And a Happy New Year

I have so many posts to write, rattling around in my head.

But today I have to write this one, because it's the last day of such a year. Such a year.

My mom told me a few years ago that our life then was about sowing faithfully. We were so careful with our budget, our time, our plans, but we hadn't seen a ton of fruit yet.

This year was about reaping. We're still trying to sow faithfully but so much has come to fruition in our lives this year. I don't think I've ever felt as grateful on a day-by-day basis as I do right now.

A husband I adore, who adores me back and shows it by partnering in the daily nitty gritty of life with me. A toddler whose heart is so big and beautiful and generous and open that it inspires me every day. A baby boy whose cuddles and smiles give me joy and strength on a daily basis.

If I die tomorrow, let it be known that God was more generous with me than I ever deserved or imagined and that I walked in wide-eyed wonder of His boundless grace in my life.

Merry Christmas!

I've been up since 4 this morning, thinking of what today will mean in terms of joy for my family.

(The family that I still can't believe I have.)

I'm smelling spiced cider and imagining Lilia with her new race cars and train set and feeding Evan in the light of the Christmas tree and thanking God, again, for the birth of hope. In the world and in me.

Good News of Great Joy

It's Christmas and I love it. I love all of it. I love the music, the lights, the movies, the food, the general warmth. I don't sweat the commercialism and we do a very simple Christmas so I'm not too stressed out about it.

But there is a Christmas inside that is so difficult to explain.

Two thousand years ago the world was bent by the enormous load of grief that comes with knowing it's not supposed to be like this. Everyone tried harder to do things right, to think of another sacrifice that would make them okay, give them a clean slate, un-tarnish them. They made more rules and tried every way they knew how to make life, to make themselves into what they knew they should be. More loving, kinder, more generous and compassionate.

But what they really needed was a word from the God who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. How could they ever climb to where He was? Surely He could make everything right, but how would they ever get to Him?

Only a few years ago I was bent by that same load of grief. I knew the world was not as it should be. I knew I was not as I should be. I felt broken and tarnished and ruined in a thousand ways.

What I really needed was a word from God, who seemed so silent, distant and demanding. I knew He could make it right, but how could I ever climb to where he was? Every time I tried to clean myself up I made the mess worse.

So, to a world that was broken beyond repair, to me, damaged beyond recognition, He came.

Emmanuel, the final Word on where God stands in relation to those suffering from our own badness or the badness of others or a little of both: God is with us. The God who seemed so distant came. He didn't send a word or a message or a prophet. He came. He couldn't imagine leaving us to suffer alone, so He came and suffered with us. And offered us a whole new heart.

My friends are all really good at thinking of ways to teach their kids about the real meaning of Christmas, but I find that I am not. I can show my toddler a baby in a manger and tell her about Jesus' birthday, but how can she understand what it means to be the weary world, rejoicing with a thrill of hope. Real hope.

Not the hope of a new diet or a new time management plan or a new resolution, the hope of a new heart when you think all hope is gone.

My wonderful pastor, Duane, explained the difference between "good news" and "great joy" this way: Good news is hearing that someone sent out a check for $100,000 to change someone's life. Great joy is when it's you that's receiving the check.

So I will add a new prayer for my children. I pray that they know the good news of Christmas, but also that it becomes their own Great Joy. I pray that Emmanuel will be with them, too, and will write their stories someday as He has rewritten mine.

My Favorite Mommy Jobs

(Disclaimer:I don't mean "Mommy jobs" to the exclusion of Daddy. Indeed, Jeff does many of these jobs quite frequently, as well as or better than me!)

1. Kissing minor owies. Or pretend owies, or the doll's owies.
2. Singing.
3. Introducing them to new things or places.
4. Snuggling when clingy or afraid.
5. Making Christmas happen.
6. Reading stories.
7. Bedtime routines.
8. Nursing/snuggling while napping.
9. Comforting after nightmares.
10. Teaching counting, ABC's, days of the week, etc.

In Contrast

Dorothy Sayers, Are Women Human?:

"Perhaps it is no wonder that women were the first at the Cradle and the last at the Cross. They had never known a man like this Man – there never has been another. A prophet and teacher who never nagged at them, never flattered or coaxed or patronized; who never made arch jokes about them, never treated them as “The women, God help us?” or “The ladies, God bless them!”; who rebuked without querulousness and praised without condescension; who took their arguments seriously; who never mapped out their sphere for them, never urged them to be feminine or jeered at them for being female; who had no axe to grind and no uneasy male dignity to defend; who took them as he found them and was completely unself-conscious. There is no act, no sermon, no parable in the whole Gospel that borrows its pungency from female perversity; nobody could possibly guess from the words or deeds of Jesus that there was anything “funny” about woman’s nature."

Some women have wondered why/how I stay Christian among so much sexism. This is why: I run past it all, straight into the arms of Jesus.

Again, I would love your comments!

Fit to be Tied

Mark Driscoll is a popular Christian leader, pastor of Mars Hill megachurch in Seattle, and other of over a dozen books including The Relevant Church.

Here's his analysis of Paul's view of women leading the church:

"Without blushing, Paul is simply stating that when it comes to leading in the church, women are unfit because they are more gullible and easier to deceive than men. While many irate women have disagreed with his assessment through the years, it does appear from this that such women who fail to trust his instruction and follow his teaching are much like their mother Eve and are well-intended but ill-informed. . . Before you get all emotional like a woman in hearing this, please consider the content of the women’s magazines at your local grocery store that encourages liberated women in our day to watch porno with their boyfriends, master oral sex for men who have no intention of marrying them, pay for their own dates in the name of equality, spend an average of three-fourths of their childbearing years having sex but trying not to get pregnant, and abort 1/3 of all babies – and ask yourself if it doesn’t look like the Serpent is still trolling the garden and that the daughters of Eve aren’t gullible in pronouncing progress, liberation, and equality."

I would like to hear your comments.

Why I Love Babywearing

When I first became a parent I was, shall we say, a blank slate. A terrified blank slate. I was nothing short of desperate for somebody to tell me how to do this. And, as any parent knows, the world was happy to oblige.

I was ready to follow every rule, every "best practice" that studies might show. So, among other things, I decided I was going to wear my baby on my person as much as possible.

