Bonus Post! Pictures....

These are two more pictures from Grandma Dowty's visit, which she e-mailed. I just LOVE them! The top one because it's just a great shot of Lilia in the Kozy and the bottom one because it shows one of her favorite activities at the moment, which is playing the keyboard. She's very serious about it.

A Pretty Good Week

I'm always a little proud of myself for making it to Saturday, which is Jeff's last day of work for the week and therefore mine. Most weeks I limp to the finish line and feel a little disappointed. Sometimes I wish I were one of those moms. Do you know what I mean? The moms who have it all together with dinner on the table and the house clean and the kids happy? And they never wear their sweats, unless they're going to the gym, which they do like 5 days a week.

But enough about those moms, because this is not one of those weeks for me. This week has been so much better because it hasn't been about trying to have it all together. This week has been about learning to give up, and it has been glorious. I've tried many plans to pull myself together, but failing and giving up is an idea I can really get behind. I'm starting to feel like the french frogs in the movie "Ratatouille." They're supposed to be sophisticated troops, but they surrender at the drop of a hat. Someone give me a white flag because I am on board with that!

Quick Bonus Tidbit -- one more thing to be thankful for

I just read this article on MSN and it made me smile a little. The title is "Sexy Rich People: You Should Feel Bad For Them." It summarizes a study of recent college graduates (psychologically surveyed at one and two years after graduation) with some surprising findings. A few highlights:

• The people who were making the most money and were happiest with how they look showed the most signs of depression and anxiety
• The people who had the highest quality relationships and volunteered in their community were the happiest

Every once in a while I imagine myself in the shoes of, say, Reese Witherspoon (who I adore, by the way). First I think it's nice to have a lot of money and people looking up to me, but then I think how much I miss just going to the grocery store in sweats with no make-up, or walking in the park with my dog, or knowing who my real friends are with certainty. Than I thank God that nobody knows my name unless they know me, and that I don't have paparazzi following me and that people don't have expectations about how I should look or act. And I think that there are so many wealthy and famous people who spend their whole lives going after what I have and never finding it: a deep sense of purpose in my life, peace with who I am and with God's love for me, a husband whose love is true and real and daily, a healthy happy baby, and family and friends who know me inside and out and love me deeply.

I am so rich and famous! Yes, I struggle, but I'm even blessed that I can do that so openly and have faith that my friends won't try to judge me or fix me. Thank you Lord for my life!

3 Wishes

1. I wish I had taken these pictures, but I have to give credit on that to the amazing Miss Jaime, who has heard my plea for better pictures of my beautiful baby! These are from our short afternoon at her house last Sunday. It was lovely. THANK YOU, JAIME! We will treasure these forever. And they will close out the "month 4" album, as Miss Lilia started her fifth month today. It's so hard to believe.

2. I wish I were related to C.S. Lewis. No, seriously. I'm reading a book of his essays and I'm totally astounded. He has a way of pinpointing ideas and the thoughts behind them that is so... piercing. It's actually not his clarity of thought that I admire so much as his clarity of heart, though. Here was a man who lived in an ivory tower but showered money and time and other blessings on the rest of us. He gave and gave and gave although his poor bookkeeping skills led him to believe he was nearly impoverished most of the time. He prayed that God would take his wife's pain and give it to him instead. He wrote back to everyone. He paid for a single mother's boys to go to private school. The examples of his kindness and generosity are endless, but you won't find a single one in his own work -- others tell the stories.

Most of you know that Lilia's middle name (Joy) is a tribute to Lewis. Jeff and I have read, discussed and traded C.S. Lewis books for more than a decade and they still challenge us to examine ourselves more closely and love others more deeply. So, here's to Jack. Wish I could've shaken his hand.

3. I wish I had some sort of personal central air conditioning system so I was immune to this heat. That's right kids, it's getting hot. 100-105 hot, which in Phoenix is a temperature accompanied by a certain sense of internal dread. Summer is coming. Summer. Is coming. Cue slow drum beat.

