Pearls

Our Christmas was simple and beautiful, just the three of us at home. We've hosted people for several years, so we missed that but it was also nice to just have it quiet with no real plan.

It was wonderful to have Lilia's first Christmas and I think I'll write another post about that, but the thing that floored me this Christmas was that Jeff, on our very modest budget, was able to procure my dream gift -- a string of real pearls!

A nice way to say it would be that I like classic things. Maybe less flattering would be what my friends say -- that I just want to be an old lady inside. Could be true.... But I love pearls. And more than that, I love these pearls. I don't like the kind of pearls that are the same size the whole way around the necklace (maybe I'm too short or pudgy for those?), I don't like perfectly white pearls, I could go on and on about the ways I'm picky about pearls. But I love these pearls. My pearls. He had some help from some very good elves, but the fact that my loving husband got pearls for me for Christmas is something I shall treasure forever. So far I've worn them every day (returning them carefully to their little box at night) and as of right now I intend to continue doing so for the rest of my life.

Our life just feels like a string of pearls right now and I am loving every minute of it. Almost.

I Blame Talk Radio

This is a post that's been rattling around in my head for some time. If you just read my blog for the baby/family stuff stop here. :)

I, and most people I know, noticed something ugly happening in the most recent election. Not just among the candidates but among average people. The problem was twofold -- First a closed-mindedness that was like an impenetrable wall, and second a new low of rudeness and vitriol. It didn't just flip on like a light switch (It's been coming for a while) but I have really noticed it recently.

In my own short memory I'm certain that I can recall times that it was easier to have a sensible discussion about politics. When a point was proven, the incorrect party conceded the point. When it was debated it was just that -- debated. There was a certain level of respect for truth and for people who felt differently than you. Now it seems nearly impossible to find that kind of respectful discussion between parties who disagree.

I blame talk radio.

Talk radio has become a world unto itself, passing on incorrect information with such dogma it becomes almost sacrilegious to question it, supporting opinions by the strength of conviction rather than the certainty of evidence. Worst of all, it is a world in which rudeness and disrespect are highly valued and gentle, respectful dialogue is seen as weak or even inherently dishonest.

I remember when Rush Limbaugh was as edgy as it got, coining the degrading term "feminazi" (did he start the trend of calling anyone with whom we disagree a Nazi, or did he just continue it?) and oversimplifying complicated topics to make himself sound like the only reasonable person in America. Then someone wrote a book about him being a "big, fat idiot." Not the best way to raise the level of respect in the dialogue. Now it's gone way past that. People love to watch people who have no tolerance for anyone who sees things differently than they do. Someone in the industry has learned that the more sarcastic and outlandish the character, the more listeners or viewers he/she gains, so it's getting worse all the time. And it's infecting the general public faster than the swine flu. You can almost hear the revered talk show host in a person's mannerisms and dialogue.

I'm one who believes in the power of genuine debate to educate those involved as well as those watching or listening. I thought that was a very American value to hold. We used to pride ourselves on giving everyone a chance to be heard, didn't we?

We have already suffered because of losing sight of this value, and we will suffer more. A person looking for evidence for her own existing opinion rather than real information will always be ignorant, and an ignorant public is a dangerous thing.

So my vote is for everyone to do three things:
1. Seek out genuine information about important issues(I use www.voanews.com, www.factcheck.org and www.politifact.com frequently)
2. Stop listening to talk radio! and
3. Engage in kind and respectful political discussions that use evidence rather than attack as the primary means of communication.

That's where I stand. I feel better now. :)

For Unto Us a Child is Born

Psalm 81:10

"I am the LORD your God,
who brought you up out of Egypt.
Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

I'm starting to learn that there are two categories of people at Christmastime: Those who love it and those who hate it. I am so solidly in the former category that it's difficult for me to believe the latter even exists. I have always loved Christmas, but this year was the best Christmas I've ever had.

When we went to our church's Christmas Eve service I was overcome with emotion. Figuratively, I am the one God delivered from Egypt. I had made a real mess of things at one point in my life and was pretty sure it would stay that way. And it could have. He didn't have to ride in and save me from myself, but He did.

That would have been enough.

But as we stood there with our baby and sang Silent Night I was astounded that God didn't stop there. He has given us so very much. We don't take it for granted. We know that what we have is rare and beautiful and I go to sleep every night just counting our many blessings. True love, a stable home, great friends and family, a beautiful baby girl and one on the way, our first house, a wonderful church home, I could go on and on.