To be honest, now I could not care less about everybody else's rules for parenting, but I still *love* babywearing for completely selfish reasons. I've become a "babywearing evangelist" so let me sing the praises on my blog. :)

1. No better way to cover the post-pregnancy pounds. Why does nobody talk about this??? It's fabulous.
   
2. No lugging a car seat. We hated the "baby bucket" car seat so much with Lilia we didn't even get one with Evan. That thing is ridiculous. It's not even meant to be carried. There is no graceful way to do it.
3. No lugging a stroller. I think Lilia was 6 months old the first time she went in a stroller. Evan hasn't been in one yet. Do you know why? Because they're a pain. Opening and closing and loading in and out of your car and trying to navigate everything differently is no fun. With a baby carrier, just strap your baby on and you're done. No need to remember which stores offer a "handicapped button" to open the door.
   
4. Way less worrying. When I was a new parent and checking if Lilia was breathing every 10 minutes it saved a lot of energy and concern. I still feel that way, especially if Evan is sick.
5. Easier to go more places. Like "off-roading" or places it would be hard to get a stroller.
6. Quieter life. I don't have a super high tolerance for crying and you usually don't get much of it if you wear your baby. That goes for public places, too. We get comments all the time about how content our babies are, because basically we just strap 'em on.
7. People stay out of your space. Especially when you have a newborn, people don't keep trying to touch and hold them if they're on your person.
8. More snuggle time with your baby. It's just a great feeling to hold a happy baby. Or a sleeping baby.
9. More shared perspective with your baby. I know what they're looking at or "talking" about. Also, they see the world from the same perspective as an adult so it's easier to point out things I see.
10. Nobody notices whether you remembered to wear makeup.
    

So, these are my own personal reasons for babywearing. If you haven't tried it, give it a shot, but if you don't like it you'll find no judgment here.

**Special note: If you're gonna wear your baby, grab a backpack diaper bag so you can be truly hands free! Much easier. My favorite is the Baby Pak. Got mine on Ebay for like $13.**

Awoohoo!

He giggles. I fall a little more in love every day.

How I've Changed

Everyone knows that becoming a parent has the power to profoundly change you, but it's amazing to look back and see it. As with any other life experience, the opportunity to change is granted to everyone but not everyone takes it. I try to force myself to not just survive, but really experience it all the way and be changed by it.

Looking back, I'm excited to see that I've actually changed in a few ways! Big girl! :)

• I have better perspective most of the time. I naturally prioritize things in my head a lot faster and more accurately the first time.
• I multitask about a million times better.
  
• I have a lot more grace for other parents. I know how hard it is, I know that there's more than one way to do it and I know nobody does it perfectly.
• I am significantly less apologetic about my life. I have an inner strength that (I will swear until the day I die) came to me with my first pregnancy. I treasure it.
• I have a greater sense of purpose. I am literally on a mission from God to raise these children up into all God has for them. I will do it or die trying.
• I accept help more readily.
  

How has parenting changed you?

Things Lilia Says Every Day

• Yaya do it!
• Ummmm.... appo joos pees. (Ummm, apple juice please.)
• Mama go? Dada go? (Where did Mama go? Where did Dada go?)
• Pahyay! Pahyay! (Potty! Potty!)
• Owie. Kisses!
• Nigh nigh, Woskie (Night night, Rosco)
• Semi teet! (Sesame Street!)
• Shhhh. Evan nigh nigh. (Shhh. Evan is sleeping.)
• Skype! Baba! Grandma! Aca! Babu! MeMe! Papa! (Skype Grandma, Grandpa, Erica, Badger, Meme and Papa)
• Bigull! (Big girl!)
• Mama pigtails. (Mama, may I put your hair in pigtails?)
• Fishie Crackers!
• Baby Moshesh. (Meaning she wants to find Baby Moses in her little Bible and give him a kiss goodnight. She cannot go to sleep until she's done this.)
• Dansink. (I'm dancing.)
• Stairs! Cook! Eggs! (I want to stand on the step stool and help Dada cook eggs.)
• Uh one shoe. (Other shoe, please.)
• Kissie! Gaewee! (I have a kiss for the picture of Gary on the card.)
  

Crazy

The last few days have been a roller coaster. To be honest, I guess the last few years have been a roller coaster.

One of the critical reasons it's so hard to understand motherhood from the outside is that so much of motherhood happens on the inside.



Two pink lines on a piece of plastic and you are suddenly a different person. Chemistry changes, biology changes, hormones change, instincts change. Your perspective changes and all you want to do is mother -- raise this baby the best way that you know how, giving them every opportunity you can.

You have mood swings, morning sickness, weight gain, stretch marks, fatigue, cravings and aversions, and overwhelming motivation to protect the life inside of you and to create a safe place for that little baby once he or she is born.

Then you have labor, which I have learned from my two children can range from totally doable to comparable only to the cruciatus curse from the Harry Potter series.

After that you're monitoring baby's weight gain, accepting that you can never have exactly the body you had before pregnancy, learning how to breastfeed, coping with sleep deprivation, writing down feeds and poops and pees and trying to get your baby to sleep while often dealing with continued mood swings as your body adapts to not being pregnant anymore.

One of the most difficult things about all of this for me has been the fact that, after 3 years of total partnership, Jeff cannot completely go with me on this journey. Sometimes I've felt alone in my pain or stress or exhaustion or moodiness and this weekend was one of those times.

Women are thrust head-on into the experience of parenting, but men have a choice as to how involved to be from the moment they get the news of the pregnancy. And some choose to take no role at all or only a very small one.

But Jeff has proven time and time again that, free to choose, he will walk this road beside me no matter how hard it gets or how crazy I get. He proved that again this weekend by showing me that I am important to him, that I am a priority, and that I'm not alone, no matter what. He is my hero!

I say it all the time, but I am so blessed to have this family. If I could pick any 3 people to spend my days with it would be them.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Prescott and Parade

I haven't posted pics in a little while so here are some fun ones.

When Jeff's folks were here we had the opportunity to go up to Prescott with them and see Jeff's Aunt and Uncle. Well, Aunt Lynn has a *way* with babies and Evan just conked right out on her. It was so cute!


However, in his waking time he's making quite a show of the whole holding-up-his-head thing.

