Babywatch Update -- False alarm. :(

I woke up at 1am with a much more traditional-feeling contraction. The whole painful cramping, going in a wave thing. I tried not to get excited, but I had to get up and eat anyway so I grabbed the stopwatch and started timing. I had contractions five minutes apart for like 30-45 minutes. I started to get more excited and considered waking up Jeff, but then I decided to try to ignore them and go back to sleep. They stopped. :(

Jeff left this morning with the words, "Go into labor and call me so I can come home!" Here's hoping....

Babywatch Update with Ultrasound pics

Here are pictures that Mom took yesterday. Can you see the poor thing's little squished face? She's even frowning! But what's important is that she has enough fluid in there, she's moving enough, her heart rate is good, she's measuring well and she's practicing breathing. Whew! All systems are go. I have a home visit with our midwife, Sue today and I'm looking forward to it.

As babywatch continues, I'm walking a lot, sitting on the ball a lot, and resting a lot to be as over this cold as possible when Lilia Joy makes her debut. My brain and heart are full, but I'm going to have to blog more later because my eyes are still really tired.

Babywatch Excitement! It's (officially) a girl!!!

Mom came down today and went to the ultrasound with me, which was super fun. It was hilarious to see this ultrasound vs. the other ones. In the other ones the baby is all compact and sort of typical of what you would think an ultrasound looks like. In this one, you could only see one part at a time and it was all squished up! It was really comical, this poor little baby trying to make the best of her crammed circumstances.

Speaking of "her"....

The tech said it's actually harder to tell at this stage whether it's a boy or girl, but she told us she's nearly certain it's a girl. So we're taking that for gospel truth and going with "It's a girl!" We're excited! Of course, we'd be equally excited if it were a boy but we'd have to buy a few things....

Quick Babywatch Update, then bed!

I'm exhausted and going to bed shortly (just got back from life group), but I thought I'd update y'all about the baby stuff today:

• Had a Dr. appt -- cervix is soft (good sign), but everything else is pretty much the same.
• Baby does NOT want to turn from posterior position! This makes for a more painful labor and delivery so please join us in praying that he/she will turn into anterior position!
• Jeff and I were very seriously nesting today, so if that changes your bet please comment on previous thread!
• Weirdly, we're going to have an ultrasound tomorrow. It's called a BPP -- BioPhysical Profile -- and it will tell us that the baby is doing okay as we move past the due date. Theoretically I will do one of these and one non-stress test each week until we have the baby, but I have a sneaking suspicion the baby will be here in the next week. The bonus is that we get to verify whether we have a Lilia or an Evan! :)

That's all. Goodnight folks!

Babywatch Update

For those of you who are wondering when the heck our little one is going to make his/her debut, so are we! We frequently get asked if there's "any news," but the problem is that as a first-time mom I'm not super good and figuring out what's newsworthy. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like! I'm sure I'll know when I go into serious, late first stage labor, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure I know the "early signs."

But in case anyone has a better crystal ball than me, here's what we have:

• "Due Date" is this Thursday.
• First babies are actually an average of 8 days "late" and the due date is supposed to be an average, so if you're figuring it that way it would be Friday, January 23.
• I've had a lot of cramping, mostly at night, since last weekend. Our midwife says that's a sign of cervical changes, which could be good.
• Last OB appt. was Monday and I was 1 cm dilated, not effaced at all, and the baby was at -2 station. These all generally mean that the baby won't come soon, but they're not certain signs. They can, but usually don't, change quickly.
• I'm having a lot of pre-labor/warm-up/Braxton Hicks contractions. That may or may not mean anything.
• I've gone through several nesting periods, but I don't think I'm in one at the moment.

So that's the baby watch. Bottom line: your guess is as good as ours! Anybody want to guess or make a bet?

Marriage, Illness, Donuts and Dependency

Yesterday was definitely a sick day. Sore throat, achy body, fatigue, just a general feeling of YUCK. I slept and watched movies for nearly the entire day.