2,000 years ago everything changed. A world that had believed God to be silent for too long, unaware or unconcerned with its hardships and tragedies, found Him to be more real and more present than it had ever imagined. What kind of God would walk into that impoverished infancy, persecuted life and tortured death on purpose? The same kind of God who walked into the mire of my life and changed it forever, and then poured blessings on me ever since.

Luke 2:10-14
¹⁰But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ^a]">[a] the Lord. ¹²This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."

¹³Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
¹⁴"Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Beautiful and Crazy

I have so much to say.

Let me start by saying that avoiding a subject I'm excited about is nearly impossible for me, which is why it's been very difficult to blog recently. People who know me know that I'm the worst avoider in the world. If there's something that's hard to talk about or important or whatever, that's the first thing I bring up. What was the topic I was avoiding in my blog? We're having another baby! Baby #2 will join us next summer.

Why avoid that topic? Because last time it was very difficult to go back and tell everyone that I had miscarried. Probably 85% of people were awesome about it, but that 15% who just couldn't understand or offer real sympathy were agonizing for me. It's a very vulnerable place to be, to have someone not understand, or worse or try to minimize (BTW, have a friend who lost a baby and wondering what to say? Look here!) . Of course the silver lining was realizing that the vast majority of our friends and family are totally "safe" to be real with, even when things are not fine. What a gift! But this time we decided to wait a little while and save ourselves the agony of telling the world too early and possibly having to share our grief with big numbers of people.

So we're telling everyone now for two reasons. First, someone we love inadvertently outed us in a Christmas card, not realizing we were waiting to tell. And second, we saw the baby's heartbeat on ultrasound on Tuesday! That means that we are out of the very high risk zone for miscarriage. It was the best Christmas present we could've received!!!

I have so much more to share on this beautiful Christmas day, but I will let this news sink in first.

God is so good to us.

Penance with Pictures

I didn't blog for the whole month of November? How is that possible??? Well let me bring cute pictures as a peace offering to my faithful readers. :)

The first two are Jeff and Lilia at our fall farm trip to Vertuccio Farms. It was wonderful! She thought she was driving the barrel train, so that was a major highlight. The last two are from our friends who took cute pics of Lilia and her someday-BFF Abby at their house while Mommy and Daddy were on a date. Very cute!

More to share soon.

Domestic Violence

I went to a great meeting today of the Phoenix chapter of Christians for Biblical Equality. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, they hosted a speaker form the Sojourners Center, which is apparently the biggest domestic violence shelter in the world. I was reminded again of some startling facts about domestic violence. A few things that were brought to mind:

• Domestic violence will impact 1 in 4 women in her lifetime.
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury for females aged 15-44.
• There are nearly never any legal consequences for abusers, even when abuse is reported, because they are often gone by the time the police arrive and, if not, there is nearly never enough evidence to prosecute. If they are prosecuted, it's a misdemeanor. In AZ, three misdemeanors constitutes a felony but no one has been prosecuted under that rule.
• When asked if they've experienced domestic violence, nearly all women say no in surveys. But then they say that they've been hit, kicked, demeaned, threatened, etc.
• Abuse is never an anger issue. It is a pattern of coercion that uses violence to achieve desired results. Abusers don't "lose control."
  

All of this reminds me of the need to speak out yet again on this subject. Everyone has a right to feel safe in his/her home. If you're wondering whether you're being abused, this quiz is a great resource to confirm your feelings.

I know as I write this that more than one person reading it is being abused. Please, please talk with someone who can help you. I would be more than happy to talk with you and to help you get whatever resources you need to be in a safe place.

Overflowing

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Phil. 4:7

We and our friends have come through several storms lately -- relational, economic, you name it. But through it all, and now mostly on the other side of it, I've just felt such a sense of peace. It does "transcend all understanding," doesn't it? It doesn't make sense. Albert Camus said “In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” I think I'm beginning to see the summer God has put in my soul.
I've thought so much in the last decade about the biblical admonition to build your house on the rock, where storms will not overcome it, and to store your treasure in Heaven, where moths can't destroy it. What rock? What treasure? I think I'm starting to understand. I heard a children's pastor named Jim Sumner preach to children one day about the "meaning of life." He told them that grown-ups are always searching for "the meaning of life" but he was going to save them years of wandering by telling them straight out: the meaning if life is found in relationships. My dad has been known to say that relationships are the only things we can take with us to Heaven.