One of my favorite aspects of this time of year is our town's big parade. It's such a fun family treat! This was our second year, but Lilia was so much more engaged with it this time around. It was very cool.
Jeff wore Evan in the carrier part o the time and I can never resist taking pictures of the hot babywearing Daddy!

Sometimes I still can't believe how blessed we are. So fun to hang out with our little family!

Things I Say Every Day

I thought this would be an interesting window into my life to look back on down the road. As anyone who has ever spoken with me on the phone can attest, I am certain that I say each of the following at least once a day:

• I love you. (I think I say this 400 times a day. It overflows.)
• Big girl!
• Hi, Son! Are you a happy boy?
  
• Can I keep you forever?
• Okay, but Evan has to finish eating first. Can you wait?
• Oh no! Wherrrrrre's Lilia? Oh! There she is!
• Mama needs to cook. Do you want to help me or go play in the front room?
• Are you pooping?
• Where do big girls go poopie?
• Can you please put your pants back on?
• Baby, Auntie Aca is nigh nigh. We can't Skype with her right now.
• No Nemo today, Baby. Why don't we play with your toys?
• Who's Mama's favorite son/daughter?
• No, that's Mommy's phone/water bottle/computer/food/juice.
• Can you use your words please?
• Can you think of a nicer way to say that please?
• Do you want to sing your ABC's?
• Gentle!
• Aaaah booo booo booo booo! (Getting progressively closer to Evan's face)
• Do you have a kissy for Evan?
• Lilia, if you do _____, Mama will take that away.
• It's nigh nigh time in ___ minutes.
• We don't throw our food on the floor.
• Mama needs to go pump. I'll be right back.
• Oh thank you for the snuggles! Mama loves snuggles!
• Which book do you want to read?
  

Bonus post! Before I forget....

She stopped leaving out numbers, so now she officially counts to ten. Growing up way too fast!

Points of Light

We've had a difficult few weeks in that Evan has not been sleeping well. As all of my real life and blogging friends know, I am not good with sleep deprivation. But we march on.

A few things have really gotten me through all of it. I thought I would memorialize those.

• Jeff's encouragement. We watched a movie together on Sunday night ("Date Night." We loved it.) and had a chance to just chat. It was amazing. I told Jeff I was feeling discouraged because I've never had to work so hard just to "make par" at anything in my life as I have with parenting. He told me he doesn't think I am just making par. He told me he thinks I'm the best mom he knows. He said how much he appreciates that I always seem to know what the babies need, and how compassionate I am with them, and how seriously I take teaching them things. I could go on that for a year! Wow.
• Lilia's compassion. Lilia continues to have such an inherently kind heart. I love it so much! If I bonk or say "ow," she says, "Mama! Owie! Kisses!" until I let her kiss my owie. She worries about Evan if he cries. She misses us when we're gone. She snuggles the animals and pets them gently. She shares. It really keeps me going to see her be so loving.
• Evan's smiles and snuggles. His face just completely lights up with joy when he sees me and I can't help but smile back. He's trying so hard to talk now, gurgling and cooing and smiling and thinking hard. And he just snuggles into me with his whole body. It's the most wonderful feeling in the world.
• Great friends. Today I was going on about 4 hours sleep, plus the chronic sleep deprivation of the last two weeks, but I went to a play date with some friends from church and felt so much better. It's lovely to be in the same boat and share joys and frustrations with other moms. I also still greatly, greatly appreciate the incredible friends we made in our small group. It feels weird to call them friends because at this point they are family members. Thank God for cell phones and texting because sometimes they are a lifeline.

So all in all it really hasn't been too bad, going through this bout of sleep deprivation. It really doesn't take long for me to remember how very blessed I am. Hopefully sleep will come soon but I'm so glad I'm not missing out on these precious relationships in the meantime.

They did it again.

Grew, I mean. Overnight.

I did not tell them they could do this, yet they persist.

Evan is now holding his head up all over the place like it's no thing, continuing to have complete conversations with anything with a face, and now trying to crawl.

Lilia has learned to say the whole word for Skype, and she's just.... well, big. She's big. We kept telling her she was a big girl and now she is one and I sort of wish I could take it back.

There are no words to describe how I just want to drink it. Parenting at this stage is so hard, so exhausting, that it sometimes makes me forget who I am. It's disorienting. I'm sleep deprived and broke and often worried I'm just doing the whole thing wrong.

And yet when I imagine these years slipping steadily away I just want to cry at the thought. I really don't take a minute of these babies for granted.

It's Not Supposed to Be Like This

(Be forewarned that this post is pretty raw.)

I went to a funeral yesterday. Pretty sure it was a 24 inch casket, all decked out in pink flowers. My neighbors' precious, innocent, beautiful, 2 1/2-month-old baby girl died in their arms Monday.

It's not supposed to be like this.

Oh, but it is like this. It's excruciating. I've recently prayed for another beautiful family who lost another beautiful baby and a friend who suddenly lost a long-time friend who had only just become his girlfriend.

As this amazing mother who had only 16 days with her son wrote, "When I consider the collective weight of grief people are bearing, I am amazed that the world does not sink under it."

I've heard that "everything happens for a reason," that somehow we should be okay with this. People are uncomfortable, I suppose, with the wrongness of all of it. They want to make it cleaner, make it somehow okay.

My feelings are too much to articulate. So I will only say this:

This is not the way it's supposed to be. Say what you want about death or grief, but don't try to make it okay. People are walking around with these gaping wounds left on their souls when loved ones have gone. It is not okay.

Parents should be able to raise their children. Lovers should have a chance to build their lives together. It's just not supposed to be like this.

Gratitude

Every night when I close my eyes to pray, the first words out of my mouth are "Thank you, Lord." We are so blessed. We have been so blessed.

Jeff and I married 5 years ago today. Lest you (my one reader) forget, I came thisclose to a disastrous, abusive marriage and was saved by the grace of God. Then I went to counseling, learned a ton about myself and found that the love that I'd always wanted was not "out there," but up. God had loved me madly the whole time.

And the partner He had for me had been under my nose for almost a decade.