I was going to use my final wish to wish for October due to the weather, but I would never wish away those months with my beautiful baby girl (see wish #1 for evidence). So I guess it's not all that bad, is it? ;)

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling!

That's right kids, she rolled. Today. Right before my very eyes. From her stomach to her back, on Aunt Lynn's quilt.

I could cry. We need a video camera!

Progress!

One of the things that has always amazed me about human beings is our lack of perspective. We think things will always be exactly as they are now, whether that is good or bad. We also think we are all average -- that most people are a lot like us. We have this interesting way of looking at things that is limited by our location.

But today God graced me with something I desperately needed but didn't ask for: a slightly broader perspective. I was thinking back about the whole struggle to take care of myself and to get sleep. There was a moment there when I truly thought that motherhood was simply too much for me (looking back, I think that moment was the turning point -- giving up was, as it always is, the beginning) and I didn't know what to do. Today is a much better day. We've gotten to where Miss Lilia will take naps in her co-sleeper (used to only take them on my person in some babywearing device), I am in my own routine that helps me sleep better and also feel better on a daily basis, Jeff and I are in a much better groove of communication. We don't have hours-long crying spells anymore, we haven't had thrush in a month, life is much better than it was.

And we are so very blessed and so, very, happy.

Here is my favorite memory from today:

Grandparents Everywhere!

Updates and pictures all around....

First, Grandma and Grandpa Brooks finally did what they've been longing to do for a year -- high tailed it out of the desert. They have loved being near us (and a certain little person who they are very much in love with), but they really miss their trees and water and generally beautiful scenery. But they still want to be able to spend time here as well, so they bought a trailer which they're going to try out living in. Now they're here:

and happy as clams, as near as I can tell. Although they do miss that little person....

While they were leaving, Grandma Dowty was visiting! We had a lovely time. We got Culture Passes from the library and went to the Heard Museum. We also drove by our new house and went to the wonderful Liberty Market Restaurant in Gilbert.

Finally, she bought a membership to the Desert Botanical Garden and she and Jeff went while Lilia and I stayed home and got some shut-eye. They had a great time.

Now we are missing all of the grandparents, but we hope to see them again soon!

Surfing

I Corinthians 5:16-17
¹⁶ So we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! ¹⁷ This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!

Last night was another one of those nights where Lilia ate about every one to two hours. It was crazy, but interestingly I was not. I think, I'm not sure but I really think, that I have grown a little bit.

I've always said that that hardest thing I've ever learned is that life is just a little harder than I thought it was going to be -- I learned that when I was about 19. But the BEST thing that I've ever learned is that I can be changed and grow and be better tomorrow than I am today. I'm starting to learn that I can't change myself, but that God can change me as I turn more and more things over to Him.

Well, this morning in my deep exhaustion, I prayed! Not just felt sorry for myself, not just hated getting no sleep, but also prayed! Me! And I feel a lot of things, but overwhelmed is not one of them.

Ah, a little growth. Praise God.

I love Bedtime.

Tonight I was putting Lilia to bed and I got to thinking about how far we've come in terms of bedtime. Our little baby used to scream, seemingly in pain, for minutes and even hours at bedtime. It broke our hearts into a thousand pieces and I was ready to tear my hair out trying to figure out why she cried like that! Also, even during the day she refused to be put down at all for any length of time-- probably for the first two months of her life she was actually in physical contact with me or Jeff every moment that she slept. Gradually we figured out that over tiredness was a major contributing factor, gradually we got into a naptime routine and a bedtime routine. All of this was out of necessity, because it was so sad to see her so thrown off by the whole thing!

So tonight as I read to her and sang to her and patted her and all the things I do every night, I started thinking about what a gift it is that she was so hard to put down. At various times I was ready to lose my mind about it, but in the end it has created so many special memories. Jeff and I have both learned to wear her around the house and out, we've learned to read her very well and know she's tired immediately, and I've prioritized taking an hour to go through our routine and put her to bed. And I will treasure those moments with her forever. We read Madeline, The Runaway Bunny, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Mother Goose, The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes. We pray for our night, for Daddy's ride home, for other friends and family members. We sing "All through the Night," "Amazing Grace," "Go to Sleepy Little Baby," and that creepy "Wolf 'a Growlin'" song that my mom sings and that works every time. We snuggle. And she doesn't scream anymore.