Jeff was very concerned and called on his break to say, "Don't do ANYTHING today, okay? That means no dishes, no cleaning, nothing." He also came home to a white board full of things I was requesting that he pick up (including a prescription, toilet paper and donuts!), and a wife who was having trouble reaching the remote on the coffee table from the couch. He was such a trooper. He just went right back out after work with his list. He was so tired last night that he fell asleep on the couch in his dress clothes!

In these kinds of situations, Jeff has taught me so much about healthy interdependence. It's been very hard for me to learn that it's okay to need and accept help. Now I'm learning the next piece of the puzzle -- it's not just okay, it's good. It's how we build relationships based on trust, both with people and with God.

So last night I sat with the husband God gave me on the couch, wrapped myself up, and ate my donut. It tasted so sweet.

What Kind of Family do You Have?

One of the greatest parts of Families Where Grace is in Place is a section containing two contrasting lists: Ten characteristics of "curse-full" (controlling) families and ten characteristics of Grace-full families. These lists provided excellent dinnertime conversation for Jeff and I as we talked about our families of origin and our new family. We even decided to put the "grace-full" list up on our wall. (We now post things pretty frequently, due to the excellent example of our friends the Esparzas.)

I decided a paraphrase of the lists would be a good idea to blog, but I'm going to contrast them on each point rather than making two separate lists. If you haven't picked up the book yet, I will tell you again that I can't recommend it enough!

So, how is your family doing?

1. Grace-full families affirm out loud. Curse-full families shame out loud. In a curse-full family, shaming is used as a means of control. In those families, the message sent to each other is that they don't measure up or that they should be different. In grace-full families, you may hear messages like, "I love you." "You are so capable." "I'm here for you if you need me." "I'm glad you're a boy/girl."

2. Grace-full families are people-oriented. Curse-full families are performance-oriented. That means in a grace-full family, love is not earned by doing anything. Again, in curse-full families, love is withheld as a means of controlling behavior.

3. Grace-full families have out-loud rules and expectations. Curse-full families have unspoken rules. So in a grace-full family, everyone knows the rules and expectations and it's okay to talk about them. In a curse-full family, you learn the unspoken rules when you break them, and if you talk about a problem you must have caused it.

4. In grace-full families, communication is clear and straight. In curse-full families messages are either "coded" or given through other people. His example is great here: "If you want someone to take out the garbage, ask them to do so. Don't say, 'Sure would be nice if someone would take out the garbage' and then complain when people ignore and/or miss your coded message.

5. In grace-full families, God is the source. In curse-full families, idolatry is prevalent. In grace-full families everyone looks to God for their value, rather than looking to outward appearance, the approval of others, or the performance of other family members for validation in a curse-full family.

6. In grace-full families children are enjoyed where they are. In curse-full families children are given a hard time for age-appropriate behavior. "In shame-based families children musta ct like little adults in order to keep from being shamed. In grace-full families it's okay for them to act like kids."

7. In grace-full families everyone is responsible and accountable. Curse-full families are preoccupied with fault and blame. This is another case of control -- curse-full families use fault and blame as another means of exerting control, rather than viewing mistakes as valuable learning experiences for the kids and adults.

8. In grace-full families, "head skills" are used for learning. In curse-full families, "head skills" are used for defending. Rather than using "head skills" to keep from being shamed, grace-full families use them for learning.

9. In grace-full families, feelings are valid and useful. Curse-full families are weak on "heart skills." Grace-full families recognize that feelings are not right or wrong, they just exist. Curse-full families view them as wrong or irrelevant.

10. In grace-full families it's okay for the outside to match the inside. Curse-full families are filled with people who are empty on the inside but learn to act full on the outside. So in grace-full families it matters how things really are, but in curse-full families it only matters how things look.

So, does this give you enough to chew on?

Selling Jesus

It always feels like Christmas when we get our new issue of Christianity Today magazine, but yesterday's was especially good.

