Two Under Two

I no longer have two children under two! I just realized this like two days ago.

Lots of folks have asked me about how it was to have them so close together and I thought I should reflect while it's fresh.

So, here are all my reflections and all my unsolicited advice about having two children 18 months apart:

• I am SO glad we did it. I could not imagine it any other way. I thought it would take me several years to love it, but I actually enjoy it already.
• Some days are super hard. Early on we had a lot of those days. For us, having lots of help from family and friends early on was critical. For others, it works to do preschool or daycare once or twice a week for "Big Baby." If you're gonna do this, I recommend having an outstanding support system. We are blessed with incredible friends and family.
• We have been totally saved by babywearing. I find it much easier to get out of the house because I just strap Evan on and then Lilia can either walk or go in the stroller. He rarely fusses because he's where he wants to be, I don't need to worry and my attention can be focused on whatever Lilia's getting into at the moment. ;)
• Make a "no stress" zone in your house -- completely toddlerproofed so that you can nurse Little while Big plays without ever having to worry about Big getting into something frustrating. We gated off our front room so I could always have an eye on Lilia, even when Evan is nursing or whatever.
• We have found in talking to others with similar age gaps that jealousy is rarely a serious problem when they're this close together.
• Get Big into a predictable sleeping routine before Little comes! There are a million ways to do this and I'm not saying have a rigid schedule, but it's really nice to have ONE predictable baby. It is extraordinarily hard when both babies are having trouble sleeping through the night.
  
• Get used to having hard conversations with your spouse. Particularly conversations about strategies to meet everyone's basic needs for sleep and food and to keep your marriage alive and well through this phase. Excellent cooperation is essential.
• Learn how to get out of the house. This felt completely overwhelming to me for a while, but having a backpack diaper bag and a few other essentials was incredibly helpful and sometimes just going to the park is a total Godsend.

I Can't Believe I Forgot!

I forgot one more big change -- I'm taking the GRE and getting ready to go to grad school!


Please recall, not long ago, that I found out Fuller Southwest is trying to add the MFT program. I got very excited but had no idea what to do about it.

Then recently Jeff worked days instead of evenings for a training, and that week happened to be the week of a Fuller preview night. I felt compelled to go.

That's been the thing I keep saying, "I felt compelled." I can't think of any other way to say it. I know I have a choice, but the Next Right Thing just keeps jumping out at me in a way that I can't justify any other option.

This is not common for me but here I am and I have to do it. I have to do it the same way I had to tell Jeff that I'd fallen in love with him in Spring of 2005. I am compelled.

So I went to this preview night and learned a few things:
1. They are trying to get this program out here but it sounds like maybe a 50/50 shot that it will happen.
2. If it does happen the program will be extremely competitive to get into because they really want the first class through it to be successful -- small class sizes, etc.
3. Fuller is incredibly expensive (I later found out that the other option is equally expensive)

Wouldn't you think I would go home discouraged and giving up on this idea? Me too. But I didn't. I went home astonished, but certain -- certain -- that I now need to take the GRE (will be a requirement) and start working on prerequisite classes. So I'm doing that now.

I have no idea where it will lead but I can't live with myself if I don't do what I feel called to do today. So I'm going to hit the practice math questions and the vocab flash cards on my way to bed tonight. This is so weird.

Turning Pages

Funny Story:

Jeff and I got married after a very long love story and a very short engagement. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

Except the moment that I walked down the aisle. Then I totally freaked out. All I could think was: FOREVER! What was I thinking??? I am not old enough to make this decision!

Of course I was terrified to tell Jeff how I felt because I was certain it would devastate him. But I was serious about being honest with my husband-of-about-three-hours, so I told him in the car on the way to the hotel.

"Babe, I'm totally freaking out right now. Is that okay? I'm just totally freaking out!"

His response was a harbinger of his beautiful, calming influence on my life ever since:

"Babe, you don't do well with change." Wry grin.



Well, there are a lot of changes going on around here! Since many of my previous posts have been sort of cerebral I thought it was about time I update those who want to know about what's going on "on the ground." Here goes:

• Lilia's first day in "big gull panties" was Monday! She still wears diapers at sleep times, but this is a big deal for us!
• Evan is in the "only crawling backward" stage and it's sort of painful to watch. Poor guy! The more he wants something the faster he backs away from it. But it reminds me that we're entering the "moving baby" phase. Crazy. I can't imagine our family without Evan in it, but it seems like he was born yesterday.
  