I wondered tonight what would've happened if I had had an "easy baby" that would just go to sleep or be fine with being put down. I think I would've missed all of this. It's funny how things go, isn't it? Looking back I wouldn't have it any other way.

Updates, and The Roof is On Fire!

This is one of those random blog posts with unrelated items.

1. Update on home purchase: We have our inspection this morning at 9. We would really appreciate prayer that no "deal killers" are found in the inspection and that the inspector finds everything! Thank you.

2. I pumped yesterday and Jeff took the baby all night last night while I slept on the couch. It was glorious. I got up at about 4:30 wondering why the sun wasn't up. We decided to try this over Mother's Day weekend: Jeff will sleep on the couch on Thursday nights (midway through his workweek) and I will do so on Sunday nights (midway through his weekend). That way we can both get some good sleep in. I look forward to hearing how their night was, but it sounded to me like there were no horribly long crying spurts so that's a good thing! Trial and error, trial and error, trial and error. That appears to be the pattern of parenting. Dan, you're right about the communication and learning to rely on each other! It's actually a really neat bonus.

3. Crazy thing happened last night. I was working through Lilia's bedtime routine with her (I put her to bed at 6:30 and then gave her her 9pm feeding before going to sleep myself) when I thought there was a thunderstorm. I couldn't figure out what the rushing water and pounding thunder sounds were. Jeff was making dinner in the other room and just as I was about to go ask him what was going on he came in and said, "The apartment above us is on fire." Freaked out would be an understatement. I grabbed that baby out of her bed so fast and we were out the door! The first thing I saw was the fire department -- 3 trucks and a LOT of guys -- and all of our neighbors outside watching. We were apparently the last ones to know. Praise God the fire appeared to be very small and everything seemed to return to normal quickly. Pray for our upstairs neighbors. I don't know the extent of things and they left last night before we had a chance to offer any assistance.

Sleep

(T-shirt available at www.honestbaby.com)

Okay faithful readers, I have a task for you.

I'll start with background: My beloved Lilia had me up pretty much all night again last night. I stopped counting because there was more "up" than "down." Somewhere around 3-4am I completely lost all sense of perspective on my life and decided that I was a horribly depressed person and an unfit mother who hated parenting and my daughter was somehow defective, unlike other wonderful babies who allow their parents to sleep. Oh, and she hated me. And she was doing it on purpose. And I was going to die because it was all more than I could handle. And my husband didn't care, sleeping away like it was nothing for like 4 straight hours (he did that on purpose too, you see.). The only good news is that I gave up early and started praying like crazy for sanity and strength.

Jeff and I crawled to church this morning and managed to stay standing or sitting the whole time, which I am pretty proud of. But I still felt like a shriveled, resentful shadow of my former self. A poor, unsuspecting mother said to me, "Isn't it just the best job in the world, being a mom?" I wanted to shout,"NO! I hate it! You have me confused with a more together mom, a good mom. I'm a total failure. Will you please take my baby until, say, next Sunday so I can get some sleep???" But I think I just faintly grinned.

I basically demanded red meat on the way home so we drove through In-N-Out and then when we got home I fed Lilia, Jeff changed her and we went to sleep. She woke up hungry an hour later and I was filled with resentment again, but then she slept for 2 1/2 hours on that feeding! And so did I, snuggled up there in bed with our whole family. And I woke up a different person. It was so beautiful to wake up between the loves of my life, feeling loving again.

So, dear readers, the next time you find me a shadow of my former self, sleep-deprived to the point of falling down, will you please remind me that I don't hate parenting, Lilia doesn't hate me, and two hours of straight sleep will change my life? Thank you so much.

Perspectives on Parenting

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations--these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendours. "

--C. S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

One of my favorite professors, Dr. Sarah Sumner, said it best, "We live in an anti-child society."

