Ortberg
Mike Yaconelli
Amy Grant
Mister Rogers
Moses Hogan

Who's on your list? Mine is growing fast! I am so thankful to all of these individuals for their contributions to the world, and to my own life. Most of them probably have no idea. Some of them are (obviously) no longer in this world. But all of them have impacted me and shaped who I am in some way.

On to new old things

I decided I wanted to be a teacher at about the age of 9, as nearly as I can tell. Odd for a home schooled kid, but it was a passion and I pursued it. I planned on teaching English until I met Ms. Perpall, my high school choir teacher. She was amazing and inspiring and valued the work that I put into choir enough to give me a lot of opportunities. In a way, she saved my life. I had been in such a spiral before.... Anyway, I decided to teach music and off I went to college.

I got my first teaching job at the age of 21 and, other than a brief and painful stint as a claims adjuster, it's the only professional job I've ever had. And I love it.

So it was odd to come to summer this year with no plans to teach in the future. I had told my school that they should probably get a music teacher who could teach all year, and that I was only willing to teach through January. They hired someone. It was finished. I got a temp job in a local insurance office.

My school, however, called me in a panic to say that the music teacher they hired had decided on a different school at the last minute and asked if I could come back until I have the baby. First I freaked out, then I agreed. Now I'm excited. Putting off a career change for an extra five months sounds fabulous.

Here's hoping this is my best (half) year ever!

So It Begins

The urge to blog is a funny thing. Why do we do it? When we do, why do we take ourselves so seriously? Why do I feel such a need to be witty and interesting in my first one? Why have I not told anyone I know that I even have a blog?

I'm blogging because I want to clarify my thoughts. I'm blogging because I want a witness to my life, I guess. I'm proud of my small victories and I'm excited about my plans, and I want people to share that. Maybe it's just that basic human desire to be known. Odd in such a social person, since so many people know me already.

Anyway, here I am. I am happily married. I am 13 weeks pregnant. I am working to establish habits that promote health in my body and peace in my home. I am working on establishing spiritual disciplines. I am working with my husband on paying off all of our debt (now just student loans) and getting a house. I have heartburn. These things sort of comprise my life right now. They're what I think about most of the time. I have no idea whether they matter to anyone else, but here it is. My flag in the ground of the blogging world. Evidence of my existence, a record of my progress, a reasonable outline for my thoughts.

Enjoy.