For me building my treasure where moth and rust cannot destroy means building my life around relationships. And the Rock, on which the house is built, is my relationship with God.

In the last "Anne" book I finished, one of Anne's extremely frivolous friends gets seriously ill and finally dies. On the day she dies she has a conversation with Anne wherein she says that she's afraid to go to Heaven because it will be so different than her life on Earth, and nothing there will be the things that were important to her before death. Anne realizes that her friend is right that Heaven will be very different than her life because this friend has built her entire life around shallow relationships and pretty dresses. Anne vows to live her life so that Heaven will be filled with familiar things that she's already loved.

This is obviously one of those rambling posts that's more for my benefit than for the benefit of the reader, but I suppose what I'm working out while writing it is that nothing can shake Heaven. If I can build my life around what lasts forever, it won't collapse when shaken by things that don't.

Tea Party

On Saturday I hosted a lovely tea party for myself, Lilia, and 4 of our dearest girlfriends. It was fabulous. The M's even got a special NEW tea set for the occasion from their mother! After we had sipped tea and eaten delicate sandwiches and baked goods we adjourned to the parlor to watch "The Princess Diaries." A fancy time was had by all.

True Love

I'm reading L. M. Montgomery's "Anne of Green Gables" series and, of course, I'm caught up in the romance of it. I'm also fresh from a little bout of illness (which I think was the flu, but didn't get to develop due to rest and good eating and drinking water!), which served to remind me of the make of the man I married. He is made from the strongest character there is. And our love is made from the strongest bond of friendship there is, but shaped into a romance. I know just exactly how blessed I am every day to be with the person I want to be with most in the world. And to see him reflected in our daughter is beyond what I can describe in words. I am so grateful that I learned, after searching far and wide, that the truest love was to be had right at home. And that love has become my home, a shelter from the storm built on the Rock.

I read this passage today at the end of Anne of Avonlea and it described our love so perfectly that I had to share. Anne has taken her view of love out of classic romantic stories and can't imagine that it could be next to her all the time, but she's starting to see things differently.

It was as if a veil that had hung before her inner consciousness had been lifted, giving to her view a revelation of unsuspected feelings and realities. Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps... perhaps... love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a goldenhearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

Gratitude

Jeff and I are being totally challenged and changed by our new church's "Life's Healing Choices" series. It's the basis for the Celebrate Recovery program and it's essentially a brief overview of recovery based on the Beattitudes, which are the "Blessed are's" in Jesus's Sermon on the Mount.

Todays' devotion was about meekness ("Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the Earth"), and about choosing your reaction to injustice. It's very appropriate in our life right now because a friend is facing some injustice and it's becoming a real challenge to choose our reaction. We still choose to take action on behalf of the oppressed because that's who we want to be, but we can choose love and grace as well. And we can choose gratitude rather than resentment.

The amazing thing is that when I look around, we have so very much to be grateful for. God is taking incredible care of our friend and of us as well. Jeff's job is wonderful and looking like it might get even better, I have the blessing of spending every day impacting our daughter, we own our first home, I can leave the house on a daily basis now if I want, the weather is great right now, we have more friends than we can count, I could go on and on.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Lord!!!

********** NEWSFLASH ***************************

Doot doot doot doot, doot doot doot doot....

This just in -- Lilia Joy has signed "Doggie" today! This morning, at approximately 7:30 am, in her mother's arms she looked at the dog and signed doggie with a smile on her face. She repeated it several times this morning.

woot.

Beautiful Bow!

There is a lot of heavy stuff going on in my life right now that I'm not at liberty to talk about, which always stinks.

So I'm going to talk about this ridiculous, gorgeous blue bow I made for my little pumpkin on Friday. Don't you love it??? It's so classic Hollywood, right? I am not a remotely craft-inclined person, so I was pretty proud. I made an equally ridiculous yellow one. I look forward to making more. I will of course post photos

Rhythms

I have come to be a big believer in having some regular rhythms in our family's life. I remember a pastor named Ray Johnston saying "The key to your future is hidden in your daily habits." It has proven completely true in my life for sure. It's not what we say we value or even what we think we value that seems to change us in the end, but what we do regularly, almost unconsciously.