• Jeff had an interview yesterday with the network operations department at his company. It has been his dream to go into networking for some time and he's been going to school for it for a while now, so he is super excited about the potential for this opportunity. The interview went well. Prayers are still appreciated.

As usual when big changes come, I am just sort of holding on for the ride. It's weird that I don't even enjoy good changes. I like them once the thing has had a chance to settle, mind you, but I just don't feel that great until the changing part is over.

Praying my way through and loving my family. I am so proud of their achievements, big and small. :)

This is a Blessing

Sometimes my days are so hard. I don't mean hard in that I don't want to do them, or tragic in any way. Just hard to finish. Like a long hike. Sometimes, if it's been a very long night, they're hard to start. Sometimes it's just hard to imagine getting up and doing everything that needs to be done -- all the diapers, the meals, the potty trips, the nursing, the dressing, the decision-making. Sometimes I'm on my knees before my day starts, begging God to let me be some kind of light to my children when I feel like I'm just... spent.

But then a light shines in and I can see things clearly.

Strange reference, but it reminds me of the movie "Knocked Up." The father involved is telling the soon-to-be grandfather about the unexpected child he's now expecting. He's devastated as he tells his father that this is a disaster. The grandfather responds by saying that an earthquake is a disaster, his mother having Alzheimer's to the extent she doesn't remember him is a disaster. This is a blessing.

So here I am tonight, exhausted and yet having a moment of clarity about what a blessing my life is. So many things are right with it. I am so loved and unconditionally accepted by my husband and kids. I'm so free to be exactly who I am. I get to raise my two favorite children in the world. I don't miss a thing.

This is a blessing. I'm so grateful to have it.

It Matters

This post on a blog about Egypt really made me think.

In our country it is impolite to discuss politics most of the time. Being politically involved is considered naive at best and a serious character flaw at worst. People who do it are often angry and ill-informed.

The problem is that the more politics becomes a "dirty" subject, the fewer people are running the country. Especially informed and reasonable people. What made our country so different and great at its inception was that we were all supposed to run it.

It never occurred to our founding fathers that we wouldn't want to. That it would be too much work for us all, some day, to keep track of the laws that were being changed and to voice our opinions to our representatives. To vote, even.

I work really hard to be a good citizen. I read a lot of news from good sources (harder and harder to find), I fax and e-mail and call representatives a lot. I post updates on my Facebook that are political in nature even though I know it ruffles feathers.

Why do these things? Why soil my reputation with the dirt of politics? Why upset people who can't tell the difference between disagreement and hatred? Why risk being wrong?

Because all of this matters. It is our job to watch because it is all of us that bear the consequences of these decisions in years to come. Laws on immigration, national debt, taxes, budgets, public education, wars -- these things affect real people every day.

So, how's your citizenship? Do you believe in being politically active? Why or why not?

Reflections on Life Without TV

I realized the other day that we haven't had TV in our house for nearly 5 years and it caused me to pause and contemplate that.

About 4 1/2 years ago we decided to make the leap to a TV free life. We still watch movies sometimes, but overall we're pretty much off the box these days.

So, after almost 5 years with no TV, here are my reflections:

• Indeed, we have way more time. We're also more purposeful with that time.
  
• We get our news from less sensational, print-based sources rather than the TV news and I think we are correspondingly less terrified.
• We don't want anywhere near as many things as we used to.
• We have no idea what movies are playing.
• When we see sitcoms now they all seem really overacted.
• Our house is really quiet and peaceful to me now, whereas that quiet would've been uncomfortable to me before.
  
• I MISS FOOTBALL.
• We both miss Food Network and HGTV.
• We still have to be really wary of the computer for the "time sink" factor.

Overall we're both really glad we got rid of it. It pushes us to spend more time together as a family, to talk and build our relationships when we're together, and to pursue other activities. It's also nice, when you're broke, not to know about all the latest and greatest gadgets you can't afford.

Is anybody else out there TV free? What are your thoughts?

And thirty-two

Today is my 32nd birthday and I can hardly believe it. I remember my mom telling me once that she's always felt 21 ("When I was 15 I felt 21. Now I'm 50 and I feel 21.") and I totally relate. It's weird to age.