Because of that harsh reality it's easy for parents, teachers and others who serve children to lose perspective on the importance of what they do. Sometimes as a teacher I would think of all of my friends doing more important, more lucrative things and I would wonder if I had made some terrible error and missed the boat of significance altogether. As a stay-at-home parent I sometimes find myself worried that I will fall into invisibility with no contribution to society as a whole.

But yesterday I had a thought that really impacted me and gave me clarity:

We live in a society that values money and things above all else, but in 500 years every dollar I've earned will have disintegrated. Most of the schools and companies I've worked for will probably have disintegrated as well. Every expert I hear on the radio will have been rendered irrelevant. Nobody will remember what house I lived in or what kind of car I drove. But there will still be a Lilia Joy, praising God in Heaven with angels, and she will still be impacted by the things I do every day right now.

People often talk about the fact that teachers and parents are important, but they usually say it in sort of a patronizing way. Like the way Mrs. Armstrong says, "There are no small parts, only small actors" in The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. They say it with a misty look and a reassuring tone before they get back to the serious business of earning and spending money.

But I'm here to say the job of parent is frighteningly, alarmingly, deadly serious. The consequences will literally outlast the companies we work for, the universities we've graduated from, the country we live in and the earth we inhabit. It is insane to me that God entrusted this job to human beings, but for whatever reason He did and I, for one, am going to go whole hog with it. No holding back, no regrets.

Motherhood, the Impossible Task

Motherhood is a calling that cannot be achieved for His glory without first acknowledging that it cannot be done without HIM!

I read this in a new blog that Andrea recommended in a comment on my last post, and it stopped me dead in my tracks.

Where to begin?

Let's begin with labor. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was excited but also filled with fear. I had basically two major fears: the fear that I would lose my identity and my incredible relationship with my husband, and the fear that I could not handle labor.

Well, I could not handle labor. Like, really. Three days of natural labor, back labor, throwing up constantly, the whole nine yards. I admit freely that I spent several hours of my exceedingly long labor trying to figure out if there was any way out of it without actually giving birth. No luck. So I struggled and just tried to keep existing through all of it. And wondered where I could go to resign. The one thing I knew for sure was that I could not handle it at all. I wondered over and over again how women do this every day, this thing that felt like torture to me, relentlessly assaulting me every 3 minutes for 60 hours. I wondered how other women do it, but I knew for sure that I could not.

As it turns out, that realization was a major turning point for me. Many times in my walk with the Lord I have realized at various levels that it's not about trying, it's about giving up. But never has it hit so close to home. To try was to fail, to give up was to conquer. No wonder they say that giving birth isn't just about making babies, it's about making mothers. I had to learn right from the get-go that I was in way over my head.

The lesson is simple and incredibly difficult: The reason mothering feels impossible is that it is, in fact, impossible. The reason I feel in the middle of the 6th sleepless night (during the 4th straight hourly feeding) like I cannot do this for one more minute is that, well, I cannot do this for one more minute. Hold on while I read that italicized part over a few times....

I sometimes wonder how other moms seem to have it so together when I often feel like I'm falling apart. Now I know that it doesn't matter how they do it, it only matters that I know I cannot. The sooner I wave the white flag of surrender, the sooner the Boss can conquer. Apparently when He said that His strength is made perfect in our weakness, He meant my weakness. And He was not kidding about the weakness part.

So, I'm doing what I'm supposed to do according to the Plan, which is of course to fail. What a relief! My friend Charity told me today, "It's a much freer way to live" and it's so true.

Okay, Boss. It's all You.

Design on... Nothing.

Today I have realized that the most difficult part of owning a home for me is going to be not spending anything to decorate it. We have money budgeted for paint and to clean the carpet (which is neutral), but that is IT. No great deals at Goodwill, no money for extras at all until we are done paying off our student loans. Which could be a while. And I should add that my taste in decorating is very expensive -- I like traditional stuff, textures, etc.

So, first, thanks for listening to me lament my sad situation.