I'm keenly aware that I'm shaped by all of these little things. It matters whether I eat breakfast, take a walk, pray, read to my baby, sing. So Jeff and I have decided to take stock again of our daily habits and routines to see whether they line up with what we want for our family.

I'm a big fan of not making sweeping changes to my life very often because they nearly never stick, so in these cases I tend to come away with one thing that I want to change permanently. I'm excited to see what that will be!

Blessings, Part 2

It's so easy to recognize that God is sovereign when things are going great, isn't it? But it's a little harder when you're dealing with something difficult or unexpected. "He gives and takes away" is a lot easier when He gives.

But in this valley I can't help but remember that God has been so incredibly good to us. We have a lot of great stuff right now -- a house, a new van -- but really the heart of our family is what I'm so grateful for. God holds us so close to Him! We know how blessed we are to be partners in leading this family (we both came close to really messing that up!) and we know how blessed we are to have our incredibly beautiful baby girl. Our life is filled with, and centered around, love. That is rare and we know it. We have deep, real friendships, a beautiful baby and true love. He gives indeed.

Before the miscarriage there were some great pictures I wanted to share of Grandma's visit! It was great to have her and Lilia was over-the-moon excited every day. One of the most fun parts was when we went up to Prescott for a half-day trip. It was great! I had to take a picture of Jeff changing a diaper in the park in front of the court house, and I had to take one of the sewing machine Grandma bought while we were there! We also went to the zoo, so I'll include a few of those as well. :)

Minus One

I miscarried yesterday. It was really, really sad. I had no idea how sad I would be when it was so early. My wonderful cousin said, "When a woman finds out she's pregnant, she starts to bond with that little baby. It doesn't matter how early." So true.

There's such a depth to the emotion going on inside of me that it seems strange to be able to summarize it by saying that I'm really sad, but that's what it is. Not really all too complicated, just big. And heavy. I don't feel good (it seems so wrong that it should make your body exhausted and achy to lose a baby! It feels like salt in the wound.), I'm tired, and I have waves of this big sadness at random times. Other times I feel completely fine.

Yesterday was a really, really bad day all around. Everyone I know seemed to be grieving some terrible news at the same time! But I was able to go to a friend's house who had lost her job about an hour before my miscarriage (I brought chocolate!), and we just cried together and felt better that we weren't alone.

So, as always, there's a blessing in the storm. I won't say there's a silver lining because nothing can make it okay to lose a baby, but God's whispered love seems to follow me into the valleys, no matter how dark they are. We will leave our life and our family in His hands today. Tomorrow has enough worries of its own.

Two Under Two

So.... There's going to be another baby in our family! Can you believe it? We're very excited! From what I can figure right now I think the due date should be May 31, 2010.

Yes, it was planned, but yes we're also nervous about having two babies at once. We're excited at the thought of them growing up to be best friends, but all that is after diapers and sleepless nights. Anyway, if anybody has two under two and would like to give us advice on getting through the first two years please feel free.

In Case I Forget -- Lilia

• She's alternating "tuh, "thuh" and "duh" sounds (very short -- not like they look in print!) now that she has top teeth. She thinks it's great fun to alternate doing them with Mommy or Daddy
• We swear she said "Mama" on purpose this week. Not possible, though, right? Too young? She was very fussy, Jeff was holding her and she looked directly at me with this adorable, pleading look and said, "Mmmmmammmmma!" Jeff and I looked at each other, shocked, and then dismissed it as an accident. Well, fifteen minutes later it happened again, just about exactly the same way. Now I don't know. Shall I choose to believe? ;)
• She's trying so very hard to crawl, but as she tries to focus hard on her destination she actually creeps slowly backward so that the harder she tries the farther away she gets from her goal. Does that sensation sound familiar to anyone else?
• She now basically stops fussing, no matter the problem, as soon as she sees one of us strapping on the Ergo. I love that thing, Daddy loves it, Lilia loves it. Definitely a winner.
• She likes rhyming books a lot. We're big fans of Dr. Seuss. Also Madeline.
• She would watch TV like crazy if we let her. I don't know how long her attention span would be because we've never come to the end of it, but it is eerily long.
• She studies everything, all the time. Her brain is working hard constantly.
• When you first put food in her mouth, she always gets a look of disgust on her face, regardless of the food, even if she likes it. We think it's what she looks like when she's working on chewing.
• She's getting way into squeaking now. Especially when nobody's paying attention to her. She's extremely social.
  