I woke up at 4 this morning to feed Evan and I was too hungry to go back to sleep. So I got up and ate and found a very sweet card and some chocolate from Jeff. My parents were visiting and took us all out for breakfast this morning and gave me a bunch of my favorite movies on DVD plus a book I've wanted for a while. My Meme and Papa called and sang "Happy Birthday" in two parts. Jeff's mom sent cupcakes. My friends called and texted and wrote on my wall in Facebook. What a beautiful flood of love!

I've been so struck lately by how rich the relationships in my life are and how blessed I am to have them.

I have this theory that we are born with only two real desires: to be known and to be loved. My children pretty much came into the world saying, "Know me and love me!" Now I see that in everyone around me as well.

Of course, as a Christian I believe that everyone is already known and loved by the God who made them. But most of us are almost afraid to believe that about ourselves. We get the message that it's ridiculous to think of ourselves as special or important and that we must do something great (or at least well-known) to deserve to be known and loved.

The truth is the opposite of what we hear. We are already known and loved. All of us. We are unique and important.

I pray that I can help others feel that way as well.

TWO!

(Photo by Jessica Shannon -- www.jessicashannon.net)

Baby Girl, you're a little less "baby" today. Two years ago right now I was still just mostly staring at you, not really knowing what to do. You were so beautiful and seemed so delicate. Sometimes it took me forever to figure out why you were crying and I worried you might hate me forever!

But you don't. You love me almost as much as I love you. :)

You continue to have the most open and loving heart of anyone I know. You will make friends with anyone, you have an unbelievable memory for names and you really do care so much about how others are feeling. You seem genuinely worried when other babies cry and you tell me that they're sad. You always want to make sure that Evan gets kisses and hugs too.

You are also so smart it just amazes me. You pick up on things so fast and you just can't live with yourself if you don't have it all figured out.

You want to do everything yourself. Everything. You will try something at least 3 times before you ask for help, but you do ask for help when you realize you can't do it yourself.

I tell you all the time that there's nobody I'd rather spend my days with than you and Evan and it's really, really true. I am so glad I get to be here to see you discover new things, to hear your language develop (by the way, we lost "daippity" this week. It appears that a diaper is now just a diaper.) and to catch your snuggles and games (Peekaboo is always, always, ALWAYS your favorite and you could play it 24/7). Today we went on a walk in the park in your stroller and you just looked up at me periodically and said, "Mama!" like you'd never seen me before, with a great big smile. I feel the same way so often. Like I've never seen you before and I'm totally amazed.

Your relationship with your dad continues to be genuinely special. You two really can't get enough of each other. Most of the time he misses you so much when you sleep that it's hard for him not to wake you up! A few weeks ago you told me you were going to "work" because you wanted to see Daddy. Watching you together is one of the many great joys of my life.

I pray for you every night, that you will really know how much God loves you. I pray that I can show you a little bit of that. I tell it to you about 500 times a day, but I'll say it again.

I love you so much, Lilia Joy. I am so proud of you. I am so glad I had you.

Exalted

Evan catching my eye. This is his expression when he first sees me every single time, except when he was born. That day he was a little upset....


My husband plays this little video game with his friends called World of Warcraft. (Apparently it's some kind of big deal.) It cracks me up because it puts exact, numerical values on things like "experience" and "reputation." The other day he came to me with great delight and informed me that he had such a great reputation with a certain tribe in the game that he had become "Exalted."

Apparently Jeff has arrived.

The next morning we woke up and Evan gave me the look in the above picture, following me with his eyes wherever I went regardless of other goings on in the room. I looked at Jeff and said, "There's 'Exalted' for ya!"

I now refer to Evan as my own personal cult following. It's really far less uncomfortable than I thought, being constantly showered with unbridled adoration. It takes almost no getting used to.

Before Evan was born I was a little worried about how I would love another child as much as I love Lilia. But now I see that, as my mom would say, each of them is my favorite child. Whichever one I'm looking at!

I am so blessed by this son I never thought I would have. I'm sure you're starting to see a theme in my blog. I certainly am. So blessed, so blessed, so blessed.

Redemption

Good heavens, I'm too tired to write tonight.