The cover image is pretty clear and struck a chord with me, so I opened to this article, by the pastor who wrote the book Brand Jesus: Christianity in a Consumerist Age. In my opinion, this guy is right on the money (pardon the pun). A couple of quotes I found particularly, disturbingly, true:

"When it's just you and Jesus, you (the consumer) 'invite him' (the product) 'into your heart' (brand adoption) and 'get saved' (consumer gratification)."

"So, given this cultural setting, any salvation that needs a sophisticated sales pitch is a salvation that won't really do anything. It will make you holy the same way a new pair of Nikes makes you athletic—which is to say, not at all. It only changes your religious brand."

He goes on to list specific problems with a marketed Christianity. The crux of it is that, in a consumerist society, we do something for a brand by buying their product based on what the product can do for us. But it never does what it says it will do, and our entire society is based on becoming discontented enough to buy again. See where this is going to be a problem when we apply it to our faith? First, we do nothing for Jesus by following him, second He isn't there to try to get us to buy His product by offering to meet our every demand, and finally the fulfillment of following the Lord is eternal, not made to wear out so we buy it again.

So, what do you think? Is this a "when in Rome" situation, or do we need to set ourselves apart from our consumerist society?

BONUS POST! Book list.

Check the side of my blog. Your wish is my command -- I've added a list of my favorite non-fiction books as a start. These were just the ones off the top of my head, but I'll edit as I think of more. I love recommending books!!! Please feel free to request recommendations any time. :)

Zephaniah 3:17

Since reading The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg, I've seen Bible memorization in a completely new way. I used to see it as putting some Great Verse in my back pocket in order to pull it out someday, when applicable. Sort of a Sunday School pin mentality.

Now I am memorizing more slowly and meditating on each line of the verse, and choosing a verse that speaks to me right now. It's been an incredible spiritual experience.

I've been working on Zephaniah 3:17 for about a week, but yesterday it "blew up" for me in a completely new way. Until yesterday, I'd been really focusing on accepting God's love in this verse for myself as I go bravely into the unknown. That's still true, but after reading Families Where Grace is in Place and learning a lot about infant attachment, I'm seeing this verse a little differently.

The greatest job of a parent, I think I'm beginning to understand, is to be a model of God's love. We learn to love when God loves us, we learn to forgive when God forgives us, we learn about grace and parenting and guidance all because of Him, parenting us. Well, I think this verse may become my "life parenting verse." It's not just about how God is parenting me -- being with me, being capable of meeting my needs, taking delight in me, rejoicing over me. I'm wondering if it's about my job, too, as a parent. No, I can't be my kids' god, but I can be a picture of the God who's already given Himself for me. I can be the one who is with them, on their side, delighting in them, rejoicing over them and showing them that God does the same.

What a job.

"I'd rather be miserable with you."

Ordinarily, Jeff is a rock. He doesn't get sick, ever. He has the immune system of steel, of which I'm very jealous.

But I think all the stress of the transition has weakened his immune system a little and yesterday he got a dreaded cold. Poor thing! He's so miserable! Congestion, fatique, sore throat, achiness, the whole nine yards.

The only thing I like about Jeff getting sick is that I have the opportunity to "baby him" in ways he otherwise may not exactly tolerate. ;) So this morning I made him Throat Coat tea, french toast, orange juice, muffins, and cut up an apple. And I heated him up a corn bag and got him all settled in for breakfast.

Over the table he looked at me with his bleary eyes and said, "I'd rather be miserable with you than healthy with anyone else!"

Made my day.

Book Review: Families Where Grace is in Place

I have a nasty habit of reviewing books while I'm in the middle of them because I get so excited. I'll probably post an updated review when I'm done.

I bought this book used on Amazon at the recommendation of Christians for Biblical Equality, which is an egalitarian organization that Jeff and I are a part of. It is a truly phenomenal book. It came in the mail yesterday and I'm already halfway through it!