Blessings

Thursday morning I decided to start our day by thanking God for all the many blessings in our life -- our wonderful little family, our house we never thought we'd be able to buy, our family and friends outside of our walls, etc. I thanked God for something I've been grateful for for a long time -- that my sister, Erica, has found a place that she finally feels really comfortable and at home. (It's unfortunate that that place is so far away -- Edinburgh! -- but I'm so glad that she's finally happy that I don't care.) I also thanked God that she had found someone wonderful to share that place with. It was so fun to have them to visit and to see how happy they are together.

Well, later that morning I called my parents to check in with all of them (they were all in Yosemite together) and got the news that the happy couple is engaged! So "Uncle Badger" is really going to be Uncle Badger!

We're elated. Congratulations Erica and Adrian!

Up and Down in a Half-Changed World

Motherhood never ceases to amaze me in how different it is than I thought it would be. From the outside it can seem idyllic, quiet, simple. You see moms out and about looking mostly very happy, you get cute Christmas cards with smiling families on them. And people refer to having a family as "settling down," like a racehorse who goes out to stud -- just chilling out and reproducing from now on. Almost like some version of retirement. Things humming along with children laughing in the background.

Although opportunities of all kinds are open to women now, the view we pass on of parenting is still right out of a black-and-white television sitcom.

My sister told me about this article, which summarizes a study on stress and occupation. Apparently, at-home parents have higher levels of stress than any other profession they studied (including nursing, driving a cab, and trading on the stock market). Well, that's more like it. And I would imagine that parents who are working and parenting at the same time would experience similar levels of stress.

This is a cover-up that doesn't need to be. We need to accept, as a greater society, that parenting is very, very difficult. It is truly more difficult than any job I've ever had. Pretending that it's easy -- almost a leisure pursuit, really -- and part of a "quiet life" does a disservice both to those who are currently parenting and to those who are considering it. Parenting is a big deal. The stakes are high, the days are long, the decisions are critical, the pressure is sometimes overwhelming and the consequences are eternal. It is truly a life's work.

But the other side of this equation is that it has changed me so much more than I expected. It is my Everest. A daily marathon that shows me who I really am and brings me daily to my knees in a very good way. Would I want it to be easy, raising my daughter? While a selfish side of me whines about the difficulty, a very small and much wiser voice deep inside knows that this process is so much better, deeper, fuller than just a leisure pursuit or a shiny ad in a magazine.

I asked the Lord to change me and He sent me a child. I will never be the same.

All the Advice I've Ever Wanted to Give

I'm in a conundrum because as a new parent I know that one receives wayyyyy too much unrequested advice, but I also do love to share what's worked for me. So instead of giving advice to everyone I know with a baby coming I'm going to attempt to take it all out on my blog. If you don't want advice, please stop reading here.

• Develop a very thick skin. Someone told me "There's no way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a good one." That is true, but most people act like there's only one way: their way. If you can't let it go it will make you miserable.
  
• Do what it takes so that you are emotionally available during your child's infancy. Don't try to do so much that you miss this precious stage!
  
• Get a wrap or carrier that works for you and remember to use it. More than once I've had a rough morning with a fussy baby before remembering to wear her. It changes the whole tone of the day! Good for baby, good for parents.
• Prioritize your marriage. Do whatever it takes to continue to connect with your spouse. Make time for dates and fun, share dreams, and most importantly be completely honest with each other. Getting through a bit of tension is much better than building resentment long-term, so if you're frustrated say something.
• Connect with God. I don't believe that anyone can parent without God's help. And experiencing His grace on a daily basis is the only way I know to live at peace.
• Give yourself grace and space. You need sleep. You need a little bit of time to yourself. You need to take a shower. You need the room to screw up every now and again. Leave yourself off the list and you will lose yourself.
  

Okay, so that's it for now. I'm sure I will give more because I can't keep my mouth shut, but I'll think of it later. :)

An Evangelical Christian Response to Harry Potter

(If a handful of televised preachers can say that they speak for all of us, why can't I?)