It took so much for me to see what I already had, but now I "get it" every day. Jeff is a rock. He is a better partner than anyone I could've imagined for myself. He is compassionate, hilarious, responsible, genuine, and of course... hot. :)

Side by side we've grown so much in the past 5 years, planted so many seeds and seen so much fruit.

We have a marriage that is deeper and more solid than either of us ever imagined. We have many close friends who know us well and share our lives and allow us to share in theirs. We have families that love us. We own our first home. We have enough money to squeeze by on one income so we can invest the maximum time into our kids. We have two running cars!

Most of all, we have two happy and healthy babies that have taught us so much and given us so much love.

Thank you, Lord.

The Farm!

This last weekend Jeff's parents were in town and we got a chance to go to Vertuccio Farms, which is always fun. They have these awesome little pedal cars that you can drive around, plus a corn maze (I think there was something wrong with it this year! Seemed really sparse.) a barrel train and a bunch of farm animals. A good time was had by all. Even Evan, who pretty much chilled out in the Pikkolo the whole time. :)

The Fair!

Maybe a month ago Jeff and I took the kids on a walk and discussed the next few months -- what we wanted to budget for in terms of Christmas gifts and fun things to do. I was all about farms and corn mazes, Jeff really wanted to go to the fair.

We went on a day that offered free admission for a donation for a local shelter (this days' donation was deodorant) and we had a wonderful time. We didn't ride anything, but we looked at all the animals and went in the petting zoo and ate fried food.

We were really excited to discover that the act that was playing the fair that night (free!) was Montgomery Gentry. Since moving to Phoenix we've really started to like country music and it was great to be able to see them for free.

We feel so blessed to enjoy hanging out as a family so much. The best part was just to be together for the whole thing and see the kids having a good time. Even Evan was just staring at all the lights for a lot of the time. It was great!

Fall, and all that that entails.

It's Fall. Honest-to-God Fall. Those of you in other, less scalding parts of the country may not understand the depth of this reality.

How could you, really, when you've been casually wandering the great outdoors in your double-digit temperatures all summer?

It's like the recess bell. Or, better yet, the last bell of the school day on the last day of school. Everyone outside! Now! For months!

And it's so much more fun with two little people to share it with. October brought a wonderful outside party at a local farm with Lilia's beloved "Joshie." No, we didn't put them up to this picture.



Then, the next day we picked out a pumpkin

and then went to our church's Harvest Festival, where they had a bounce house without a bunch of big kids in it. So Lilia was able to go in a bounce house for the first time! It was so cool to see her warm up to the idea. She also played a ton of games and pretty much picked necklaces for every prize. She was very serious about the whole thing. :)


Where was Evan in all of this? Asleep in our wonderful Pikkolo carrier, of course. :) Or nursing or just looking around and taking it all in. Generally on the person taking the pictures. :(

Next post will be about the fair and we got several cute ones of him there. His personality is coming out so much and we all fall more in love with him every day. Especially these days.

Happy Fall. :)

***THIS JUST IN***

He rolls. :)

Mental Picture

I have been so tired this week. I took a job subbing at the school I used to work at, just for half days for 7 days (last Thursday through this Friday). We knew it would be a hard week and it has been! The main thing is that I work through naptime so I miss my chance to catch up on the sleep I'm losing at night. Jeff has to get up earlier in the morning so he's also missing out on sleep.

But tonight I packed up the kids when they woke up from their nap and went to the library. It was such a wonderful evening.

I excused myself from worrying about not having made dinner. I excused myself from worrying about the messy house and company coming next week. I excused myself from pretty much everything except enjoying my 2 beautiful kids. After the library we went next door to watch the sun set over the lake at the Riparian preserve.

Lilia loved reading at the library, especially sitting in the perfectly sized chairs. She LOVED the lake (Wa! Wa!!! Fishies!), she sang along with the radio in the car.

I think I will excuse myself more often. :)

Testing

There are certain people who do things just to say they did them. Or to test themselves. Or whatever it is that causes people to climb this or hike that or fly to the moon.

I am not one of those people.

I like my comfort. I like hotels and nice cars and manicured lawns and that kind of thing.

But it turns out that parenting is one of those things that shows you what you're made of, that becomes an Everest or a marathon or an English Channel. It's a mission, a calling, a challenge, a test, whatever.

And, weirdly, it turns out that I'm grateful for that.

Evan and His Dude, Lilia and Her Songs

Evan has made a friend. We call him "Evan's Dude." He's basically a smiley face with a bunch of funny arms. Evan is captivated. I'm starting to suspect that Evan is the Brooks-Dowty family's third extravert. Poor Jeff will never get a word in edgewise or a moment to himself with all these social butterflies flitting around! Evan loves people so much already. It's really fun to see. Sometimes he literally cries just because he wants to socialize. Not eat or sleep or even be held, but socialize. He has things to say.

Anyway, Evan has whole conversations with his dude. They laugh, they cry. We think that if he could talk he would say, "I love you, man!" Because he does.

Lilia, on the other hand, has finally moved past talking and into singing. She will even sing on cue on some occasions. It's no surprise that her favorite song is "I Need Thee Every Hour." (At what age is it appropriate to tell her the reason I sang that to her so much is because I desperately needed God's help when she was a newborn?) She also attempts the ABC's (DEDDD LMNO Daipitty, YZ, All done!) and counting, which is generally one, two five.

We went on a walk to the park this evening and it was so awesome to wear Evan and hear Lilia's perspective on everything from airplanes to rocks and leaves. She wanted to knock on all the rock walls. I would love to have an explanation of everything that goes on in her head!

Ferris Beuller wasn't kidding. Life moves pretty fast.

It's simpler this way.

Sadly, I've been reflecting a lot on politics lately. It's not a bright spot for me in Arizona right now, but I feel obliged to think about it to be a good citizen.

I am really starting to get depressed about the whole thing.

In the ideal world in my head, every citizen would do three things:
1. Care
2. Think
3. Be kind

This world is so far from ideal.

The problem, as I see it, is that people start by caring very little. They care enough to listen to a "public figure" (usually famous for being hateful and rude) give his or her opinion but not enough to dig into the complex underlying factors in nearly every issue. Especially if those complex underlying factors challenge their ideas or those of their chosen hateful commentator.

This brings us to the lack of thinking. Most people don't look deep enough to be challenged on an issue, so they don't give the issues much thought.