The key to this little gem is that it gets at the root of the problem, rather than offering another "six-step plan to transform your family" or the like. And, most importantly, it recognizes that the root is a spiritual one. Trying harder to fix your family isn't helping because it's part of the wrong system.

The basic thesis is this: In the garden of Eden, before sin entered the world, all was right with our relationships because we depended on God as the source of our wholeness and each other as resources. When sin entered the world, so did "The Curse," which has created a system of idolatry where everyone tries to control everyone else's behavior in order to meet their own needs. So instead of looking to God to meet our needs, we try to fashion the people around us into little gods that will do that. Following so far?

Here's the worst part: Christians are often no different. But instead of trying to get people to just do what we want blatantly, we tend to spiritualize it. Like a wife trying to get her husband to lead family devotions or a husband telling his wife to submit to his selfishness, or parents trying to get their children to do impressive things or behave in a certain way. Christian books on marriage and family are often filled with ways to try to control behavior without changing the heart.

But the "Grace-filled" family is different. The grace-filled family is based on a few root principles: First, that each person is responsible for him/herself, second that each person finds fullness and value in Jesus, and finally that love is given and not earned by behavior. So substance (how things really are) matters more than appearance (how things look).

When you think of it, it's a revolutionary concept for Christians to stop trying and start relying on God to be our source. But, theologically and psychologically, it totally makes sense. I've got highlighting on nearly every page already and this book has a permanent home on my bookshelf!

I'll update in the next review, but at this point this book gets 5 stars from me!

Who are you and what do you do?

Jeff and I at my school's Winter Concert -- my last hurrah as a music teacher, for now.

Ordinarily at this point I would be grieving my break and gearing up for school to start back up on Monday. It's weird that I'm not and it's giving me a strange identity crisis. I didn't expect to feel this way, since I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember. But here I am, wondering who I am and what I do now that I'm not a teacher.

I spent a long time yesterday thinking about this, first realizing that I feel an internal need to defend my choice. Then I realized that the fear behind it is that I'm resigning from the world -- no longer contributing at all.

But (and earlier than usual, I might add!) I prayed and read my Bible and listened to God. I realized something important: What I will do now is the same thing I did last month, and last year and the same thing I will do next year. I will follow God's calling on my life and serve Him in whatever way He asks. I have no idea what that means as the road turns and changes, but I do know that I am called to raise this baby as my next step. So I will do the next right thing.

Bonus Post! One more thing....

Jeff called while I was in the middle of my last blog. I just have to memorialize the fact that that is the best moment of my day -- talking to the greatest husband in the world for 5 minutes on his break. Talk about gratitude....

New Year, New Stuff

I don't make New Year's Resolutions. I haven't for years because I try to evaluate my life and change it far more often than every year. So this isn't that post. :)

I generally hate New Year's as a holiday. (For background, see previous post re: transitions....) Anyway, today is so different.

I woke up so grateful, so hopeful and optimistic. I could already feel the baby moving and I just stayed there and felt it, absorbed it, tried to appreciate it and wrap my mind around it. To feel this connected to a person that I don't really know yet is a strange gift and a truly unique experience.

Didn't think I would feel that way because an old fear has resurfaced for me in recent days. I've been worried that parenting will overwhelm us, bury our relationship and our spirits forever. I've worried that we're not up to the task, that we've been too naive about the whole thing by looking forward to it. The snickers from other parents, the "Silly new parents. They haven't got a clue what they're getting into" mentality.

But yesterday I was inspired by reading a very old friend's website about his little baby boy. He and his wife just seem to be beaming through the whole experience. Not "making it through," but loving every minute of it. In a flash I remembered why we chose to have a baby in the first place, how excited I am to fulfill a lifelong calling to help lead a family with my husband, and most importantly I remembered to have a little faith. A little faith in the God that called us to this, a little faith in the best husband in the entire world, and a little faith in our ability to lead a family.

So I'm going bravely, naively even, into the great unknown.

**Blowing noisemaker with a ridiculous smile on her face**

HAPPPPY NEW YEAR!!!!