Second, what's your very best tip for decorating with no money at all?

Mother's Day Weekend Pictures

We had an absolutely lovely Mother's Day weekend. Jeff gave me potted flowers and he and Lilia each gave me a card. My mom is right -- she is advanced, writing me a card at the age of 3 1/2 months! :)

These first few are in church.


This is our friend Tracy, beaming through Mother's Day and very patiently awaiting her son who will be arriving this summer! She's far more patient than I was....

I don't know what this look is, but it cracks me up.


The trailer!
Here's our little date in Prescott, with our banana split! It was wonderful.

Mother's Day Weekend Pictures

Updates All Around

1. We just got back from the "maiden voyage" of my parents' travel trailer in Prescott, which was awesome. We stayed at a campground at Lynx Lake, but it was the farthest thing from camping I've ever done in a campground! It was posh. Beds and couches, sinks and stoves posh. Definitely my favorite way to camp with an infant. And Jeff and I left said infant with my parents for about 4 hours yesterday while we went into Prescott and had a banana split. Then we went to Goodwill where I scored a cute shirt and a fabulous pair of jeans. Lilia did well during the day, but her nights were a little rough. So, all told, we're glad to be home. Pictures to follow.

2. Our offer on the house was accepted! We're on our way! WOOT!

Things from my childood I want for Lilia...

--A foundation of love for the Lord
--"The Baptism of Jesse Taylor"
--A sister :)
--Spontaneity
--A love of learning
--Books. Everywhere.
--Parents who care to hear about the friends, crushes, and general drama of Jr. High.
--Disneyland
--Deep discussions
--Shared adventures
--Camping
--Grandpa's Special
--"Front Seat, Back Seat"
--Reading aloud together
--Singing together (especially in the car)
--Cheesy Elvis movies
--Frito Pie
--Birthday breakfast
--The Best Christmas Pageant Ever
--Laughing loud
--Board games
--Deep community
--Love for a good story
--Inside jokes
--Church musicals
--Peanut butter pancakes
--The ability to figure it out for herself
--Old friends
--A treehouse
--Lots of animals
--Woods

Book Review -- When the Game is Over, it All Goes Back in the Box

Jeff and I actually listened to this book on CD on our California trip, so I don't have the pages in front of me to flip through as I review it.

First, John Ortberg. I love him. We both love him. Jeff and I read his book The Life You've Always Wanted and it totally changed our lives. It was like having a spiritual formation mentor who is absolutely amazing. His style is clear and comfortable and his self-deprecating humor is absolutely hilarious. The book doesn't just inspire change, it makes you really want to have coffee with John Ortberg.

I liked this book, but not as well as that one. To me, that one is the gold mine because that's the one that describes the spiritual formation process, which to me is the meaning of life. So where do you go from there?

When the Game is Over is essentially a book about priorities, about what Ortberg calls "regret-proofing" your life. Again the clarity and humility in the writing are outstanding and the concept is piercing. He has a way of making you examine yourself to the point that it makes you uncomfortable, which I think is difficult for a book to do. In general books allow a person to stand at a distance from themselves, but Ortberg's brutal honesty with himself leaves the reader with no option but to examine herself deeply. Which is painful.

Example: Ortberg refers to a discussion he had with some pastors at a conference. One guy asked "How's your church going?" He explains that that's pastor-speak for "How big is your church?" which is pastor-speak for "How important are you?" He goes on to discuss how tempted he was to lie in that situation to inflate his own importance. Painful? Yes. True? Absolutely. It's impossible not to relate when you realize that even famous pastors are tempted to inflate their own importance!

My favorite thing about non-fiction (do we call them self-help?) books is the aftertaste -- the thoughts that stick with you. In this case, the thought of regret-proofing my life has stuck with me. It provides a clarity that is extremely helpful to me at a stage where I'm navigating a whole new normal in my life.

The Alyssa Review gives this one 4 out of 5 stars, and I recommend reading it as soon as you're done with The Life You've Always Wanted, which has earned a place in my top 5 books of all time. :)

Midwives and Houses and Teeth, Oh My!