I'm reading the Harry Potter series, again, for the I-don't-know-how-manyeth time. I'm nearing the end of book 5, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. As it continues to challenge my faith and light up my imagination in new ways, I'm reminded of the controversy that once unnecessarily surrounded this series and my blood boils once again.

This delightful series was accused of influencing children toward evil, encouraging them to make poor choices and dragging them away from faith in God in favor of faith in magic. It could not have been more misunderstood. The magic is engaging and clever, but that's not what has kept me reading (and re-reading) the series. The characters, who feel like old friends, guide me through scenarios that force me to imagine what I would do if I had to choose, as each one of them eventually must, between what is right and what is easy. I must imagine whether I would choose faith in Dumbledore, who offers reckless second chances to dangerous people, or try to make my own way. Would I use fire to fight fire? Would the end justify the means? Would I save my own skin? Would I follow the authorities into unethical action? You must see that these themes cause people to grow, not shrink, their faith.

As events unfold, characters take every path. Some choose evil, some choose good, some choose denial, some choose power, some choose fear. It's the complexities that make this fictional story so very true.

So I am here to say, as a card-carrying Evangelical Christian, thank you J.K. Rowling. Thank you for Harry and Ron and Hermione and Hagrid and Dumbledore and the Weasleys and Dobby and all of the complicated choices that you've laid bare in such a beautiful way for me and everyone else who reads these books. Each time I read them I leave, not just entertained, but different. And even a little better, I think.

Perfect

It's a monsoon. Pouring rain, loud thunder, brilliant lightning. And me and my baby all cuddled up under a blanket, with her asleep on my chest.

Dear God, please make it last forever.

Time Flies

I can't believe my little baby is over 7 months old and weighs over 18 pounds! Sometimes something happens, some little thing, and I think I hope I remember that forever. I can't believe that this whole complicated little person is in my life. I used to be amazed by thinking about all her little parts, like the size of her smallest bone or everything it took to make her little fingers move. That still blows me away but I think a lot now about her personality -- all the little things that make Lilia who she is.

It's incredible to me that God lets us do this. We, who to put it politely have a long history of mostly screwing things up, get to make and grow and teach whole new little people. Can you believe that? When I think about the weight of it I'm totally awed. She is a person with preferences and ideas and character. She is a soul. I wish I had more words, different words, better words to express my thinking here. Today, at this hour, I understand why people get addicted to having kids. It's like making a comet or a star or a planet or an ocean, only more important. I will not feel this way in the moment that she's waking tonight and needing food and I remember the incredible personal cost involved in this process. But in this moment I feel like I could really get addicted to making people.

She still blows raspberries to communicate. It's one of the few things she can do on purpose "with" us. She does it in turns with us. She's totally delighted by it.

She lights up almost every time we look at her. Just because she loves us. Because we're that important. She really knows that life is about relationships.

She kicks her left foot when she tries to do nearly anything, but particularly when she's eating. It's for emphasis, I think. I really have no idea, but I love it.

She thinks hard about new people. No smiles, usually, for at least 15 minutes. She just stares like she's sizing them up. I would pay big money to know what she's thinking in those moments.

She needs shamelessly. In many ways, I find this to be her most endearing and inspiring trait. She doesn't strive for independence, but rests contentedly in her dependence on us for everything. And she assumes that if we don't give her something she needs we've misunderstood her. Her faith is that pure. Nothing could make me want to move mountains more.

She is such a talker. (I think she gets it from Jeff.) She's loud and expressive and careful in what she says, only nobody can understand yet. She squeaks and squeals too, which is my favorite.

She's starting to think really hard about crawling. She saw one of her friends doing it last week and it definitely sealed the deal in her head -- she wants it bad! But I think there's a bit of a perfectionist in her (also from Jeff, I'm certain....) and she only tries for a little bit before getting so frustrated with herself that she stops altogether. Gonna be a long road, little girl, if you don't have patience for yourself!

All of these things amaze me and I thank God for this job.

Exhaustion, Rest and Strategizing

First -- Who needs a thesaurus? I do! I do! Count how many times I used the word "crazy" in my last post for bonus points....