But here I am and it's been too long and I need to write this post.

Since I posted the infamous Mark Driscoll quote a month ago, I've contemplated what it is about that statement that I find so appalling. Of course, there are multiple aspects of it that are offensive (and probably meant to be offensive) but ordinarily I would just let something like that go. But something about that quote stuck and I couldn't figure it out.

I realized that it was redemption.

Redemption is my religion, my hope for the world and for myself, the hill I will die on, sin qua non of Christianity. It's naive, unlikely and absolutely essential.

You must understand that if people can't be changed my life is meaningless.

In my opinion, pure Christianity is the opposite of cynicism because it's based on the notion that the most broken among us can be healed. Not cleaned up a bit or taught to follow a new set of rules, but permanently internally transformed.

Bearing all of this in mind, the idea that all women have a character flaw so deep that even Christ can only redeem them enough to sit in the back (because they're too gullible to be trusted with leadership) is disgusting to me.

That women can't be transformed completely is a lie of the vilest kind because it threatens to extinguish the hope of complete redemption through Christ for women.

People change. Men, women and children change at a deep level when they choose to allow Christ to transform their lives. I've seen in happen. It happened to me.

A Learning Home

Ask my mom why she home schooled us and she will reply, "I wanted you to be peer independent and I wanted you to be life-long learners." Then she'll give a wry smile and say something like, "I think it worked out pretty well, don't you?"

Truly, my sister and I have reaped huge benefits from her work. We read like crazy, live for discussions of great ideas and generally love to learn about nearly anything.

My mom and I had a discussion recently about what we should call what we did. The term "homeschooling" brings to mind desks and assignments and grades -- school at home -- which couldn't be less like what we did. After extended discussion we decided to call it "a learning home."

We were absolutely learning all the time.

We read books together (a lot of them out-loud), went to museums and parks and monuments and science centers, we did road trips and learned everything we could get our hands on. I have more fond memories of my childhood than I could ever describe.

I think my whole adult life I've been excited about providing that for my kids -- a space that's enriched and exciting, where the world is opened for them to explore. It's absolutely wonderful that Lilia's getting to an age where she can enjoy these things with us and we're having a great time teaching her!

And I'm so blessed to have so many rich memories of my own "Learning Home" to call upon.

Thanks, Mom.

And More Liliaisms

• Maze Gwace, Swee sound, Save wetch ike eeeee. = Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
• Ineee, wowowowow = I need Thee every hour....
• Hode it! (hands pinching like a crab in Evan's direction) = May I hold Evan please?
• I wovuuwuuwuu = I love you
• Kisses!
• Snuggooo!
• Yaya do it.
• Thomas Train! (That would be *any train* in the known universe)
• Big giwl o's (Cheerios with milk and a spoon!)
• Skype Gwamma!
• Mommy's phome (Mommy's phone)
• Ephantine = Elephant
• Sontines, emma dodd = Sometimes, by Emma Dodd (beloved book from Auntie Aca)
• Dr. Seuss, Sandra Boynton (she loves them and requests them often)
• Tuck in!
  

One more thing I want to remember -- she puts Daddy to bed. It's the cutest thing. She "tucks him in" with his jacket by pulling it up to his neck and shoulders, rubs his head and sings "Maze Gwace." So precious.

Surely Goodness and Mercy Will Follow Me

^{Psalm 23: 1} The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
² He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
³ He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
⁴ Even when I walk
through the darkest valley,^]">[a]
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
⁵ You prepare a feast for me
in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
My cup overflows with blessings.
⁶ Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
forever.

This Psalm was our meditation when I was in labor with Lilia.

There's no method of study that compares with labor. Really. There I was, in pain that exponentially exceeded anything I'd experienced to that point (or since -- my second labor was cake), feeling like the world was caving in on me every 2 minutes, desperate for some kind of rescue, saying over and over again, "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life."

Someone posted a discussion of this Psalm on Facebook and it brought me back to something like a loving relationship that I have with it. I love it like an old friend.