Then, since they've chosen their side (red or blue) and they see the issues in simple black and white it's easy for them to decide that the people on the other side are stupid or evil and treat them accordingly, leading to a lack of kindness.

I don't have television so I haven't seen any campaign ads this cycle, but the signs are enough to drive me to drink. I saw one today that simply suggested we vote against someone because he's an incumbent. Really? Yes. Because it's a lot easier to say "screw them all. I'm going to vote 'em all out!" than it is to investigate the issues that are important to you and choose a candidate who agrees with you on those issues.

I guess it's simpler this way.

Infant Sleep Books: a Review of My Experience

I'm afraid to write this. Seriously.

If you're a parent you know that you never bring up where or how you get your child to sleep with anyone but your nearest and dearest. Because the amount of judgment on this subject in the world at large is overwhelming.

I'm writing this post, though, because I have been the mom who is so desperate for sleep that she reads everything she can find on the subject like it's a part-time job. Wanting ideas, not unrequested advice. I know there are more of those moms out there now and they are worth risking judgment from those who seem to know it all.

For you, Desperate Moms, I will write my experience and what worked for me. In case you've never tried it and you might want to and it might work for you. That's all I mean by it. I promise. It's a long post. Read at your own risk.

So, 20 months ago I became a basket case. I mean that in the nicest, warm and fuzziest way possible. I need sleep and when I didn't get it I became desperate. And furthermore, Lilia was getting desperate for sleep herself. She was crying every night in our arms and pretty much needed to be on my person or Jeff's to sleep at all.

I was all about kind and gentle methods. Lilia slept in our bed and we really enjoyed the bonding time with her, so we wanted to keep going with that if we could. So we started with The No Cry Sleep Solution. We tried to gradually stop her from nursing to sleep, we tried nearly every method listed in the book. She got worse. In fact, she cried more than she ever had, despite all our efforts to the contrary.

Next, we tried The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer. The basic methods in that book are the EASY (this is one of the many places you'll find the "eat, wake, sleep" pattern recommended), and the "pick up put down." This is basically a method where you pick the baby up whenever she fusses and then put her back down when she's calm. We had some success with this one and I think it might have worked really well if we'd started it from the get-go. Eat, wake, sleep was a great thing for Lilia, but "pick up put down" really, really upset her. She hated it every time we did it and it made her cry harder because it was frustrating to her.

At some point around 7 months we had to switch to formula and she slept through the night on her own, but still had a *terrible* time going to sleep. It was so sad! She would cry and cry. One night at 11pm when we were driving her to get her to go to sleep I realized we needed to do something different. I googled something like "infant sleep expert" to try to find someone with more qualifications than just personal experience as a nurse or mom and was pleased to find Dr. Jodi Mindell, a psychologist with over 30 years' experience in the field of pediatric sleep disorders. Bingo!

We ordered her book, Sleeping Through the Night and I read it immediately. Now, her book is a little different in that there's more theory involved. There is an "official method" in there, but it's really only about 4 pages of the book. I felt that, in reading this book, I learned a whole lot about sleep in general and how it works. In fact, Jeff and I now sometimes use these methods to help ourselves get more sleep!

Her basic ideas are creating a routine that is reliable every single sleep time (she actually makes a great case for routines in the rest of your child's day as well!), and making sure that your child's environment the moment he falls asleep is identical to the environment he will experience at 2am. So basically if you don't want to have to be in the room at 2am getting him to sleep, dont be in the room when he first falls asleep in the evening either.

It's not really a "cry-it-out" method because you can go in the room and comfort them as frequently as you want (we did every 5 minutes with Lilia, every 3 with Evan because we started him younger). You just can't help them go to sleep. You also don't worry at all about night wakings -- you can nurse them down, pat them, sing to them, whatever it takes to get them back to sleep. We found that a lot less stressful than the idea of letting them cry in the middle of the night!

This method worked like magic for us. Lilia cried less than she had in months starting the very first night (I think she only cried 20 minutes) and completely stopped crying at sleep times after about 3 days. In the weeks that followed she started asking to go to bed when she was tired. We felt it was a miracle.

We've used the same method with Evan (she recommends starting between 6 weeks and 3 months) and it has worked well with him also.

That's an experiment of 2, which is not a very large control group. But there, our experience is out there in case anyone else can use it. Hope it helps someone.

Snapshot of Today

Some days we wake up and Lilia is older. Folks with no kids may argue that they get a tiny bit older every night, but as near as I can tell that's a lie.

Because this morning Lilia was much older. Jeff and I both noticed it. She looks bigger and she just seems older today. Examples:

• Her words for "Grandma" and "Mama" both sounded exactly the same until today. Today she looked at my phone and said, "Gramma."
  
• She put on her own shoes today!
• I said, "Shall we give Evan some tummy time now?" and she said, "Yup." She proceeded to go get his little play mat and set it up on the floor.
• I asked if she wanted to give her dolly some tummy time and she said yes. I put her dolly on the mat and she said, "nigh nigh." I asked if she wanted to sing to her dolly and she did! "I Nee" ("I Need Thee Every Hour"). That was the first time!
• She built a tower with her duplo blocks. Usually she just takes them out and/or dumps them on the floor.

It's shocking how fast all of this is going.

Evan's doing it too. I was convinced this was way too early for his personality to come out, that this was tons earlier than Lilia. He's doing so much smiling and cooing and all of that, I was sure it was too early. But I looked back at Lilia's pics and she was about the same. The truth is that the time has just gone by tons faster.

I still love watching them together, though. She leans down and kisses him probably 15 times a day. She'll say, "Evan! Kisses!" That means, "I have kisses for Evan." She also reaches out her arms to him and says, "Hode!" which means "May I hold him please?" He just stares at her and tries to talk when she holds him, and he smiles like crazy, and he tries to kiss her back.

I Could Be a Motivational Speaker

I've always hoped for my life to be shaped into 3 callings: first being a music teacher, then being a stay-at-home-mom and finally being a marriage and family therapist.

The first one happened already, the second one is happening now. Great, right? The problem has been that I haven't been able to see how to get to the third one from here.