Second -- The reason I used "crazy" so many times is that life with an infant is just that. Insane, out-of-hand, daft, delirious, ape, nutty, unbalanced and all the other synonyms I can find via Google. It's also extremely gratifying (delightful, enjoyable, pleasant, pleasing.... oh wait, I've gone too far.). It's so strange to imagine that this person did not exist in the world before and that I am influencing her every day. That she loves me even though she can't tell me yet and that I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone are concepts I haven't begun to grasp. Profound doesn't begin to cover the reality of building a family with someone.

But back to crazy. It is so very easy to lose oneself and one's marriage in the fray when there's a baby involved. You're living from feeding to feeding, diaper to diaper and not sleeping enough. Add to that we've been painting and unpacking and you have a life on the edge of sanity. So you can imagine our glee when my parents offered to take the baby overnight so that we could have a little getaway. It was incredible! First we saw the movie "Julie and Julia" (very good, very us), and then we stayed at the glorious Intercontinental Montelucia Resort for a song off of Hotwire. It was the most romantic, totally luxurious hotel I've ever been to and that 24 hours was like water for our souls. We totally unwound.

We also realized that we need to do a better job of taking care of ourselves on a regular basis. First order of business? Food. No more eating haphazardly. We decided to trade off nights and actually make ourselves a good dinner. That has been lovely. We also decided to have people over every other Sunday for dinner and have a date night on the opposite Sunday. Here's hoping that we can not just survive this period but really drink in every moment of it!

Sheeeeee's BACK!

Hello faithful reader(s)! ;)

It has been a crazy 2 months. I won't bore you with the details, but I'll give you the bullet dots and dazzle you with photos!

First, Mom and Dad Brooks came out to help us close on the house (Dad is our realtor) and finish packing. They had a lovely hotel room which provided respite from our crazy, packed up apartment while we waited for the closing... which was delayed by weeks! That made life pretty crazy, but we had fun in the meantime. Here are some pictures from the hotel room and from the lovely lunch Mom and Dad took us all to at a gorgeous Mexican restaurant in Cave Creek.




Here's a pic of my mom with Lilia at the Children's Museum, around the same time. She loved the feeling of the fake flower on her cheek!




We did, in fact, finally get into the house. Our house. Our house. It has been insane and busy, but also really fun. More on that next time.

Blog Neglect

So I haven't forgotten my blog. In fact I've really missed it! But I've imagined that when I come back to it I'll be able to post all the super cute pictures I've taken in the past month. Alas, still haven't found the cord.

That would be because we're in our new house! It's crazy, it's unsettled, it's demanding, but it's ours. It's really hard to believe.

More to come very soon.

Help and Appreciation

Being a full-time parent is exhausting and amazing at the same time. Anybody who's done it knows that, but I'm not sure it's possible to understand it if you haven't been there. (The questions I get hover between insulting and hilarious....) I certainly didn't "get it" before I made the big leap!

Last weekend I started to feel really overwhelmed, thinking of the task of packing our life up in a week. But I was stopped in my tracks when I read Judson's story online. It's the story of a little boy who died of a rare illness just shy of 3 years old. It was a five-tissue read for sure, but it will stick out in my mind for more reasons than the emotions involved. The faith of both Judson and his family left a permanent impression on my mind of what a difference perspective makes. Those of us who believe that this world around us is not the only thing there is have a different perspective on everything -- including suffering and death and... parenting.

When I read it I was totally overwhelmed by Lilia's needs for that day. She was teething and it was exhausting to me. But reading about Judson made me realize two things: First, that there are no guarantees, so every day with a person I love is precious. Second, that everyone needs a break. Just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm present, so it suddenly became clear to me that I really need to do whatever it takes to be present with my daughter every day. And for me, this week, that has meant asking for help.

And my friends are amazing. Just amazing! Jaime was here Monday, Andrea and her kids were here Tuesday and Tracy AND Eliecia and the girls came on Wednesday! The loved on Lilia, helped pack, made food, whatever. It was wonderful. I wish I'd thought of taking pictures of it all on Monday, but alas I figured it out towards the end of Wednesday. But I got a cute one so here it is:

And Another Thing!

She sprouted a tooth yesterday. I can't believe it. I'm totally going to be one of those parents gazing mistily at people with newborns muttering, "It goes so fast...."

The tooth really still has to be felt rather than seen, but it's right in the middle on the bottom, so we'll get a cute picture when it grows in further!

Sitting Pretty

For a little while, Lilia has done what I call the "froggy sit," which looks like this:
and then this:
and finally this:
But yesterday, with Jeff and I both there, she did THIS!:
I feel like we should start doing college tours or something....