When I look at it now I can see that these words that roll off so easily are completely the opposite of so much of the world around us, just like they were for me in labor. The pain, the devastation, the grief that surrounds us is almost unbearable and yet we say that we lack nothing, that goodness and mercy follow us, that we will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

The contrast, I think, is exactly why this Psalm has become so dear to me. It's what it means to be (as my family called it when I was young) a Believer. One who believes. It's the root of my faith: a God who follows me with a love that knows no bounds, a mercy that is new every morning, a goodness that isn't tainted by my error, a power that goes deeper than the deepest hurt the world has ever known.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Baby Carrier Reviews

I've owed everyone this post for a while! People often ask me, "what is the best baby carrier?" This is my answer:

The best baby carrier varies. It depends on how much you want to adjust/wrap/tie, your frame and the personality and age/size of your baby. I use only 2-shouldered carriers (people LOVE slings and they will not cause back problems but can exacerbate problems like mine). I also have very chill babies who love to be worn, but I don't know whether that's because I've always worn them, or the carriers are comfortable, or it's just their personalities. Two is a very small control group!

In terms of comfort for baby, you should look for something that supports the baby's legs in a "seated" position all the way to his/her knees. rather than dangling their legs from the hips.

So that's where I'm coming from and here's my experience:

Moby Wrap:

• Least expensive and possibly most comfortable carrier I've used
• Lots of wrapping and tying! If that intimidates you, try something else
• Use You Tube as your instruction manual
• Too hot for me in Phoenix summers
• The only carrier I've owned that the babies don't seem to mind me sitting down in.
• Easy to buy and sell on Craigslist, easy to make if you're crafty (I'm NOT!)
• GREAT for inconspicuous breastfeeding if you want to learn how
• Folds up tiny for travel
• IMO uncomfortable with babies over about 20 lbs
• Extremely versatile, but I found front facing in was by far easiest.
  

Kozy Karrier brand mei tai:

• Easier to wrap and tie than Moby, not as easy as Ergo or Pikkolo
  
• Folds up tiny for travel
• Comfortable to maybe 25 lbs or so
• Neat patterns if you like that, usually has a plain side as well which is nice if Daddy doesn't like patterns
• Cooler for summer wear
• Extremely versatile: front, back, side facing in. Pretty sure it does front facing out, but my kids don't like that so far.

Ergo Baby Carrier:

• Extremely easy to wear, but take the time to make sure you've got it on correctly. Have somebody check it if it doesn't feel great!
• Pretty sure I could wear a 5-year-old in this carrier. Ridiculously comfortable up to about 40 lbs, I think.
  
• Has a pocket for binky, cell phone, burp cloth, whatever
• Bulky on someone with a small frame
  
• Mostly pretty plain, dad-friendly patterns
• Best padding on the shoulder pads as well as the waist band.
• Sleeping/breastfeeding/sun hood is attached and easy to use, but I find this one hard to nurse in.
• Front, back and side carry are all pretty easy to use, side takes a little education

Pikkolo from Catbird Baby:

• Most versatile carrier, IMO. Great for newborn (with no insert) all the way to big babies (with support belt), facing in or out, front, back or side
  
• Less bulky than Ergo, but less padded too
• Straps cross in the back which is more comfortable for me with narrow shoulders
• No pocket -- bugs me!
• Easy to use -- nearly as easy as the Ergo
• Pretty cool with air flow for summer
• Hood is not attached, easy to lose. So is the strap for wearing it on your back and the support belt, if you buy that

(FYI, the names are links to where to purchase. No, nobody sent me samples or gives me money for recommending!)

How to Use Your Voice

"Take my voice and let me sing,
Always, only for my King.
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee."

A voice is a huge responsibility. An intelligent voice, especially an American one, can have a huge impact. I've thought a lot lately about how I want my children to use theirs.

Mom's guide to using your voice:

• People are afraid of technology, but I think what you say and how you say it matters a lot more than where you say it.
• Be the same person face-to-face, when people know you and hold you accountable, as you are online.
• Never, ever forget that every person you talk to or about was carefully made by God and when He finished, He was proud of His work. If you treat them like they are worthless, you are disagreeing with God. That's a dangerous place to be.
• Telephones, letters and the internet are powerful things that can make your voice available to more people. Try to think of someone who doesn't have a voice and needs help and use those things to speak for them.
• Jesus was near to the brokenhearted but didn't give them much advice.
• One of the most powerful things you can say is "I'm sorry." As soon as you know you've said or done something wrong don't rest until you can say it to the person you hurt.
• Always try to learn before speaking.