Because my philosophy of how marriages and families work is basically 100% shaped by my faith, I have always really wanted to go to a Christian university or seminary to earn my degree. That's the part that presents a problem because the best schools for that (including my dream school, Fuller) are located in Southern California and we don't want to disrupt our family by moving there. So this dream of mine has been on hold and I've wondered whether I'll ever achieve it.

A few weeks ago Jeff and I went to a (wonderful!) meeting for Christians for Biblical Equality that was held at Fuller Seminary's Southwest campus. We had a great time listening to a fabulous speaker, but for me the most life-changing moment of the evening happened after she was done.

Fuller Southwest's admissions counselor overheard me and told me that they are hoping to have their MFT program at this campus in 2 years! Can you believe it? Please jump up and down with me!

The weird thing is that now that several logistical obstacles look like they will be cleared out of the way, I've discovered an internal obstacle that I didn't expect. It's like this invisible line in my head that delineates my capacity for success.

Apparently becoming a marriage and family therapist is above that line.

It's a strange obstacle to overcome but I've been working on visualization. I'm not a big believer in supernatural powers associated with visualization so I've never given it much thought. Now, however, I can see that I have to know where I'm going. God is calling me to this and I've known it for years, so I need to "own" that calling.

So I picture myself in classes, soaking up lectures. I picture a degree on my wall. I picture myself walking with a couple through a crisis in their marriage. I pray through all of it and hear God reassuring me that I am the Beloved and this is my calling.

And the picture is getting clearer. Again, jump up and down with me!

Prayers for My Children

Borrowing children from God is a huge responsibility. Little immortal seedlings entrusted to your care really make you think about what's important. I wrote about what I wanted for Lilia before she was born but now I think about it, in some form, every day. What do I want for my kids?

When I pray for them at night, I pray that God will pursue them relentlessly for the rest of their lives so that His grace will be behind every door and around every corner no matter where they go or what they do. I pray that we can create a home that is founded in His grace. I pray that they put their whole lives in His hands, that they marry the right person or stay single according to His calling, and that they live a life that is truly their calling, the purpose that they are created for.

I've been reminded a lot lately that there are no guarantees about how long we will have them or what we can do for them. But there are two guarantees that give me a lot of peace: First, there us a God who loves my kids more than I do, and second He listens to our prayers.

I am filled with gratitude.

Shoosh!

First, I thought I should memorialize the fact that I put Lilia's hair in pigtails today. I don't believe I've ever successfully done that before. How did the pigtail pictures come about, then? Daddy. His patience appears to be endless.

In fairness, I have been pregnant since Lilia has been in the pigtail stage, and I have even less patience pregnant than I have normally. So maybe I'll keep doing them, now that I'm not pregnant anymore.

But the main thing I want to memorialize is that Lilia "lost" her hair today. I put it in pigtails and was quite proud of myself, and she ran her hand up to where her hair usually is.

She started tearing up immediately, with this shocked and sad look on her little face, and said, "SHOOSH!" which is her word for hair. (No, we have NO idea where that came from!) I reassured her that she still had hair but she remained pretty nervous about the whole thing until we Skyped Grandma and she saw it in the picture.

Then she felt pretty cute in her pigtails.

Last thing: She now has a word for, and regularly requests, "Skype."

I love our kids so much!

Before I Forget!

As I write this, my babies are 20 months and 2 months. I can hardly believe it.

When I imagine their future as 5-year-olds, 15-year-olds, 30-year-olds, the picture is misty and vague. But I know that when those days are real it will be this one that seems misty and vague.

So here are a few more things I *love* about today.

• Evan's pout is the CUTEST pouty face I've ever seen. You can see the worry start to creep over his tiny little face. His brow starts to furrow, and he looks at you pleadingly, and the corners of his mouth turn down perfectly. Perfectly.
• Lilia adores computers and has made up her own word and sign for them. We can't figure out where it came from, but computer is "Boku" and for the sign she puts both hands under her chin and wiggles her fingers.
• Every time Lilia says Evan's name she says it with complete delight. "Evan!" Literally every time.
• Until this morning when she said eggs it sounded like "ice." Today, though, it was correct. I grieved a little bit.
• More of my favorite Lilia words: "holp" = help, "efont" = elephant, "Baba" = Grandpa, "Aca" = Erica (auntie), "Baboo" = Badger (uncle)
• Evan looks dead serious when you burp him. Like, "I have a job to do here, and I'm going to do it." But in between he tries to cuddle us.

There's so much more, but this is enough for today. Thanks for indulging me!

Beloved, Part 2

Tonight I took a walk. I love walking. I think when I walk, I connect with people when I walk (either in person or on the phone), I pray when I walk. Early in our marriage we used to joke that one of Jeff's chores was to "walk the wife." Seriously. I go nuts if I don't walk on a regular basis.

So tonight, after a very long afternoon, Jeff graciously took both babies and I got to go on a walk and clear my head.

I heard that Voice so clearly tonight that I wished I could just curl up inside it. You are The Beloved. You are The Beloved. I thought of ways to improve myself: losing weight, buying nicer clothes, getting a haircut, planning my days better, etc., etc. I prayed about it. You are The Beloved. I made goals in my head and thought about writing them on posters on my wall. Prayed again. You are the Beloved.

Finally I had a moment of clarity and I heard a challenge in my head: Can you entertain the possibility, for a minute, that God adores you? That He wants good things for you, loves you just the way you are, is proud of you?

I thought of the way I feel when I look at my kids. I just want to infuse love into them. My greatest fear would be that they grow up unaware of how loved they are! I tell them at least a hundred times a day that I love them. I hold them, kiss them, play with them, sing with them, stare into their eyes, anything to convey to them how loved they are.

What if God is the same way with us? Whispered I love yous around every corner, hugs and kisses every day, a deep desire to convey how loved we are.

I am The Beloved! You are The Beloved! Did you hear the Voice today?

A Few of My Favorite Things

--Lilia's words: Moomie = smoothie or movie, Nugoo = snuggle, Yup/Nope = Yes/No, Yupoo/Nopoo = YES/NO!, Inee = "I Need Thee Every Hour", Daippity = Diaper

--Evan gets these HUGE flash smiles after he eats, like "Ah, that was good."

--Lilia gets up on the couch and looks out the window to find Dada when she knows he's coming home from work.