Three basically unrelated updates today:

1. Went to the International Midwives' Day Celebration at Papago Park yesterday. It was lovely and sweet and hippie all over. The best part was seeing Sue, our amazing midwife, and finally getting a picture of her holding Lilia. She has the sweetest, most calming spirit. That's definitely a good thing in labor!

2. We saw and made an offer on a house this morning. We love the area, we love the floor plan, we love the front and back yards. We don't love the super 70's kitchen but these things can be updated in time. We're learning not to get our hopes up with each offer in this market. We could end up getting many offers rejected before someone accepts one. This house already has one other offer in, so they're looking for our "highest and best." We gave it to them according to our budget. So here's hoping!

3. A wonderful Bradley friend, Liz, e-mailed and suggested that Lilia's recent craziness could be due to teething/preteething. (Interestingly, our amazing midwife, Sue had suggested that she might be teething when we were going through something a little while ago, but it had gone away on its own so I didn't think much of it.) I looked in our fabulous Dr. Sears bible of babies and sure enough it seemed that Lilia is showing many signs of teething. So I called the pediatrician to ask what they recommend doing to help her with the pain and help her sleep. I left a message with the triage nurse. Well, I got a call back saying I needed to take her in today! The nurse even asked how far we live from the office and made an appointment in like 30 minutes. It scared the heck out of me and I actually cried on the way to the doctor. Of course it was in the afternoon so I was flying solo.

Well we got to the office and our pediatrician basically confirmed what I thought -- teething a little early. Nothing to be worried about at all. I posted on Facebook asking for advice and many folks recommended Hylands teething tablets, which are homeopathic and said to work wonders. I went right out to Target and got some, used them tonight and Lilia is sleeping peacefully as I write. Thank you Lord, and thank you to all those who suggested Hylands!

Now I'm going to go sleep peacefully. :)

Update -- Becoming human again! Thank you, JEFFREY!!!

Well, let me just start by saying that my husband Jeff is the most wonderful person in the world. I married him mostly to get a closer look because I really want to be like him when I grow up. Most of the time I seriously think he should give some kind of class or something about being the best husband in the world. This is just one more in a long series of examples of his incredible ability to love and serve others (not just me and Lilia).

I'm just about ready to declare myself okay again, thank goodness. I really was starting to lose it, but Jeff has been amazing. He basically did everything possible to take 100% charge of Lilia and give me a break. He even gave her one of her night feedings so I could try to sleep (yes, she's still eating every 2 hours). And today he was absolutely fabulous as we went house hunting again.

And then I got a massage.

And then he took the baby and went to Bible study (after -- I'm not making this up -- baking pies for the potluck!) , instructing me to go to sleep so I can catch up a little.

So I'm going to hit the hay and get some sleep while I can. Thanks so much, Baby!!!

Exhaustion

The good news: Miss Lilia has really settled in to a routine during the day and is napping well. This is good because we need to be house hunting pretty much every day and she can generally just sleep in the car.

The bad news: She's back to eating every two hours all night and I am losing it. Jeff has come home and rescued me a couple of times, but I'm worried about him losing sleep because he has to go to work. The problem, however, is that I just feel like a 24-hour Denny's. And then to make matters worse there's some issue that is causing her to cry when she eats or after (we're still doing detective work and trying to figure out what that is!). So last night Jeff came home at about 11:30, when he used to find us happily asleep in bed, to Lilia screaming in pain and me near tears after trying to get sleep and failing since 6pm. He graciously took her and walked her while I cried in bed. The first couple of nights of this were okay, but I'm not going to survive if it keeps going!

It is very hard to keep any kind of perspective at all when you don't get a certain minimal amount of sleep, but I'm trying to hang on to some. Lord, keep me sane!

Pictures!

Brian and Fujiko and the girls with Lilia and Grandma Dowty.
Lilia and Sana in conversation.
Jeff and Sana cooking.
Me and the girls, with my girl sort of starting to fall off the end.
Bridgett and Lilia in the church nursery!

Good times. :)