Sad, Then Happy

The last two days I've meditated a lot on this verse:

Romans 8:28
²⁸And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

After Jeff and I got over the initial shock from the deal on Tuesday night, we made a great plan with my dad yesterday. We would come back to the bank offering to pay $1000 in closing costs (all we can do comfortably) and also pursue other houses. Jeff took the baby to look at houses yesterday morning and found one he really liked. Meanwhile, my dad searched listings and came up with the same house. He called the realtor and he said they were closing to offers yesterday at 5, so we got one in just under the wire.

Then this morning the bank e-mailed back on the original house and said they'll officially accept our counter offer. It's allllmost finished and completely in writing. We'll start breathing again at that point.

So anyway, now it looks like we still have the house and (believe it or not!) we might even close on time.

Holy cow. There is so much to do!

"God's power is shown in redemption, not prevention." Thank you, Lord.

Happy, Then Sad

Some of you know the problem we encountered recently with our home purchase. The appraisal came in a little low, so we had to go back to the bank and ask if they would take that for a purchase price. We waited impatiently while they reviewed the appraisal and did all their paperwork.

Yesterday my dad (our WONDERFUL realtor!) called and said that the bank had agreed to the new price, but asked us to pay $1,000 in closing costs (initially they were going to pay all closing costs). We agreed and thought all was done.

Today, however, my dad got an e-mail from the bank basically saying that they changed their minds and would like us to pay all closing costs. It appears that this will kill the deal. We're super, super bummed. Nothing new has come on the market in our price range that would work for us, and everything we were looking at at the time has sold. We've given notice on our apartment, we've got boxes all over the house and we have no clue what to do now.

"God shows his power in redemption, not prevention." Lord, please redeem this situation!

An Unexpected Sunday

So we were very excited to have scheduled a date today, but that didn't work out as planned with babysitting. So we went out with Steve and Tracy for lunch and had a great time. Miss Lilia loves them!


On the way home we finally remembered to pick up the Exersaucer that Jess and Jay left for us when they moved. We've been excited about it for a while, but this kid LOVED IT! It was really fun to play with her on it!
All in all it's been a fun day around our house. :)

One True Thing

I thought today was going to be a rough day. It didn't start well. Miss Lilia woke up like 5 times last night and I was so tired! Jeff took her first nap with her, but I went to the library to snag a Culture Pass. So when I got home I fed her and then he went grocery shopping and took her so I could sleep. But of course I can't sleep on cue like that, so I laid in bed for 40 minutes thinking, "Go to sleep! Go to sleep!" and finally got up and cleaned the kitchen a bit and made some muffins. Then when Jeff came home, I fed Lilia and he and I did a quick version of our devotions and he left for work.

Then things turned around, though, which was wonderful. I was able to sleep with Lilia for like 2 1/2 hours, and then we ate and played and took a bath and ate again and went to bed. We had a wonderful time and I was struck again by how many really amazing moments there are in my average day.

I was thinking about this job vs. other jobs I've had and one great thing struck me about it: There are no widgets. Do you know what I mean? Those silly hoops you have to jump through. With teaching it was grades (which I think are a ridiculous system) and silly down-to-the-minute schedules and lines and purchase orders. When I was in claims I couldn't even count the widgets, much less name them.

But now everything I do carries such weight. It's an opportunity to serve my daughter at the most vulnerable point in her life. Right now we get to teach her about family and God and love and grace, in little baby ways. She already knows, to borrow a phrase from Maya Angelou, whether our eyes light up when we look at her. She is learning to need, which is such an important human condition that leads to so many beautiful interactions with other people and with God.

She's also learning the world around her and I get to watch. She pet the cat today, all on her own for the first time, and I thought, "Wow. She's never pet a cat before. I'm witnessing a person's first pet!" It was incredible to think about that and nearly everything she does or sees is a first. And we, Jeff and me, the little team that we have become, get to be her first loves.

This is a freaking hard job. People who have kids (and some who don't) know that. But it is one of the few true things in life -- the world is actually substantively different because of parents, and because of the way we choose to parent. No widgets. High stakes. Significance. Wow.

Feet

She found her feet with her hands at some point last week, I think. But she found them with her mouth for the first time today. Precious doesn't begin to cover it....