--Everyone under 10 is "baby," everyone with salt-and-pepper hair and/or glasses is "Baba!" or "Mama" (Grandma) and everyone with white hair is "PapapapapaMeme!"

Beloved

"Let me start by telling you that many of the people that I live with hear voices that tell them that they are no good, that they are a problem, that they are a burden, that they are a failure. They hear a voice that keeps saying, 'If you want to be loved, you had better prove that you are worth loving. You must show it.'

But what I would like to say is that the spiritual life is a life in which you gradually learn to listen to a voice that says something else, that says, 'You are the beloved and on you my favor rests.'"

--Henri Nouwen

Jeff and I read an article by Henri Nouwen as a part of a class at our church a few months ago and I have never forgotten it. In the article he said that spiritual disciplines just boil down to making space to hear God's voice telling you that you are the beloved. Sounds so wonderful to bask in the glow of God's love like that, doesn't it?

You would think that would be easier than it is.

This week, I'm sorry to report, hasn't been all about basking. In addition to the glorious moments spent hearing God's voice calling me "Beloved," I've spent a lot of moments hearing voices that call me, "Exhausted," "Utilitarian," and (at my worst), "Worthless." Those voices can become such a spiral because when I feel worthless and that my only value is in what I do (as in, "Just shut up and make dinner."), I don't make room for the most important voice.

It's a loving whisper amid the demanding shouts of, "Prove that you are worth it."

But this morning, I heard it.

Evan Isaiah

I look at this picture, and I still just can't believe you're mine. And I think I should've written this post earlier because you've already taught me so much that I don't even know where to begin.

You were a blessing from the very first moment. We had just lost a baby and we were so sad, but we prayed and our friends and family prayed and God gave us you!

When we were looking for names for you, I remember telling Daddy that what I really wanted was a name that would reflect the great flood of blessings we have had in our life together. Somehow I wanted to show that you were the fulfillment of a beautiful movement of God in our lives. First he brought us to Himself, then to each other. Then He gave us a life and a marriage better than either of us had imagined or ever thought we deserved. Then He gave us Lilia, and we knew in our hearts that there was another blessing He had for us. That blessing was you, Evan Isaiah. And our hearts have overflowed!

Evan means, "God's grace" and Isaiah means, "the Lord helps me."

You have taught me so much about grace and about God's help. I remember being so scared of labor and delivery, scared that I wouldn't be up for the challenge of two babies, scared that I would be too tired, scared that you would have trouble nursing, scared of what the future might hold in every new way.

But you brought with you a whole new movement of God's grace, like a breeze from Heaven, for me. (That part reminded me so much of what your father has brought to my life!) My pregnancy with you was much easier than I thought, the birth was much easier than I thought, you were a great eater from the beginning and you were a great sleeper from the beginning! Silly Mommy for worrying so much, right?

I learned to breathe, pray, take one day at a time. I learned to have faith in God, faith in Daddy, and faith in our family. I learned that almost nothing is as bad as I thought.

And I learned to take time to revel in the glow of all the relationships in our little family. I relish my snuggles with you, and Daddy's too. But I adore the relationship you are building with Lilia. You already love each other so much.

Whenever you cry, Lilia says, "Uh oh! Crying! Baby! Sad! Binky!" If you're crying in your swing she will go to the swing, carefully put your binky back in your mouth, and then give you a little push to get the swing started. When you're happy, she stretches her arms out to you and says, "Hold! Evan!" She loves you so much, and you have big smiles reserved just for her.

We thank God every day for our family, and we can't imagine it without you in it. I love you so much, Son, and every time I look at you I know I have more than I ever thought possible.

Pearls and Swine and Who I Really Am

Okay, so I haven't blogged in a while. Or a long while. What gives?

I've taken a bit of time off to think about what I put "out there." In general I'm a completely open book. (I would be terrible in politics!) But I never really thought about the negative side of my openness until it was brought to my attention via my least favorite way to learn: pain. I put some things out there, someone judged me, my feelings were hurt.

But I love blogging. It keeps me writing. It keeps me thinking. It provides a fabulous record of my kids' babyhood at a time when writing in a baby book can seem overwhelming.

So, as my dear friend Charity reminds me on a regular basis, "What other people think of you is none of your business."

I shall blog on. I have many beautiful blessings to share!

Musings of a First-Time Mom

I spoke to someone who asked a lot of questions tonight about becoming a parent. I find that when I'm honest about it, it sounds kind of scary. Which is sad and halfway inaccurate, but it's so hard to describe parenting accurately!

This person, who is planning to become a parent at some point if I don't inadvertently talk her out of it, asked hard questions and got honest answers. It's scary to speak truth about parenting because it's like walking onto a mine field: you're allowed to say it's hard but you're not really allowed to give specifics without inviting judgment from all sides. And you have to immediately get misty-eyed and say how it's all worth it.

I thought of posting my honest answers here, for instance, but I've already been burned in the past by people reading my blog entries and imagining that they know me or my life better than they do. So I'm just going to tell you what I want to say to new moms in general. What advice would I give? Well, it's not logistical. I won't say breastfeeding or babywearing or getting them on a schedule or teaching them sign language.

Here's what I will say:

• Do whatever it takes to avoid judging yourself or being around others who judge you. There is nothing more difficult than dealing with judgment in addition to lack of sleep and everything else, so if you catch a look of contempt or superiority from a mommy friend every time you give your baby formula (or nurse in public, or talk "baby talk" to your baby, or whatever you're doing!), lose the friend and find some people who can let stuff go. Everybody does things differently and most of our babies do just fine. If you love your baby and are doing your very best, that's all you can ask for!
• Take care of your body and your marriage. You need sleep and good food, and you need to continue to nurture your marriage. No matter what. Prioritize these things. BTW, sometimes taking care of your marriage means making waves, telling your spouse that something isn't working for you, etc. Resentment is a cancer that will take your marriage. Better to rock the boat with a little honesty than sink it with years of built up resentment!
• Don't miss it! Every phase with an infant goes so fast. Be present and healthy enough to experience it with your baby.

Hope these things help some new mom out there somewhere! I wish I had known them a little better when I started this journey, but I'm getting my "sea legs" now and loving it!

Easter

Haven't had much time to blog lately with tons of wonderful company, but I thought I should at least post a few pics of Easter! It was such a blessing to have my parents here for Easter. So fun to see their relationship with Lilia build. They have all kinds of fun together! And this year we started what is certain to become a family tradition -- the egg hunt at Schnepf Farms. Such a great experience!

Other fun stuff: Lilia is having a "communication explosion." She is saying and signing things we've never seen her do before! It's so wonderful to see her delight when she asks for something and gets it -- the joy of communication! She's saying and signing up, down, grandpa, tree, leaf, "Baby Signing Time," banana, eat, milk, water, thank you, and many more things. It's really a blast.

Bibliophily and Illness

I come from a family of book lovers. We read often, quickly, out loud, everything. We recommend books to each other (although we each have distinct taste, it overlaps) and passionately discuss them. If you get either one of my parents to talk for any length of time about education you will discover that they are big believers in self-educating and I'll bet a lot of money that the words, "Just read books!" will escape their lips at least once.

My family of origin has also always been really... dorky and embarrassing in a lot of ways (please, nobody find any pictures from the 80's or 90's!) but I was never, ever ashamed of our book habit. Nothing in me has ever thought, "I just wish my family didn't read so much!" I love it. And, especially in the years since Jeff and I killed our TV, I carry on the family tradition with gusto. And my influence is spreading. Jeff is reading Harry Potter and many, many days Lilia wakes up signing "book" and saying, "BUH! BUH!!!" over and over until we give her one or read her one or both. Mwahahahaha.

Poor little Miss Lilia has been a little under the weather for most of the week, and I have hated to watch her not feel good. But imagine my joy when her relaxation of choice was to sit with Mommy and read a book! She got her own little spot and her own little book and seriously and very quietly turned the pages, just like me. Oh Lord, please let me bottle just a little bit of this and keep it forever!




For books I love and can't get enough of myself, please see the list to the right of the blog.

Balance

Balance is a big thing for a lot of people. For parents of small children, I think it's one of the most important things in the world. And one of the hardest.

We're constantly balancing: nutrition, budget, personal care, fun, sleep, routines, the list goes on and on. Mostly I think what we're doing is trying to be sure that every member of our family is healthy and cared for -- spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. Before you have children, a lot of building your family consists of learning to recognize and care for your own needs and your spouse's needs. But when children come, the balancing act begins! Everyone needs sleep, everyone needs fun, everyone needs independent time and interaction and good food and a prayer life and exercise. Everyone needs to feel loved and cared for. The kids are important, the parents are important, the marriage is important.

We've found that the vast majority of parenting advice/literature falls into two categories: ignoring the children's needs in favor of the parents or ignoring the parents' needs in favor of the children! It's hard out there for a family that wants to walk a middle ground and recognize that everyone is important.

This last month has been difficult in terms of balance, and we kind of hit bottom before we started to change our ways. We've been struggling to get ready for baby #2 while balancing the needs of baby #1, a pregnant mommy, and a daddy who is having to take up a lot of slack at home while holding down a job with 10-hour shifts. Here are a few things that are working for us right now:

• Putting first things (literally) first. I've been doing whatever it takes to start my day by eating a good breakfast, reading my Bible and putting Pandora worship on first thing in the morning. Changing my life.
• Talking. Jeff and I frequently ask each other, "How are you doing? What do you need right now?" and even, "What can I do that will make you feel loved?" It helps so much to stay on the same page and feel like real partners.
• Setting aside time to do nothing. Doing nothing was really missing in our lives. We were constantly going. It almost killed us. Now rather than waiting until everything is finished in order to relax, we're just setting aside time without everything being done. Because it will never all be done!
• Changing scenery. We've found a little money here and there to go grab dinner as a family at Costco, or just time to leave the house for a while. It's really nice.
• Investing in long-term time savings. This is a hard thing to fit in and I'm not sure we've got it right, but we've been thinking of ways to simplify things longer term. Getting an in-house water filtration system so we don't have to keep going to buy water at the store, cooking for the freezer in large quantities so we don't have to make dinner every night, organizing things so they're easier to get to, use, put away properly.
  

What's working for you? Let's share ideas! Here's to balancing and nurturing everyone in our families!

Valentine's Day

Well, it's Valentine's Day. I wish I could say that I hate Valentine's Day so I don't care that we don't get to be together, but I love Valentine's Day! I'm really sad that I can't be with my beloved hubbie today, but I'm so proud of him that he's doing such a great job in his "new" career.

I hate it when people say that they don't like Valentine's Day because you should celebrate your love every day. Of course you should celebrate your love every day, but you should also give thanks every day, appreciate your family every day, etc. and that doesn't stop us from having holidays that celebrate these things! We work very hard to keep our holidays and family events "especially special" and to make traditions in our family that are significant. We believe that traditions are an important part of family life because they provide rhythm and richness to our lives.

Anyway, off my soapbox. Now I just want to say that I can't believe how blessed I am to spend every day with the most amazing person I know, and the only person I could ever imagine myself partnering with to build a life. Sometimes it feels like we're little working ants just slogging away, trying to be faithful and build the life God has for us, but when I step back I really appreciate our situation. Jeff came home recently and said, "What we have is so rare." I couldn't agree more and I appreciate every single day of it.

Thank you, Babe, for the best adventure I could have imagined. I would rather hang out with you than anyone else in the world and I couldn't be happier to build this family with you.

She Walks!

Lilia has been walking really well holding onto fingers, furniture, etc. for some time now. But, having very unfortunately inherited her mother's overly cautious spirit, she would NOT let go of those fingers for all the tea in China. True to form, however, our friend Jaime was able to get her to let go of the training wheels on Sunday and take a few steps out there on her own! It was lovely to have so many of our adopted Phoenix family members there, but a bummer that Daddy had to work. We're working to get her to walk in front of him now. :)

I can't believe how fast this all goes. This is my little bitty bean, the little darling who used to just stare into my eyes or sleep on my chest and cuddle. And that was pretty much all she did! It's so wonderful to see her personality start to come out and to see her develop and grow. But it's so painful to let go of each one of these precious phases as they go by without me ever being quite ready to loosen my grip. I could bottle this and drink it in for the rest of my life.